Do you think people are just being nice?

[Djmohr 6,965]

This week I went to Minneapolis for all my follow up doctors appointments. I had my 12 month check in at the Bariatric Center of Excellence as well as a post op follow up with my spine surgeon.

My spine surgeon was awesome. I have lost almost 30lbs since he performed surgery on me on June 3rd. He is typically one of those big ego guys who has patients to see and doesn't have a lot of time to spend. Last time he saw me I was literally on his table so I probably looked like hell. When he came into the exam room and we got past all the post surgery details he said you look absolutely stunning! You have lost a lot of weight and you look great. Of course that put me on cloud nine coming from him. We had a long discussion about loose skin but I will save that for a different post.

All of my appointments went great! I will soon get the results of my labs and I look forward to that.

While here, I had the opportunity to meet with a lot of my friends and previous co-workers. All who have not seen me almost since the beginning. It was a great experience for me because most of the folks that did not know I had lost weight or had WLS didn't even recognize me. I mean that literally I had to tap them on the shoulder.

They were shocked and told me how beautiful I look which made me feel like a million bucks. One of the guys I used to work with always loved my personality and he used to jokingly flirt with me, of course the first thing out of his mouth was are you still with Jim? (My hubby of 27 years)

A few of my closest friends who I have been very upfront with actually asked some questions. Mostly about whether or not I was planning to continue losing.

Of course I told them that I still have 24 to go to get to a healthy weight and that I am still considered overweight.

They were shocked and told me that I was already too skinny, which I am not but I do look like a normal sized person and I always carry my weight well. Now of course I know where the heavier parts of me are and I want to get to a healthy BMI.

This discussion caused me to spend some time looking at myself in the mirror. Yes, I look different, definately a lot thinner but overall I still see the fat me. I know it's not true because I went from a size 26 to a 12. My 12 jeans and slacks are actually loose so I am guessing I will drop yet another size.

I wonder if they are really feeling like I am too thin or if they are just being nice. I can't see it for some reason and it's confusing to me. I thought maybe they just have never seen me so thin but then my oldest son has actually told me he thinks I am getting too thin.

Why is this so confusing? It's like my brain can't catch up. I guess the goods news is I am setting my goal using the healthy weight charts so my hope would be that when I get there, I will stabilize and be done. I do think I would look very thin at 165 given my height.

Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it? Until this week I never even considered that I might get to a too thin point.

Anyone else experience this?

[James Marusek 5,244]

Congratulations on the results of your follow up meeting.

After I lost a lot of weight, some individuals mentioned that I was very skinny or extremely thin. My wife made comments that I looked like someone from the death camps at Auschwitz. Well this was not the case. I was in no way that emaciated or starving or extremely thin. It was just that I looked that way.

One of the strange effects of weight loss was in the shoulders. After weight loss all my jackets, coats no longer fit. The sleeves of my jackets now hung down to my fingertips which gave me a look like the character Dopey in Snow White. Most times when you think of weight loss you think about waistline. You don't think about the distance from shoulder to shoulder. Long story short, I bought some new suits and sports jackets and I now look just right.

[Daisee68 2,493]

Well as you know I have a long way to go to get where you are, but I guarantee you those folks aren't just being nice about how great you look. That loss is amazing! The too skinny part, I don't think they are either. You just probably look so different to them. My therapist asks me everytime I go (just yesterday in fact) if I can see my body for what it is now. And I can honestly say that I do; however, what I constantly struggle with is imagining how I can be the size that I am still and that is 80 pounds less than I was. The thing is I never really realized how heavy I was. Kind of dumb I know but I think I now know had a total disconnect between my head and my body - both in realizing my size and realizing that what I was taking in to my body was making me that way. Anyway, I would say these feelings are all totally normal, but you might want to get out your big jeans and hold them next to your new jeans and just study them for a while and think about the difference. Also look at some pics (maybe even pics of your jeans side by side) and at your measurements. Maybe some of that will help the realization kick in.

Re wondering what is too thin, I have thought about this a lot (and remember I am the same height as you). The BMI chart seems off to me (which I had discussed with my sister before I read the post about it earlier this week) and in fact, before I saw your post, I actually changed my goal weight to 175 instead of 170. I am not hung up on a number and technically 175 will still classify me as "overweight" by 1 pound, but I am hoping, like you that my body will figure out where it wants to be and I won't get too hung up about the number on the scale or the BMI chart (again, I realize that may change when I get where you are). The only thing I have to compare it to is that when I was a senior in high school, I lost about 50 pounds from 200 to 150 (though I didn't stay 150 for long). I managed to get into a size 8 for a couple of things but mostly a size 10. But what I remember about that time is that I was REALLY skinny. I mean I looked too skinny. And then I started college.... Of course, I am no longer 18 and sizes have changed in 30 years, so I don't know what my end game will look like. Right now, I am so thrilled to have gotten in to a size 20 jean and 14/16 tops. I can't imagine yet what it will be like to be smaller. I stare in the mirror sometimes and think "where the heck did my butt go?!" Seriously not what I was expecting to lose so much of so quickly but I will take it! ​ ​

Oh and by the way, I don't know why but hearing from a dr "good job" is such a boost to me too! Especially a surgeon who typically has their thoughts elsewhere and running busy. That is a HUGE NSV and I totally get it! Congrats on a great trip and I hope all the compliments will stick with you to boost you!

PS - what did the dr say about your neck? Hope it is healing well!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

I'm thinking they are just not used to seeing you at your current weight, and it is a hard adjustment for them. Your profile says 189lbs, so I'm assuming you are at that weight right now, and I don't think that is too thin - what do your doctors say about it? What do YOU feel about it? I'm at 175, and am content...if I lose more, great. If not, that's ok, too. Right now I don't have a lot of time to think about it, so I am content. The most important thing is to be happy with YOU. 165lbs seems real reasonable, so go for it!!

[gowalking 10,790]

Alot of us have body dysmorphia and I think you are aware that I've been seeing a therapist for quite some time for that very reason. I don't think we see how large we've become and I also don't think we see how thin we get either. One of the reasons we take so many pictures IMO. My sister thinks I've gotten photo happy but she doesn't realize I take pictures so I can see what others see. I've tried to explain it to her but it falls on deaf ears.

And we often are told we are too thin. I also think it's that folks are not used to seeing us at a healthy weight. If I was you, I'd speak with your doctor about this and if he/she doesn't have any concerns, you shouldn't either.

[toasty 371]

Of course, I am just at the start of my journey, 3 weeks post-op, but I had a long discussion about this very topic with my doctor and NUT. I was trying to decide what my "goal" weight should be. I am 5'7", and at that height the BMI charts say my maximum weight should be 160lbs. But both my doctor and NUT agree that with my build, that would simply not be a reasonable size. I remember in early college years (30 years ago), when I was very fit, I weighed in at 175lbs.

So, my doctor and NUT believe I should set my goal weight at 190 (BMI of 29.8), and once I get there we can reevaluate. But given my situation, I doubt I will ever be under 175-180lbs. That would give me a BMI of around 27.

Another thing to consider is using body fat % as a target measure instead of BMI, which is what I plan to do. For women, a "normal" body fat % would be 25%-31%. For men, it would be 18%-24%. This can be a more difficult thing to do, since you have to have a device to measure body fat %, but there are a variety of scales and other devices out there that do this.

Congratulations on all your weight loss!

[pink dahlia 2,513]

First off, congratulations on your weight loss ! Nice NSV from your Dr. too ! And 2nd off, I dont think your friends are just being "nice " , I honestly think its the shock of all of a sudden seeing you so slim !! Those people didn't get to see the weight come off gradualy, they were probably blindsided by you leaving at one weight, and coming back at another! Shocker !! This summer I saw a relative I had'nt seen in several months, her first comment to me was ( in a very caring way ) " you need to eat a cheeseburger !!" She was shocked when told her I weighed 144 lbs ! Still considered "overweight at 5'3 ! So honestly, I'm thinking its the sudden shock of seeing you so slim ! Either way, you look great ! Congratulations !!!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I agree with those above who think the "You're too thin" comments are due to others trying to rationalize their memories of how you used to look with how you look now. The differences between the "old you" and the "now you" are significant. After all, you've lost 121 pounds -- you've lost a whole person by now.

And if we (WLS patients) sometimes have dysmorphia and can't accustom our own eyes to our new shapes / sizes, it's no surprise to me that others are also having the same difficulty. After all, we look at ourselves a lot more frequently than those old friends you recently saw who haven't seen you in a long time.

I bet that if they had seen you every day since your surgery, they'd have gotten used to your new look more easily.

BTW, posting current pix of myself on Facebook is how I've tried to keep my family, friends, clients, acquaintances in touch with my changing look. And when I see them, they're already semi-prepared for the changes.

[Djmohr 6,965]

Thanks everyone for your feedback! I appreciate your taking the time.

I do feel like most of this was because these people have not seen me in a very long time.

There are time when I see it and there are times I still see the fat me.

I will say when I am wearing clothes that actually fit me, I can definately see it.

Again, thanks!

[Bandista 7,466]

Congratulations on such a big turn-around -- what a great thing to have that acknowledgement from your doctor. I think it's really important for surgeons in non-bariatric fields to understand as much as possible about the positive results which can be achieved through WLS.

The whole goal weight thing seems like a guesing game to me. When I started out at 252 I had a goal weight of 148 for a total loss of just over a hundred pounds. As I have dropped sizes I realize that would be way too thin for me. I like my curves. I know I'm not finished losing weight because I still have a little jelly belly. But like you I am wearing size tens, which seems like an absolute miracle to me. I guess we will know when we get there?

Meanwhile, enjoy the process....

[JamieLogical 8,684]

In my experience, people who were used to seeing you as "fat" have a hard time adjusting to the skinnier you and you therefore look "too skinny" to them. I get those "too skinny" comments a lot from friends and family members who haven't seen me in a long time. Like, I just went to my sister's wedding and saw some of my aunts and my brother and sister-in law, who I hadn't seen in over a year. They all said I was "too skinny" now, even though I'm technically still 10 pounds heavier than a normal BMI for my height. I think it's just such a shock to them and they are looking at you in comparison to the old you, so you seem too skinny compared to your former fat self.

[bikrchk 1,313]

You nailed it! Your brain needs a chance to catch up. Guess what? It's the same with other people! I started getting the "you're getting too thin" messages when I hit a 14, (just a 2-3 size loss for me) while I was still medically well overweight. I went on to land comfortably around a 4\6 pant and up to about an 8 dress, (I'm a little bigger on top). For a long time, I thought I looked weird too. You're still relatively early in the process as far as weight re-distribution goes. I know things kept "shifting" for me for about a year after I reached goal. The friends who told me I was getting too thin back then tell me I look very healthy now, as a 4\6. I'm 5'6" and hang out around 146 pounds which feels and looks normal to me most of the time, (there are days I feel like a busted can of biscuits and probably always will! LOL). I think EVERYONE needs time to come to terms with our new look, including us!

[Babbs 14,680]

@@Djmohr

Let's look at this from a different perspective. Number one, you're tall (LUCKY), so you are going to carry your weight really well.

Number two, I think with your back issues, you should really not consider how you look, but how much that additional 24 pounds could help alleviate some of the strain you deal with because of your issues. Obviously the less you weigh, the less strain on your bones and joints.

And you've done phenomenal to this point! Just amazing!

[Djmohr 6,965]

@@bikrchk

You mentioned redistribution, I have noticed that happening to me even though my weight loss has slowed to a crawl.

I swear I am losing inches in places even though the scale is not changing much.

I did have an awesome NSV today. My husband who does the laundry (yes, I know how lucky I am ) was hanging up my jeans. I hear him yell from the bedroom. "Geez, the waist on these jeans are tiny. Everytime I fold your clothes it astounds me how far you have come!"

It made me grin from ear to ear! Of course I told him how much I love him and that he got extra credit for being such a fantastic man.

He is also obese and was going to have sleeve surgery but then had to deal with AFIB ablation twice in the last year. He has since decided not to have this surgery but at some point I suspect he will. He needs to be ready and he is not quite there yet.

[bikrchk 1,313]

@@bikrchk

You mentioned redistribution, I have noticed that happening to me even though my weight loss has slowed to a crawl.

I swear I am losing inches in places even though the scale is not changing much.

I did have an awesome NSV today. My husband who does the laundry (yes, I know how lucky I am ) was hanging up my jeans. I hear him yell from the bedroom. "Geez, the waist on these jeans are tiny. Everytime I fold your clothes it astounds me how far you have come!"

It made me grin from ear to ear! Of course I told him how much I love him and that he got extra credit for being such a fantastic man.

He is also obese and was going to have sleeve surgery but then had to deal with AFIB ablation twice in the last year. He has since decided not to have this surgery but at some point I suspect he will. He needs to be ready and he is not quite there yet.

That. Is Awesome! And yes, based on my own experience, things continue to move around for a long time after you reach goal. My shoes, for example... Pretty much all the slip on flats had to go within the first 6 months. I was just walking out of them! I made boots work by shoving Dr Sholls in and wearing thicker socks. I've been at goal for almost a year and 1/2 now and last years tall boots (even with the insoles, etc., looked and felt like clown shoes when I put them on this year! When I went to replace, I found all the tall boots gaping around my calves! I'm far from a "waif" hanging out in the middle of healthy BMI. #fitgirlproblems #illtakeem!