Why is it when it comes to weight loss you truly see "friends" for who they really are? Why does it suddenly have to be a competition?

Here i am about 5 wks post op still struggling to lose weight haven't found that sweet spot probably won’t' until a few more fills. when i get this email from someone i would have considered a friend right up until I hit read…. All I had asked was where she had been for the last few day’s and that I had missed her at lunch as she was blowing me off..

the response I get.

Mostly yada yada yada.. oh I lost 10 more lbs last week getting to the gym WITHOUT you. WTF….

Where is the encouragement in that. Where is the support I had hopped for by sharing what is going on in my life. She knows I had WLS.. suddenly she’s I’d never do that to my body… I feel like I just got kicked right to the curb.. i was there for her through her illness, her husbands illness and most recently her daughters to support, care and just be a friend never once judging..

Feeling completely disillusioned it's not the first jab she's made but i guess it will be the last one i allow her to make.

This is an old thread but I have something similar going on. My brother & sister-in-law have acted totally different towards me since I have had surgery. We were all three overweight. They used to go out with my husband and I on the weekends & now they don't even call. I see them at family functions and we are all polite it's just a huge change. It makes me sad but I don't go around flaunting that I'm losing weight. But when we go to functions people do comment on my weight loss. I feel I act graciously to the comments.

I didn't have this surgery to make anyone jealous - I did it because I was morbidly obese. I just couldn't live like that anymore.

Jamilyne i'm sorry you have to go through this especially with family who of all people are supposed to be the most supportive right? The friend i have refereed to has pretty much stooped eating lunch with me - we still see each other at work and she's all your looking so skinny.. etc etc but something has changed that can't be repaired. and i'm ok with it. i look at it as time not only to lose all that excess weight i carry physically but also that weight we carry with us emotionally. Keep on doing what your doing they will either come around with time and perhaps join you on your journey or it will become easier as time goes to see and mingle with them.

congrats on your loss and choice to live life..

They are either jealous or just don't know how to handle your success with changing your life for a healthy one. It is their problem not yours. Can you have a heart to heart talk with them or do you not care? Because someone's weight changes doesn't mean 'we' can't have fun and go out and enjoy a nice dinner. I go out for dinner all the time with people.

This is an old thread but I have something similar going on. My brother & sister-in-law have acted totally different towards me since I have had surgery. We were all three overweight. They used to go out with my husband and I on the weekends & now they don't even call. I see them at family functions and we are all polite it's just a huge change. It makes me sad but I don't go around flaunting that I'm losing weight. But when we go to functions people do comment on my weight loss. I feel I act graciously to the comments.

I didn't have this surgery to make anyone jealous - I did it because I was morbidly obese. I just couldn't live like that anymore.

i think when a person (who resembles us) larger, super morbid obese as was my case, get well (by losing weight, more confidence, (possibly dressing better) and turning into a totally different person, it can make them (stay away).....no so much from jealousy but from themselves.......if they dont see what they could possibly do also.......they cant be affected....

i lost a friend years ago...

when i was in TOPS, i was the leader of the group, and in one of my great losses one year, she told me and i never ever forgot this, she told me she couldnt be my friend....i said why, what did i do.....she said because you are losing faster than me and i dont want to see it......needless to say i never saw her again at another meeting and i stopped calling her.....i still remember that....

i find i know a lot of people, but very few people i consider a friend...

anyhow, get well.....that is what it is about anyhow..

with them

or

without them

you can and will do it

Thank you all for your support. I did speak with my sister-in-law and I asked her if something was wrong and she told me that there wasn't. There wasn't anything said between us, it's just different. But - it'll be alright - I'm nice to them and I know that I didn't say or do anything out of the way. I know it will work out. Thanks everyone!!!

People's reactions say more about them than us...

My good friends are delighted for me and have been so supportive. But a couple have shown themselves up. One, who has always gone on about her weight when she is like a stick insect, has quietly been picking at me for weeks. Low level but nippy comments that I chose to ignore. Until last week.

She started the usual "gosh, should you lose any more weight, you are looking drawn and sooooo tired" at which point I snapped and said "well thanks, that's made me feel a whole lot better!" Her jaw dropped as I went on to tell her that she should be supporting me not bringing me down... She immediately apologised and the matter was over.

I saw her again on Sunday. Unprompted she complimented me on how well I was looking and that she loved my sweater. Whatever her reason for it, we have now got past a sticky time in our relationship. Sometimes you need to turn the other cheek - but there are times you need to stand up and say enough. A real friend will understand why.

It's a shame that people just can't be happy for one another. When I replied to this thread I didn't realize that other people had this problem also. So I'm glad everyone told me their stories. I also didn't realize that losing weight would change my relationships with people but I feel like I'm still the same person.

I feel you on this! I have a particular friend that has even taken to LYING about the weight she's lost to make it look like she's keeping with me! I don't know why it has to be a competition - she's becoming more and more unhealthy in the process too.

all I know Is people are crazy they can be the meanest, hurtful person ever and then some times they can surprise you.. I spent today sorting toys for toys for tot's it was a blast seeing the generosity from the community to bring a happy Christmas to kids who's family don't have much.. made me realize there are those out there that have it worse than I.. I Miss the friendship I used to have but honestly it's helped me open my eyes and see that it was never really what I thought it was..

Hope every one is doing well this holiday season

Just think of it as their insecurities, after many years this is a journey and time I am spending on myself . I've realized that my true friends are here to encourage me and the others are like my weight, I'm going to lose them and move on!

So i just had lunch with the "friend"i started this thread about.... lunch was fun and nice and then half way through she was all.. i can't believe how skinny your getting.. I mean your stomach still sticks out but it's getting there.. WHY oh WHY oh WHY couldn't she just stick with your looking great???

I guess it'll be another month or so before lunch happens again

Firstly I'm really pleased you were out having a nice time.. And I've no doubt your looking slimmer and very beautiful.. Your right she should have stopped at how well your looking.. But her snide comment reflects more on her than you. sounds like she's been bitten by the jealous green eyed monster because your evolving into fabulousness and she's static. Ignore her. You rock!!!

I can't believe people - really? That was so stupid what she said to you !!! So sorry! I know that you are doing great!

I am pre op, 23 years old and looking at a February date. I have been friends with a woman since we were 12 and together we have struggled with our weight. We were workout buddies, we failed weight watchers together and several other "diets" since highschool she has said" I would totally get WLS no matter what my mother thinks."I've been in the kaiser program for 13 months now and throughout this whole thing she has made stabs at me. Every time that i see her and I'm speaking in absolutes because every time that I see her she makes a comment about having loose skin after surgery, " aren't you worried about all the loose skin, you are going to look weird and deformed" every time I kid you not. She also on occasion makes the remark "I could never do that to myself" really? Because you said you would. I got a new gym membership 6 weeks ago or so because I moved to a new area and it happens to be a nicer facility and in the 6 weeks I've lost 20 lbs, I also happen to be a vegetarian so she decided to get a membership at the same gym I am in, in a neighboring city even though she's in a contract with another gym which is closer to her house, she also said she's becoming a vegetarian to lose weight.... I became a vegetarian because heart disease runs in my family and I wanted to eliminate the saturated fats and the hormones and chemicals in meat. But apparently she thinks being a vegetarian is the reason im losing weight, uh no, it's very easy to be a junk food vegetarian I chose not to be through discipline and I get my ass to the gym rain or shine every day. Her new favorite thing to do though is I swear serial dating where she likes to compare each one of them to my fiancé and send me pictures of them via text. I've spent the last two years preparing to be emotionally ready for this and surrounding myself with positive people and I'm so fed up with this.

Breaking up is hard to do.

You could start with: "It's feedback time. Would you like some?"

You could say, "I feel X when you Y."

And then see how it goes.

If it goes badly, you could announce that you're going to take a "time out" or even a "trial separation." You could put a time limit on it, say three months, or just make it infinite.

You could tell her, "It's not you, it's me."

You could say, "I need to focus on myself right now."

You could change your phone number. You could block her number and email address.

If all that doesn't work, you can change jobs and move to another city.

So i just had lunch with the "friend"i started this thread about.... lunch was fun and nice and then half way through she was all.. i can't believe how skinny your getting.. I mean your stomach still sticks out but it's getting there.. WHY oh WHY oh WHY couldn't she just stick with your looking great???

I guess it'll be another month or so before lunch happens again

My mother always had a saying, not that she always followed it but it was, if you can't say something nice, say nothing. I talk about people but never ever to their face.