Gambling addiction

[bitteroldhag 0]

I have a problem. My friend is a gambling addict and just hit me up for $1600 which, stupid person that I am, I loaned to her. She already owes me $700 from nearly a year ago which has never been paid back. She did pay me back $300 that she borrowed recently. The $1600 really hurt my checkbook, but I didn't know what to do when she asked me for it. I checked with another friend whom she owes about $3000, and she says that when they go to the casino (we have Indian casinos in Oklahoma), my gambling friend, M, is there before they get there and is still there when they leave. I hate to lose my friend, but I will not give her anymore money. I spoke to another friend who is a former lawyer and a 12 stepper about this and, since I have a signed check for $1600, she suggested that I check with the bank on Wednesday which is when I was supposed to be able to get the money back or to simply cash the check on payday. What do you all think? I am convinced that I cannot save my friend from gambling, but I know that when gamblers hit bottom, they often commit suicide. My other friend say that if M. commits suicide it's her decision, not mine, conveniently forgetting that I saved her from a suicide attempt several years ago. I don't think I could take the guilt. I don't know what to do although I have resolved not to lend M anymore money. I know the friendship will wither, but that's okay. Obviously she isn't much of a friend.

I'd appreciate any advice since I've never faced anything like this before. Thanks.

[Devana 0]

Sounds like you felt put on the spot. You say you have a signed cheque. Does this mean that you gave her the money and she gave you the cheque in return? If so, then I would be inclined to go to the bank as soon as possible and get it cashed.

I too have heard about gamblers committing suicide when hitting bottom. I think that giving them money is enabling them in their addiction rather than helping. I, like your friend, believe that if she does commit suicide that is indeed her decision, however, if you feel like you would feel guilty for the rest of your life if you felt responsible in any way for her death, you may want to continue to give her small amounts of money and let her hit bottom without your help. Am I making sense?

On the other hand, many recovered addicts only began their recovery when they hit the end. So, if all her friends stop enabling her it might be the best thing.

Sounds like she's lucky to have a caring friend like you, bitter. I hope you get your money back.

[Victoriana 10]

I feel bad for the place your in, but I think giving her more money in the future is just enabling her. You are not responsible if she is suicidal, you can ask her to go to counseling, she can get help and should. I dont think you will ever see that money again. She needs and intervention but I dont know if they have one for gamblers. I was once in a place like that but as soon as I could not lend any more money, as I was broke, my friend just quit visiting me or calling me. I later realized that he borrowed money from everyone in my family, and each of us were totally unaware that he borrowed from each of us and none of us ever saw any of it again. Its so sad that the grip of addiction is so strong.

[Elisabethsew 50]

By giving your friend money, you're feeding her addiction. Call the bank and see if there is enough money in her account to cover it. If there is, cash it! Since you believe your friendship will suffer but are worried about her committing suicide, supply her with the names and number of people and places where she can get help. Perhaps the former gambler that you mentioned would be willing to speak with her. Once you've offered her a way to recover, the rest is up to her.

[Terrilen 0]

I have a gambling addiction and it is a hard thing to break! She needs to call 1-800 ADMIT IT. That is the number to Gamblers Anyonmous! If she wont call you call! Get her to a meeting before she looses everything! And STOP enabeling her by giving her money, you might as well give her a loaded gun. She may not have hit rock bottom yet...but she will its just a matter of time. Help her find the supprot she needs. Good luck!

[maudeispam 2]

My MIL has a gambling problem. Every family member has given her small amounts of money over the years. Most of the time she will lie about needing gas money or milk or a need to pay a back bill. DH and I won't give her anymore money. If she says she needs milk, we buy her milk, if she needs gas, we ride with her to the gas station and pump gas in her car, etc. We stopped enabling her addiction. (She has commented to other family members that my DH has "changed" since we have gotten married.) Well he has wised up to her manipulating ways. Giving a gambler money is like giving an alcholic a drink, or a drug user; their drug of choice. I have an addiction, mine happens to be food. Stop giving me food and I would be thin. But at last we must eat.....just in moderation. Thank God and modern medicine for my lap band. Best of luck to you and your friend.

[hvnbnd4 0]

My gambling addiction didnt start until my mom's death in Oct 05. I came into a lot of money, and went nuts to say the least. After adding it all up I spent over $50,000.00 in about 16 months. I lived in Oregon where they have these machines in every building. I started to sit there for up to 12 hours per day..The second my kids left for school, until sometimes 1AM. I sometimes would win, and then loose it right back. The Indian casino was about 30 mins away and they would give me food, rooms, etc..so, I just couldnt stop. The GA meetings were once a week in my 50 mile radious and not very good. I finally made a choice to move back to Arkansas which has no gambling in the state..nothing except horses..and no alcohol in my county. It has helped, but, I know the problem is still there. I do need to still get help for it.. I was also a drug addict for about 4 yrs in the late 80s-90s and I would do anything for money/drugs.. Please do not give her anymore cash. If she says she needs food..and you feel the need..get her some groceries, or put some gas in her car..do not hand her money...it would be better well spent going to the church or a charity..she is stuck in a addiction and will not stop until she hits bottom...whatever that may be...thanks geri

[bitteroldhag 0]

Thanks for this advice. I have already decided to quit giving her money, and I will cash the check as soon as possible. This is a new wrinkle for me since I've never dealt with gambling addiction before. I hope she'll move back to Texas where they don't have all those casinos. Thanks.

[Sunta 4]

We just got casinos here in PA, and I found myself going just way too often! I would "only" lose up to $80 or so, so it's not like I was in any danger of bankrupting me and my husband, but I was going a few times a week for several weeks. Well, I saw pretty quickly that it could turn into a problem, and so, I stopped going completely. My husband and I are going to Vegas in May, and until then (when I will bring a specified amount to play with and only lose what I can afford), I am not setting foot in a casino. I am good about only playing with what I can afford to lose, but still, going so often was really bad.

As for your friend, I agree with the others that she needs to be in a 12-step program. With regard to lending money, I usually say to people "Oh you know, I would LOVE to help out, but I am really broke right now myself!" You shouldn't be hurting your bank account for your friend, and I agree with the others who say that lending her money is enabling her bad habit (even though I realize you were coming from an altruistic place when you did it.)

[green 6]

I have a problem. My friend is a gambling addict and just hit me up for $1600 which, stupid person that I am, I loaned to her. She already owes me $700 from nearly a year ago which has never been paid back. She did pay me back $300 that she borrowed recently. The $1600 really hurt my checkbook, but I didn't know what to do when she asked me for it. I checked with another friend whom she owes about $3000, and she says that when they go to the casino (we have Indian casinos in Oklahoma), my gambling friend, M, is there before they get there and is still there when they leave. I hate to lose my friend, but I will not give her anymore money. I spoke to another friend who is a former lawyer and a 12 stepper about this and, since I have a signed check for $1600, she suggested that I check with the bank on Wednesday which is when I was supposed to be able to get the money back or to simply cash the check on payday. What do you all think? I am convinced that I cannot save my friend from gambling, but I know that when gamblers hit bottom, they often commit suicide. My other friend say that if M. commits suicide it's her decision, not mine, conveniently forgetting that I saved her from a suicide attempt several years ago. I don't think I could take the guilt. I don't know what to do although I have resolved not to lend M anymore money. I know the friendship will wither, but that's okay. Obviously she isn't much of a friend.

I'd appreciate any advice since I've never faced anything like this before. Thanks.

Oh Bitter, lemme see.... According to your post you have given this individual $700 and then a further $1600 out of which she has paid you back $300. This means that she is on the hook to you for 2Gs and, moreover, she owes a mutual friend 3Gs. She undoubtedly has other outstanding debts out there to other people, to 'friends' whom you don't know. This is the way of the addict. Once one is caught up in an addiction one is unable to maintain real friendships, only the similacra. Other people are useful as ABMs and that is pretty much it.

Unfortunately, the cash contributions of yourself and her other friends cannot help her at all but can hurt your own finances rather a lot. Don't get caught up in this! It will only cost you money. You have already lost your friend to her habit long ago.