I'm triggering her depression?

[Taminski 20]

So yesterday I am out walking with one of my best friends. She has been having issues lately, stress at work and chronic pain, etc. and but has been even more emotional lately and withdrawn. We were walking and I ask how she's been doing. She said better, then started to cry...??? Turns out she went back to see her therapist the other day to see if she could get some help and figure out what was going on. They were talking and the therapist asked her if there had been a recent trigger that started all this. My friend didn't think so but started listing all the things that had happened recently. Guess what her trigger was..... Me having surgery and losing weight! It seems that previous friends have lost a bunch of weight and changed their behavior and attitudes and she was concerned that would happen to me. I tried to reassure her it wouldn't and I didn't get upset but when I got home I guess I slipped into a bad mindset and started thinking, so she's fine being my friend as long as I am the "fat" friend but if I lose weight and am "skinnier" then what? I am hoping that is not what she meant. Anyone else had to deal with something like this and have suggestions for how to help her along with my weight loss or do I just go on and hope she gets ok with it.

[Montereygrl 104]

I haven't had that happen but I noticed one of my thinner friends since I had surgery has been kinda distant. The more I waft to share my experience the more she wants to talk about herself. Maybe I just notice it more now.

Hang in there. Maybe if you and your friend start working out together and you keep that bond, then she will not feel like she will lose you.

[xring3 39]

My outlook over the years is you have many "acquaintances" but very few real friends.

[Band07 374]

This is unfortunately not uncommon, our relationships are set up on us being certain people and playing our parts. Weight loss changes that. We always hear that we are still the same people on the inside but it's not true. Weight loss changes your whole life, not all changes are good... Sorry you are having problems with your friend, hopefully she comes around ...

[kathp 81]

I have heard a lot about people having relationships change after surgery. I think part of it is that we find our confidence as the hidden us is exposed and we come out of our fat shells. I also think part of it is that we have been slotted into the "invisible" fat friend role for so long that no longer being invisible is hard for some people to handle. The fact that your friend has a therapist and is willing to work on the trigger, instead of jumping on you right away and blaming you without cause, is a good thing. Work together and be stronger, instead of being apart. But know that you _are_ changing.

Good luck

Kathy

[Taminski 20]

Thanks all. I do hope that we stay strong in our friendship through all this because I really value having her in my life. She said she didn't want me to feel like I had to be her friend??? Had to? Really? I didn't decided to be friends with her because of her weight or mine so I guess I just don't see how my weight changing would impact that but I hear what you guys are saying in that we do change as we migrate to different sized and through different experiences. I just need to remember that this is on her mind and do what I can to make sure that we stay connected.

[ItsMe2033 143]

I don't know if you know how to play the card game Bridge or not. One of the rules of thumb is that if you need your partner to have a certain card in order for you to win the game then you play the game as though your partner has the card that you need. If you don't play that way then you lose the game for sure. If you do play that way and your partner doesn't have the card, then you would have lost no matter what you did. If you don't play that way and if your partner does have that card, then you lost when you could have won. If you do play that way and your partner had the card, then you win.

I think that's what you should do here. You should not take this personally. Just assume that the problem is something that your friend is going through, and be supportive and understanding. In other words be a friend. If you're going to lose the friendship anyway, then you'll lose the friendship. On the other hand if it's possible to save the friendship by being there for your friend, and you are holding back to keep yourself from being hurt as badly, then you might lose the friendship when you could have saved. If it's a good friendship, it's worth taking a lot of emotional risk to save it.

[piercedqt78 658]

I have a sister that is the same way. If I post on Facebook that I have lost 10 pounds, she will comment that she has lost a few clothing sizes herself. I just don't see it. She isn't really losing weight, and I had surgery 5 months ago, and have only seen her once since then, and she lives like 5 miles from me.

[cindymg 629]

Hmmm. Interesting. I have noticed some friends have been distant. They seem to be the ones that are having weight problems. The friends I have that are normal-sized, or losing weight through things like Weight Watchers seem to be closer. Guess I'll pay attention now.

[ItsMe2033 143]

Hmmm. Interesting. I have noticed some friends have been distant. They seem to be the ones that are having weight problems. The friends I have that are normal-sized, or losing weight through things like Weight Watchers seem to be closer. Guess I'll pay attention now.

It's fairly normal to lose some "casual friends" and gain others at a time like this, but I recommend that you minimize this to the extent you can. I recommend that you make extra effort with anyone that you consider a friend. If you end up losing some friends after the extra effort then you know that you would have lost them no matter what you did and it wasn't your fault. On the other hand, if you make the extra effort and you keep the friendship, then you will likely have an even stronger friendship than before.

It's important to keep in mind that your friend may feel that the friendship is threatened by your surgery and your actions to get healthy. As just one example, if you and your friend both used to go eat fattening food together and now you have improved your eating habits, it's perfectly natural and should even be expected that your friend might think that you will want to spend less time with them. They can't read your mind, so it's important to give them reassurances that you value their friendship and you want it to continue.

[gamergirl 4,609]

A lot of other people have posted about jealous friends but your friend doesn't sound jealous, she sounds afraid of you dumping her once you change. This reminds me of a lot of spouses we read about on the forum who are afraid their mate will leave them when they get thinner. Especially if this has happened to her in the past, then her fear is understandable.

Sounds me to your friend could use a little extra TLC from you right now. I don't know about you but I do tend to talk about the changes in my life, my eating, my body, me, me, me, a lot more these days! Maybe just be aware of that and focus on her a bit more?

You're lucky to have a friend that values your friendship so much that the thought of losing it depresses her. Love, hugs, and attention from you should go a long way to reassuring her.

[Taminski 20]

Thank you so much for your insight. I really appreciate the advice and I think you both are right. I do need to make sure that she feels important to me and I don't want to lose our friendship. definitely something to take to heart.

[EarthyGoalie 253]

This hasn't happened to me yet but I fear it may... the more I think about it, the more I fear that it will happen. because my 2 best friends are heavy too and whenever we meet, it's always at our favorite restaurant and ordering our favorite food, and I just know that it's going to be so different... it's scary but I guess it forces you to get a deeper view of what kind of friendship you have.... and I know I'm going to miss those food outings too :-( but I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture! true friends should always be supportive, and find something else to do with you if it isn't eating right?

[gamergirl 4,609]

This hasn't happened to me yet but I fear it may... the more I think about it' date=' the more I fear that it will happen. because my 2 best friends are heavy too and whenever we meet, it's always at our favorite restaurant and ordering our favorite food, and I just know that it's going to be so different... it's scary but I guess it forces you to get a deeper view of what kind of friendship you have.... and I know I'm going to miss those food outings too :-( but I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture! true friends should always be supportive, and find something else to do with you if it isn't eating right?[/quote']

You may not miss the food outings. I think going out to eat with friends is totally fun and normal and I still eat with other folks for work. It's not been a big deal and no one had commented. They all accept I can't eat as much if they know I had surgery, and the ones who don't never even notice that I barely eat. dinner with friends is about chatting anyway.

A lot of people here mention it's awkward to go out to eat, but really I'm less self-conscious than before. Before I wondered if I was ordering too much even though it was less than what others ate! Is was so self-conscious about it. Now I feel more in control.

[danaevett 179]

So yesterday I am out walking with one of my best friends. She has been having issues lately, stress at work and chronic pain, etc. and but has been even more emotional lately and withdrawn. We were walking and I ask how she's been doing. She said better, then started to cry...??? Turns out she went back to see her therapist the other day to see if she could get some help and figure out what was going on. They were talking and the therapist asked her if there had been a recent trigger that started all this. My friend didn't think so but started listing all the things that had happened recently. Guess what her trigger was..... Me having surgery and losing weight! It seems that previous friends have lost a bunch of weight and changed their behavior and attitudes and she was concerned that would happen to me. I tried to reassure her it wouldn't and I didn't get upset but when I got home I guess I slipped into a bad mindset and started thinking, so she's fine being my friend as long as I am the "fat" friend but if I lose weight and am "skinnier" then what? I am hoping that is not what she meant. Anyone else had to deal with something like this and have suggestions for how to help her along with my weight loss or do I just go on and hope she gets ok with it.

Be kind to her. I suffer from depression and I know how it feels. She just needs reassurance right now.