It's been 9 days since I was sleeved and my husband is already acting like he has issues with the upcoming weight loss. He expressed to me days before the surgery that he would rather split now rather than to have me become slim and leave him for the first guy that smiles at me and that he is waiting for me to get fully back on my feet before he splits because he doesn't want to get hurt (what kind of simple minded foolishness is that?!). Anywho, I have endured a lot of manipulation and mental abuse over the years from my husband and I feel this is another plight to get me to do what he wants me to do which is to make myself invisible to all other men, and some women, in the world! We all know that's impossible so he will try and make me feel bad for my decision to want to live a healthier lifestyle (my severe sleep apnea never comes to mind when he's spurting his crap, all he sees is a smaller more outgoing me). How can I deal with this kind of behavior during this fragile time in my life?

Anywho, I have endured a lot of manipulation and mental abuse over the years from my husband and I feel this is another plight to get me to do what he wants me to do which is to make myself invisible to all other men, and some women, in the world!

Sounds like this behavior is familiar to you. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with this man knowing he is manipulative and abusive? Do you want him to keep sabotaging your health and happiness? The best advice I can give you is abusers don't change - you're the one that has to.

These are really complex issues. Counselling would be in order for both of you, together and separately. If he won't, you can do it alone.

You've really changed "the script" of your relationship. Things can escalate when someone does that in a manipulative relationship.

I don't think there are any magic words anyone can give you that will change your husband's attitudes. Stay safe and get support. Good luck.

Sounds like this behavior is familiar to you. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with this man knowing he is manipulative and abusive? Do you want him to keep sabotaging your health and happiness? The best advice I can give you is abusers don't change - you're the one that has to.

This is true, and I have, I just don't know why I let the things he says get to me so much. I can, and have, done bad by myself and I'm well aware that he is more afraid of losing me than I am of losing him, my question is, why do hurt people have to hurt others in order to make themselves feel better? It's crazy but I see it everywhere I turn. My parents raised me to be independent and strong, and the one person that's supposed to love me for that doesn't and the fact that I'm cool with his feelings and started to ignore his foolishness, he's trying to turn up and I really don't want to resort to doing what he does to hurt him. Trying MY BEST TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD

These are really complex issues. Counselling would be in order for both of you' date=' together and separately. If he won't, you can do it alone.

You've really changed "the script" of your relationship. Things can escalate when someone does that in a manipulative relationship.

I don't think there are any magic words anyone can give you that will change your husband's attitudes. Stay safe and get support. Good luck.[/quote']

We've done counseling and my situation is just a lost cause. He has gone through a lot of mental and physical abuse throughout his life and he's just not ready to let it go and try and salvage what's left of his life. Sometimes I wish I could record our interactions so that people can see the utter stupidity that flies out of his mouth most times.

((HUGS))

Thats all I can say

I'm so sorry you're going through this! He obviously has issues that need to be worked out. I don't think you can fix this for him. If it was me I would assure him of the reasons i am doing it. After that I would let him know that the end result and goal for me will be happiness and that I hope that he will be able to accept the new me so that my future happiness will include him.

I'm not sure if he is over weight too, but if he is maybe encourage him to make a good choice to follow in your footsteps to better health. Maybe that will help with his fears. But on another note, you have to lay some ground rules, or he will continue to bring you down. If your are the independant women that you state, you should have no problem doing this. Ignoring his comments will only get you so far trust me, been there done that. In my current relationship, he was not very supporting of my choice for the sleeve, but what I said was I doing this with or without your support. I want to be around for my children and him, but if this chance is too much for you then there is the door, because I am gonna make it with or without you! I really meant what I said, and now I have his support. I also told him what I expect from him once I am post op. You need to have your head your head in the game of losing, and you can't completely do this with someone close to your heart steeping on you out the gate! Good Luck to you and hope everything works out for the best!!

I'm not sure if he is over weight too' date=' but if he is maybe encourage him to make a good choice to follow in your footsteps to better health. Maybe that will help with his fears. But on another note, you have to lay some ground rules, or he will continue to bring you down. If your are the independant women that you state, you should have no problem doing this. Ignoring his comments will only get you so far trust me, been there done that. In my current relationship, he was not very supporting of my choice for the sleeve, but what I said was I doing this with or without your support. I want to be around for my children and him, but if this chance is too much for you then there is the door, because I am gonna make it with or without you! I really meant what I said, and now I have his support. I also told him what I expect from him once I am post op. You need to have your head your head in the game of losing, and you can't completely do this with someone close to your heart steeping on you out the gate! Good Luck to you and hope everything works out for the best!![/quote']

Your absolutely right, I need to get over that feelings crap and realize I'm only holding myself back by caring for someone who probably never cared for me. Gotta keep it pushin, and that I will. :-)

This is true, and I have, I just don't know why I let the things he says get to me so much. I can, and have, done bad by myself and I'm well aware that he is more afraid of losing me than I am of losing him, my question is, why do hurt people have to hurt others in order to make themselves feel better? It's crazy but I see it everywhere I turn. My parents raised me to be independent and strong, and the one person that's supposed to love me for that doesn't and the fact that I'm cool with his feelings and started to ignore his foolishness, he's trying to turn up and I really don't want to resort to doing what he does to hurt him. Trying MY BEST TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD

Why does he hurt you to make himself feel better? Because that's the way he is. That's the way all abusers are. It's a cornerstone of their personalities and that is why they seldom change, whether they seek help or not. Since you've done therapy before and it hasn't helped your relationship, I'd say you know where things stand with him. If it were me, I'd take the high road out of his life for good. You deserve better. You should never be asking yourself "why do I let the things he says get to me?" because if he really loved and cared for you he wouldn't discourage or belittle you in any way. This life change you've made doesn't stop at surgery.

Why does he hurt you to make himself feel better? Because that's the way he is. That's the way all abusers are. It's a cornerstone of their personalities and that is why they seldom change' date=' whether they seek help or not. Since you've done therapy before and it hasn't helped your relationship, I'd say you know where things stand with him. If it were me, I'd take the high road out of his life for good. You deserve better. You should never be asking yourself "why do I let the things he says get to me?" because if he really loved and cared for you he wouldn't discourage or belittle you in any way. This life change you've made doesn't stop at surgery.[/quote']

Totally agree.

I say don't let the door hit you on the butt hubby. Not worth it.

It's been 9 days since I was sleeved and my husband is already acting like he has issues with the upcoming weight loss. He expressed to me days before the surgery that he would rather split now rather than to have me become slim and leave him for the first guy that smiles at me and that he is waiting for me to get fully back on my feet before he splits because he doesn't want to get hurt (what kind of simple minded foolishness is that?!). Anywho' date=' I have endured a lot of manipulation and mental abuse over the years from my husband and I feel this is another plight to get me to do what he wants me to do which is to make myself invisible to all other men, and some women, in the world! We all know that's impossible so he will try and make me feel bad for my decision to want to live a healthier lifestyle (my severe sleep apnea never comes to mind when he's spurting his crap, all he sees is a smaller more outgoing me). How can I deal with this kind of behavior during this fragile time in my life?[/quote']

Wow kind of the manipulation I go through, I feel like if you were doing ok before yall were together than you'll be fine after he goes. And tell him you didn't have to wait until you lost weight to get the smiles and looks you were getting them regardless. The nerve of some men. Your decision will only make you stronger and he needs to help you instead of all the added "BS" who needs that right now? Good luck hun. We all need it

I pray that GOD gives you the strength to take complete control of your life. I wish you luck on what is meant to be a positive journey. Best wishes!!!!!

He is very insecure and he is so scare to lose u that he things that once u lose the weight u r going to leave him. They don't realize that there are men that likes big women. I know this because my husband act the same way but like everyone else i don't think u should leave him. Go to therapy together. Remember that this is a huge change for everyone not just for u. I don't believe in divorce and i will fight for my marriage because that is how the contract works. Lol. Try to understand him. He is scare of losing u thats all, it is up to u to show him that his action will lose u more than how much u weight.

I started not to post on this because only you know how your marriage is and many people I think give up too soon on their marriages. That said...you have to think of your physical and mental health (and that of your kids if you have any). This surgery will give you much of your life back, but it will also make you much more prone to depression and other problems if you already haven't done the "head work".

You will need to decide if your husband is helping or hindering your development. If he is hindering your development, you will need to go to counseling (alone if he won't go) and keep on going until you feel ready to make a decision and stick with it, either way. I believe part of his issue is fear. Our fears (at least as healthy adults) are never really about someone else, they are ours to own and acknowledge.

If he is so scared of losing you that he resorts to hurting you (even mentally) you have to decide if you are willing to put yourself at risk for mental abuse because of his issues. I'm all for realizing that people hurt because they are hurt, but you cannot fix his past any more than he can fix yours. He has to want to do better to do better.

Please consider the message his behavior sends to you (and your kids if you have any). Do you really want to risk your safety and sanity because he is not willing to take action and fix his issues? If you have kids, do you really want them to treat others/ or be treated the way he treats you?

That's really what you need to decide.