Wife isn't supportive

[Harpo 30]

I am scheduled for surgery on February 26. I want support from my spouse. Every time I ask her her opinion, on if I'm doing the right thing, she always says "whatever you want to do " I probe, and the only thing I get out of her is how much more work it's going to be on her, 'cuz she plans the meals. Instead of telling me "you'll live longer", "you won't get diabetes", "you'll be a better role model for the kids", or even "I want you to do it because you'll be happier", I get nothing, & it ends in an argument.

I blame myself for being fat, but she has played somewhat of a role in it as well, as she is the meal planner, she is the cook, and she consistently will not plan meals. We have made "deals" numerous times, where she has promised that she would plan meals out a week in advance. I can't count how many times the last two years that I've gotten home from work at 5:00 or 5:30 PM, And there has been no food planned. Those nights we usually end up eating out, ordering pizza, or ordering Chinese.

She is thin, and will never have a weight problem. In most ways I feel like she resents me for having the problem that I do, and the reason that she is not supportive is because she thinks it's going to create more work for her. My thoughts… She is being selfish.

I am very frustrated with her, and this is taking a toll on our relationship. Again, I want and need her to be supportive, but I just don't think that is going to happen.

Any advice would be appreciated, particularly from those who might have had a similar situation.

[onelessfatgirl 103]

Jason, I feel for ya man. My best advice is to take some time to consider how she's feeling (what might her perspective be?) and then try to talk to her, heart to heart (keeping her potential perspective in mind), sharing when the time is right that you feel misunderstood, resented, and unsupported. She might very well be scared for you and/or for the ambiguous changes this will bring your relationship. I mean, it kinda sounds like she has her own bag of mixed emotions to sort through.

[mattsbelly 76]

My wife is supportive but can be like your wife with decisions. At first she just complained about not having the money to get rid of extra skin. I very bluntly told her I don't care about the extra skin and we will deal with that when it happens. I am sorry your wife isn't being supportive. It sounds like you could use that right now. Have you given any thought to some counseling for the both of you? Maybe involving her in nutritional appointments so she can see exactly what needs to happen.

[JennCH 19]

You might just let her know that you don't want to put her out and prepare your own meals. My husband and I do not eat the same things so we have prepared meals separately for years. If you plan well, it doesn't take all that much time.

[xlovexdangerxmagickx 25]

My surgery is 2-12-2013.

My boyfriend, live in isn't being the best support pillar I'd appreciate. He is also thin and can eat and eat and not gain a pound. A$$! Lol. But I completely understand you being upset. I dunno what to do with it.... Sigh!

[Traci J. 207]

My husband was pretty much the same way. But in the end he was just worried about me dying on the table. Now that it's done, he has actually began to watch his own diet better. Your wife won't need to plan meals much, at least not for you, because you probably won't be hungry post-op and when you are you will need to focus on Protein first. Once you are able to eat regular foods again, you can eat whatever you want, just only a few bites. I told my hubby he was on his own for dinners until I could eat more and then I'd start cooking again. He was ok with that....so maybe tell your wife not to worry about it creating more work for her, cause if anything it'll be alot less.

[Richard Foor 655]

My wife was unsupportive at first, but I told her that my mind was made up and I was going through with it because it is what I needed to do. She stopped giving me a hard time, and post op since things have gone well and I am feeling better then I have in years she now says she is glad I didn't let her talk me out of it because it was obviously the right choice. Also you should tell your wife that it won't be more work for her because post op you will need to plan your own meals to ensure you are getting all your proper nutrient ranges. Good luck

[JuliannaJ 83]

I don't know your schedule or anything but if I were you I would "cook" for myself and if the wife wants some too she can have it. If you are off on the weekend or whatever day, try that day to do some cooking and freeze/ refridgerate. There are plenty of online sites where they have recipes for the whole week. If you do not have time, on the way home from work stop in and get a rotiserie cooked chicken and sides from your local grocery store or buy some of the reheat and serve type meals they sell in the grocery store...of course you have to look at calories and such but there are some healthy quick alternatives at the store as well,even in the freezer/ fridge section.

Marriage is give and take so maybe you will need to be the one to plan the meals for awhile.

As far as her support she may be having some fear about the procedure or how things will change if you change. Who knows!

Good luck to you...

[UTGal99 327]

Personally, I am sad that your wife is not being as supportive as a spouse should be. If it was her going through this she would be raising hell b/c you are not supporting her, etc.

I saw this is a lifestyle change you have chosen for yourself and I would do what you need to do to make that lifestyle change work. You don't need her to plan the meals, you can do this on your own.

I agree with mattsbelly - consider getting some counseling for the two of you. If she doesn't understand and support you now...I hate to say this, it isn't going to get better. It will only get worse. I have seen it happen time and time and time again with other individuals.

Just my 2 cents--

Good Luck!

[Nicolanz 1,484]

Jason, the very first post I made on this forum was "Husband not supportive" He even blew up on me saying I stuff my face. I never talked about the surgery with him after that. I felt alone and depressed and guilty. It was horrible. When I got back from having my surgery he was 100% on board. I think he was terrified I wouldn't survive. Honestly, I didn't care and would have left him if he made me chose not to have it. I got great support frim this site. People who understood what I was going through.

He's skinny too and eats enough for 3 people. He'll never understand my struggles even though he's watched me try every diet known to man.

Stay strong. Do this for you and I'm sure she'll come around. It may not be until after you've had your surgery. Stick to your plan or you'll never forgive her for talking you out of it.

[Lisa'slosinit 147]

puttin my 2 cents in !!! hang in there !!!My fiance really did not want me to have the surgery either . he prefers "chunky" girls!lol!...now that the weight is coming off....oh boy!!he is lovin it and cant take his hands off my curves !!!!

u need to go ahead with your decision and once its done its done .your wife is worried im sure , but assure her in the long run she will be glad u did it . it is soooooooo great to walk alongside my bf and not huff n puff anymore!!As far as meals ...he fends to himself...and is glad to do so !!!Things will get better, but im sure she may have some insecurities of her own.best of luck to ya !!!

[desertmom 297]

Ok,just a different take on this.

We set our lives up the way we want it to be,or we are suppose to..lol.One of the problems overweight people have is not taking care of themselves.Your wife is in the lucky position to be skinny but she still choses what she eats and how much.If she decided to start over eating she would get fat,no doubt! Now you start doing the same for yourself.

Taking responsibility for your eating would be the best way you can handle a sitation like this.And guys can cook.(Not much cooking involved as normal portions can be devided into 5 meals at least for a couple of months)And you making peace with the fact that this is something you might have to do for yourself,by yourself.And there can be many excuses not to do this,but what would the outcome be?Stress in your relationship.I have found that for myself,it was way better for me to not try to hold someone else "co-responsible" for my eating.It will be my success or my failure.

Thin people cannot and do not understand our issues.They think we need more self control..lol. your family might still eat their take outs. And you are not going to be able to stop them.And in the beginning you are really not going to like them for that.But that is life for normal people.And why not,she is skinny!

And maybe once you suggest you do your own meals,she might be way more willing to help you.

In a year's time,you will be able to join the meals she cooks again and choose what you want to eat of it.If she orders take outs then it will not bug you because a can of tuna takes 10 seconds to open and you will be ok with doing it.

All this might sound harsh to you now,but I was so resentful just after I was sleeved that I just had to sit and ask myslef what would make life in this house better again,for everyone.

It works.Nothing but myself can now get me off track.It makes me take responsibility for my life and it takes 2 hours over the weekend to plan and make most of my meals for the week.

A partnership is give and take but we cannot force people to give or take.It doesnt make her selfish.It is just not as important to her than to you because she doesnt have a weight problem.

I often hear people say but its about the support I support her in what she wants to do,or I dont have time,or its her job she doesnt work outside the house or bla bla bla...so what?We cannot always get people to co-operate with what we want.This should also take that co-responsibility you give her now for you being overweight away and it should make you a lot happier not having to be a little mad at her for it...lol

You can do this.I did and it feels good!

O,and as for support.She is supporting you already.She agrees that you have to do what you need to.With "you" being the key word here!

[No game 14,436]

I keep reading your original post.. Do you have children? If so, talk to her about the importance of a healthy homemade meal over take out, for their sake. And if you don't then she can "plan" or not for her and you can make your meals eating after the sleeve is pretty easy.

[BigFatLoser 331]

Could she feel threatened? Like youre going to get this new body and go cruising for chicks? It's a common issue.

[WillowsAngel_32513 70]

Sounds kinda selfish, but also sounds like its more to her unsupportive attitude....mabe shes scared?