:smile1:. Sooooooo I'm here.

Last week the needle crept under 200 and stayed at 199.5 for a couple days. I ignored it because you know what that needle sometimes does, it bounces a little right back up for a couple days before it settles down. But it didn't. Stayed right there at 199.5...199.5...199.5....

And now? This morning?

195.8.

That means that since November 1 -- I use that as a kind of baseline date because it's when I started working full time again -- I went from about 222 pounds to about 196: 26 pounds in three or so months. so first of all, that's a really good rate of loss for anybody, and second of all once I got on the scale and saw that...well I lost all doubt that I was going to get to goal.

My one year surgiversary will be April 1. I know I won't get to goal in one year...but I have a feeling that by my birthday in October I'll at least be close.

The thing I've been thinking about lately though is what I've put myself through over my weight in my lifetime. This issue has taken up more time, attention, heartache, money and lost opportunities than any other in my life -- to a degree I don't think but a very few other people could understand. I've thought that I shouldn't bother to try to interview for jobs because I was too fat. I've spent years of my life dieting as an actual career -- where all I did and thought about was working out and staring at the number on the scale; never low enough, never thin enough.

I tried not caring about it. I tried to just be fat and live my life but walking around like that made me feel so hideous and abnormal and worthless. But either way -- whether I was dieting and trying to press the number on the scale down into some impossible region, or letting myself balloon to three hundred pounds -- I have spent my whole life consistently hating myself and my body and reacting to that, one way or another, daily if not hourly.

There is something really wrong with that and I know it. And the really amazing thing is, after all this time, my whole life, I don't even have any insights to share with anyone else about it. I don't have any wisdom or advice. If I had a daughter though, I know I would never allow her to put herself through this. I wouldn't let that self-hatred take hold in her; I would do everything I could to fill her with self-confidence and self-love. I don't know, even, how I would do it -- but I know one thing. No one should have to live their lives like I did, over something so pointless and endlessly frustrating. It becomes an existential frustration, a condition of life suffering; self-hatred over the fat on your body.

I'm back to being sad I had to cut my stomach out. I feel ashamed of it almost -- obviously this was such a huge unmanageable problem for me that I had to take an expensive and dangerous leap into the unknown out of utter desperation. To this day - almost a year later -- I have no idea what came over me or what drove me to find this board, that surgeon, get my ass on a plane to a foreign country to *have my stomach removed*.

I found out last month I have health problems. Not huge ones -- and probably not to the degree I was setting myself up for if I had stayed at 300 pounds. When you get that fat you're at such a loss as to how in the hell you're going to get it back off that I guess I'm lucky I had the money and the guts to try this. But...the reason I have health problems is because of malnutrition. I was taking a multiple but I was not taking b12 and Iron and my blood got hugely screwed up. I have to go back to the doctor to get bloods taken again in a couple weeks and I'll probably have recovered; but supplementation with Protein, iron and B12 has to be a lifelong thing now or I'll get sick.

I have a pair of size 12 jeans in my closet and I should be thrilled that they fit. I'm not unhappy that they do but I don't feel joyful either. Mostly I just can't believe what I had to go through to get here.

Congrats on the onederland i too just hit that mark today, so i know the feeling im waiting for tomorrow when that number might go back up, but ill still take the little joys in life!!!

On the other note i hope all your medical issues get resolved because you have obviously worked hard to get to this moment and i really wish you all the joy for your effort!

Congratulations. I share with you the excitment of that feeling.

Crosswind:

The low B12 could be affecting your mood. I hope that's the case and that you feel better when it gets up to a normal level. According to my program (Kaiser Fremont), I will be supplementing Vitamins for the rest of my life too (Daily: 2 multis, Vitamin D, vitamin B, and 6 calcium; 2x per week: B12 sublingual; plus iron). No need to supplement Protein because I get enough in through food. I don't mind popping a few vitamins.

Please stop beating yourself up over what I consider an illness. Would you be mean to yourself if you had a heart defect? I think the body and mind are very complex and it's not my fault that I needed help to get to a normal weight. Yes, sure, lots of people never need that help, but lots of people have blue eyes too. I don't have blue eyes and I don't have the body/mind combo that would allow me to stay at a healthy weight.

My wish for you is that you would treat yourself as you would treat the daughter you don't have. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the daughter you might have one day. Children see how we treat ourselves, not just what we tell them, and they internalize that.

Lastly, Welcome to Onderland!!! I'm glad the sleeve is working for you.

Lynda

Yes, sure, lots of people never need that help, but lots of people have blue eyes too. I don't have blue eyes and I don't have the body/mind combo that would allow me to stay at a healthy weight.

Well that's a good point.

I think with me actually I didn't/don't have the emotional history or makeup to stay at a healthy weight. I could never just be happy with myself. I remember being at 180 and having people compliment my looks, and thinking well, but I weigh 180 pounds and that's not 130 pounds so there's no point in giving me any compliments. I remember being a teenager and getting up to 163, and just *hating* every inch of myself. I would read about models eating styrofoam and doing heroin to stay thin and actually consider these things as a lifestyle choice. I thought people who were anorexic were *lucky*.

Just messed up over it, you know. Seriously, massively.

But it is good to be an almost-12 again.

Congrats on hitting Onederland!!

Onederful

Congrats!!! What an amazing feeling yay!