where to began....???? ok so i was visiting my best friend ( who is very opinionated)... so she has had a hard time accepting that i'm getting vsg. we have struggled with our weight together up and down together i have always been the heaviest one as i'm several inches shorter than her... i wrote a very long email telling her of my decision to move forward with the surgery... well this weekend ... while at her house she said that the sleeve was an ABOMINATION ... my jaw hit the floor and my husband looked at her and said an abomination ... she always come out her mouth all crazy ...but deep deep deep down she is very loving and caring she always there for me and supports me ...i really don't know how to take this... i really don't have time for such negativity in my life... for once i really need to just focus on me staying positve, healing, and my weight loss...

she has been saying before that you can do it on your own you don't need surgery... she says i just want to see you at least work out on your own first ... she says i just need to see you do something before surgery on your own....another time she said if you're going to get it you better work it ... very mixed signals!!!!.... right???

i talked to my husband who is super supportive of me.... about her actions and he feel like i do ... i don't owe her anything... he has watched us kill ourselves in the gym and diet together to the point of starvation and gain all the weight back plus together...

i think now it's time to step back away from the friendship and focus on me...

ok ...so am i just being super sensitive????? ..and just need to let this go or what...???

help i need a second option on this.....

sounds like jealousy that you are going to be getting a definate way to solve your weight issue while she still struggles. dont let anyone make you feel bad about bettering youself and your health!!!

Luckily my best friend is very supportive and she knows that once I have my mind made up, there's no changing it. But I feel like you should do what is best for you. I actually think that you taking the step to move forward and have the surgery just might make her want it later. If she sees that you "succeed" at this, she may want your support later. I think after you have the surgery and she sees how well you do, she will be fine! The proof is in the pudding...Show her how you work the sleeve!!

No she really is jealous. You're making a definitive change while she's standing on the sidelines wishing. Wishing she were you. She doesn't want to be obese alone. You were her Binge Buddy. So in actuality she's more hurt than jealous or angry. Friends like that you don't need. Now don't let a crazy guy like me dictate who your friends are. But she needs to clearly understand that "either-get-on-board-or-watch-me-pass-you-by" mentality that you may adopt. I am sure as her friend you love her but right now you have to love you even more.

I think it is jealousy and a fear that you will be all skinny and she will still be struggling and then that you won't look at her the same way again. I know deep down I would feel the same way if my sister had gotten her surgery first (not that I'd say it was an abomination or anything) but I would secretly be seething and I might even say some stupid things. Jealousy is a powerful demon. Just let her have some time to cool off about it. Is she considering surgery at all? (Maybe she really wants to have some but can't afford it).

If she's a good friend for a long time, i don't know that i would let her go just yet, but i would definitely say look.... What is the real problem here??? You HAVE seen me work my ass off and nearly kill myself dieting and exercising, and I don't have to do it again to prove anything to anyone. I have made a decision to go forward with surgery, my hubby supports me, and I would LOVE for my best friend to support me without all the negative backbiting comments. I don't want our friendship to be damaged, but my health has got to come first. I can do it without you by my side, but I don't really want to........

Maybe this will open her up to the real reasons she doesnt want you to be sleeved. It could be concern because of fear of losing you. It could be jealousy. It could be the bond that you've shared fighting this battle together she is not wanting to lose. Let her know y'all can still diet and exercise together.

If she still continues the negativity, then yeah, might have to put some distance between you, at least for a while. Hope it works out!!!

I like what KellyL said. She sounds scared - both for you and for herself I suspect. Have a good heart to heart with her. You doing this may open her mind enough that someday it helps her move forward too.

i think she may be scared to loose you as a friend after you have the surgery because she will still be fat, while u are loosing the weight......and sometimes friendships fall apart when one changes............she may not know herself yet why she is acting this way .......you can always just re assure her that you will be there 4 her or u can take a step back from the whole relationship.......I would definatly tell her that you need her on ur side supporting you and not making things harder for you .....also, seems to me that she is not educated on the sleeve surgery...provide her with a booklet or something so she can be informed.....then she cant call it abomination anymore lol...

I can't add too much to what everyone else says. One thing you should be prepared for though, as you get this surgery and start losing weight, is that the friends you used to bond over food with, who are also obese, will begin to feel more and more uncomfortable around you. One thing I have heard a lot of is that your old "fat friends" don't want to made to feel uncomfortable, and more than likely you will see those friendships disappear. If she is someone that you treasure, talk to her and let her know that you really do want the friendship continue, but that you WILL need her support. Who knows...maybe once she sees you doing well- she may follow your lead.

Aww GA Girl,

I feel for you. I'm sorry she hurt you with these ugly words, and I'm sure she will be sorry too. You are her co-dependency buddy. Sorry, calling it like I see it.

A soft word turns away wrath... You just go with your decision, moving forward, but everytime she 'goes there' you need to repeat, this is what I choose for me--I don't need or expect you to agree with me, but if we are going to be friends, you need to accept and respect my choice.

Girl, she desperately wants to be free too. Maybe her fear is she doesnt have the resources and she'll be alone... either way, sounds like you've been friends for a long time and she probably didn't get the crazy mouth over night. lol If she drags you down sister, you may have to exit...but I suspect you can survive the walk.

Best of wishes to you. Sounds like hubby is a wonderful man!

Susan

Hi, I have been heavy my entire life. I lost and gained hundreds of pounds several times and after a great deal of research, prayer and thought I had decided on weight loss surgery.

I told my best friend who has seen my struggle, tears and pain over the losses and gains. Her first comment was I can't believe you are taking the easy way out. She yelled at me. I cried, no sobbed at her reaction. She was furious that I made this decision without talking to her first and "trying" to lose weight on my own. WHAAAT? trying to lose weight on my own??? I asked her what she had thought I had been doing all those other times. She told me that I wasn't trying hard enough. I was stunned and hurt to the core. Of all people I thought she would have been the most supportive.

We hung up, I thought for a while and called her back. I asked her not to comment and to listen to what my heart was saying. I explained to her why I had gone to my doctor and discussed this, why I was doing it, the benefits for it, that I needed help and that God had led me to that place in time.

My surgery came and went, three weeks later I got a phone call from her that was very cold asking how my day was. I reminded her that I had had surgery three weeks earlier. She was distant. I wrote her a letter telling her how much it hurt that she did not support me in my decision to become healthy. That it felt like I was the child and she the mother and I had disobeyed her. I explained to her that I needed help to lose weight and that God helped me to come to the decision. It still was not good enough for her. I had not asked her first. She did not have control over me.

Well, needless to say we are no longer friends. I love her and always will. But I learned before my band that many times we heavy people fill a need in our "lighter" friends. The need for them to be the beautiful one, the thinner one, the better one. And when we lose the weight, that need is not longer filled. They are no longer the "better" one. They are no longer the only one that gets attention, looks, smiles etc. The need for them to control or take care of us is no longer there. When we lose weight, we move on in our lives and if that means to move on past a friend who is stuck, we do. We have to.

I believe it is important to leave the door open, at least it has been for me. But, until she accepts that I am making myself healthier and needed help to do it, we can no longer be friends. That was a VERY difficult lesson for me to learn, one that hurt to the core. It helped me to see the control she had and the control over myself that I took! I am a better person because of it.

I wish you the very best, it will work out for you. She has to make the decision to be your support or not, if not, then you keep going forward and know that you are becoming healthier and happier! God bless you!

Patti

where to began....???? ok so i was visiting my best friend ( who is very opinionated)... so she has had a hard time accepting that i'm getting vsg. we have struggled with our weight together up and down together i have always been the heaviest one as i'm several inches shorter than her... i wrote a very long email telling her of my decision to move forward with the surgery... well this weekend ... while at her house she said that the sleeve was an ABOMINATION ... my jaw hit the floor and my husband looked at her and said an abomination ... she always come out her mouth all crazy ...but deep deep deep down she is very loving and caring she always there for me and supports me ...i really don't know how to take this... i really don't have time for such negativity in my life... for once i really need to just focus on me staying positve, healing, and my weight loss...

she has been saying before that you can do it on your own you don't need surgery... she says i just want to see you at least work out on your own first ... she says i just need to see you do something before surgery on your own....another time she said if you're going to get it you better work it ... very mixed signals!!!!.... right???

i talked to my husband who is super supportive of me.... about her actions and he feel like i do ... i don't owe her anything... he has watched us kill ourselves in the gym and diet together to the point of starvation and gain all the weight back plus together...

i think now it's time to step back away from the friendship and focus on me...

ok ...so am i just being super sensitive????? ..and just need to let this go or what...???

help i need a second option on this.....

I really think she is insecure, scared, and like someone else said doesn't want to lose her "binging" buddy.

Me and my workout buddies are doing this together. We have been dillgent the last year and half and lose/gain cycle. Two of us are doing the sleeve and we will probably be doing it within a month of each other. What's funny is we have planned to share appetizers together. LOL.

My other frriend since 94, is a size 12. I have always been larger than her, etc. She knows my struggles and was absolutely okay with me having the surgery and offered for me to stay with her to recooperate.

I actually spoke with my pastor about it a few weeks ago and was encouraged to "go for it". I do believe not every diet works for everyone. Some people can workout lose the weight and keep it off. That's not my testimony. Neither was being on Adkins, Weight Watchers, hCg, Nutrisystem, etc. You have to what is best for you.

where to began....???? ok so i was visiting my best friend ( who is very opinionated)... so she has had a hard time accepting that i'm getting vsg. we have struggled with our weight together up and down together i have always been the heaviest one as i'm several inches shorter than her... i wrote a very long email telling her of my decision to move forward with the surgery... well this weekend ... while at her house she said that the sleeve was an ABOMINATION ... my jaw hit the floor and my husband looked at her and said an abomination ... she always come out her mouth all crazy ...but deep deep deep down she is very loving and caring she always there for me and supports me ...i really don't know how to take this... i really don't have time for such negativity in my life... for once i really need to just focus on me staying positve, healing, and my weight loss...

she has been saying before that you can do it on your own you don't need surgery... she says i just want to see you at least work out on your own first ... she says i just need to see you do something before surgery on your own....another time she said if you're going to get it you better work it ... very mixed signals!!!!.... right???

i talked to my husband who is super supportive of me.... about her actions and he feel like i do ... i don't owe her anything... he has watched us kill ourselves in the gym and diet together to the point of starvation and gain all the weight back plus together...

i think now it's time to step back away from the friendship and focus on me...

ok ...so am i just being super sensitive????? ..and just need to let this go or what...???

help i need a second option on this.....

Ok, I'm sure you've heard this before, "with friends like that, who needs enemies" Super jealous friend. . she wants to keep her fat friends around her so she doesn't have to do anything about anything. You get your surgery and together we all will win the obesity cycle! Good luck and I'm so happy your darlin hubbie supports you with this. . .

No she really is jealous. You're making a definitive change while she's standing on the sidelines wishing. Wishing she were you. She doesn't want to be obese alone. You were her Binge Buddy. So in actuality she's more hurt than jealous or angry. Friends like that you don't need. Now don't let a crazy guy like me dictate who your friends are. But she needs to clearly understand that "either-get-on-board-or-watch-me-pass-you-by" mentality that you may adopt. I am sure as her friend you love her but right now you have to love you even more.

I think majority of us end up adopting this persona. When someone makes such a drastic change, many relationships will suffer because of it. Whether it be parent/child/spouse/other/friends. It would be nearly impossible to go scott free without some sort of metamorphosis with the self and with others. Make no mistake this will probably be the biggest change any of us will ever make in our lives.

At first it will hurt when friends (usually the overweight ones, or the insecure ones that liked us because we were non threatening) toss us to the curb because we have decided to take the bull by the horns and get right with our bodies. However, that is thier problem, no ours. Once we embark on this journey our ONLY CONCERN should be us and how we will finish out. Anything more and it's just not fitting in the cup.

So with that, they can either join in the journey, or move on.

Also, no this surgery is NOT an abomination. It is a gift that is saving thousands of lives every single day. God bless and I wish you well on your surgery!

thanks so much for all the replies ... there is so much support on here... took you guys advice and she apologized ... said that this was not worth losing my friendship over ... but if she starts up again i will have no choose but to move on ... without her ... hard enough without all the drama ... i only chose to tell her and my husband .. because i already knew my other family member would react horribly... and even though i knew it would take time for her to come around I was truly hoping she would be there and support me as i have done her over the years ... anyway for now things seem to be moving in a more positive direction ... for now ... i haven't had the surgery yet ...

hope that doesn't change after surgery... Thanks everyone for the really great advice......

I think the perfect example is in that move "Hall Pass". There is a scene where the guys are looking at a "hot" girl and some dude tells them look closer she is not really hot. She surrounds herself with people that are less (for lack of a better word) than she is but if you look at her by herself she is definately not hot. My bff of 25 years was always the "hot" one, tall thin blonde and blue eyes. I was the short fat girl but had a pretty face. The guys always liked her and she always got the attention. Her comment to me when I told her where I was weight wise was "you weigh less than me now, we can't have that!" Maybe I took it too personally but it showed me a little of where she saw me. I'll know more of how she really feels when I see her next spring. See how your friend reacts to you after you are healthy and strong.