It's no secret to those who have kept up with me that I've been on a very thin line between buyer's remorse and just dealing with life after surgery. I have what I feel to be a unique situation where I feel I made a horrible decision and had surgery I was not ready to have.

I did this because as the wife and mother, I am, who refuses to disrupt others and make things go as smoothly as possible it was the ONLY time I could do this because of various situations in my family aka my husband's life.

I had asked to cancel this surgery for a week previous but was constantly reminded of all the negative issues it would cause to happen to myself and more importantly my family. I went into the OR telling them without any drugs in my system that I had changed my mind and wanted to stop. But was knocked out and woke up as is.

I have gotten many comments to the order of "deal with it". I posted in my personal blog my feelings and that's all I get. Well obviously, I can not undo what has been done, so I have no other choice but to "deal with it".

I feel that I am no longer getting the support I need from this forum at this time. I feel like I am of a VERY slim majority of people who had a situation thrown at them, thought they were making the best choice for the family and is living with regret. I know the majority of folks on here are really looking for support and guidance. I feel I have neither to offer anyone.

So with that being said, I think at least I will take a break from here. I'm sincerely happy that everyone who is happy has found what they believe to be the right choice for THEM. And with that I wish them continual success and happiness in reaching every goal they set for themselves.

I feel until I am able to deal with the cards dealt I do best to stay away from being reminded the need to simply deal with it as that's all I have to do because I have no choice.

Good luck and I hope you find some peace with your decision and come to feel that it was the best thing for everyone.

Carrie,

I'm sorry for all you have gone through. I read your OP and felt it was a bunch of BS that they continued with your surgery, infact you could have a lawsuit. We do a lot for our families and are easily persuaded by only hearing positives. I'm glad you chose to tell your story here and I hope that you are able to find some support elsewhere. Perhaps through a therapist, because what happened to you had to be traumatic.

Congratulations on your new smaller stomach.

My heart truly breaks for you because I know your towing a line that you weren't mentally nor emotionally prepared to tow.

The quality of life you were living with the band was deplorable, and I hope at some point you can reflect on those times, and realize that things will improve. Your family did put you in a horrible situation, and the guilt of "inconveniencing" them, and disrupting their lives is not a weight you should have to carry on top of what you are were already dealing with.

I can tell you that my life with the sleeve is fabulous, but until you confront, and deal with the other emotions that you are struggling with, you aren't going to believe me.

I know you are hurting, and I wish I could make it better. I wish I could convince you that you will be happy with the sleeve. I actually don't think it has to do with the sleeve as much as you are extremely resentful because you did it for everyone else. But, I can't imagine you were happy with your quality of life that the band had you living day in and day out. You had just accepted it. I want you to find joy, and peace in your life.

Best wishes Carrie, and I appreciate your message. I just haven't had a chance to reply.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through Carrie. I wish there was something I could do for you. I don't understand anyone pressuring you if you felt you weren't ready - that's just plain wrong. I tried to reply to your last email but saw that you've blocked private messages and I got worried so looked for this post. If you decide you want to receive private messages again please let me know, I'm here any time. And if you can find anyone to talk to there in Texas please do.

I can tell you that surgery often induces depression for me and that things have gotten better as I've gone through recovery and had a chance to heal and have those darn drugs leave my system. Here's hoping the same for you.

Please take care,

Britt

Hi Carrie! I'm so sorry you are not happy with what happened to you. I imagine anyone here would feel the same.

I won't tell you to just "deal with it" because that is not helpful to anyone. I only hope that things will lighten up for you, and that you will come to grow to love your new life.

I'm more sorry you feel the need to leave because some people don't know how to be supportive on a support website. You may be doing the best thing by taking a break up until you feel its right to come back. It would be great to see you again with good news and positive feelings.

I wish you the best! Hugs!

I hope as time passes, you feel better about living with the sleeve. Unfortunately, even if you feel better about what has happened to your body, it doesn't change the fact that you felt pressured to please other people and to make your family members a priority at the price of 80% of your stomach. Nor will it change the emotional impact of having been ignored by medical professionals and having been forced to undergo a procedure you didn't want. I understand the replies that have pointed out that you had already signed informed consent--but I would be very surprised if patients don't have the legal right to revoke a consent. I'm sure I would be furious if I had experienced what you went through. I'm sorry...please let us know how this works out for you...

I'm very thankful to see the support each of you have given. I am back from the weekend from hell. This surgery had destroyed my life and being. I was watching tv with my 1 year old and a commercial came on Nick Jr. Talking about how fun it would be if grown ups could play. It showed an OR. I saw the bright OR lights and immediately had a "flash back". I can not express how unhappy I am. I actually really like my surgeon and he has no idea how I feel or that he did a surgery on someone without consent. I feel I am constantly reminded via pain and discomfort of healing from this surgery and the fact I am scared to eat and often times drink because of pain or discomfort. Then I have nightmares of the OR at night. It got so bad that law enforcement has paid a visit. I am going one day at a time at this point. I have two young children and I owe them at least 20 years. After that I can't guarantee anyone anything. I wish I had a better update that things were better. But they aren't. I have no idea what I am going to do. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and this has almost destroyed our marriage. I feel I can no longer tell him how I feel due to him freaking out and getting the cops involved. I would wish this on nobody. I feel I am the only freak in the universe with this problem as if I am some weird mutant. As I said, I wish the news were better, but that's all I got for now.

Have you told your surgeon how you are feeling? If not - or if you have, and he hasn't done much to address is - I think you should describe your feelings to him. I feel that you'd benefit from professional help right now. Ideally, a nurse who's experienced with post-op psychiatric care; if not, I think a counselor who has experience with people who've suffered assault may be helpful (as it seems you essentially feel that you were, in a way, assaulted by having this surgery done on you against your consent). I think you need some guidance in how to address these feelings of being violated and feeling out of control. I have no experience in this area, so all I can do is just suggest you seek out these resources. I think it's great that you still have a cordial relationship with your surgeon, so you should try and use that to your advantage to get referrals for some mental health support to help you process your experience.

Carrie....I urge you to do some soul searching and try to find the real root of your problem.

I just can't help but have the feeling it's not really the surgery you're having a problem with. I think that's a scapegoat. I sense a resentment towards your husband and I'm wondering if that might be the real issue here.

I think maybe you should see a therapist...someone who can help you work through these feelings.

Please though, for the sake of your children who need their mommy...don't be afraid to eat. Please make sure you're staying nourished and healthy.

I wish you all the best.

Carrie,

I am so sorry you went through this. As someone who experienced something horrible pre-op I can tell you the PTSD is horrible and I still try to keep my thoughts away from that horrible day when I was given the wrong medication and stopped breathing.

I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the absolute love and support from my husband. Believe me my husband thought I was nuts to have this surgery and was in no way FOR IT, but he was FOR ME and in my corner so anything I want or need or if I just need to complain he supports me, even if i did it to MYSELF. I think right now that if you had the support and comfort you needed from those you love and that you give so much to you would be feeling a whole lot better. You may not be happy about having the sleeve after you expressed changing your mind in the OR but you would know that things will get better, they will return to a normalized state.... all that will be changing is the amount you eat. I am a month out I just ate a half a bean burrito from taco bell. I feel full and I feel like I ate something delicious. I don't want you to think that you will feel physically how you are feeling right now forever.

I hope you stay around and let us inspire and encourage you. I know that not everyone who goes through with this is going to be singing its praises ...especially straight off the bat but I am pretty sure that once you feel more like yourself again you wont resent it as much as you are now.

I feel it sounds like there are even bigger issues to be tackled within your support system and I wish you the best.

I am so sorry Carrie, I am not going to sit here and say I understand cause I don't. . . but your going through some really tough Sh__T. . . without taking offense, have you thought of maybe seeing someone professionally? It would be horrible if your marriage dissolved because of this. . . wow, you had surgery without consent? You can sue over that. . . well once again, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. . .

Carrie,

I am so sorry to read all that you have been going through. You have been very kind and encouraging to me and I had no idea what you were going through. Since the surgery is irreversible, I would encourage you to see a therapist as soon as possible. You have been through an awful lot and are dealing with some pretty complex issues. It would probably make sense to sort them through with a professional. In the end, hopefully you will be able to come to terms with all that has happened and become happy with the results of the surgery.

All the best,

Brian

Hi there Carrie. Well...honestly you say a lot that you had no choice, and I understood you felt that way b/c the band had to come out.

But feeling powerless is a horrible feeling, and it was obvious you were not at peace with your decision and felt pressured - mostly by needing the band out. You felt backed into a corner.

Psychologically, you may have unresolved trauma first from the band issues, and now from this situation.

It isn't your family's fault as far as I know. As adults we have to make our own decisions in life, but mentally we have to be able to cope with the aftermath without further traumatizing ourselves or our kids.

When I had this surgery I totally made my own decision, with my husband's support. I'm far too old to do something so major b/c my husband wanted me to, and I'm sure you feel the same.

BUT I did not get really well educated prior to surgery b/c I did it too quickly (I was a self pay). I truly did not know that 80-90% of my stomach was leaving me. Somehow I missed that percentage point. And honestly, I freaked out after surgery (no cops involved). I was not prepared and I guess somehow even though I read a lot I still didn't fully understand what decision I was making.

I describe it as a panic! I felt I couldn't eat and I panicked and even tried to eat things I should not eat. A couple times I slimed and once I literally choked trying to eat a cracker with hummus and the hummus was so thick that I wondered if I could breathe to live through it.

After that I had to get a grip, b/c the reality was it was DONE. I am a mature woman who has weathered a few storms, I know how to survive. So I just had to cope by calming myself (I call it hunkering down) and taking it moment by moment, day by day. Gradually I did feel better and came to peace with my decision. But I cried a lot the first 2 weeks.

I didn't want to get a leak b/c I was not eating right and coping well, because I read about people with leaks and it scared me so much. I couldn't let things get WORSE as I had no death wish.

And heh, it did get better and I did stop crying and I did come to peace with my decision to have this surgery. I do not have a lot of regrets at this point.

Still, its hard to believe this is for life that I eat small amounts. Sometimes I can eat more than others though. Sometimes I feel so terrific and sometimes not so good. I get more indigestion than I ever used to get even though I don't eat spicy food anymore. Easily cured by prilosec, but still it is annoying. Other than that, not a lot of complaints truly.

I think you are getting a lot of support here, and that you should stick it out with us b/c we can help you. But also it seems like you would benefit from some therapy. I do not know you, but it just sounds like Mommy is "not quite right" at the moment. For the benefit of your kids, I hope you will get some assistance in coping with your stress over the surgery.

Take care.

Thanks everyone.

Of course I continue to be stuck in the body I don't want as I have no other choice. Our relationship has improved as I no longer tell him anything. Nothing said equals no problem. So as long as I can keep a smile on my face all is well.

Yesterday we got what we were expecting, a job transfer from Texas to Washington State. So in 6 weeks I will be living in an apartment that I have yet to see in a new state I've only visited once. Our extended family will continue of course to live in Texas so we are on our own. I hope the sense of something new and adventure will keep me distracted from the reality of my situation and the body I do not want.

And LittleSteve please have the respect for yourself not to make yourself out to be an ass in front of everyone because that's exactly how you are coming across.