My SIL decided a couple of months ago that she could not care for her 9 month old daughter. She decided to allow her cousin to take custody. The cousin is married and they have been trying to get pregnant and adopt a child for years. They had been able to obtain a baby for adoption at one point. The went through the WHOLE pregnancy, paid the attorney $5000 to arrange the legal work, were present for the delivery, took the baby home from the hospital, and had her home for one day when the mother knocked on the door with police officers telling them that she changed her mind. They had no choice but the hand the baby over. They were so devastated.

JUMP TO PRESENT DAY--The cousin mailed the court documents to me, and I was going to help her get the papers signed by my SIL. (they live 150+ miles from each other and I am halfway between) I called SIL and she has decided that she changed her mind. There is a lot of history behind my SIL and her parenting skills. She cannot keep a job or provide housing. She tested positive for THC when she delivered the baby...prematurely. The baby has some health problems...nothing severe, but she should be monitored regularly. I suspect that SIL had not been taking her for immunizations, check ups, etc. while she had her. I think she may still be dabbling in drug use. While I have no concrete evidence that she is an unfit parent, I strongly suspect that she would be considered unfit by professionals.

My concern...SIL called two months ago and told me that she could not care for the baby. She told me to come get her TODAY. I repeatedly asked her if she was sure and she reassured me that she was, and stated that she could not provide for the baby. She asked me to come get the baby and take her to the cousin. She had written out a statement that she was handing over legal guardianship of the baby to the cousin, and that she intends to allow the adoption. This wasn't notarized or anything, just a statement on notebook paper. I guess she did it to reassure the cousin that she was serious about this matter. (father unknown)

Is there any recourse for these cousins? I love my SIL, but understand, I feel this is wrong, not only for the cousin, but for the baby. SIL already admitted that she cannot care for the child, and SIL still has no job. She is currently living a nomadic lifestyle, staying wherever she can from night to night. Can the cousin's seek legal action indicating that the baby would be in danger going back to my SIL? If they did that, would they be allowed to keep the baby? Would the baby go to foster care? Is what SIL did two months ago considered abandonment?

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE???

bumping...for the evening crowd's advice

I did foster care for several years and have two adopted children from two different families. One of my adopted children was a premie and also born drug addicted. Her birth mother was even high the day she gave birth to her. My "adopted" daughter was not breathing when she was born and she was put on oxygen therapy, phenobarbital and remained in the hospital for 2 1/2 months. Her birth father never visited and the hospital records said her birth mom visited only a couple of times. To make an extremely long and sad story short, my point is even after all of that and a 51A being filed on the birth family from the hospital. When the department of social services came out to investigate they allowed the baby to go home with drug addicted parents. The baby had alot of problems and needed visiting nurses, early intervention and medication, etc. Well not even 30 days later she was removed from the birth family, they had the police called on them because of a domestic disturbance (stabbing) over drugs. My point is even though the baby would be better off with your cousin,The system can tend to be messed up. I have a friend who has 2 of her cousins children ( same thing drugs) they signed custody in court over 2 1/2 yrs ago, the birth mother wants her kids back and if she plays her cards right she might really end up with them. It's really sad, the youngest of the boys is 3 he wouldn't even know his birth mother is she was in the same room with him. Since doing foster care I have huge issue with how long birth parents are given to straighten out. I had kids placed with me who had been in care for more than 10 yrs. These kids going from home to home. Their parents still not clean, but having weekly visits with their kids and they still refuse to sign over their parental rights. It's crazy, these kids dont even get the chance to have a permanent family to love, trust or call their own. Instead they grow up a child in the system. Most wont be adopted either because now they are older and everyone wants the younger kids or the babies. I know the ideal is for birth parents to be with their children (in a perfect world) and as parents we think I would never sign my rights over, we would fight to the end to keep our children. Well when you have a parent suffering from drug addiction, especially when the addiction is so bad they couldn't even stop for the baby growing inside them and this has caused damage to that baby then someone has to step up for these kids, They did not ask for this. I think it is a wonderful thing that your cousin is willing to take someone elses baby in as their own and is willing to put all the time and effort into a baby born drug addicted. Believe me it is work, work you love doing. So don't get down when someone sides with the birth parents and thinks being reunited is the answer. Alot of people are lucky and have not been in our shoes. When you love a child that a drug addiction has effected and may have even permanately damaged and not until then, can you understand why being reunited with birth parents is not always the answer.

The SIL doesn't really want the baby, she needs the baby to access the Social Services System (food stamps, food, housing, vouchers, etc.) If the cousin wants to keep the baby she will need to keep money/luxuries (cigarettes, candy, etc) in the SIL's hands until she has legal custody. The child is simply a ticket for the SIL. The SIL will make demands for the child as long as the child is her ticket to free stuff...particularly stuff she can sell.

I pray that the interest of the child is served in this case. Sometimes it is hard to admit what is best. Let's hope the SIL can come to grips that the innocent child's life will be affected.

pier13-thanks for the words of encouragement. i held on to every word you typed.

lisa-you may be very right. i guess we will see what tomorrow holds.

i am still wandering if abandonment is an issue. she has changed her mind, yet she has made no effort to go get the child. i am not even sure that she has called the cousin to tell her that she is not signing the papers.

I am neither surprised nor impressed by the fact that druggie, irresponsible parents love their children. Most parents love their children. Love, by itself, just isn't enough. I'm sorry, but that's the cold, hard truth.

I am neither surprised nor impressed by the fact that druggie, irresponsible parents love their children. Most parents love their children. Love, by itself, just isn't enough. I'm sorry, but that's the cold, hard truth.

Geeezzz.. A little harsh there Carlene.. My statement wasnt meant to impress you or anyone else. It was simply a very sad fact. Lets not lose sight of the fact that the "druggie, irresponsible parent" is a person to who is suffering from an illness. Addictions ARE illnesses. They may start out as poor choices and irresponsibility but when the addiction takes over it becomes an illness. Without the drug she will be sick. Her body requires it to function. And there is also the emotional side. Most addicts are feeding their addiction to stuff down bad feelings, anxieties, and fears. I fell sorry for this poor woman. Im sure she hates herself most days. Im sure she knows very well how she is affecting her children. But it is not that simple to just stop using. She needs help. God Bless her. I am an addict too. My drug of choice is food. I am so addicted that I chose to risk my life and alter my body to try to stop. I use food to soothe the bad feelings I have. Now that I cant eat so much I have anxieties that are with me always. I pray I am strong enough to stay away from my drug. I will be that last person to cast stones at that poor woman.

Kathy

carlene and kathy

i feel both of you with my heart. kathy, i did not see what carlene said as a direct attack on SIL. She is right...love is not enough.

and i am very sad for my SIL. i am not sure that her problem rises to the level of addiction, but it is a problem. I do not know how extensive the problem is at this time. i want to help her, but i no longer know what to do to help her. i think that to send the baby back to her now is NOT in the best interest of the baby. i have no idea if she should EVER go back. I just don't know if SIL will ever be fit.

BUT--she has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO DISRUPT EVERYONE'S LIVES, INCLUDING THE BABY'S.

off the soap box...

NO FLAMING IN HERE PLEASE. THIS TOPIC IS TOO SENSITIVE TO ME.

Sorry if my comments seemed harsh to you (or anyone else). I am the adult child of an alcoholic father - a father who loved me, but not enough to stop drinking.

My dad's addiction/sickness impacted my life from the day I was born until the day he died. I did feel sorry for him, and I do feel sorry for Mini Me's SIL, but not at the expense of an innocent child.

I say again....love is a wonderous thing, but it isn't enough. You can't eat love...you can't wear it, or live in it, or light the dark corners with it. You can't wrap yourself in a shield of love, so that when the other kids make fun of you, you don't feel it. It takes more than love to raise a child, and if you love them enough, you will do what's best for your baby - even if it breaks your own heart.

Mini Me -- one thing your cousins could do is become foster parents for the baby -- often that is arranged through DCFS and then if/when they want to - they can adopt the baby. It is definitely worth them going to an attorney AND through the attorney - to DCFS. Also - they can always make a call to DCFS and give them a 'for instance' scenario so they know what should be done - what steps to take. Hope it all works out.

Get an attorney. You'd be suprised, how easy is is to transfer permanent guardianship over to a family (your cousin). Especially, with parental consent. Then they can pursue adoption. In the adoption process, usually a social worker is involved. Either way, you'll need an attorney.

I've been through this w/a family friend. Good luck. Shawn

RE: She tested positive for THC when she delivered the baby...prematurely.

RIGHT THERE WA STATE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE BABY AWAY ASAP!!! I HAVE A FRIEND THAT FOSTERS DRUG BABYS. THEY GO FROM THE HOSPITAL RIGHT TO HER HOME.

RE: She had written out a statement that she was handing over legal guardianship of the baby to the cousin, and that she intends to allow the adoption.

DID SHE ACTUALLY WRITE "INTENDS"?

MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU THIS EVENING

My thoughts are you with you and the baby. I hope things work out for the best.

Im waiting to hear what the cousin's attorney will say.

Very concerned about this...

God bless this entire situation.

This has been on my heart all day. I don't have the knowledge to offer advice, but babies pull at my heart strings. Emotions are high for everyone right now and I'm praying for all of you involved. I also pray the the needs of the baby are put BEFORE the physical or emotional needs of ANY of the adults involved. This child is innocent and deserves the very best life has to offer her. Please keep us posted.

I've seen cries for help before with women saying outright they can't take care of a baby. They aren't kidding. They truly can't. This is often where shaken baby syndrome originates, because a parent just can't cope for many reasons. One of these reasons could be post-partum depression. Don't put off getting involved when there is a small baby that can't speak for itself. You would never forgive yourself for it if anything happened. Speak up and call Child Protective Services. You will be doing the SIL and this baby a huge favor.

God Bless,

Dody