Guys I have some kind of strange thinking going on. I wanted to see if anyone else felt this way. I am on full liquids/mushies hybrid thing now after a long bout of clears. My doctor wanted me to ease into mushies from full liquids because I spent too long on clears (long story, not my fault). My diet is still mostly liquids because of a few reasons. Unless it is really mushed, like baby food, it causes the dreaded esophagus or stomach cramps. I am not sure which. It does not matter how much I chew either. It has to be pureed or pain will soon follow.

So the strange thinking? I am afraid to eat sometimes, like seriously afraid. I forget to eat which I know is common after surgery but sometimes I get major anxiety about eating, even drinking my shakes. I look at the calories and think ?I could just skip this and lose more weight?. My husband is worried enough he had a talk with me last night about just how many calories I am actually getting. I woke up yet again yesterday with the shakes and he took my blood sugar (he is diabetic not me) and it was 51:001_unsure:. I think this is what triggered the ?talk?. My calories each day? About 350 ? 400. I don?t think that is bad. My doctor just said stay under 800. I don?t feel tired but I am foggy sometimes. I forget stuff all the time now though.

I guess my point in this ramble is: Is anyone afraid of eating now? Like the inner skinny person is admonishing you for eating anything? I always would get angry at myself when I would eat before surgery because I made such bad choices. Sometimes I would tell myself how fat and ugly I was. Now I can go without eating and I feel like I should to make up for all the bad eating. I am scared if I eat too many more calories (like 600 to 800) I might stop losing. I have been on this full liquids/mushies hybrid thing for 1 week and only lost 2 lbs so I am scared to get on the scale again. I feel like for the first time in my life I am in control of my eating and I don?t want to give in to any eating or I might lose that control again. I wanted the tight reign on my stomach and I got it but now my husband (and coworkers) are hassling me that I am not eating enough. I am still 57 lbs overweight. How could I not be eating enough? I wish people would get out of my business and stop obsessing about what I am putting in my mouth. I leave a shake box on my desk now so they think I am drinking my shakes. Ugh.

What do you all think? Am I just a mess or? Be brutally honest.

Knowledge is power :svengo:

SoCal - take care of yourself and be sure to stay hydrated!

HA! So funny you said this if you saw my other thread. I should be listening to all the old timers here. You guys are pros. All the newbies. Listen to the old timers. They have wisdom beyond what they realize.

Anyway. I now get to go to my therapist every week for awhile. She feels I am in danger of developing anorexia if I continue down this path. I have done a lot of soul searching and realized this crazy thinking is a direct result of feeling so out of control in so many areas of my life over the years. Mainly eating and my train wreck relationships.

Please be honest with yourself about your food issues. I see so many people (mostly other boards) who are in denial about their food issues. Most people would not be overweight if we did not use food as a drug. I need to learn to have a healthy relationship with food. This surgery will make me healthier and help my self esteem but it will NOT fix my underlying emotional problems that I can not ignore any longer.

I have never regretted this surgery. This is just one step in begining to love myself again and believe I am worth taking care of.

My assignment this week is to write an obituary to the hunger monster. You know that orange guy that sits in the back seat in that commercial? Well he is dead. There is no reason to punish myself for previous eating. Maybe I will post it here. Dunno. Might be too dumb :lol0: to share. Wonder what my therapist will have in store for me this next week? :001_unsure:

As always you guys are awesome. Love ya all. :scared0:

SoCal - I did read your other post - before this one. Guess my words had more meaning that I thought - a little late though!

If you want to post your obituary to hunger, then do so - no one is going to think it's stupid and it may help others who are experiencing what you are going through and can't afford counseling.

Do what YOU want to do - that's what this forum is here for!

So my homework was to talk about hunger mosnter. Here it is in all the glory. I can't believe I am posting this.

Hunger Monster

Originally I blamed hunger monster for overeating. He was more of an enabler than a monster. I realized after he was taken out during surgery that there was a real monster in the room that has not been removed by surgery. My own self destructive behavior. Hunger monster was really the scapegoat and did the bidding for destructive monster. Unfortunately destructive monster is not dead. He is stubborn and hides. He pops up at bad times and causes my thought patterns to be destructive, like not sticking to my diet plan after surgery and starving myself. He does not want me to abuse others. Only myself. He tells me how I don?t matter so it is ok. If I was just skinnier, or just prettier, or just smarter, or just not such a screw up, or??

Rarely in my life have I felt loved. I think this is why destructive monster lives with me. My father committed suicide when I was 9. I have always felt he did not love me enough to stay and be a father. I often think of the desperation he felt in his final hours and minutes. What a terrible place to be. My mother while a wonderful person has mental issues. She is a fantastic, caring, good, on top of her game nurse but her personal life is a disaster. She wandered in and out of my life as a child. I always felt abandoned by both parents. She didn?t even take me after my dad died because of her issues. The person who did take me in after he died was mentally and physically abusive. The man I met as a teenager and later married was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I guess I stayed because I didn?t realize it was abuse and did not value myself enough to stand up for myself. I left one day with a restraining order and what I could fit in my car. At 28 my entire life could be summed up to what fit into a compact car. How said is that? I felt like a total failure and many times still do. Destructive monster was in full control the first year I left my ex in so many ways. All of my romantic relationships, except my current wonderful loving marriage, have been abusive. The only reason my current relationship is not a mess is because my wonderful husband won?t let it be. He never gives up on me. He always stands by me. He really loves me. Sometimes I feel like he is the only one in my life that has really loved me.

While surgery removed hunger monster I need to deal with destructive monster on my own. No surgery will fix him. I just have to learn to love myself so there is no room for him anymore.

I tell other women to love themselves. I tell them they are worth not being abused. I encourage them to get help and leave. Now if I could just stop abusing myself maybe I could break the full cycle, not just a small part of it. See all those years I took abuse there were two people abusing me: my spouse and myself.

sign me up for the cruise. It needs to be next fall though, I won't be thin enough until then. Seriously, you should get some meds for the anxiety . It is just temporary and sounds like you need some help. Age is a factor. When I was younger, I had no fear and could NOT understand people who did. Now I am older and much wiser about all the issues one can have. It does alter your thinking. Go see a therapist and get some help you are not a wimp or weak or any of thoes negative terms. You did a very brave thing for yourself. get that chin up and give yourself a hug. You deserve it. I am behind you 100%

So my homework was to talk about hunger mosnter. Here it is in all the glory. I can't believe I am posting this.

Hunger Monster

Originally I blamed hunger monster for overeating. He was more of an enabler than a monster. I realized after he was taken out during surgery that there was a real monster in the room that has not been removed by surgery. My own self destructive behavior. Hunger monster was really the scapegoat and did the bidding for destructive monster. Unfortunately destructive monster is not dead. He is stubborn and hides. He pops up at bad times and causes my thought patterns to be destructive, like not sticking to my diet plan after surgery and starving myself. He does not want me to abuse others. Only myself. He tells me how I don?t matter so it is ok. If I was just skinnier, or just prettier, or just smarter, or just not such a screw up, or??

Rarely in my life have I felt loved. I think this is why destructive monster lives with me. My father committed suicide when I was 9. I have always felt he did not love me enough to stay and be a father. I often think of the desperation he felt in his final hours and minutes. What a terrible place to be. My mother while a wonderful person has mental issues. She is a fantastic, caring, good, on top of her game nurse but her personal life is a disaster. She wandered in and out of my life as a child. I always felt abandoned by both parents. She didn?t even take me after my dad died because of her issues. The person who did take me in after he died was mentally and physically abusive. The man I met as a teenager and later married was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I guess I stayed because I didn?t realize it was abuse and did not value myself enough to stand up for myself. I left one day with a restraining order and what I could fit in my car. At 28 my entire life could be summed up to what fit into a compact car. How said is that? I felt like a total failure and many times still do. Destructive monster was in full control the first year I left my ex in so many ways. All of my romantic relationships, except my current wonderful loving marriage, have been abusive. The only reason my current relationship is not a mess is because my wonderful husband won?t let it be. He never gives up on me. He always stands by me. He really loves me. Sometimes I feel like he is the only one in my life that has really loved me.

While surgery removed hunger monster I need to deal with destructive monster on my own. No surgery will fix him. I just have to learn to love myself so there is no room for him anymore.

I tell other women to love themselves. I tell them they are worth not being abused. I encourage them to get help and leave. Now if I could just stop abusing myself maybe I could break the full cycle, not just a small part of it. See all those years I took abuse there were two people abusing me: my spouse and myself.

Socal, my heart tugged at your story. . .that destructive monster needs to go my friend. . it lived in me for a long time when I was younger. . .it was terrible it made me feel exactly the same way it made you feel. . .but one day i couldn't do it anymore and made a pack with myself to kill that damn monster and I did, I killed it . . .there are days that it tries to surface but I don't let it. I feel so badly for those who are riddled with this evil demon, I can completely relate to the tears that flow, the pain that accompanies it, the feelings of worthlessness. God bless you and all those like us, but together we can overcome and live the lives we deserve, we are all important, we are all people who deserve love, dignity, and respect, we are women and we will prevail. . . Without us there would be no one. Be strong my friend, be strong!