I feel like I should post this here because I don't think there's a topic elsewhere where I can get something off of my chest. I met my wife in 2005 (spring) and we got married in 2008. We had a fairly active sex life amazingly until we got engaged and married. After we got married the sex went to a standstill. My wife had a back injury in 2004, but that didn't prevent her and I from having a healthy sex life through 2008. We didn't have sex between October 2008 through August 2009. In July 2009 she had surgery on her back and a month later we decided we would have a kid and she agreed that it probably would like a few months a week before she got pregnant and she agreed we would have to be more active sexually.

Believe it or not she got pregnant after we had sex once. So she was pregnant and we didn't have sex for the next 10 months or so, and then she had our son and after healing from giving birth to our son she then didn't want to have sex because she didn't feel sexy (no matter what i did, or said, it didnt matter). Now fast forward to Fall 2011 and she got the lapband but still doesn't feel sexy and has told me that she just needs to lose more weight so she can feel better about herself.

I'm getting banded June of 2012. I will lose 100-110 lbs and I will weigh around 155-165. For some reason I have a feeling that even at the point a year down the line or so, she would have lost at least 100 lbs, I think she will then say that all the excess skin makes her feel unsexy and we still won't have a sex life....

I simply don't know what to do about this. She was overweight when I met her, when we got married and when she had our son. I loved her then and i do now. I tell her regularly through way beyond words. I'm not at the end of my rope. I just don't know what to do.

If you think she would be open to the idea you may want to try some counseling (together). With that said, it is very difficult for couples to jump right back into intimacy after it has been lacking. There are several things that can help. One technique is to take things really slow. Think of it as rewinding and starting over in the sexual department. Okay she does't feel comfortable having sex, so how about holding hands, kissing, cuddling and as those things become comfortable again and the intimacy returns to the relationship, sex will be a natural byproduct. I know that seems like a lot of work and it is not a magical quick fix but, you have been waiting a long time as it is and backing up and taking things slowly may be just what she needs. Good luck!

We do hold hands from time to time....she's had quite an attitude as of late ... and she's apologized at times...and relates it to work stress and the fact that she isn't happy with the weight she's lost.

But we do hold hands and I guess you could say we cuddle at night...but the intimacy level were at when we met prior to getting married a few years ago is gone....

Speaking for myself, when I got the lapband I thought I knew what was going to happen, how I was going to feel, but right now being banded, 16 weeks, my minds is still unsure, its a clash, our fantasy meeting reality and there's areas that are not meshing.

My hubby and I bless him, communicate very well, right now we don't seem to be in sync moodwise, but its ok. Marriage is not based soley on sex, its based on the love you have for the person you chose to call your partner for life. We make each other laugh, n smile, we can sit in silence and not feel we have to fill in the silence. and we're ok with that too. If I never had sex again, we would be fine, because my husband is my friend as well,anyways

I agree , counseling, single and as a couple seems to be needed. Good luck!

Sorry i really really Hate to say it but I think she is cheating and u should get a DNA test on the child .that's just way too weird to me.:-/

Sorry i really really Hate to say it but I think she is cheating and u should get a DNA test on the child .that's just way too weird to me.:-/

Wow. I am sorry. But that is borderline out of line. Every relationship is different. Just because she is not sexually active on a regular basis does not automatically mean she is cheating. And to suggest he needs a DNA test on his son. Harsh.

To the OP. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we are working on rekindling our romance. It has been up and down. Sometimes we have long lulls. We both have confidence issues, I won't go into it here, but I do want you to know that you are not alone.

Maybe counseling will help? It helped us. Also, it is hard to "start over". Once you get in a rut, it is hard to get out. I saw a program on TV where couples committed to having sex everyday for a week to jump start their sex life. Maybe you guys could try something like that?

Good luck. Communication is key. You guys need to have an open dialogue.

Wow. I am sorry. But that is borderline out of line. Every relationship is different. Just because she is not sexually active on a regular basis does not automatically mean she is cheating. And to suggest he needs a DNA test on his son. Harsh.

To the OP. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we are working on rekindling our romance. It has been up and down. Sometimes we have long lulls. We both have confidence issues' date=' I won't go into it here, but I do want you to know that you are not alone.

Maybe counseling will help? It helped us. Also, it is hard to "start over". Once you get in a rut, it is hard to get out. I saw a program on TV where couples committed to having sex everyday for a week to jump start their sex life. Maybe you guys could try something like that?

Good luck. Communication is key. You guys need to have an open dialogue.[/quote']

That's my opinion.that's exactly what I think.he put his question on a public forum asking for the publics opinions I consider myself the public and I gave my opinion.this is the place for that right?to me that is strange not to have sex at all especially as newlyweds.and the story is inconsistent which is indicative of cheating.She had sex overweight.now she doesnt want to have sex even though she is smaller now.hmmm then she has sex once (I know it's possible) gets pregnant and never again has sex.......right ?!?So again he asked for opinions and I think She cheating.right, wrong ,out of line, that's my

opinion that he asked for.

I have suffered from a loss of libido and not feeling sexy in myself for a long time now and believe me, there's NOTHING you can do or say that will make her feel otherwise.

For me, I started on testosterone treatment and that has made a huge difference to how I feel about sex, my libido came back. The rest was just time, after being treatment for rectal cancer and having an ileostomy for nine months, believe me, I was completely off sex. My hubby insisted he didn't even see my bag, but for pete's sake, I had a bag of **** hanging off my stomach. I was sick, worn out and worried. Sex was the last thing on my mind. Then followed menopause, depression, the works.

Women's libidos are very complex, we couldn't be more different from men. Not wanting sex does not mean that you don't love your partner or are cheating. Some women are lucky, they have a strong sex drive and a good ability for sexual response, others of us are not so simply wired. Your wife may feel a lot more upset and confused about this than you realize - often it appears to the partner "oh, she just doesn't want it/me" and they don't see that the woman is not even sure WHY she is unresponsive, she's upset that she's unresponsive, she even knows she could just do it and pretend and make her partner happy but she just can't bring herself to.

And when you're in that situation, as a woman, you fear showing any affection at all because it may be misinterpreted as a desire for sex.

I'd be sure your wife is really OK. Could she be suffering from depression or any other mood disorder? Even just stress can make a huge dent in our libidos.

Its going to take something like counseling and she really should get her hormone levels checked.

Bigenuf... R u married ? If so for how long? There is a commitment that is a bond between two people that goes way beyong the bedroom cool granny summed it up nicely. Also though what if because of meds an accident or some kind of imbalnce you were unable or uninterested in sex would you want your spouce to assume you were cheating.

Sometimes its different when the shoe is on the other foot

To OP please try to hang in there like you have been. Sex changes with live changes with age an circumstances. My dh an i used to fuss over this very topic because i became uninterested for years only performing out of obligation which was no better. AND NO I WAS NOT CHEATING I wasnt just interested. Open communication an patience has helped in the end

It is a good sign that you guys are still holding hands and cuddling at times. Are you guys going to bed at the same time? Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Couples who have a TV in their bedroom have 50% less sex than couples who do not. I guess what I am getting at is do you guys go to bed early enough to have genuine interaction or are you doing other things until you are exhausted and want to get in the bed to sleep. Try setting aside time in the late evening to go in the bedroom together and lay together, cuddle, kiss etc.. Start small and slow, just set aside one night a week at first for 15 minutes or so.

Also, I would not assume that she is cheating, it is very easy to slowly drift apart sexually in a marriage. That does not mean she is cheating. In regards to you child, my first child was a birth control baby. My husband and I had only been married six months when I got pregnant and I found out then that I got pregnant very easily, as I was just switching from one type of birth control to another and the OBGYN told me I would be protected from pregnancy. Some people just get pregnant quickly, that is no reason to doubt paternity.

Best of luck to you and I would definitely try counseling if that is something she is willing to do.

I understand completely. And am so sorry you're going through this.

My husband and I have been up and down as well. We love being intimate, but it's just plain uncomfortable sometimes. Big bodies get in the way, we run out of energy, don't feel sexy - you name it. We were both overweight before we got married but have steadily gained throughout our relationship. Even though we were big when we were overly sexually-active, being bigger now makes it difficult.

Communication is VERY important. Body language communication too. I'd be having a fat-depressing-unsexy day - all it takes is for my husband to put his hand on the small of my back for me to feel like the sexiest, most beautiful woman EVER. So other than counseling, I'd recommend finding out what makes her feel sexy. Small touches and making out (without leading to sex, just making out) are what do it for me. What does it for her?

I'm sure you know that. But I was sure my husband did too. When I verbally told him what I needed, our intimacy level exploded. So, hope it helps.

I know this must be a very flustrating time for you guys. Sounds a lot like my husband and I. And NO I wasn't cheating on him!! We actually started dating at 14, married at 18 and will be celebrating our 22 anniversary this fall. I know there were definately periods of time during our marriage where I just wasn't there for him. Sex was the absolute furthest thing from my mind. And it was the #1 thought in his mind. It was very hard to work, raise children, maintain a house AND put out at night. He was so patient with me. He is in the military so it was hard to be away from him for months at a time and then suddenly be connected when he returned. I was under so much pressure to handle everything when he was gone. I know its probably not the exactly the same in your family, but is she under a lot of stress? I think you could definately benefit from some councelling.....I will be glad to share with you what was the changing point in our relationship if you like...I just didn't want to put it out here for all to see. Just inbox me. --just know that there is hope....Me and my husband are more connected now than we have ever been.

Sorry i really really Hate to say it but I think she is cheating and u should get a DNA test on the child .that's just way too weird to me.:-/

LOL...naah he's 100% mine and she isn't cheating on me...that much I know.

Thanks for the responses everyone! I appreciate them!

Bigenuf... R u married ? If so for how long? There is a commitment that is a bond between two people that goes way beyong the bedroom cool granny summed it up nicely. Also though what if because of meds an accident or some kind of imbalnce you were unable or uninterested in sex would you want your spouce to assume you were cheating.

Sometimes its different when the shoe is on the other foot

To OP please try to hang in there like you have been. Sex changes with live changes with age an circumstances. My dh an i used to fuss over this very topic because i became uninterested for years only performing out of obligation which was no better. AND NO I WAS NOT CHEATING I wasnt just interested. Open communication an patience has helped in the end

1.this is not about my marriage or my sex life.I didn't ask for advice.

2.he didn't say there were meds,accident or imbalance,he said they had great sex even with her pre existing back condition.and from what I can tell they got married and then had sex ONCE in 4 yrs.

3. Everybody seems to understand what she is going through but how does this affect him? What is he going through by not being able to make love to his wife?does anybody really think about what that does to ur husband to not have sex for moths or YEARS?!?

I think it's disrespectful to ur husband and to the marriage to make that decision.I do know that u may not want to do it every day ,or every week or even every month.but one time in 4 yrs is just wrong to me.Can he at least get dome seasonally I'm mean come on really ??

I Agee that there should be some counseling and communication to get to the bottom of whatever it is but that is not right and needs to change.

LOL...naah he's 100% mine and she isn't cheating on me...that much I know.

Great !! :-)