I feel like I should post this here because I don't think there's a topic elsewhere where I can get something off of my chest. I met my wife in 2005 (spring) and we got married in 2008. We had a fairly active sex life amazingly until we got engaged and married. After we got married the sex went to a standstill. My wife had a back injury in 2004, but that didn't prevent her and I from having a healthy sex life through 2008. We didn't have sex between October 2008 through August 2009. In July 2009 she had surgery on her back and a month later we decided we would have a kid and she agreed that it probably would like a few months a week before she got pregnant and she agreed we would have to be more active sexually.

Believe it or not she got pregnant after we had sex once. So she was pregnant and we didn't have sex for the next 10 months or so, and then she had our son and after healing from giving birth to our son she then didn't want to have sex because she didn't feel sexy (no matter what i did, or said, it didnt matter). Now fast forward to Fall 2011 and she got the lapband but still doesn't feel sexy and has told me that she just needs to lose more weight so she can feel better about herself.

I'm getting banded June of 2012. I will lose 100-110 lbs and I will weigh around 155-165. For some reason I have a feeling that even at the point a year down the line or so, she would have lost at least 100 lbs, I think she will then say that all the excess skin makes her feel unsexy and we still won't have a sex life....

I simply don't know what to do about this. She was overweight when I met her, when we got married and when she had our son. I loved her then and i do now. I tell her regularly through way beyond words. I'm not at the end of my rope. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry i really really Hate to say it but I think she is cheating and u should get a DNA test on the child .that's just way too weird to me.:-/

Really? God. You must of been cheated on in the past to assume that right out of the gate.

Anyways. From a women's point of view and my own personal experience if she doesn't feel comfortable it's not gonna happen. My poor husband has tried everything to make me feel beautiful but i don't feel that way. So my sex drive is gone. I was banded a month ago and i can also say there are a lot of emotions that go into it. Your whole life is changed in one day. It cab be a lot on anyone. I'm hoping to get back in sync with myself and my wants & needs before my dh comes home in July. None the less, keep the communication open, continue being a good husband and maybe consider some therapy together. Good luck

I know this must be a very flustrating time for you guys. Sounds a lot like my husband and I. And NO I wasn't cheating on him!! We actually started dating at 14' date=' married at 18 and will be celebrating our 22 anniversary this fall. I know there were definately periods of time during our marriage where I just wasn't there for him. Sex was the absolute furthest thing from my mind. And it was the #1 thought in his mind. It was very hard to work, raise children, maintain a house AND put out at night. He was so patient with me. He is in the military so it was hard to be away from him for months at a time and then suddenly be connected when he returned. I was under so much pressure to handle everything when he was gone. I know its probably not the exactly the same in your family, but is she under a lot of stress? I think you could definately benefit from some councelling.....I will be glad to share with you what was the changing point in our relationship if you like...I just didn't want to put it out here for all to see. Just inbox me. --just know that there is hope....Me and my husband are more connected now than we have ever been.[/quote']

I agree! My dh has been AD for 11 years and as often as he is away, it is hard to jump back in. It is not like the movies make it out to be! Lol!

Really? God. You must of been cheated on in the past to assume that right out of the gate.

Anyways. From a women's point of view and my own personal experience if she doesn't feel comfortable it's not gonna happen. My poor husband has tried everything to make me feel beautiful but i don't feel that way. So my sex drive is gone. I was banded a month ago and i can also say there are a lot of emotions that go into it. Your whole life is changed in one day. It cab be a lot on anyone. I'm hoping to get back in sync with myself and my wants & needs before my dh comes home in July. None the less' date=' keep the communication open, continue being a good husband and maybe consider some therapy together. Good luck[/quote']

Nope ! Just seems really odd for a newly wed couple to have sex once in 4 yrs.everyone has their opinion and so do I.people have a lot to say about not feeling sexy or beautiful but no one has admitted to having sex one time in 4 yrs.with their husband.that's not natural.and as I said earlier its disrespectful to ur husband and marriage.

Nope ! Just seems really odd for a newly wed couple to have sex once in 4 yrs.everyone has their opinion and so do I.people have a lot to say about not feeling sexy or beautiful but no one has admitted to having sex one time in 4 yrs.with their husband.that's not natural.and as I said earlier its disrespectful to ur husband and marriage.

Well i don't know if i would call it disrespectful to not do something i didn't want to do. 4 years is not newlyweds. Do they need to work on it? Of course but everyone has things they need to work on in their relationships. Does not mean cheating!

Also, you said since the baby? Pregnancy can mess with hormones. That might be another thing she could consider getting checked out.

Well i don't know if i would call it disrespectful to not do something i didn't want to do. 4 years is not newlyweds. Do they need to work on it? Of course but everyone has things they need to work on in their relationships. Does not mean cheating!

Also' date=' you said since the baby? Pregnancy can mess with hormones. That might be another thing she could consider getting checked out.[/quote']

My personal opinion is that it's is disrespectful to ur husband if he is asking for months and years.and it is dishonorable to ur marriage.I understand a bad day,a bad week,a bad month but 2 ,3,4 yrs .it's wrong and actually in MY OPINION is in itself a form of cheating.

Also she stopped having sex as soon as she married him which was a year BEFORE she got pregnant .

Id say no man TRULY wants his wife or partner to just fake enjoying sex either. Mercy sex is normal once in a while but just putting out out of a sense of duty (which is what you seem to b suggesting Bigenuf) is not going to solve anything, its just hiding the problem. I agree that its not norml to never feel any desire for your partner in the absence of any other problms but there cn be real, treatable physical and psychological reasons for that not just cheating or reationship problems. For example, the difference tha HRT and testosterone have made to me is profound. Pressure or distrust are likely do more harm than lack of sex!

Id say no man TRULY wants his wife or partner to just fake enjoying sex either. Mercy sex is normal once in a while but just putting out out of a sense of duty (which is what you seem to b suggesting Bigenuf) is not going to solve anything' date=' its just hiding the problem. I agree that its not norml to never feel any desire for your partner in the absence of any other problms but there cn be real, treatable physical and psychological reasons for that not just cheating or reationship problems. For example, the difference tha HRT and testosterone have made to me is profound. Pressure or distrust are likely do more harm than lack of sex![/quote']

WOW !! This post has become

More about me than the original poster.

1. I'm not suggesting anything.I gave my opinion given the information I was given I believed that difa's wife was indeed enjoying sex just not with him.

2.all these people started posting how this is normal to not have sex for years in a marriage and gave examples supporting that fact.

3. I think that it is not normal.Although I agree that mercy sex occasionally is a given.and maintain my position that the long term denial is disrespectful to the man and the marriage.but the point is that it's NOT normal and people should seek professional help to figure it put instead of making it seem normal.

4.So I'm done here. I am headed back to the other side for wt loss stories and band eating advice.Good luck to everyone on your Wt loss journey !

I think going to talk with a professional would be worth it. They may have some very good ideas that will make things better for both husband and wife. Kuddos to you for staying with the relationship. Many men would have strayed by now. There are so many things that make a good relationship that do not have anything to do with sex, but you two do need to have a sexlife while you can. There may be a couple very simple things that will get things in a better place for both of you....... go see someone who can help.

You guys are killing the whole reason for this site!!! We're all here to support each other. Chill out a little.

The cheating comment may have been out of line, but who doesn't have that one frind that is open and blunt about their opinions?? I have two! She spoke her mind. Leave her alone already.

And the OP already addressed the comment. It was made to him and it didn't bother him bc he knows the truth and is secure in his marriage even with their issues. That's what's important.

You guys are killing the whole reason for this site!!! We're all here to support each other. Chill out a little.

The cheating comment may have been out of line' date=' but who doesn't have that one frind that is open and blunt about their opinions?? I have two! She spoke her mind. Leave her alone already.

And the OP already addressed the comment. It was made to him and it didn't bother him bc he knows the truth and is secure in his marriage even with their issues. That's what's important.[/quote']

What are we killing exactly? She keeps responding so, so do we. Simple. I'm sure she's a big girl and seems to stand up for herself just fine.

To the OP- I realize I joined the party a bit late but I'm going to toss in my two cents anyhow :-)

I can seriously relate to your wife and the whole situation. My boyfriend and I live together, have for several months. He is amazing and I love him dearly. However I am generally disinterested in sex. I have been on an anti depressant for the last few years and I'm wondering if it plays a role.

Another part is, because of my weight I feel so incredibly unattractive. My bf is SO sweet and goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful and while I appreciate it, it still doesn't help much with my desire in the bedroom.

Kudos to you (and my guy <3) for being so patient and understanding. I hope you all rekindle the romance soon!

Maybe it hurts her or something. I have a friend that said it hurt for years while having sex but never told her husband. She finally went to the doctor and found out she had a fibroid. She didn't want him to leave her or cheat on her so she kept it a secret. I would have never went that long without getting checked out but everyone is different. She was scared she had cancer and didn't want to go to the doctor to get the bad news. She didn't even have cancer so she waited for nothing and had painful sex for about 2 years. I'm sure it could be a hundred reason's why she doesn't want to do it but....I guess your wife wouldn't have fibroids because they would have seen that when she was pregnant but some women have issues just from being penetrated.