My nephew (22 years old) has been living with me, my dh, and kids (13 & 11) for a year now. He has a wife and a 5 month baby girl.

I needed to do a load of laundry and they were taking a nap, so I went to take their laundry out of the dryer and lo and behold - marajuana in a baggie.

I'm very naive when it comes to drugs so my brother-in-law, who is a police officer, came over and positively identified it.

My delima is this: I totally agree with dh that they need to move out. We have kids in the house and we have 0 tolerance for drugs. My dh says they need to leave NOW. I would like to give them a couple of weeks to find somewhere to go.

What would you do? If I pushed it with dh, he would allow them to stay for a little while, but is that the best thing? I feel like I'm too close to the situation for clear thinking. I'm so upset - they have a baby - What are they thinking?!?

Thanks for any suggestions and sorry for the long post.

Not true. If it is in possession of the nephew, it is his. If it is in the house, it is common area and no one can be placed as the owner unless they admit it. No one would be in serious trouble unless additional issues are in place (growing it, storing large amounts, having packaging materials to indicate sale) Plus, a very small amount of marijuana isn't a HUGE issue. Hell, it is only a misdemeanor anymore. Still a felony on the books, but a Misdemeanor charged (unless it is A LOT).

It was found in the dryer in her house. That is a common area. If he didn't admit to it being his then yes the situation would be worse. We are not sure HOW much was found either. I don't care how much was found the fact that is was is my concern.

Your comment about "hell it is only a misdemeanor" really bothers me. Unless you are on the other end of how that can affect a family it seems very insensitive to make that comment.

Just too many issues to consider here. Shanna I think you did the right thing. That took courage and I applaud you for it.

Rehab would be a good idea as well but the person would have to be receptive to it and most times they are not. It is a hard situation all the way around for everyone concerned. Drugs, Alcohol, Gambling, Eating disorders, etc any addiction is hard to deal with and should not be treated with disregard for how the people around the addictive person are being affected.

Good luck Shanna and I hope your nephew gets a wake up call. Hugs!!

Sorry just now getting back to you. He was 27 when I kicked him out. He had to sign a 10 page contract when he moved in, so there was no guessing as to what was allowed/not allowed in our house. (I'm in law school) We have kids here. I was raised around an alcoholic/crackhead, and my tolerance for the same is nonexistent. He is still a loser, and I suppose he is still doing the same stuff....just not in my house. I have NO functional drug addicts in my family. Everybody else had given my brother a chance to straighten out, he didn't want to be straight. It's very easy for a drug addict to manipulate others. They have a tendency to make others feel guilty about creating opposition for their lifestyle. They are pros at it. And as far as offering rehab...they have to want rehab. That is one thing that you cannot do for him. I agree that there a lots of people that are functional that smoke pot. I just don't know any of them. Like I said, all of the ones I know are either unemployed or steal stuff to get money to support their habit.

Your comment about "hell it is only a misdemeanor" really bothers me. Unless you are on the other end of how that can affect a family it seems very insensitive to make that comment.

I just meant that there are many more severe things out there. And if you think finding a little pot is the worst thing that can happen, then insensitive or not, you need to get out more because there are far and many more serious situations that could happen. I was just trying to put it into perspective of seriousness. I am sorry if my "it could have been worse" attitude offended anyone, but it really really really "could have been worse." I think Shanna took my advice well and was open minded about my comments and don't think she was offended so since she was the one who the comments were meant for, I feel okay about them.

My brother smokes pot and his life is a mess.

I don't talk to him anymore.

All he ever wants to talk about is how he is broke and needs to borrow $20. All he does every single evening is smoke pot.

It makes me mad just thinking that his life has no real adventures, no excitement, nothing happens. All he does is work, get fired (comes in late, calls in sick, too lazy to do anything), smoke pot, and bother his family to lend him money. He fell into this trap, now is depressed and argues with me that he needs pot to make his life bearable.

Good Luck to the original poster, hope your nephew grows up enough to realize this isnt what a daddy should be doing.

I love threads like this on message boards as you tend to get such a wide variety of answers. It's almost like bringing up religion or politics.

Shanna, we are all going to have different opinions on the severity of the situation, but I think we all agree that you've done a good thing with him thus far and that he should move out. :gluck:

I like what you posted!!!!!! All of it!

Good on you Jenna - the voice of reason, and from someone who has probably seen it all.

The point is - what type of person is he?

Is the only difference from him having a smoke after work, instead of a couple of beers, so terrible just because of peoples preconcieved ideas about it?

I fully accept they he may lay on the couch and do nothing all day, but then again, he might not.

I'm just putting the other side forward from a long term regular smoker.

I've been self employed for 10 years and function very well, as do most members of my family, who are professional, intelligent people - who don't drink much, but like a smoke when it's appropriate.

The whole disrespect / trust issue is another thing because he knew how it would be against the rules. But again, he wouldn't of been able to be honest about it.

Take care, Rachel.

If he were caught speeding would you have thrown him out? Speeding is illegal and it not only endangers his life it enadngers the lives of those with him and anyone else on the road around him. I have also heard that it's a known fact that Murderers start out as speeders then move up to pety theft then the sky is the limit.

My nephew hung himself because he had a disease (Schyzophrenia) he smoke pot he drank and he had violent episodes but he always had a roof over his head either at home or with one of his aunts and uncles. He's gone now and I miss him very much.

Shanna,

Do you know if the wife smokes also? In my past, with my brother and his using past, I just know where there is one pot smoker, there is usually another. My prayers go out to the poor baby who has no say in the issue.

I have tried it and hated it. I see how people act using it and can't condone it. LAZY! Not to mention, the irritability with others when the drug is not available.

I have caught my husband, before we were married who stayed with my brother 10 years ago and told him if he wanted a future with me, he WILL

quit or there would be no us. Since then, (we are now married) I have found the nasty substance hid in our garage a couple times. Every time he has been with my brother. I confront him and flush it down the toilet in front of him. He has even gone through the garbage to find the pipe I threw away and said we could get in trouble for having the pipe be found in the garbage. The last time I found it, I put the pipe in the dog shit and said go ahead smoke up buddy! The last time, I flushed the pot and we had a serious talk being we have a 6 year old and the ramifications of what if him and his friend were to find the pot? I told hom this was the last time and next time he would find us in divorce court. I only hope he takes me seriously. I will NOT tolerate another findings.

I feel for you on this whole issue and wish you the best.

Schel

I understand that we all have simple answers with no emotions tied to the problem (much easier to make decisions). YOU just have to think what is best for your family.

Kick him out this weekend (as husband says) and tell him wife and baby can stay for a few more weeks (give him an exact date).

Out of love, give him your reasons. Sometimes a good shakeup is what folks need. Shawn

Shanna,

Do you know if the wife smokes also? In my past, with my brother and his using past, I just know where there is one pot smoker, there is usually another. My prayers go out to the poor baby who has no say in the issue.

I have tried it and hated it. I see how people act using it and can't condone it. LAZY! Not to mention, the irritability with others when the drug is not available.

I have caught my husband, before we were married who stayed with my brother 10 years ago and told him if he wanted a future with me, he WILL

quit or there would be no us. Since then, (we are now married) I have found the nasty substance hid in our garage a couple times. Every time he has been with my brother. I confront him and flush it down the toilet in front of him. He has even gone through the garbage to find the pipe I threw away and said we could get in trouble for having the pipe be found in the garbage. The last time I found it, I put the pipe in the dog shit and said go ahead smoke up buddy! The last time, I flushed the pot and we had a serious talk being we have a 6 year old and the ramifications of what if him and his friend were to find the pot? I told hom this was the last time and next time he would find us in divorce court. I only hope he takes me seriously. I will NOT tolerate another findings.

I feel for you on this whole issue and wish you the best.

Schel

Schell,

I know that your issue is not the one we are discussing, but I wanted to let you know that your situation sounds familiar to me. My husband's best friend and his wife are in the same boat as you and your husband. The wife MADE him quit. Told him firmly "You smoking=DIVORCE". Well, she thinks he quit. I know otherwise...he simply hides it from her. My suggestion would be to talk to him about it instead of delegating what he may/may not do.

I may be a retired cop but I still each Alcohol and Drug driving Laws to Police Officers in Michigan.

Your in a situation no one wants to be in. I think your Tough Love approach is the best.

It is your house and your rules must be followed.

Jenna as you know every state has different Laws on possession. In Michigan There is a new law for Drugs and driving. If one person is in possession in the vehicle all are charged. Vehicles are confiscated and forfieted all the time. The law is designed to make everyone else in the car check thier friends so no one is in possession.

Our tough approach here has created, for the last four years, a steady decrease in deaths in cars from alcohol and drug use.

He, his wife, the baby or even worst all three could be the victims with his use of the marijuana.

My story is too long, sad and convoluted to get into detail, as it stretches through years. But I will shorten it to say that 2 of my brothers and both my stepsons who got into heavy drugs (heroin, cocain, LSD, etc) all say it started with smoking pot and they say they feel it does lead to other drug use.

Only two of them are recovered.

One began using pot again and it quickly escalated to using the other drugs.

One of them is still a heroin addict.

All 4 of them, their lives are in shambles and only 2 feel they can recover any of it. All of them say if they had tough love early on, it would have saved them.

They also feel smoking pot makes you just not care, and is off limits to any addictive person trying to be sober.

From the horse's mouth.

Well my opinion differs from the rest here....I have an 18 yr old son who is Bi-Polar, his medicine of choice is pot...we have tried all of theor Bi-polar meds and none seem to work like the pot does. the pot seems to keep his moods stable and he can lead a normal productive life....I have two other boys and my 18yr old knows if he is going to smoke here it has to be outside and when the other boys are not home..

My son gets good grades, he is a good young man with a level head on his shoulders, he does not drink alcohol or smoke cigarrettes or do any other drugs, his pot is for medicinal purposes only..

Ok, I think the thing that people who are saying "its ok" are forgetting is that this is not a person who is using pot recreationally in his own home. This is a KID with a WIFE and a Kid of his own, who can't afford to provide a home for his own family. um...call me silly, but the fact that he is smoking pot clearly shows stupidity and lack of responsibility. And the wife knows...in a situation like that she is either smoking it with him, or helping him to cover it up. Pity the child, maybe even call child services. Get it the hell out of your house. If he wants to smoke it...fine! Let him. But you have rules, and there is no reason why you should just let someone skate for a bit even though he broke the rules. I don't get why some of the people here want her to go easy on him. HE IS DOING ILLEGAL DRUGS IN HER HOUSE AROUND HER KIDS AND AN INFANT!!! AND HIS MEMORY IS SO BAD HE LEFT A WHOLE BAG WHERE HERN CHILDREN COULD FIND IT AND USE IT!!! Family or not, he would have been out that night. And I have gone through that my self, kicking a family member out with nothing due to drugs. Nothing comes that close to my kids. For no reason!!!

Wow - I'm speechless. So many points of view and I can see the validity in each one. I have not been offended by anyones comments. That's what I asked for. This is how it all panned out...

After speaking to them on Friday night we let them know they needed to leave the next day (Sat). They were very appologetic and sincerely sorry for putting us in this situation. I also told the wife that if she needed anything for herself or the baby to call me or if she and/or the baby needed a place to stay - we are here for them. I felt that was very fair, I did not feel right kicking her or the baby out with no place to go. She promised she would call if she needed anything.

The next morning (Sat), I got a call from my sister in Texas that he is moving there to live with my niece. I can only pray that he gets his life together now and doesn't bring it to her house. They'll keep a close eye out, I'm sure.

They left last night at about 11:00 pm and I can't tell you how sad I am to see them go. I watched Maya be born and have been a daily part of her life for her 5 months alive. I will miss her terribly and will worry about her daily. Vanessa's a good mom to her, so I am not worried about her safety and my sister is close by and will make sure she's taken care of. (My sister works for CPS)

I really wanted our home to be the place where he got his act together and started being a man. Maybe with our tough love he can begin to see the consequences of his actions.

Yesterday I was sad all day - today I've been cleaning out their rooms. It's a fresh start for all of us.

Thanks so much to all who commented. I appreciate the support and to those that have gone through similar situations - I am deeply sorry.

One thing is certain - DRUGS DESTROY FAMILIES! Even recreational/social drug use can lead to heavier use and more severe drugs.

Lots of love,