About 7 years ago my sister in law and the rest of her family talked her sister who had a lot of health issues related to her weight(about 450lbs) into having gastric bypass surgery. She had the surgery and ended up with complications right after she went home and she died. Needless to say they all feel guilty for having talked her into it. I have been battling the weight issue all my life and had control of it till I hit my 30's. Most of my now ex friends are diabetic and have health and mobility issues related to obesity. I did not want to end up diabetic or having to use an electric cart to do my shopping etc. but I couldn't succeed dieting on my own. I have never had major surgery and was terrified but I pressed on. Guess you can see why I chose the band. Quicker recover, less invasive etc. Well I had the surgery Jan. 10th and I'm doing great and losing weight. A little sore but you get the picture. Now we get to the problem. Since my brother died in 2005 I don't see my sister in law and my nephews as often. Usually for holidays and birthdays. These occasions of course all revolve around food. Well obviously I will not be able to eat like before so I'm sort of stuck on what to do. I'm afraid if I tell her I had surgery she will resent the fact that everything went good for me unlike her sister. I don't really want to lie. I guess it was rather cowardly but I figured if something went wrong with my surgery I wouldn't have to explain anything to anyone. I will be seeing her in Feb. and I really don't know how to handle this... any suggestions would be appreciated.

Huggles,

If I was your sister-in-law I would be thrilled for you that you had the surgery with no postop complications! I think she will be too.

.

If you don't want to tell her you've been banded tell her you're dieting and watching what you eat and really sticking to it this time. Though it's highly sad and unfortunate that her sister's surgery did not go as planned and resulted in her dying, she'll have to realize (if you tell her) that lapband is a less invasive surgery and doesn't involve any cutting or removal of your stomach or digestive system.

While she may resent you for it, which she shouldn't, she should hopefully be happy for you that you're not only looking to get your health back but that you made it through surgery safe and sound.

At 450lbs, having any type of surgery is risky; I'm shocked the doctor operated on someone so large.

Either way you don't have to tell her. There are some people who know I am 'dieting and exercising' which is true, I just have a little extra tool to help push me. She doesn't need to know that; do it when you're comfortable!

If it were me, I would probably tell her. Sure you both are sad and missing her sister, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want you to be happy and successful.

You have no reason to discuss your personal decisions with anyone. Treat it the same way you would treat anyone. When she asks you why you arent eating "normally" reply that you are dieting. If she asks questions you can add that you are seeing such great results your arent veering off your meal choices.

That should end the conversation. If she presses I would stick to my guns and just say I have made a decision to lose weight and appreciate your support. If she flat out asks if you had surgery you can either leave... saying its none of her beeswax or tell her that you had the lap band implanted. Of course if you do that be prepared to get in to an involved discussion but one that maybe will enlighten her.

Good luck!

My mom had bypass and passed away about 8 months afterwards do to complications and medication she was on. At that time I was considering lap-band surgery but just could not go thru with it. 7 month ago I did, some of my family were not thrilled about it but after everything turned out to be ok... they are all very happy for me! I think they will be happy for you too! Good Luck on your journey!

Of course I don't know your SIL, but if it were me and my family members, I would be very open and honest about the band. I think my SIL would be hurt if I didn't tell her.

Realize that any negative reactions you receive have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your sister in law was the only one who made the decision to have surgery and in doing so she accepted the potential risks.

Your family feeling guilty is their issue -- not yours.

And if they try to guilt you simply tell them that their comments are inappropriate and that your sister-in-law's situation, while very unfortunate, is unrelated to yours.

You can only act and react to the stimuli presented by others and no one can make you feel anything -- it's your decision how you act and react. The same goes for them.

I wouldn't worry about it. There are HUGE risks too when you are 450 pounds, the bypass is more serious, and 7 years ago they weren't nearly as skilled at it. I wouldn't feel bad, this is your decision, if they have a problem it's unrelated.

I sure evryone has a lot more to talk about than what you are eating or how much .. Just go and enjoy yourself .... You did this for you and things will work out at your gathering... Thank God we are here to tell the story about our surgery.... some good some bad but we are getting better one day at a time...... I too know someone that died after weight loss surgery ... Tell her the truth you are making better choices as to what you are putting in your body..... Have a good visit with your family................

About 7 years ago my sister in law and the rest of her family talked her sister who had a lot of health issues related to her weight(about 450lbs) into having gastric bypass surgery. She had the surgery and ended up with complications right after she went home and she died. Needless to say they all feel guilty for having talked her into it. I have been battling the weight issue all my life and had control of it till I hit my 30's. Most of my now ex friends are diabetic and have health and mobility issues related to obesity. I did not want to end up diabetic or having to use an electric cart to do my shopping etc. but I couldn't succeed dieting on my own. I have never had major surgery and was terrified but I pressed on. Guess you can see why I chose the band. Quicker recover, less invasive etc. Well I had the surgery Jan. 10th and I'm doing great and losing weight. A little sore but you get the picture. Now we get to the problem. Since my brother died in 2005 I don't see my sister in law and my nephews as often. Usually for holidays and birthdays. These occasions of course all revolve around food. Well obviously I will not be able to eat like before so I'm sort of stuck on what to do. I'm afraid if I tell her I had surgery she will resent the fact that everything went good for me unlike her sister. I don't really want to lie. I guess it was rather cowardly but I figured if something went wrong with my surgery I wouldn't have to explain anything to anyone. I will be seeing her in Feb. and I really don't know how to handle this... any suggestions would be appreciated.

First of all..Having surery at 450lbs was a major risk in itself. It is indead sad and painfull that she passed away, but I am sure it was more that having the gastric bypass itself that caused her death. Having worked on a gastric bypass wing as a RN I can tell you. I have seen sadness and miracles with this surgery. The largest woman we ever operated on was 800lbs and I was truely terrified for her because I ddin't know if i was going to see her after surgery or not. Needless to say, she survived and to this day is doing well. The surgery saved her life, but it could have turned for the worse..A close firend of mine had gastric bypass, lost 200 lbs, and needless to say gained it back and has now also passed on from complications FROM WEIGHT GAIN.... so you,,,it can go either way....

I am glad you had your surgery. You are onestep closer to being healthier. As for telling your family, it is up to you to make the decision. I believe in the end, they will be happy for you because you have chosen to take control of your health...

Peace and may you have a happy and healthy 2011...

Onenuttynurse

YOU DONT NEED TO TELL HER IF YOU DONT WANT TO. I MADE THE CHOICE NOT TO TELL ANY ONE. JUST MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER KNOW. ANY WAY WHAT I TELL PEOPLE IS (ONLY WHEN THEY ASK) . "MY GOAL IS TO EAT 1/2 OF WHAT I USED TO AND EAT IT SLOW" WORKS FOR ME. NO ONE QUESTIONS THAT. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE BIGIST PERSON AMONG FREINDS AND FAMILY SO ITS NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY ONE WANTING TO KNOW MY SERECT TO SUCSESS. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FAMILY. HAVE FUN. REMEMBER THIS IS NOT A DIET ITS A LIFE STYLE CHANGE. HOPEFULLY YOU WILL BE EATING THIS WAY FOR LIFE. SO NO NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

Previous posts have had good insight. I'd like to add that if you to tell her you can say that you were mindful of your SIL when you made the decision to proceed. Her complications were in your thoughts as you weighed the pros and cons of the surgery. But even knowing someone first hand who had passed, you decided you HAD to proceed for your health.

For you to think on. You say that her family talked her into the surgery. Do you know what the complications were? I am NOT saying this is what happened, nor am I blaming her, but did she fail to follow doctor's orders post-op because she really did not want the surgery? Do you know what the complications were? Were they truly related to the bypass procedure or surgery in general? Both can occur. As someone else said, the risks of surgery for someone at 450 pounds are extremely high.

You are past the immediate post-op phase, so you don't need to worry about pneumonia or a blood clot which can happen right away. Best wishes to you in whatever decision you make!

Previous posts have had good insight. I'd like to add that if you to tell her you can say that you were mindful of your SIL when you made the decision to proceed. Her complications were in your thoughts as you weighed the pros and cons of the surgery. But even knowing someone first hand who had passed, you decided you HAD to proceed for your health.

For you to think on. You say that her family talked her into the surgery. Do you know what the complications were? I am NOT saying this is what happened, nor am I blaming her, but did she fail to follow doctor's orders post-op because she really did not want the surgery? Do you know what the complications were? Were they truly related to the bypass procedure or surgery in general? Both can occur. As someone else said, the risks of surgery for someone at 450 pounds are extremely high.

You are past the immediate post-op phase, so you don't need to worry about pneumonia or a blood clot which can happen right away. Best wishes to you in whatever decision you make!

What Cocoabean said.

Seriously, it would be best if you were simply honest about it. I do understand your reticence over it, and I know how judgemental families, in particular, can be about these things. But...the truth is going to come out eventually anyway, and they might be more upset with you if they find out later than if they find out now.

Also, you really do have courage, and you should be commended for that. Even though they are TOTALLY different procedures, many people would not have WLS if a close family member had passed away post-surgery. Courage is an important component of a successful Band Experience, and you have certain shown that you possess it.

You should do very well with the Band!

S.

My sister in laws sister died from a blood clot the day after she was discharged from the hosp. I really appreciate all the feedback and support. This has been a difficult situation to work around. But I feel I owe myself the chance for better health. Thanks a bunch.

Previous posts have had good insight. I'd like to add that if you to tell her you can say that you were mindful of your SIL when you made the decision to proceed. Her complications were in your thoughts as you weighed the pros and cons of the surgery. But even knowing someone first hand who had passed, you decided you HAD to proceed for your health.

For you to think on. You say that her family talked her into the surgery. Do you know what the complications were? I am NOT saying this is what happened, nor am I blaming her, but did she fail to follow doctor's orders post-op because she really did not want the surgery? Do you know what the complications were? Were they truly related to the bypass procedure or surgery in general? Both can occur. As someone else said, the risks of surgery for someone at 450 pounds are extremely high.

You are past the immediate post-op phase, so you don't need to worry about pneumonia or a blood clot which can happen right away. Best wishes to you in whatever decision you make!

Huggles, thank you for sharing the complication.

A blood clot is a risk of any surgery. I am very sorry it happened to her. In obese patients the risk is even higher of a clot occurring than in normal weight patients. The main treatment for fighting blood clots is to get us up and walking right after surgery and keep us on the move.

I hope you find the balance between honesty, privacy, and peace with your family. Try not to let emotions rule the day.

As for what I have done, most of my family knows except for my mother-in-law, because all she does is fuss over everyone's health status. I get migraine headaches, and every time I see her she wants a run down of how I am doing. DH told her recently that I had an abscess on my back side a year and a half ago that needed lancing (he was searching for conversation--she was seeing the nurse practitioner who took care of it for me), now she wants all the gory details and asks about it often! So the family understands why I don't want her to know. They all just say, "gee your diet is going great, you look so good!"

Best wishes to you!