Lap_dancer

I've been banded for several years now. There is no science to my experience at all but I've come to think that in the beginning, the stomach pouch is so stretched it takes time to shrink it. I use to eat enormous amounts of food but those days are gone. I can tell you I target protein on any buffet or plate. I want that in me first ( had this paranoia about losing my hair and heard protein..protein..protein). Over time, the body does change if you are persistant in what you put in it. I like to call it 'SELECTIVE'.

I would amp up your protein intake. EAS makes a drink, multiple flavors, that will get you to your 40 plus grams of protein a day.

What is the one thing that you find most discouraging?

Friends that let you down?, betrayal?, false hope?, for me it is discouragement. The thing I find most discouraging is discouragement.

After all the journeys, Colorado for the Band, I had hope of finally feeling normal. Just when normal started touching my skin something else felt abnormal One year later I sit here with another narrative from a CT scan of my spine:

Findings: Alignment abnormality is noted with mild levoscoliosis (isn't that what Herminone Granger said as a spell articulate?) and straightening of the cervical spine alignment.

*and if I was wondering within myself that it didn't sound too bad I could read on**

There are multilevel mild facet disease changes and mild/moderate disc disease changes with moderate disc disease noted of the mid and lower cervical spine from C4-5 thorugh C6-7. Mild canal narrowing and miltilevel mild neuroforminal disease*

*Google this for definition

changes are seen thorughout the cervical spine. No fracture of subluxation is noted. There are mild anterior/posterior spondylotic changes from C4-5 through C6-7.

Impression on the next two pages: Mild Alignment abornmality and mild diffuse face and disc disease as above.

So the pain in my back is worse than above and there are more Latin words. The medication worked until I didn't crap for five days. Nausea, lumps in my stomach and around made me think the medicine that took the pain away left something. A tradeoff.

Back to the pain doctor tomorrow.

http://www.spine-health.com/treatment/pain-medication/narcotic-pain-medications

It's Wednesday, January7th. I woke up this morning (with a wine glass in my hand, whose wine? what wine?...-Frampton) I woke up and got out of bed. I slept well last night. This is a big treat for me. For years the other person that is attached to the front part of my body in the form of fat prevented me from sleeping on my stomach. If I tried, my head would not touch the pillow but would hang precariously shoving my breasts up under my already tripled chin. Not comfortable.

The first part of my body that noticably changed was my chin. I lost one chin, and believe me I'm not looking for it, another chin and now remains a slight flop. The stomach dropped as well. Although still there, it no longer swings from side to side and I'm not embarrassed to trot when I find the strength. In the past, a trot or slight increase in momentum caused my stomach to swing like a pendulum back and forth. So last night I had the good grace of sleeping on my stomach. I'm definately losing volume.

It's because of all the rehersals. Every day I rise and I practice the habits of slow chew, no liquids with meals, protein first, avoiding altogether the things that use to fill my pantry and my stomach. By now it is habit. I'm not so fooled by the smaller sizes in clothing, the compliments which come as a nice change in my life. I know I haven't arrived and though I see the friend in the front of my body disappearing, part of her personality will remain with me and remind me of what we have been through together.

The rehersals and daily habits I'm developing will some day lead me to The Really Big Show. That day when I wake up and I step on the scale and there it is...that number. It's a simple number but it represents so much. It represents the end of a long journey. It SHOWS me that I can do it. That I believe in myself enough to know that this obstacle can be overcome. By then I will be able to pick up Christopher and swing him around. I'll be able to place him on my lap and go on Disney rides and walk the park without becoming breathless. By that time I will be shopping with my sister :grouphug: and putting on clothes that are stylish and fit (and are not made by Coleman or bought at REI ..think: camping and tents...kidding).

It is going to happen, this show that I am rehersing for.

I believe.

I know.

I will succeed!:iagree::confused::sorry::biggrin:

Part of the joy in my life comes from a group I call my "Bohemian Brothers and Sisters", the artsy fartsy musicans, painters and potters that I share my muses with.

There is Dave, an amazing musician that despite a lifetime of diabetes, he is a career musician, makes a living at playing guitar ( just like a ringin' a bell), there is Glenn, a photograher who captures the money shot in less than five frames. I have Lia, she moved to Florida from the Pacific Northwest and with her she brought the aroma and eloquent love of coffee. She turned me on to Kona, roasted and freshly ground on the spot and then brewed for a cup of coffee like no other. All the memories I have of this collective has nothing to do with food. What binds us together is our passion for creating be it music, art or the promotion and support of artists in my community. It was my withdrawal from this group and socially that was my first indication that something else was goin on besides aches and pains and a depression leeching into myself that seemed to come from no where beginning about five months after my Lap-Band Surgery.

Where do all the emotions go when you cannot stuff them down?

The question I journaled to myself one day was this:

"what do you do with all of the emotions you use to eat over?"

It opened up a cave of pain that I decided to explore.

From my artist group there are writers and one afternoon amid books and coffee and conversation came a discreet one on one topic between a writer and myself. She said two words: "Lavender Sisters" and Lavender Power and the story of a woman by the name of Angela Shelton.

Angela Shelton was doing a short film documentary on women named Angela Shelton (her name). She was travelling the U.S. and stopping randomly, getting the phone book and looking up the Angela Sheltons all across America. What she discovered in that process was that many of the Angela Sheltons she met had something in common, many of these women had been abused.

This lead to Angela's shifting her documentary theme to that of women and abuse. She documented her story/their stories. From this grew an organziation called Lavender Power which encompasses survivors of Domestic Violence, sexual abuse, rape support, survivor, child abuse, addictions, violence, healing, trauma, and features recognized individuals who reveal their own abuse stories and ways to help overcome the past. Mo'Nique, comedian and actress, was recently featured in Essence where she revealed abuse at the hands of her brother. Her story reads:

The comedian says her brother molested her four times over the course of four years. He often used candy to lure her into the bathroom, where much of the abuse took place.

¢®"He still acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. So screw hurting your feelings. You need to get your feelings hurt, and you need to get some help."

"My father was very upset, but it never got mentioned again.

I'll never forget my mother saying, "If" it's true, it will surface again, and I remember thinking, Why would I lie? Why is there even an "if" in this? I was angry with them for so long, because I felt as if they should have seen what was happening

Her brother, she said went on to serve 15 years in prison for sexually abusing another girl and never made amends for the abuse."

As I began to journal my own pain, the hazy memories of my six year old self became clearer and then I knew their names, where they lived on my block, the hook (candy), a pup tent, some boys and myself, a little girl alone, afraid, and fleeing froma pain that left me wetting my pants as I ran through the neighbor's backyard to the safety of my own home. It doesn't matter now that my jumbled words could not find the adult vocabulary to describe to my mother what had happened to me or that soapy hand of hers coming out of the sink of dishes she was washing just long enough to slap my face for ' playing with boys'. The event remained painfully hidden until one Saturday afternoon when I was fooled into believing my friend, the brother of one of the boys, was downstairs waiting for me and he had, I was told, new toys, candy and when i got to the foot of the basement stairs I was coaxed further into the darkness only to find four boys and my friend no where to be found.

Therapy helped. So did joining the Lavender group. So did finding out that 40% of depressed/morbidly obese women had some type of abuse experience. Myself included.

So when we stop stuffing down the pain, it rises to the surface of our memories. From there it goes where? It comes out. It manifests itself still only this time we must face the ugly memories or face a lifetime of relapse into the old ways we relieved ourselves.

for more information:

Lavender Wikipedia http://www.freewebs.com/mypainfulsmiles/lavenderwikapedia.htm

http://www.freewebs.com/mypainfulsmiles/index.htm

Lighten Up

Resolution: Lose weight

Make it stick: This resolution seems to make its way on the list every year. But in 2009, you can easily make room for fitness in your life by simply making room for it in your house. Any extra bedroom or den can be transformed into a mini fitness studio.

Bring Sexy Back

Resolution: Increase my sex life

Make it stick: To keep this promise, start from the ground up. Help set the mood with a bedroom that is free of clutter, kid’s toys, and other distractions. 1. Clean Up Your Act

Get rid of all the junk that accumulates in your bedroom. Don't use it as a dumping ground for kids' art projects, laundry, newspapers, and magazines. No one feels sexy going to bed in a warehouse.

First, get everything up off the floor. Store the things that warrant it and trash the things that don't. Clear of the surfaces of chests and tables, and only replace what is meaningful or pretty. You don't want to see anything that reminds you of chores or obligations. Everything your eye lands on should make you feel relaxed and confident

2. Can the Can Lights

Overhead lighting is notoriously unflattering. There's nothing sexy about a well-lit room. You want shadows, highlights, and the soft glow of filtered light.

Place lamps with ivory shades on each side of your bed, and make sure the bulbs are no more than 60 watts. For even more impact, replace the white bulbs with pink-tinted bulbs. Everybody looks good in this light -- the only thing more flattering is candlelight, and pink light bulbs don't pose a fire hazard.

3. Scents and Sensibility

Take the same approach to smell that you took to sight. Get rid of anything that doesn't smell great. Remove the laundry hamper to a bathroom or closet. Evict the dog, just for one night. Wash everything, down to the mattress pad. And make up your bed with the sheets folded back invitingly, the way they do in fine hotels.

Choose a scented candle with care. One that's too floral may be off-putting. A better bet is one that smells fresh and clean, like Jo Malone's Grapefruit. The flicker of candlelight will enhance your sexy lighting scheme.

4. Soundtrack

The "Law & Order" theme song is not sexy music. Turn off the television! Better yet, remove it from the bedroom. The bedroom should be for two things only: sleep and sex.

Put a small stereo in your bedroom and play your favorite music -- it's a great mood enhancer. If you're worried about being overheard by children or neighbors, add sound insulation. Hang curtains and roll out a thick rug -- fabric absorbs sound.

5. Ban the Beanie Babies

The bedroom is your own private sanctuary, but beware what message you're sending by using it as a display case for your hobbies.

Stuffed animals are a no-no, as are too many tiny pillows. What looks good in a bedding store can appear fussy and high-maintenance at home -- not the message you're trying to send.

6. Take a Look

Add a mirror somewhere. It doesn't have to be attached to the ceiling, but a cleverly positioned mirror, or even a mirrored piece of furniture, can really spice things up.

It will add glimmer and shine, both sexy qualities. A closet door left "accidentally" ajar, with its inside mirror angled toward the bed, can give you a thrill without risking embarrassment.

By Lydia Somerville, Senior Editor

People become protective of the babes of the world when it comes to things like smoking while pregnant, or drinking, using appropriate language and otherwise setting a good example. I don't ever recall once hearing anything about setting a good example for my family but eating healthy choices.

Where were the articles, WALK-A-THONS, bumper stickers and billboards advocating the wise choices of food? How about a "No Sugar Saturday"?

It's January now so of course the channels are filled with weight loss tips, diet promotions and being morbidly obese since 1992, this year is a little bit different. Looking at close to 100 gone off this body, my frame can now feel the efforts beginning to shed. Unfortunately, while compiling some digital photo files, I came across recent pictures of my two adult children and both of them are now morbidly obese. They are only in their early twenties.

I am feeling terribly guilty for serving way too many soup casseroles and late night meals. I also wish we had done much more physical activities together. Bike riding, swimming, but it wasn't a priority...work was. My late nights out earning extra income and pulling into the drive-thru at 10 PM for dinner did nothing to promote a healthy lifestyle as a priority for my kids and THAT is what rubbed off on them.

Aside from a game show or reality event I hope in many homes across America there are families sitting around watching the biggest loser and learning. I hope mom and dad get some tips that show up in conversation or on the dinner table and the lives of more than a few are changed to a healthier one. As for me, I will join the Discovery Challenge this year as part of my tools to discovering yet more about the me within that is crying to get out. I have the keys and I'm going for the door.

what a long, strange trip it's been...

I had lost 25 lbs for our trip to Seattle. I thought I looked fabulous. But in this photo I was sitting, instead of standing, because I had been on my feet about twenty minutes so I was pretty beat. I also didn't want my hanging stomach to show in a photo, it was halfway down my legs and the girth would be obvious, so I sat.

But

goofing around, my husband caught this photo anyway

HOW TO HIDE fat in a PHOTO

and on this cruise, I hid behind a deck chair, put my hand over my chin.

And he said to me, "Patty, think about all the things you would have done on our cruise if you didn't have as much weight to carry around."

So often I felt like a freak of nature. But I kept going.

Taken less than an hour before my surgery.

What I use to look like, normal, healthy. 128 lbs. in 1978. It's not how long your journey is that matters, it's how much luggage you are carrying.

Losing my luggage.

About eight months ago my weight hung around three hundred pounds like un wanted company. I checked my food intake, looked at my card to see if I was green. I had my last fill in Feb. 2008. I had great restriction and felt like I finally hit my sweet spot.

Long spaces of time between meals, not even thinking about food, obsessing about food is more like it. That was gone. Drinking my meals, gone. Gulping food, gone. I had retrained myself successfully but each time I tried to do the rest of it, the working the body to strengthen it I got nothing but pain. The more weight I lost, the greater the pain.

This wasn't part of the bargain, sure, my knees stopped hurting, my feet stopped hurting, no more diabetes medication, no more snoring. This part I had hoped for but the pain. It radiated down my spine. It shot down my right leg. I felt stabbing pains in my groin and lower stomach. The more I walked the worse it got. The only thing that gave it remedy was bed rest. My life was work and then going to bed. It was easy to see why my weight had slowed up.

It took getting caught at work not being where I should have been because the distance required walking was too much, and having my boss sit me down and confronting me to force me to confront the pain. What the truth was and is remains. That I have lost over eighty pounds, over fifty since being banded, and despite have good restriction and food control I am unable to walk any distance or stand longer than five minutes.

I stepped back from focusing on the scale and focused on cause. I started with my doctor who ordered an MRI of the area most disturbing. It came back and there was part of it:

arthristis, bulging disc, compressed vertabrae, scoliosis.

My lower spine was a mess. To keep me working, I cannot afford to stop working, I was placed on morphine and it helped slightly.

In late November I went to the Cleveland Clinic in Weston, Florida. A second MRI was done, a CT Scan of my abdomen, revealed the beautiful band Dr. Kirshenbaum had inserted was exactly where it was suppose to be. My band was fine.

I had a hiatel hernia though. I had a hernia filled with fat in my stomach near my navel. This will need to be repaired when they do the surgery to remove the skin that is becoming part of the problem. I will need a lower body lift. My stomach had gotten so large and now that it was shrinking, my body was redistributing the weight and it was pulling higher up on my spine. In that location where I had the most stress from my stomach, the spine slides out of place. The nickname is SPONDY and the long name is two other versions of SPONDY that I was diagnosed with also in my cervical spine.

The next test will be a CT Scan of my entire spine. Now that they found one, two maybe three or four sources of the pain, no one is stopping the doctors.

This next year will be filled with rehab. Physical and Occupational. When I get over this hump I have the vision of a better life, the same vision that got me started.

Onward I go...

Picking it up now, I am glad I journaled those words. I'm glad moreso that I took the photos that reveal the mass attached to my body.

I'm coming up on two years now. My anniversary and birthday is April 17th. It feels more like a birth.

The unexpected hit me hard and I wasn't prepared. Foremost I had to speak the truth, what my real weight was, the peak weight. It was documented when I went to the hospital so I know just how big I got but fearing I would be turned away, jeered, and yelled at, like the local doctor who refused to consider me as a patient and told me if I didn't lose weight

..I wouldn't fit on his surgical table..

It's amazing how much abuse you are willing to take when you are so desperate.

It was 392.8 I can say it now, I was close to four hundred pounds.

I'm not there anymore. Motivated by the rejection and spurred on by the hope of getting a band, I began slowly losing a pound at a time by mostly starving myself.

I wanted it so bad.

Looking back I think I was at around 370 when I first spoke to Dr. Kirshenbaum's office.

The day before banding I was 352.

I kept going...still going...with more walls going up than I could imagine.

Sulking within myself I spent the next six weeks feeling it was all a waste. Then I found a website, LapBand Talk. I wasn't alone. Loads of rejection just like my own story with my insurance.

Then it came to this day:

Date Printed: January 5, 2007: 10:48 PM

Supplemental Letter for January 9, 2007

January 3, 2007

Dear Review Panel:

Presented to you for review is my case for a gastric procedure known as a laproscopic banding procedure or "Lap-Band". In a lower review, BCBSFL did not dispute that I meet the criteria for the Lap-Band procedure. There is no dispute that I would benefit from weight loss surgery and there is no dispute that losing weight would be beneficial to my health. At issue is the coverage of this surgery and the exception I am requesting for this exclusion. Ironically, I received a phone call a few weeks ago from BCBSFL's new Diagnostics Program that offers support to wellness. Through this program, I gained beneficial information in the form of a booklet, catalog and DVD on the very weight loss surgery I am requesting.

There is evidence in my medical records that I have tried for years multiple weight loss regimens and used pharmacotherapy for obesity under the supervision of my physician, Dr. Alan Sichelman. For my mental state, it is documented by my therapist, Jane Fenby, that I have a full understanding of what this procedure entails and that it will be a lifetime commitment on my part. There is no indication that I am unstable, misinformed with perceptions of unrealistic expectations; Rather so, that I have pursued this avenue under the direction of my primary care physician and other medical personnel, with cooperation, information and education; That I am laying the course for my surgical event and post surgical life by the compass of these individuals and their combined medical expertise demonstrates I am an individual who very much wishes to be healed.

Unquestionably, I am ill and feel I am fighting for my life. As a result of my severe morbid obesity, I suffer from sleep apnea, diabetes, depression, back problems, joint pain, hypertension, migraines, Pictures will show my condition and the severity of my obesity. It is true that my life is endangered. This procedure will prevent the worsening of my condition, alleviate present harmful medical conditions and perhaps cure them. It is the conclusion of my physican(s) and myself that I am in need of this operation. Please authorize my surgery.

Additional:

As providers of health care coverage, Blue Cross and Blue Shield has historically authorized weight loss surgery. Currently, Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina cut in half hospital re-admissions "by the twelve surgeons in North Carolina that are designated as centers of excellence for bariatric (obesity) surgery." Additionally, BCBSNC was one of the first insurers in the nation to officially recognize centers of excellence for bariatric surgery. Illinois also follows this model as well as South Dakota, Iowa, Michigan and several other states.

In recent publications in the Tampa Bay area, BCBSFL appears to be using bariatric surgery denials as a financial decision rather than one in the best interest of patient care. I must express my concern that with sufficient evidence from their medical providers and informed decisions with which they move forward, it is very troubling that patient/physician decisions of health necessity are disrupted, ignored and denied, superceded by a focus on cost. It is hoped that Florida will soon follow the successful excellence practice as established by Blue Cross and Blue Shield in other states.

Patricia Reeves

Last night was my first meeting with the support group.

The new attendees were there by 6 PM for the lecture on the gastric procedures. Already I am feeling like a graduate of Novice University. Chris and I arrived about a half an hour late and caught the tail end of the presentation. Next month I think he and I should go to the 6 PM orientation so he can understand what is happening.

Chris seems as eager for me as I am for myself. He has questions like he did when I was pregnant with the children. In a way, I feel like I am pregnant again and giving birth to a new self in as little as six months.

I remain very hopeful, hope I have not felt for a very long time.