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vanishingvixen

LAP-BAND Patients
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Blog Entries posted by vanishingvixen

  1. vanishingvixen
    Sometimes I wonder what miscellaneous people see when they look at me. Are they disgusted by my appearence as much as I am lately?
     
    Like, admittedly, when I see someone fat (my size on upwards of 4 or 500lbs): I wonder if there sturggles w/food have been like mine, I wonder how they feel about themselves, and wonder if they are as uncomfortable as I have been (physically, in terms of knee/hip/foot pain, exhaustion, etc) But most of all, I wonder if they have ever reached the end of their rope w/their weight/health or if they are content with being that way. I ask, b/c I know that some folks enjoy being overweight (ie: the lady recenty who aiming at trying to be 1200 lbs or something so assinine)
     
    I’m not judging. And this is not intended to sound/read as such – I’m just curious about peoples lives…and if, like me, they too are just as fed up with being (so) fat & out of shape…but don’t know what to do about it. I know people probably look at me on the Metro when I’m about to take a seat next to them thinking “noooooooo, I don’t want that fat broad squeezing me into the seat!!”. I’m very aware of peoples reactions…and it hurts. I just wonder if it affects anyone like it has affected me. And further – at what point do you decide to do something about your health??
     
    Being fat I could care lass about. IF I could be fat (morbidly obese is a less pretty term for the truth) AND healthy at this size…ok. But I think it’s physically impossible to be over a certain weight and not have any health issues (present & future) associated with it. Some folks are just riding down the river called denial. I know for me I wasn’t particularly in denial – its just that everything I tried never lasted long term, and I grew sick of feeling like crap about myself – especially over the past year. I don’t want to become one of those folks that acts (seems to act) like I’m so much more enlightened because I’ve decided to do something about my health – because that’s ALL this is about for me. But I wonder if people really know where they stand in terms of mortality.
     
    I’ll put it this way – there is NO food good enough, no alcoholic beverage tasty enough…for me to remain in my current state. I need help trying to shave some years off the death sentance I’ve given myself over the past 2 decades, and pray that the Insurance “Mayor” makes the LAP-BAND® surgery an easy pardon. I’m at my wits end. Add to it married life, motherhood, 9-5 job, jewelry biz…I’m damn near ready to throw myself (and a few other select ppl) off the Woodrow Wilson bridge. But its only a matter of time. Change come soon – I bring it!
     
    P.s. Need a unique and custom-made mother's day gift? I can help! http://ggxjewels.com/Parents_Pride_ZET1.php
  2. vanishingvixen
    *editor's note* this is from my main blog...some of this doesn't apply to this forum*
     
    This will be another quickie – as this week getting back in the swing of things has been rather hectic. I promise to get back on my blogging game next week.
     
    Well, looks like my “start date” (the hoop-jumping 3months I have to go thru for insurance, dr. Monitored weightloss, etc) will be pushed back 1 month. Instead of April, ill start in May – after Mother’s Day/the big GGX event in NYC. Mainly a money issue – I have a few things looming and lots of prep for the 3 vendor events I have in the next 6 wks, and I need to be able to focus all of my time & attention on that…for now.
     
    BUT, if I can figure out a way to do it in April…I will. I’m just very ready to get the show on the road!! I under-estimated how much time and energy go into an actual event. And after the 2day expo this past weekend, I figure I really need to grind the next few weeks. Still praying for a way to get it all done according to schedule…but we’ll see.
     
    Now – I have a rant. This is directed at the folks that have never struggled with weight in their life. I pose this question: Why do some people thinks its so easy to lose weight on your own? Be eat over eating/food addictions/emotional eating/etc or lack of exercise/motivation/lethargy/complacency… Do you think I’d be subjecting myself to a surgical process, hospital bills, etc…if it were “THAT easy”? Even in my most successful weightloss of 20+ lbs (attributed to pills that are no longer on the market), that was it. The 100+ I need to lose is not a matter of it being “THAT easy” if I just put my mind to it – as if I haven’t (put my mind/energy to it) done that already. Weight is a hard, hardddd thing to lose. ESPECIALLY once you have had a child. Why do you think so many people use Trim Spa, Quick Trim, cleanses, etc…hoping for some quick assistance (even the small ppl like Kim ‘Dash)?
     
    Not to take ANYthing away from those who ARE, in fact doing it the “natural way” like my girl Benee -because she is one of the most dedicated folks I've seen. Here attitude, her drive, and the results are phenomenal. But as she's chimed in before - not everyone can do it that way. If we could, there wouldn't be such staggering rates of obesity. Not everyone is able - and for real? Eating healthy is EXPENSIVE. *sheesh* Just curious as to why MY decision to do what *I* need to do…rub so many people (in general) the wrong way? Even other overweight/obese people who are hell-bent on doing it their way…but have been unsuccessful for years. At what point do you decide that something isn't quite working for you? Some folks have been battling the buldge for 10, 15, 20 years like myself. At what point do you consider another alternative - especially when your health & life are at risk?
     
    Let's just keep it real as we look at the chart...(after calculating our BMI's. Mine is 52. Which means I'm HALF fat. *smdh*) http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bminojs.htm
     
     

    BMI
     
    Weight StatusBelow 18.5Underweight18.5 – 24.9Normal25.0 – 29.9Overweight30.0 and AboveObese


     

    and for example:


     
     
    Height
    Weight Range
    BMI


     
     
    Weight Status5' 9"124 lbs or lessBelow 18.5Underweight125 lbs to 168 lbs18.5 to 24.9Normal169 lbs to 202 lbs25.0 to 29.9Overweight203 lbs or more30 or higherObese

     
     
    How many truly obese people can 50+ pounds on their own, with no assistance? *shrug* Maybe it's just me...
     
    If I trust God to protect me, that includes surgery. I can’t lose any sleep over the “potential complications” with out acknowledging the “potential gain” (which in this case, is weight “loss”). Its all worth it for me…a year from now, I will be A LOT healthier than I am today. Guarenteed. Not sure how many other folks can say that, but I'm glad *I* can...
     
    *thats my rant and I’m sticking to it*
  3. vanishingvixen
    I know it's been a minute since my last post. LAst week was a doozy for me. I had to prep for my first jewelry event. It was a SMASH, BTW! Added some cheese to my nest egg
     
    I've fallen off on the food journal over the last week (online), but have been writing it down in a notebook. i'm still on track. Pretty proud, too. Down 2 more lbs!
     
    I'll be back in regular posting mode this week.
     
    take a moment to check out the other part of my life here:
     

     

  4. vanishingvixen
    Seems like my post-revolt body didn't take too kindly to the Nemo Patty I had for dinner last night. Dude, my system had NO problem trying to evict that joint & all its baggage. *whew* Then, today, with my "healthy" lunch (rice w/veggies & chix, yummy waldorf salad, cherry pepsi zero), I wanted a handful of my "favorite" UTZ Smokin Sweet potato chips. 5 chips in, I realized that wasn't a good idea. *bubble guts* I guess that's a good thing. My body is reminding me to stay focused, even when my cravings are saying "Might I have another, please?" *in my best Madonna/british accent* Interesting how that works, huh? Now, if I could just find a pair of full body swimming SPANX (complete w/a pair of Tina Turner legs - because even "reduced fat" cottage cheese is still too much for some to digest)... A fatgirl can dream, can't she??
  5. vanishingvixen
    // Preface: I’m sitting in McDonald’s THOROGHLY enjoying the Filet-o-fish I’ve been craving. Not guilty, not ashamed. Twas my reward for losing 5lbs since 3/1/10. Now, the loss coulda been attributed to the little revolt my body staged over the past 3 days, but I was determined to get me that tasty brick-o-minced Nemo. I know – I have a long way to go, but little “rewards” like this, make it easy to keep going. All I have to do is keep doing what I’ve done the past 2 wks – make better, healthier daily choices, ramp up the physical activity, and keep my eyes on the prize. All the while still allowing treats for mini-victories along the way. Carpe Diem & Viva la Fishie! :wink2://
     
     
     
     
    Now, today was my surgical consult. Long story short, it marked the official start of part 1 of my journey (pre-approval) :thumbup:. On 3/29, I have my Pulmonary Consult, 4/5 my sleep study, 4/6 starts the 1st of the 3-month multi-disciplinary weight-loss program required by my insurance company.
     
     
     
     
     
    It’s amazing how fairly quickly this is all coming together. There is still a lot of work to be done (on my end, in terms of eating habits, exercising, etc), but knowing is half the battle. And if all goes according to plan, I’m looking at a surgery date somewhere around mid-late August. *woot*
     
     
     
     
     
    I will say, the surgeon suggested that "gastric bypass would probably be the better option" for me since ideally *he* would like to see me lose 125-130#. I get it. BUT, he said that I need to make the decision I feel is best for me…and that is what I’m doing. So lap band, it is. I was told to expect the weightloss of about 80-100lbs over the next 12-18mnths, and that (plus any additional is still up to me and my “new healthier lifestyle”) I CAN gain all the weight back if I don’t stay on the path *duly noted*
     
     
     
     
    I can’t begin to say how excited I am. How nervous. How elated. How scared. How…EVERYTHING I am. I just know that whatever happens…there is no turning back Not now. Not ever…:tongue2:
     
     
     
     
    Besides, Geeyonce waits for no one. The rebirth is upon us. Followed by The unveiling, coming to a blog near you: May 2011. *giggety giggety*
     
     
     
     
    P.s. After eliminating white sugar from my diet for 2 wks, the McD’s sweet tea was too much for my tastebuds *blech* NEVER thought I’d see the day I could/would give that up. Only 5 swigs, and I was d.un. Ill take unsweetend w/splenda from here on out… Pls &thk u!
  7. vanishingvixen
    Yesterday, I was overcome by some type of "bug" out of the blue. Vomitting, hershey squirts, intense abdominal pain, fever...all seemingly out of nowhere, in the middle of the day. I didn't eat anything strange...and it seems to have passed.
     
    My husband mentioned that it "could" possibly be the recent changes in my eating. Has this happened to anyone? I
    haven't "officially" started my physician approved diet because my surgical consult isn't until Monday...but I HAVE drastically changed my eating habits, and will continue for the duration (3-4 small healthy meals/day, water, increase in fruit & veggies, etc)
     
    Has this happened to anyone???
  8. vanishingvixen
    Vanishing Vixen.
     
    Vanishing…
     
    An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker... as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. :bored: *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already...as if I plan to "vanish" into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I'm so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the "big") that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.
     
    *really ruminating & marinating on the implications*
     
    I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous :tt1:(most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I'm a MAC Make-up artist, or I'm rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels...what woman wouldn't want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* :tt2:) Go figure. But... $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous...I just haven't been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*
     
    It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I'm in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.
     
    Why is that?
     
    The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less.
    I'm a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new "MeMe" (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I'm ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it - let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game - in more ways than one. :tt2: So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few "ah ha!" moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*
     
    IDK...
     
    Is it even really that serious? *lol*
     
    I'm hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can't get out of my own head. But that doesn't make me crazy...it makes me human. And blogging it...helps me *relax.relate.release* it all.
    I'm not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is...and I am who I am. And what I've realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally "seem" to have their $h!t together...don't. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me.:glare: But nobody did [ask]... Oh well!
     
    I’m keeping on…keeping on…
  9. vanishingvixen

    Random

    By vanishingvixen,

    // Note: from time to time I will be promoting my side hustle - GGX Jewels...as it also plays a part in paying for my surgery out-of pocket expenses and body lift nest egg. Please support your lovable neightborhood Fat Girl! // Be one of the first to subscribe to the new GGX You Tube channel and you could win a FREE pair of Sterling Silver earrings!
    Hop to it!
  10. vanishingvixen

    Out of Sorts

    By vanishingvixen,

    if I’m just horomonal this week, or if it’s just a combination of so much going on in my life at one time. But I’m feeling like I’m crazy to think ill ever be “size healthy” (thanks to my girl Aja S. For that term *lol*) Now, I’ve always been comfortable being a “Size Sexy” chick (ie: “Good looking & well put together for a Plus-sized woman”. I heard LL Cool J use that term about 5 yrs ago while hosting the +size portion of the Rip the Runway fashion show on BET) in theory, at least – until recently. Not how I looked, but literally…how I felt/feel in my skin/clothes. If you know me/have seen me personally, I do, in fact carry this 300# well. I think that’s why some folks (excluding my closest friends) were shocked when they found out I was going to have WLS. The general response even from my nurses at the Dr’s office was: “But why? You look good girl! Now you tryna get all skinny?” No. I’m not trying to get skinny. I’m unconcerned with being a size 8 or 10 or even 12 for that matter. In fact, personally…I’d be most comfortable in the size 14-16 range (at whatever weight). I just want to be healthy is whatever ways that is. Taking off some of this dead weight, eating healthier, and being more active. Thereby increasing my lifespan (prayerfully) The “out of sorts” part comes in b/c as I’ve said, I’ve been doing a lot of research about the Lap Band. I joined a LB forum and have been communicating with lots of folks, and reading their personal journeys. Most, I’d say 80% have done extreamly well (versus gastric bypass, or the gastric sleeve that are also available). Then there are some, who’s weightloss is so slight (10lbs in a 3 month time period) that the whole thing seems pointless. *sigh* I just hope & pray that I’m not one that this is just a wasted effort. A moot experience altogether… Oh, I know what probably brought on this sudden moodswing of mine also. I went & bought a scale last night so that I can monitor my progress. *straightface* All my efforts of the past week have resulted in gaining a pound. WTF!? Working out, eating significantly smaller portions and controlling my fat intake. Drinking 64oz water each day. 3 square meals + nutricious snacks. Then my husband gets on the scale and has lost 5lbs – the only change in his eating has been a salad or two. *pulling my hair out* Needless to say, the scale is going back to the store – lest it discourages me to the point of journey derailment. So goes the life and ramblings of a Fat Girl…
  11. vanishingvixen
    (and a possible body lift, after I've kept the wait off for a year or more)...I will be on my super grind making jewelry (this of course, is in addition to my FT 9-5 job) check it out... especially for the ladies that are feeling EXTRA fine in their new bodies :thumbup:: www.ggxjewels.com
     
    Also - for those that have already had the surgery...what type of out of pocket expenses did you incur? I'm trying to build me a little LBS nest egg during my 6-9 month wait...
  12. vanishingvixen
    I'm sure I'll have to be creative...but so far, so good.
     
    Posting the link, onmly b/c it's far too much work to have to cross-post everything from my main blog!
     
    http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/recipes/
  13. vanishingvixen
    “…I’m full but want a tasty treat…”
     
    *sigh*
     
    Undoubtedly, my "midnight feedings" – in which I pace in the kitchen & look for that special something to satisfy & sate (usually something sweet), usually between the hours of 11pm-1am – are the hardest part of this journey for me.
     
    I remember a time in the not too distant past that I would run the water in the kitchen to drown out the sound of my cabinet rummaging and cellophane paper wrap krinkling from the little debbie snack I’d try to sneak back into the bedroom.
     
    I should be ashamed *hangs head*:thumbup:
     
    I think its a step forward that I’m starting to notice my patterns and put an end to them. I’m sure there’s always a chance to relapse, but at least by not keeping the junk in the house anymore, my choices are limited. Of course, I will ALWAYS and FOREVER keep the obligatory chocolate candy bar stashed away “in case of emergency”…but even then, it’s just ONE bar, not an entire bag of mini’s
     
    Old habits die hard, its true. But new habits live in the light, to be nourished and cultivated into a way of life.
     
    I can do this. I. WILL. DO. THIS.
     
    *praying*
    “Jesus be an appetite suppresant”
     
    *then singing and channeling Carried Underwood*
     
    Jesus, take the wheel…
  14. vanishingvixen
    Check it out here: http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/food-journal/
     
    NOTE:
     
    What I'm eating may "seem" like alot - but TRUST - this is but a mere fraction of what I used to eat. I was given the advice to journal everything I eat, cut my portions & add water. (thanks @btrieger :thumbup:) I also check out my food choices on this site: http://caloriecount.about.com/
  15. vanishingvixen
    Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN. It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents - especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids.
     
    My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate...but I caught the looks of other parents - at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of...pity. I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child - yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed...for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler.
     
    Now, in my defense - GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G'ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn't mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I've seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface*
     
    I'm on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I'm overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image...which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now.
     
    I'm on my way to a better life...and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won't remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees...but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her. IDK...reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way.
     
    Today - I'm going to hold my head high as we venture to yet another mall. And I DARE a mofo to give me the Fat Mommy glare.
  16. vanishingvixen
    *entering the room dancing to Destiny's Child singing "I don't think ya readdddy fa this jelllllyyyy"*
     
     
     
    Ok, so. I know that I have some concerns about my post-weight loss body. But realistically, looking at me bucket nayket now aint no picnic either :closedeyes: (maybe for my husband, bless him wittle heart). I know I can’t stand too much of my own self. Things jiggle and sag and weeble-wobble now. So, I’m not naïve enough to think that just because I lose some poundage, means that I’m gonna turn into Beyonce…Gee’once, maybe *smirk*, but I digress…
     
     
     
     
    ALTHOUGH, in my mind…I’ve fast-forwarded about a year or so. And I can actually SEE a smaller, more healthy me. :thumbup:I’ve never been there before. And mayhaps that was the problem. *shrug* What I do know, is my saggalicious, droopylicious self is STILL gonna revel in how far I’ve come & gone. Ill hook up the breasticles in a new LB balconette bra and make them shine like the stars they are. I’ll coax the SPANX that ill have to sweet talk into undertaking the monumental task of turning “flab into fab”. Buy a new figure-friendly LBD, and perhaps I may be able to throw on a pair of sexy high heels long enough to turn a few heads and strut the “Skank [Ho] Walk” I learned in my Urban Striptease workout (gotta love On Demand cable program. Exercise TV is awesomeness) *head nod*
     
     
    :rolleyes:Yup. I justttttt miiiight.
     
     
     
    Btw – my bosslady (who also has WLS and looks fabulous) said to *possibly* expect the ending or stressing of friendships/familial relationships and possible spousal jealousy. *exaggerated sigh*
     
     
    I really have been blessed in terms of my family & friends, so I don’t anticipate that area being an issue for me. But I guess any & everything is possible. Prayerfully those in my corner will stay there – even when I’m too high off my own supply *innocent grin* I know my tried & true peeps will chin-check me quick & without hesitation *lol*
     
     
    This whole experience is reminding me of when I was with-child. So excited and anticipatory. Wondering “when am I gonna see my baby bump” “when can I finally hold my baby”. All that stuff I worried everyone to death about…and then one day: bam – She was here! The only thing that’s different is that this experience will end with a REbirth…of self. Saggy. Jiggly. Jellified.
     
     
     
    So, yeah. I’m ready. But I’m not certain the world is.*pondering for a brief moment*
     
     
    NaHhhhh. I don’t think ANY one is ready fa THIS jelly. :tt1:
  17. vanishingvixen

    shEmotions

    By vanishingvixen,

    **enters the room singing to the tune of Whitney’s “So emotional”: I get sooooo emotional baybe, everytime I think of FOOOOOOOOOD! **
     
    Happy Friday faithful few -
     
    Yesterday was an emotional doozy. At least the last half was. That tends to happen when things are really going well. When I’m mentally & spiritually focused and on my grind. But such as life. The devil is a micky-flickin LIYAH!! *tripple dawg daring him to even THINK about looking my way today* He gets NO play over here. :thumbdown:
     
    This here post will serve as a reminder that no matter the circumstances, I (we) can make better food choices. It bears repeating that I am mostly a total emotional eater. In order to stay my course, I have to break that cycle. (more like forcing myself into submission via suplex, then headlock)
     
    See, for me – here’s how it works for me: quite simply…if I don’t keep it in the house (ie: snack cakes, junkfood, unhealthy snacks, soda, whatever) I can’t get to it when $h!t goes down. If I keep healthier foods in the house, I won’t sabatoge myself when I’m on a mad dash to shove something in my mouth in an effort to self-soothe. :tt1:
     
    It sounds really simple, huh? Not so much. But in theory, its what I know will work for me. If its not there, I can’t gorge/graze on it. If I just HAVE to put something in my mouth, it will be something that I know won’t totally derail me. Besides, I’ve found there are plenty of treats to sate my oral fixation & sweet tooth. Fudgepops are one good indulgence (its not my fault it shaped like a phallus, but hey that could be considered a benefit *shrug*) :tt2: Low fat. And/or fat free at 40-60 cals a pop. Even if I eat 3 (which I haven’t *lol*) no skin off my teeth. And also those 100 mini bags of stuff likr choco pretzels, or cookies, or what have you.
     
    I’m no expert, but I DAMN sure know that a night like last night would have sent me running back into my ex-Lover’s arms. :drool: Me & some cupcakes or a whole quart of ice cream would have be getting. It. IN. *going churchified* But I rebuke thee, oh Devils of Deliciousness. Get thee behind me, Little Debbie, you Jezebel! You Harlot!
     
    Woooosahhhh. :closedeyes: It all alright. I woke up this morning feeling good. I know that there will be plenty more opportunities for me to screw up. But yesterday wasn’t the day. (And today won’t be either *hmph*)
  18. vanishingvixen
    Today, my love affair with food ended. He has always been the one constant in my life. And like any other relationship I've had, we'll probably try to make it work a few more times, before it resonates in my spirit that... it. is. indeed. OVER. Not because I want it to be, but because it HAS to be. *sigh*What once consumed almost every thought & desire...will give way to a new, enlightened way of thinking, living, and being.
     
     
    Health, is my NEW man. The lover of my soul and my future.
    Gone will be the days of secretly spooning in the bed with and entire bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion chips, or making out with my homegirl Lil' Deb *holla*. I'll have to pass on the cupcakeS, and be content with just one, on occasion - Not the 3 or 4 or 7 a week as I have done in the past.
     
     
    And like any relationship when it ends, I have to look at myself in the mirror as a newly "single" woman, wipe away the tears, and acknowledge how difficult the road ahead would be without my tried & true Lover. Food has been there at the ready to comfort me through it all: the heartache, the heart break, disappointments, and even the times of celebration. But now, I have to learn to put the relationship in it's proper place: one of necessity, not over-indulgence... One of sustenance, not sabotage.
     
     
     
    Of course, I still have to meet up with food - a more casual relationship of sorts. I just can no longer take it as my "one & only". *sigh*
     
     
    It's been a long time coming. 15 years or more. It was inevitable. And no matter how I've tried to fight it, I knew that at some point in life I would have to choose. I'll take an infamous line from Samantha Jones here (Sex & The City, SHEESH!):
     
     
     
    [Dear Food,]
     
     
    "I love you...But I love ME more." *xoxo*
     
     
    Yours in Health & Fabulousness,
     
     
    Vixen
  19. vanishingvixen
    Today was full of highs & lows. Certainty & uncertainty. Hope & doubt.
     
     
    I had my physical exam to try and set things off on the right foot. Especially since I know that Dr. monitored weight loss is part of the deal when it comes to getting to the surgery date. I found out I have a “mild” heart murmur, which did not please the queen at. ALL. But the good thing is that my doc said he will try to help the process along as much as possible.
     
     
    I also went to my first meeting at the Fat Surgeon’s office. *straightface* (some of the BIGGEST waiting room chairs I’ve EVER seen. And a “cattle” scale to boot.) GREAT info session that provided me with info that I hadn’t thought about. I may ultimately decide to take a route other than the Lap Band – totally dependent on what is/isn’t covered by my insurance -but at this point, I’m going with my gut. (no pun intended)
     
     
     
     
    So, maybe I just need to chalk it up to my own ignorance…but the process leading to actually scheduling the surgery is ALOT longer than I anticipated. Granted, I have limited first hand knowledge, and everyone’s experience is different. But, I was told [in general] to expect a 3 month (best case) to 1 year (worst case) wait before my actual surgery date. Of course there are 100/50/11 tons of paperwork, and testing, and evaluations, and re-DUNK-ulous insurance “stuff” to be handled. Hell, my insurance may not even approve it. (tho according to the requirements for candidacy, I’m a shoe-in). I am starting to get concerned about the possibility that I may be denied. Which will leave me at big, fat, square one.
     
     
     
     
    I did find that I’ll be able to utilize some of my own resources (ie: my own doctors) to get some of the pre-requisites accomplished (psyche eval, medical clearance, etc). But I also found that to land on the closer end of the surgery date spectrum (for me, best case is looking like a September surgery date) I could do a “one stop shop” at the surgical facility. Bad news is that will add on some out-of-pocket costs on my end. *sigh*
    What to do, what to do? (tho im not even sure I’ll even have a say – I gotta see what Aetna is talking about first.)
     
     
     
     
    What I *DO* know is: I grossly underestimated how convoluted the process is for me to go from my dream to my destiny. Admittedly, I left there feeling a little discouraged. All of the what-if’s and uncertainty is like’ta give me a friggen anxiety attack.I have my “official” consultation – my own personal path forward – scheduled for March 15. Things should be clearer by then.
     
     
     
     
    On another note: Day 1 of operation Skinny Cow (an oxymoron, I know. A cow can only be so skinny. I get it. But it seemed to fit my mood today *lol*)I think I’ll make my food journal entries separate from here on out. Just consider today a 2 for 1 special.
    Starting point: 300#
     
    Fatty Girl Food Journal:
     

    Bowl of Life Cereal w/soy milk
    small slice cheese pizza
    1/2 grilled chicken quesedilla w/low fat cheese
    1 fudge pop (a surprisingly good treat @ only 60 calories!)
    fresh apple juice

    I feel pretty full, but my daily diet leaves alot to be desired. I’ll have to consume more food/healthy snacks spread out over the course of the day. But seriously, just looking at it – this is a STELLAR performance for me considering… I definitely need to work in more water, alot less juice, and add some veggies. No problem. Today was just one of those kinds of days. Btu I’m proud.
    *yawn*
     
     
    It’s been a long day. I’m calling it a night… Maybe my outlook will be better in the morning. Time to take it to God in prayer! What’s meant to be…WILL!
  20. vanishingvixen
    www.twitter.com/starrdusstt
    www.twitter.com/vanishingvixen
     
    OH yeah - I'm also a jewelry artist. This will be a great benefit during my journey as I need to divert my attention from food...I can refocus on my craft. check me out! :rolleyes2:
    www.ggxjewels.com
  21. vanishingvixen
    What is it about food that can cause some people to become totally addicted to it, while others have a perfectly normal (even sometimes disconnected association) relationship with it?
     
     
     
     
    I’m an emotional eater. When I’m happy, sad, angry, excited, depressed…I look for something to put into my mouth that will help me process or celebrate said emotions. I love the taste, the texture, the smell, the appeal…of some good food. I LOVE FOOD. (Obviously. Have you seen me?) But I absolutely abhor what I’ve allowed it to do to me/my appearance/my health. But WHY I love food so, I don’t really know.
     
     
     
     
    Yesterday I went to Medieval times for my birthday dinner. Standard fare there? An entire HALF of a roasted chicken, spare rib, half of a roasted potato, garlic bread, bowl of soup & an apple turnover. THIS is what they serve for just one person. (Is there any wonder why most ppl in the US are overweight?? *sigh*) While I thoroughly enjoyed the grub, I’m happy to say that i only ate about HALF of what was served.
     
     
     
     
     
    I feel like I’m mentally preparing myself by seriously re-considering my food choices & portions..which is a good thing. I also have a 30-day supply of slim-shots in the mail, that should help with this jump-start diet that will be required of me.

     
    enroute to Medieval Times to grub
     
     
     
     
     
    That’s tomorrow. TODAY? I’m gonna eat like the fat girl that I am. For the LAST time, I will make food my love-slave. I’ll make love to some bacon, and give pasta some good head…I’ll fondle some chocolate, and make-out with a Martini.
     
     
     
     
    I understand that starting tomorrow, the way I relate to food will have to change (tho strangely, I think in my head, I “get it”…I just decided to allow myself to have what I wanted this weekend. I haven’t gone anywhere near as overboard as I thought I would or have even desired to. go figure!) I just haven’t totally figured out how to go from having a love affair with food, to putting that relationship in it’s proper place: sustenance, nutrition, and necessity. That, by far, is the most challenging aspect of this entire thing. Eating to live…not living to eat.
     
     
     
    Now there’s a novel idea *smirk*
  22. vanishingvixen
    It was a long night. 50/11grillion things running thru my head. A plethora of feelings and mixed emotions. Very little sleep.
    I’m having 2nd and 3rd and 4th thoughts about this entire thing. Yet another reason I decided to blog the journey – accountability. And the fact that once I let the blogosphere know my plans, by obligation and not wanting to looking foolish, I know ill persevere.
     

     
    what will become me??
     
     
     
     
    I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a lot of my concerns are about vanity. What the man in my life will think of my appearance sans clothes in a year from now. After all, he’s been here with me thru the thick of it. Or fat of it, as it were. I’ve gained about 30lbs since we met… most post-baby. (Ironically, so has he) But for the most part, I pretty much look the same.
     
     
    He’s used to my fluff. And he’s a boobman. The fullness of my breasts (which happen to be my 2nd best feature – the first is my awesome firely red mane!) are bound to be the first thing to go. There may be some hope for them, because even at my smallest, I’ve been busty…but I somehow doubt they’ll shrink up “nice & perky” (from training bra to C-cup over the course of a summer…and from there, I rested comfortably at a full D/DD until the last few years as I’ve picked up weight). I’ve seen & heard what happens to the boobs when you lose a lot of weight, and I’m not looking forward to it. There. I said it! *eyeroll*
     
     
    Now, the other part of my body where I carry the most weight is my thighs. I shutter to think what will become of them aesthetically. But it will be kinda nice to wear a pair of stockings/tights without the burning of my delicate thigh meat from the incessant rubbing together as I walk. I might even be able to cross my legs all lady-like for the first time. A definite bonus! But, will I look like a 97 year old woman?
    Of course Bertha the Belly is bound to go missing. But will she go missing hanging down around my knee caps is the question. *face twisted*
     
     
    I know. I know. I KNOW that this is about health. But my own thoughts about this process are leading me to want to do a lot more research on the mental/emotional space of folks who have lost a drastic amount of weight. I know I’ve gained roughly 50-75lbs over the span of 10 yrs. And it will be nice to be back down to a “respectable” size. But will I be depressed because my body won’t look the same as I did back then?
     
     
    I’m pretty solid. I don’t have a big Buddha belly. I’m compact. Fairly proportionate. And until I blasted my weight for the whole world to see, most folk don’t have a clue I weigh so much. So I’d like to think that I carry it “well”. But how “well” will I be carrying this smaller figure 365 days from now? That remains to be seen…
     
     
    All I know is I need to go ahead and buy some stock in the company that sells SPANX, because imma be a foundation/compression wearin fool. *hmmmmm* Maybe if I wear those for the duration of the process, it will help my skin be tighter? Just a thought. Though ill miss my days of traipsing around the house butterballbooty bucketnayket…a smaller me, may make for a more modest me.
     
     
    But somehow I doubt it! *lol*
  23. vanishingvixen
    10/2009
     
    Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like.
     
    Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug*
     
     
    With that said…
    I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago.
     

    8/2008


     
     
     
    *smh kinda confused*
    Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it…
     
     
    Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do??
     
     



    9/2002
     
     
     
    I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now.
     
     
    I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good.
     
     
    I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited.
     
     
    I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there.
     

    1/2010


     
     
    Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life.
    Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*

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