Skip to content
View in the app

A better way to browse. Learn more.
BariatricPal

A full-screen app on your home screen with push notifications, badges and more.

To install this app on iOS and iPadOS
  1. Tap the Share icon in Safari
  2. Scroll the menu and tap Add to Home Screen.
  3. Tap Add in the top-right corner.
To install this app on Android
  1. Tap the 3-dot menu (⋮) in the top-right corner of the browser.
  2. Tap Add to Home screen or Install app.
  3. Confirm by tapping Install.

Join BariatricPal free

  • Ask your own questions
  • Reply and follow topics
  • Message other members
  • No cost, no spam
Create free account

RavenClaw779

LAP-BAND Patients

  • Joined

  • Last visited

View Profile Find content

Blog Entries posted by RavenClaw779

  1. Anxiety Attack

    · RavenClaw779 · 03/03/2010 15:46

    I make no secret about being claustrophobic and it's no secret that many people with claustrophobia have other anxiety issues.
    My first ever anxiety attack was five years ago when I was juggling a 70 hr a week job, and coordinating a 1,000 mile move for my husband and I. It happened at night - my husband was away on business. I was sitting on the couch and suddenly felt my heart pounding and like I just wanted to run...out of the house and into the dark. It passed but several days later I was working at my desk(at home - I telecommute) and it happened again. I took my BP - 150/120! I called my doctor thinking I was having a heart attack. An EKG and blood test were fine so the doctor gave me a couple of RX anti-anxiety meds and I slept for two days.
    The anxiety only manifests itself now when faced with closed spaces like MRI's. It tweeks me a bit for things like CT scans and really pinched for the whole CPAP event.
    I had a minor "attack" last night while watching TV and it's almost embarassing to recount. A Taco Bell commercial came on and I thought to myself, "I'll never be able to eat a burrito again let again a whole one..." This segued into thoughts of blockage, of no solid food, of the foreign object in my body. No, it wasn't a full blown attack - I can usually distract myself from that, but it sucks how weak willed it makes me feel. Like I haven't got my sh-- together.
  2. Instructions from the surgeon's office, "Take 2 Tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia and a Fleet Enema at 7pm the day before surgery". Beyond the concept of giving myself an enema:crying:, isn't the MOM suppose to send it out the door and the Fleet to sweep the remnants away? Figuring that these two events weren't going to happen immediately and knowing my body, I did a test run this weekend - of the MOM not the Fleet. It took 4 hours for the MOM to kick in and then I was in the bathroom 11 times over the next 7 hours.
    I checked with my PCP - thankfully he told me to back up the MOM dosage and wait until I was "all clear" before part two.

  3. The Ongoing CPAP Saga

    · RavenClaw779 · 03/03/2010 01:22

    Today I got a phone call at work from "Lincare" calling to set up an appt to fit me with a "BiPap". The first opening was 3/17! I explained that I'm only doing this as a condition for surgery which is scheduled for 3/9. Magically, they're able to see me on 3/4 and even more incredible - they already have my insurance info and plan # - excuse me, isn't that my private info to disclose?
    Hopefully I can lease rather than buy something I doubt I'll use beyond my surgery date.
  4. Got the once over from my primary doctor; review of vitals, meds, allergies, urine screening. Together we reviewed the reports from the cardiologist(no concerns), the abdominal ultrasound, upper GI, chest x-ray - all normal. In fact after Friday's appt. with the surgeon and the diagnosis of "fatty liver" I was researching on WebMD and Mayo Clinic and getting worried, so I asked my doctor about it. He said that it's commen in obese patients, but that according to the ultrasound, and the radiologist's report, my liver was of normal size and condition - no mention of "fatty liver"?!
     
    Was also talked about the need of a CPAP and reviewed the report from the pulmonologist. My doc was stumped as to why the report states, "no indication of sleep apnea" but the pulmonologist put the sleep lab/cpap in as a recommended follow up.
     
    My doctor told me to have the surgeon call him and he would support me not having a cpap.
    Hope I don't end up having gone through all this for nothing.
  5. Took my husband with me for the last meeting with my surgeon. She is pleased with my weight loss(21-25 lbs depending on time of day and level of dress:ohmy:), told me that all my tests came out clear but advised that I have a "fatty liver":sad:.
    My husband's concerns were addressed - still can't believe he thought the port was going to hang out of my body!?! What - like the tag on a stuffed animal!?
     
    PAT's were a repeat of tests done several weeks ago plus a pregnancy test. Strange to have to have that done as I've been POST MENOPAUSAL(surgical) since 2007!?!
    Guess this is another sign the insurance industry needs reform - test after pointless test to hedge against any kind of lawsuit.
     
    Told the surgeon about my CPAP failure and asked what happens now? She's going to have her patient case coordinator follow up with the pulmonologist but she made it pretty clear - No CPAP - No Surgery. So slap one one me in the recovery room.

  6. CPAP Crap

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/26/2010 14:37

    Drove 45 minutes through a driving rain/snow mix to my mandatory CPAP fitting/sleep study. Dutifully put on my PJ's at 7pm and had wires attached to my scalp with what looked like balls of lard. Add to this 2 EKG moniters, an elastic sensor belt around my chest and another on my waist, moniters on each leg and a pulse-ox moniter on my finger. Gee - don't I feel snoozy?
    Then put me in a too warm room(again) where the hospital's over head central heat system sounds like the runway at JFK and hook up a miniature torture device complete with a built in bubbling humidifier - the CPAP. Started out with one that covered my entire nose attached with straps around my head. It felt like an octopus was attached to my face. Not good for a claustrophobic like me. I tossed and turned for a good 2 hours before begging them to take it off. I was feeling stressed out, heart racing and panicky. A trip to the bathroom revealed a big red ring around my nose. The nurse insisted that because I was doing this for surgery I had to put it or an alternative back on. The alternative - what looked like two mini button mushrooms; one in each nostril. Again strapped to my head - this thing was pushing air up my nose to the point it felt like it was breathing for me. Attempt to open your mouth or pull it a bit away from you face to adjust it and it clamped on like an alien life form. Laid awake for another three hours before asking to get up to use the bathroom. Since it was 5am the nurse said I could just go ahead and get up - she'd unwire me. I asked her if she got what she needed and she said that she hadn't since I didn't sleep. I apologized, but I am a serious life-long light sleeper who needs a cool, dark room and quiet. I asked if this would hold up my surgery - she told me I'd have to discuss this with my doctor.
    Odd thing is - earlier in the evening I asked her if everyone having elective surgery has to go to sleep lab. She told me that it's pretty much standard that all bariactric patients go...Interesting, considering I have no markers for sleep apnea. Does make me question how much of this testing it just wheel spinning and profit driven.:smile:
  7. Still no adjustment to my claims re; the PsyD I had to pay out-of-pocket, so I called BCBS for a status report. Oops - It was "bumped back" for lack of a service date. "That's odd?", I said - "It's right there in the invoice...". After sending me an email telling me their going to give me full credit toward my deductible for this out-of-pocket payment, now they're telling me that since claims have already been posted and attributed toward my deductible, the PsyD has to submit the claim, reimburse me and wait for the EOB to see what if anything she can bill me. Apparently BCBS left a lengthy message for the PsyD today...a week after I call in the incident.
    Want to guess how long this is going to take?:smile:

  8. Thoughts on Insurance

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/25/2010 20:41

    There was a forum question re; doctors "scamming" patients which got me thinking.
    I have a commercial insurance background and stay on top of my medical insurance claims as I've had a number of denials over the years which were actually mistakes on the part of the carrier's claims adjustor.
     
    Sadly, turnover in insurance companies is high. Burnout especially in the claims area is understandable due to the stress. Often the people hired have minimal experience in the field and no medical background. It really is in your best interest to know your policy and ask questions.
     
    I don't think the United States needs universal health care, but we sure do need reform and oversight. Here are some great example from my own claims generating from the pre-surgical process:
     
    *Basic Bloodwork
    $832(Billed to BCBS); $104 (BCBS - Allowed)
    - Required although I'd just had bi-annual labs with my primary two months prior.
     
    *Medifast Nurse (15mins)
    $82.22(Billed to BCBS); $22.93 (BCBS - Allowed)
    - Didn't even include the Medifast product
     
    *Pulmonologist (30 mins)
    $263 (Billed to BCBS); $134(BCBS - Allowed)
    - Wow; he asked the same questions already asked by another dept at the same facility and available online. Listened to my heart and lungs and told me that despite no flags for sleep apnea I had to go to sleep lab and have another "pre-surgical" appt with him.
     
    This is why I love the Mayo Clinic. Their doctors are salaried and while their services are not cheap, they test because it's necessary not to gin up charges.
  9. Was hoping to avoid that second trip to the sleep lab tonight - using my unplowed 90' driveway of snow as an excuse...sadly, must go or the surgeon will cancel the surgery. Guess the hubs better get home early and get to work shoveling:laugh:
     
    Was so hungry yesterday I ate a couple of whole grain waffles and a bagel. Was prepared for the worst when I stepped on the scale. DOWN - to within a pound and a half of my pre-surgery goal weight.
    My nutritionist said that when you're on an extremely low calorie fasting diet, your metabolism slows down to accommedate less fuel coming in. By eating a little more I "tricked" my body into feeling like everything's status quo.
     
    Added one packet of nutrasweet to the Jillian Michaels shake - cuts that horrid stevia bittersweet aftertaste. Managed to choke it down...

  10. Not Hungry

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/24/2010 15:31

    (Must be boring everyone to death - no one has any comments...)
     
    Two weeks from surgery. I found I was allergic to the MediFast shakes with the soy so I changed to the MediFast "cold drinks" (per the nurse - "no soy"). I'm to have five shakes a day plus add'l protein as needed. I've now had "the runs" for two days and just the thought of eating anything makes me feel sick. Still 3 pounds from pre-surgery goal weight.

  11. The Psycho PsyD

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/23/2010 18:21

    Here's a laugh...a gal from my baratric support group and a family friend both saw the same PsyD as I did and we all came to the conclusion that this woman was nuts or just doing it for the money.
     
    In my case she asked me over the phone for my insurance info so she could confirm my coverage. At the consult she told me since I hadn't met my deductible I'd have to pay her out of pocket then and there. When I told her this wasn't the way my plan worked she had a mini-meltdown and I ponied up rather than to reschedule what turned out to be pointless.
     
    She wasn't able to finish the survey and had to call me one night the following week to finish up!?! Then she emailed me my invoice and told me she'd also file it with my insurance company. When she didn't, I sent her a reminder note and she told me that since she'd sent me the invoice it was my job to handle reimbursement!?!?
     
    I called my insurance company to find out how to do this and they told me it was her job and that she'd overcharged me - i.e., not the negotiated rate for my carrier. They're planning to review her contract and advise her that she's in the wrong!:rolleyes2:

  12. Sleep Lab Part Deux

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/23/2010 17:08

    What a surprise - despite no hallmarks for sleep apnea I was forced to go to the sleep lab and attempt to sleep in a hot room with two loud fans and wires all over my head and face plus two tight elastic bands across my chest. Now I have to go back to be fitted for a CPAP(cha-ching$$$). I keep hearing this scenario from other patients - that it's almost pre-decided you have sleep apnea...:rolleyes2:

  13. Diet Fatigue

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/22/2010 17:08

    I'm within three pounds of my goal weight for surgery and not really hungry. But I am so tired I can hardly muster the energy to do the laundry. As a rather fanatical housekeeper, this ain't good.
    Big snow storm coming and my husband is going out of town on business. Since he's refused to buy a snowblower(he prefers to shovel our 90' driveway by hand?!!) he's suggested I just get an early start tomorrow shoveling. Had to so say no to that one - like I could shovel this monster on under 500 calories??:rolleyes2:

  15. Nutrition Meeting

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/20/2010 00:29

    I have my own nutritionist who I've been working with for a while, but I was required to meet with a nutritionist affliated with the hospital. Guess I expected more from the meeting. I wasn't weighed or asked how the Medifast was going. The nutritionist was a recent grad with little personality. The only way I caught her name was by her ID tag. She acted bored and as if she was dealing with an idiot. Let me guess - if you're fat, you're probably a dunce. She had all her required checklists all lined up in a rack and was whipping them out like a well-oiled machine. We went through the same questions I answered before my first visit with the surgeon, and during my psych consult. She read the Post-Surgical diet to me and told me to call if I had any problems. Meanwhile her phone line rang and rang. Methinks I'll be calling my own nutritionist.:redface:

  16. The (No) Sleep Lab

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/20/2010 00:20

    Checked in at 7pm and immediately had to get into my PJ's. Thought it odd until the whole wiring process began - took almost an hour. Nice room - set up like a hotel with a half bath, but way too warm for me. And since I usually go to bed between 11:30 and 1:00am, 10:30pm was tough.
     
    Barely slept - too warm, two fans going was unbelievably loud - sort of felt like a hot summer night when the A/C has died and you dooze at most. I'm punchy now and ready for bed - it's only 7pm!

  17. Cardiologist

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/20/2010 00:14

    Spent five hours yesterday at the cardiologist. Had a nuclear stress test. They inject a radioactive isotope wait and hour, do some films(like a mini-CT), hook you up to the EKG/Treadmill, bring you to a target heart rate and then have you sit for another hour before doing a second set of films.
    Then I had an echocardiogram - mostly because I've had chemotherapy and it can damage the heart. No word yet from the doctor but the tech said that if they'd seen anything they'd have had me stay so...no news is good news.

  18. Pre-Surgical Testing

    · RavenClaw779 · 02/18/2010 00:56

    A fun week so far - and it's only Wednesday. Had the upper GI series, chest xray and abdominal Ultra Sound on Monday plus the blood gases and PFT - none was too terrible. Drinking the barium was awful - a banana/vanilla cup of sludge..but actually better than Medifast and it sits in your gut like a rock! A definate appetite killer!
    Tomorrow it's four hours of nuclear stress testing and an echocardiogram then on to the sleep lab followed my the nutritionist on Friday. I get off easy next week - just the PAT's and meeting with the surgeon on Friday. Got a message from the patient coordinator that they want to move my surgery up a day, but that was two days ago and I haven't managed to get her to call me back!
  19. I've been struggling since my Pre-Op MediFast start date of 2/1...
    The first three days I dropped three pounds but by that weekend I was covered in hives and running to the bathroom. Soy allergy. Between the cringe worthy beef broth and the awful tasting MediFast I lapse into - No, not non-nutrious eating - but eating real(GASP) foods. Back came the three pounds.
    Now I'm using Jillian Michaels' Whey Powder(same counts as Medifast, trace soy, taste is passable) and it seems to be clicking. Switched to "Kitchen Basics" Veg Broth - acceptable and am sticking to the plan. Oddly enough, I feel okay and actually feel like I have more energy.
    My poor husband is trying to eat what I do for dinner(except more) - tonight's fare (salmon,steamed broccoli and a cup of lettuce) didn't do it for him. Do we have any frozen pizza in basement freezer?!:confused:
  20. Reasons for Weight Loss Surgery Part 1
     
    I was a normal weight child and very active - a “Tomboy”. My home life at best was dysfunctional , at worst, physically and emotionally abusive.
    Food and access to food was controlled by my mother. You ate what was put on your plate and if you didn’t finish by the time everyone else had, you sat there until you did. Didn’t finish? Your plate was put in the refrigerator and served again at breakfast and again until you ate it.
    You were not allowed to help yourself to something to eat in between meals and there were no “after school snacks” unless I had a friend over. When I had company, treats like milk and cookies were offered but I knew better than to have any - as soon as the other child had gone home, I’d be castigated for having eaten the “treats” which were “just for company“.
    I was also schooled not to accept any snacks at a playmates’ house. If by chance the other parent mentioned to my mother that, “the kids had a snack of…“ as soon we got home I would be punished.
     
    Food and the withholding of food figured prominently in our disciplining. Poor grade on a test - I was sent to my room to await my father’s return from work. At which point I would be beaten with a belt and sent to bed with no dinner. Accused of “back talking” - sent to my room to write 1,000 sentences; “I will not back talk” - and provided an apple and a glass of milk per day until the task was completed.
     
    My mother designated food as belonging to certain people; “your father’s cookies”, “my ice cream”. To ensure my brothers and I didn’t, “steal” or “sneak” food, it was often hidden. When I was 9 or 10, my younger brother already had a weight problem so to ensure neither of us were eating outside of my mother’s control, we were locked in our rooms at night.
     
    Mealtime was itself was a miserable experience. My father would come home from work to down a pitcher of martinis and as my mother would harangue about a variety of issues, we would sit down to dinner. To deflect my father’s anger away from her, my mother would pick a scapegoat. Usually, it was me. Both of my parents made it clear from the time I was a small child that they hadn’t wanted a daughter, thus I was fair game for humiliation for any shortcomings ranging from a poor grade or a messy room to not being invited to a party. More often than not the verbal abuse would denigrate to being slapped, punched or dragged by my hair from the room before being beaten with a belt. I learned to eat fast and get away from the table as quickly as possible.
     
    At age 13, my mother became concerned that I was getting, “too fat” and took me to the pediatrician for my annual physical. The doctor assured her my weight was normal and that I was developing into a woman. As we left the doctor’s office my mother told me that she, “Didn’t care what the doctor said - you’re going on a diet!“.
     
    I tend to recall that day as the day my problems with food really started.
     
    My mother was an expert dieter - 5’6’’ and no more than 118 pounds ever. Extremely proud that at the birth of her last child, my second brother, she’d gained no weight, her eating habits were poor: coffee and a cigarette for breakfast, a weight loss shake for lunch, minimal servings of whatever we had for dinner, followed by a large serving of frozen yogurt for dessert.
     
    Following the fateful doctor visit, the focus on my weight became excruciating as did the rules. No bread, no dessert, breakfast of coffee and orange juice only. My lunch was packed for me daily and was the same thing - dry tuna, an apple, a thermos of skim milk. Dinner was portioned out by my mother - no seconds allowed. We did not celebrate my birthday one year as I was “too fat”. Now in high school, the control over my eating extended to my personal life. My mother went though my drawers, reading notes from friends, refusing to allow me to drive, or work, putting me on social restrictions for months.
    Despite this I was a solid B+ student, class officer and involved in numerous clubs and school organizations. At home the physical and verbal abuse continued; I had, “thunder thighs”, “whale lips”, “piano legs”.
     
    I chose a college five hours away from home. While I quickly got the hang of college life, the availability of food was something I wasn’t used to. I joined at sorority and lived in the house. We were provided with three meals a day and it certainly wasn’t the narrow selections offered to me a home. Other girls were eating bread and dessert - it wasn’t long before I was eating like everyone else.
     
    I was 118 pounds when I left home and 133 when I came home for Thanksgiving my freshman year. My mother was furious and refused to speak to me again after advising me that if I wasn’t down to 118 by Christmas, there’d be no presents. I wasn’t and there weren’t.
     
    When I came home for the summer break that year I was up to 156. This time I was advised that it was too humiliating to be for her to been seen in public with a “pig” and that if I wasn’t 120 by the time it was time to return to school there would be no new clothes. That summer passed with her indirect references to me as “her”, “she” and “it”, using other family members to communicate as necessary.
     
    I came home from my summer job on my birthday to find my parents had left that day for a beach vacation with my brothers. The note left indicated that no one wanted me to go as it was too embarrassing to be seen with someone as “disgusting” as me.
     
    I left for college that fall - 123 pounds but no new clothes as I weighed “too much”.
     
    I haven’t worn shorts or a bathing suit since then.
    (Continued...)
  21. (Continued)
    Through the remainder of my college years and through my twenties, I kept my weight under control; my weight averaged between 125 - 136, but I worked and worried about it endlessly, always feeling “fat”. As my career started to really take off and my responsibilities grew - travel, business dinners, I had to aggressively restrict my food intake to maintain my weight.
     
    I spent the first seven years after I graduated living at home, helping to support my financially irresponsible father, nursing my mother through breast and then lung cancer and caring for my youngest brother.
     
    I was finally able to break free in 1995. Money was tight and the debts incurred supporting my parents were high. I worked for an international insurance company, but the pay wasn’t great and my boss difficult to work for. Turnover in my department was over 50% that year, so I was working long hours, weekends and living in fear that I wouldn’t be able to keep a roof over my head. My weight escalated to 176 by January 1996.
     
    As I became more acclimated to living on my own and managing my career, I was able to better manage my weight. Between January 1996 and August 1997 I lost 37 pounds.
     
    I started dating my future husband, in July of that year. We both worked for the same company and although it was not against company policy to date a co-worker we opted to keep it a secret. That in addition to living 150 miles apart, was stressful and I began to battle my weight again. In the first year we dated, we both gained 20 pounds.
     
    In 1998 I was offered a plumb position with a competing company, one that would provide a new direction to my career, a company car, double my salary, and eventually transfer me to the same city as my future husband.
     
    I now telecommuted from a home office and inherited a service territory which hadn’t been handled in two years. Coupled with the fact that the promised “training” wasn’t provided, I was now working at times 14 hours a day, seven days a week.
     
    Often on the road for hours at time, I turned to fast food. Late nights at my desk with pizza, long work hours, long distance relationship and loads of stress and I soon became a junk food, comfort food and binge eater. By the end of 1998 I was 166.
     
    In 1999, I was a top performer with my company and was offered a relocation to the same city as my future husband. I was made aware that my assignment had problems and as I worked my way into my new territory, it became clear that the “problems” were quite serious and in some cases, potentially litigious. I was charged to, “treat this territory like it was my own business”. I did, and won the support of my direct manager and home office staff. I was still working 12 to 14 hours a day plus weekends. I ended 1999 at 183 pounds.
     
    Year 2000 would prove to be the most stressful year of my life. My company decided to dramatically change my (and my co-workers) job duties. I was now juggling tasks that had been handled by three separate individuals. In April I got engaged and began planning a wedding for October in my future husband's home state, a 1,000 miles away. In August I found a lump in my breast and was diagnosed with breast cancer the same weekend the invitations arrived from the printer. Fortunately I became a patient at a world recognized research facility, but it was still a crazy, stressful time. Between August and October I was diagnosed, packed my apartment, moved to my fiance's house, arranged a wedding reception for 150 people, had surgery and worked full time. In November I began chemotherapy. By the end of 2000 my weight was up to 213 pounds.
     
    I finished chemo in January 2001. A month later I started five weeks of radiation therapy. I continued to work full time, often 70+ plus hours a week. Despite winning multiple “key contributor” awards that year, I was given my first “unsatisfactory” performance review and told that as soon as my radiation therapy had finished, I should’ve been able to get back to my old service numbers. I was constantly stressed, sleeping sometimes just four hours a night - terrified that I’d lose my job and hence my insurance coverage. Couple with my new job duties as a “wife” I threw in the diet towel and ate whatever I wanted. By the end of 2001, I was 252 and 2002 added another 31 pounds - 283.
    In 2003 I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes and not surprisingly, due to the radiation to my chest, my thyroid had shut down. The job stress was incredible . My territory was supposed to be staffed by four people, but despite numerous promises from corporate that additional staff would be hired, I continued to hear that management didn’t feel we needed additional staff , since, I, "managed it all so well”. When once again my recommendations were ignored and resulted in a loss to the company in excess of 1M, I realized that I was just wearing myself out for nothing. My husband and I discussed it and as it looked like his company was going to transfer us to New York in 2004(actually took until 2005) we decided it would be best for me to quit before it killed me. Following my early “retirement” I enrolled in a local hospital's Simple Success Weight Loss Program and lost 20 pounds over 8 week period.
     
    Over the last seven years, my weight has averaged between 253-267. I can manage weight loss for a limited time, but stress leads me to binge eating. I find myself haunted by memories of my childhood and sometimes wonder if I’m not stuffing myself to stuff down the painful memories. I am the primary “homemaker” and find that everything from paying bills, to housework, to family obligations are my resonsibility. I have minimal down time and often find my days are just as long now, serving my family, as it was when I worked full-time. I jokingly say that I “gave up” one of my jobs - now I can’t figure out how I managed to work the hours I used to and do all that I do now?!?
     
    Nevertheless, not working has created a gap in my life socially and for my husband and I financially. I need to get back in the work force, but I’m afraid to get out there at this size. In the South, where I'm from, people are a little more gentile, a little less willing to pick on someone for their weight. I’ve found since I’ve moved to New York, that people, even strangers, will very directly comment on someone’s weight. I’ve had a neighbor snub me then very loudly comment on my weight and make disparaging remarks to other neighbors. I’ve had business professionals I contact on behalf of my charity work feel free to comment. I even had a medical professional at Memorial Sloan-Kettering harass me to the point I left the clinic in the middle of an MRI!
    I have had enough of dealing with and being defined by my weight, by being weighed in the balance and being found wanting because I’m too big.
     
    I’ve spent 32 years with issues related to food and my weight coloring every aspect of my life. I was able to overcome the short comings related to growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive home; going on to have a productive professional career, a real family, and being an active member of my community. Despite numerous attempts to control my weight, this is one area in which I have failed repeatedly. I’ve been well-educated through nutritional counseling, and my own efforts to self-educate. I know the risks this extra weight puts on my overall health and I am already seeing the effects. Coupled with the social and emotional aspects of being “plus sized”, I feel like the “life” is gone from my life - that I’m avoiding doing more and more activities because I’m trapped in a body that doesn’t feel like mine. When I dream, I don’t look like this. I’m willing to make the changes needed to lose weight - I’ve done it before, but I need a partner(so to speak) to help me down the long road back to being me.
  22. Definitely over-enjoyed my band freedom and regained 17 pounds eating without abandon.
    Some problems persist: Pills are still tough to get down. I can eat raw carrots and radishes, but they do get a bit stuck if I'm not careful. Had to give up tomato juice - acid reflux. Have to take an antacid before eating something with tomato sauce or anything remotely greasy - surprise! turkey bacon is a bit too fatty for me. Still feel banded when I eat with a bra on
     
    The weight gain gave me that out-of-control feeling and I started considering the gastric sleeve or the full bypass until it dawned on me that neither restricts your eating persay. It might take you longer to get it down and you might end up vomiting or dumping, but if you're an emotional and/or binge eater, you're likely to press on. Actually started missing my band with the thought that at least it kept me from blossoming back to 283. Then I started listening to myself and it sounded like I wasn't taking any responsibility for any of my weight issues, but I still decided I couldn't trust myself.
     
    I mentioned to my husband that I was thinking of going to an informational seminar at a new bariatrics practice which just opened locally with a highly respected surgeon. He said he thought I was, "nuts" but he'd go with me if I really wanted to go down this road again.
     
    Still on the fence when I got a call from an old friend who was aware I'd had the procedure, but not the complications. We got to talking. He begged me not to go through another surgery - he and his wife just lost a good friend who'd gone in for the sleeve and died several days later from a blood clot. Yes, I know, all surgery has risks but it sat in the back of my mind...
     
    About a week later, I had lunch with a new friend who didn't know I'd had the procedure, but was aware of my apparent inability to eat much of anything. When I ordred something besides my usual soup, she mentioned it was good to see me actually eating something. This opened the door and I told her about my band experience. Her response surprised me - she commented that I was "lucky" to have made it!?
    Apparently, she has a friend who'd used the same surgeon as I. Her friend also was banded, and ended up in the hospital for over a month with complications. She survived but continues to have troubles. Again, Yes - I know, all surgery has risks but it sat in the back of my mind...
     
    Yesterday sealed the deal. One of my business associates had sleeve surgery about six weeks ago. He seemed to be doing fine. We were schedule to meet yesterday afternoon to discuss a proposal. When he didn't show, I called his office. His assistant told me he'd collapsed at work in severe pain and they had to call 911. I'm still waiting to hear what happened - all I know is he's, "stable".
    Maybe it has nothing to do with his sleeve surgery - but is that likely?
     
    That old saying about things happening in threes got me thinking that maybe this is a sign and I should pay attention.
     
    I've decided it's time to parent myself. If I won't feed my nieces and nephews crap, why am I feeding it to myself?
     
    I've begun working through various self-help books on disordered eating. One amusingly but perhaps accurately pointed out that a binge is an adult form of a temper tantrum. I'm scared, angry, not getting my own way. I'm too old to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming, so what can I do? I'll stuff myself with the kind of food that sooths the child in me - Candy! Ice Cream! Junk Food! until I stuff down the fear, anger or disappointment. Interesting idea.
     
    I've gone back to Weight Watchers and am embracing a more vegan diet. Not a bad idea as a cancer survivor with a family history of heart disease.
    I'm finding that by focusing on whole grains, limiting processed food and added sugar plus nixing coffee after 3pm, I'm not feeling bloated and sluggish. With meals in the 300-400 calorie range, I'm able to go about four hours without needing to snack. If I do need a little something, I've got string cheese, carrots, celery, fruit on hand. I don't feel guilty when I eat and I'm not skipping meals so that I get to the point that I'm ravenous and looking for candy and fast food.
     
    Am I a saint? No. Will I slip? Of course. But when I lay the cards out on the table, I realize it's up to me to save my health.
     
    So far, I've lost seven of the gained pounds. I'm taking it one day at a time.

  23. One Blissful Month...

    · RavenClaw779 · 09/18/2013 13:58

    When the swelling finally went down - about the third week in July - I was finally able to eat normally. Didn't go crazy, but was able to eat all those things that had become impossible due to "Jill's Rules"(see prior blog entries for details). I ate salad, had a steak, had pizza- had everything I wasn't able to eat for over a year. Actually got to go out to lunch with my girlfriends! Continued tracking my WW points and was feeling great...until the end of August.
     
    Invited to dinner at a friend's house - yet another experience I'd largely had to either pass on or do my fake-out food shuffle around the plate routine. The roast was a bit tough, but with no fill, drinking with meal, I was able to get it down. That was until the drive home, where I started gagging, sliming and couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough for a prolonged period of vomiting.
     
    It's been down hill since then. Pretty much any solid food creates the pain across the lower jaw and shoulders. Every episode results in an upper abdomen swelling that looks like I'm pregnant. Back to not being able to eat while wearing a bra. Back to the protein shakes, yogurt, cottage cheese...zzzz. Maybe if they made savory yogurts instead of just sweets - LOL
     
    Next appointment isn't until October ("soonest available") - not that there's anything that can be done. There's no fill in the band. Dreading what I know my WLS is going to want to do...more pricey tests and re-tests that I can't afford.
     
    I was warned that this might not resolve the problem and that in the future I'd likely need to have it removed. Just don't know if my insurance would cover it or if I could even swing another $500 co-pay, time off from work, surgery/recovery. Guess I'm just happy to have the memory of that one month.
  24. Just a little over a week from my surgery. I was understandably tired and couch surfing for a couple of days but was really surprised to find how tired I was even after resuming my normal activities. Each day I've been able to go a bit longer before finally having to say, "Enough". It's really disconcerting to find yourself breaking a sweat by simply making the bed!
     
    My band removal surgery ended up being a hiatel hernia repair. The steri strips are still in place and the bruising has gone yellow. Really didn't have much post-surgical pain. Still have this peculiar lump at the base of my throat and am thankful I have my post-op visit tomorrow to find out what this is. Surgical boo-boo?
     
    My discharge paperwork didn't really give me much to go on regarding what I should eat post-op. "Clear liquids...progess to normal diet.." really doesn't provide much help. Went online and WebMD has two weeks clear liquid only and so on until the SIX Week mark where supposedly you're able to eat a normal diet. Confusing.
     
    How am I? Belching after even a sip of water. Any drink sounds like a slow drain gurggling down. Annoying cough to the point I'm tasting blood in the back of my throat. Acid reflux. Pain across back and jaw when I eat - even yogurt. Discharge instructions say it's okay for me to take my usual scripts and multi-vitamins - it now takes me half and hour to get them down and I've got to be standing to do it. I have to fight the urge to vomit them back up as they seem to stick with that horrid bitter medicine taste.
    Still can't eat while wearing a bra. Everything I do eat has that stuck, 'stop & drop' feeling, but as my husband pointed out, "At least you're not vomiting!". True, but that's more to do with my prior experience and now having restriction to the point of knowing at one bite that if I try another, it's going to be a problem. Incredible restriction considering I have an 11cc band with nothing in it.
     
    Yes, the band is just a tool, but not every tool works for everybody. I'm wondering if there's something structurally different about me that's making the band a poor choice for me. I wasn't able to have post-mastectomy reconstruction because my body rejected the tissue expanders. I had an allergic reaction to my eyeglass arms and nose piece. Periodically the area around my port erupts with a strange itchy rash that requires extra antihistimines to bring under control. Having a stent in my ureter following kidney stone removal resulted in two weeks of painfilled hell beyond the normal discomfort as it felt like my body was trying to squeeze the damn thing out.
     
    Here I sit, back at my desk with my hand up my blouse pulling my bra away from my chest as I belch after a couple of sips of coffee. As noted before - Same old, same old! Today's client lunch should be a riot!

  25. Still Banded

    · RavenClaw779 · 07/04/2013 16:27

    In the lead up to my surgery, my surgeon was 99% sure the band was going to have to come out, but agreed to get approval from my insurance carrier that if when he got in there, it appeared the band or the problem could be remedied without removal, that he'd fix the problem and leave the band in. Again, my fear of packing the weight back on overriding the numerous problems I've had with the band.
     
    Nevertheless, I came out of surgery feeling relieved that the band was out and finally I'd have no more painful or embarassing food adventures. I was surprised at my disappointment of finding out the band was still in and the protruding, lopsided, scarred port area even bigger than ever. The surgeon repaired a hiatel hernia - just like when I had the band placed three years ago.
     
    It's been three days and I can barely swallow the pain meds. Liquids are still going down with the old 'stop and drop' feeling. Not hungry but how laughable - still haven't lost a pound even after four days on nothing but clear liquid.
    Here we go again.

Account

Navigation

Search

Search

Configure browser push notifications
Chrome (Android)
  1. Tap the lock icon next to the address bar.
  2. Tap Permissions → Notifications.
  3. Adjust your preference.
Chrome (Desktop)
  1. Click the padlock icon in the address bar.
  2. Select Site settings.
  3. Find Notifications and adjust your preference.