MrsWilson1212

Yes I am back...didnt think I would be but since my last entry quite a bit has changed and I have once again stepped back on this path....well kinda. Like Brett Farve I have changed my mind and decided to get back in the game.

For starters..I am having my thyroid removed. Yup. Time for it to go. On 11/11 I am scheduled to have surgery to remove my nodule filled thyroid. I also learned during my consult with the surgeon that it functions normally meaning basically I am fat because I am fat..not because of my thyroid. As a result, guess who reconsidered lap band?

I called my bariatric surgeon's office (after almost a 2 months absence) and told them about the surgery and to see if it would be possible to get the lap band soon after since my current insurance company will be replaced 1/1/10. I also rescheduled my missed sleep study appt so I can get the 2 weeks worth of treatments I need before I really reach my final stage before seeing the nutrionist which occurs weeks before surgery. Well the bariatric doctor told me that I need at least 6 wks after my thyroid surgery to get adjusted to the medicine and to heal and she didnt want to risk rushing it just to get it covered by my current insurance company (anyone experience insurance company change while in the process?)

So I decided to spend this time to try to drop some weight (it will be unavoidable when I get my thyroid removed) and to finish up all my required appointments. I am even going to try to get back to see the surgeon by the end of the year and who knows maybe come Jan 2010 I might actually get a date!!

Again I am leaving it all in God's hands and have to let Mr. Wilson know I have changed my mind again (he is kinda used to that but he also seemed relieved when I told him I decided to get it during my frustrated period)

Funny thing is..I cant help but think how ironic this is..having my thyroid removed is going to force me to do 2 things that I havent done and really need to do before I get lap band..1. quit smoking..yeah I cut down to about 3-4 a day but I know I have to really QUIT..and 2. lose SOME weight. Not being able to swallow and being on a liquid diet for a couple of weeks after that surgery is going to be great practice for my lap band surgery. So maybe this IS part of God's plan because maybe I really wasn't as ready as I need to be and now I have no choice but to get ready. :huh2: So here goes...Stay tuned..

THank you so much for your kind words. I really really appreciate it.

Since my last visit, my journey has come to a complete halt. The appearance of nodules on my thyroid during my ultrasound has brought to light an issue that I must deal with before considering WLS.

When I began this journey I did it prayerfully believing if it was part of God's plan it would happen without incident. In the beginning everything went so smoothly I grew in excitement wondering how my life would change. However, it seemed like the closer I got, the more roadblocks began to appear. When I found out about the problems with my thyroid I instantly began to wonder if this may have been a contributor to my current size all of these years. I talked to my supporters who all said the same thing..to wait on the surgery because I might need it. This made me really take a step back and I started to do something I hadnt done in a while..actually TRY to lose weight but simply cutting calories and moving my ass. I also began to really examine how I was feeling because I realized my self esteem had taken some real jabs while going through this process. Prior to starting all of this, I never saw myself as broken. But I suddenly was being told at each appointment I could be "fixed" with the band. I realized as my excitement ebbed from the first couple appointments, it was being replaced my resentment because I felt as if I was being looked down on because I wasnt in the weight range of the doctor's chart, thus broken.

I loved my curves and it never stopped me from doing anything I really wanted to do. Although I will not excuse the pain in my back from carrying all of the weight, I know losing even 5 lbs alleviates it, so if I really tried to lose more, I could have the same effects of someone that may have lost weight with WLS. So I started to really try. I got out to the track and tried to eat like I actually had the surgery. (small meals, lots of proteins and better calorie content) Suddenly I started to feel better..about myself, how I feel physically and positive that I can actually do this.

Working with someone who had gastric had also given me a real glimpse into the dysfunction that can arise when the brain isn't working with the body. This woman has an obsession with food and constantly talks about what she wish she can eat and battles with her love of food by still trying to eat things that make her sick or eating so fast, stomach pain has become a regular follow up to her meals. Although I know she is a very poor example of what a patient should do after WLS, I dislike what I see in her so much, it made me wonder how I would try to fill the void that food once filled since I have always proclaimed without shame, that I love good food and relish in the fact I can have those moments where I can have food I really like or love in moderation and be okay with it.

So right now, having the surgery has been pushed back into the corners of my mind as a lingering option that I may not take on. I am having my thyroid removed and I know that surgery will have to come first, so lap band surgery is taken a back seat for now (or possibly forever)

Hi Lauren! It is very nice to hear from you and a big congrats on your loss. I wondered how things were when I sought out your posts and didnt see any updates but glad to hear things are going well and now that you have gotten over the kidney stone drama, you can feel good physically.

Yesterday I saw had a series of appointments that left me mentally exhausted, mildly depressed and angry to the point I have decided to take the rest of the week off from work because I just do not have the energy to deal with anyone right now.

My morning started off with a visit to the counselor. As usual she was a delight to talk to and after we played catch up (I hadnt seen her in a year+) she told me she would contact the psych so I could get cleared and we planned to touch base next month.

I then headed to the surgeon's office which had been moved due to flooding. The small cramped temporary office was uncomfortable and the staff seemed as cranky as the patients who now had a longer wait time because there was only 2 exam rooms. My appointment with the vascular surgeon to discuss the placing of the filter to prevent clots was cancelled without explanation. I saw the nutrionist who always gives me the impression she wishes she was fishing or something. She weighed me (i lost 1 whole pound) and then began to tell me what was good and bad about my food diary. Although she is encouraging, I always feel like she is talking to me like I am a food idiot. Next was this nurses practioner who I had seen at support meetings. I had never seen her before and if I never see her again I would be fine. She had the skinny girl snobby attitude thing about her and after a while I completely shut down because she was such a b*tch. I also checked with the office manager about my sleep study follow up explaining I had left because I was told via phone I had mild sleep apnea and I would probably be treated after surgery. Well that was not in the report sent to the doctor and according to them I would need to be treated at least 2 weeks prior to surgery. My next appt date with the sleep study people..11/24. Yeah November. At that point, the wind was fully let out of my sails, and I was too angry to think, let alone reschedule my appointment with the surgeon who said he wanted me to return in 6 more weeks. I told the secretary I would call her back since its really no point in returning until after I see the sleep people since I do not have the time to take off from work and I have grown very tired of paying all of these co-pays and spending all this time running around to be no closer than I was a month ago. As I walked over to the hospital to get the thyroid ultrasound also suggested by the surgeon, I thought about throwing my hands up and trying to either lose weight on my own or just accept who I am as I am. Because my self esteem has been taking more of a beating going through this process than it had ever before. But I went anyway and 10 minutes later was told my the xray tech that I DID have an enlarged thyroid and nodes on each side. WHAT!!!! I have been hearing for years that I should have my thryoid checked by different doctors only to have my PCP dismiss it as me just having "a fat neck". My level of discouragement instantly shot up another 100 points and I left the hospital with my head hung low, my disappointment level even higher and the realization this will definitely delay my surgery even more because now I will have to be treated for the thyroid.

When I got home later, I read my horoscope and it was weird. It suggested I finish painting. It went into detail saying..you picked the color, you got the paint, you prepared the house, now get to painting and finish. I saw the message between the lines and realized despite the delays this will cause, I can not quit at this point but instead use this additional time to really get my mind right and to change the habits I continue to struggle with. While having the date now pushed out probably until Dec at this point (which actually coincides with my original desires to do it around Christmas) is disappointing, I will keep doing God is directing me to do since I always believed this is His will and not mine and things will work out based on that.

All of my doubts and fears are starting to be magnified by frustrations with the process and I am hoping today, after visiting with the surgeon, I will be able to get back on the positive road of thinking that I have drifted from about a month or so ago when the processes kinda stalled.

Yesterday I had the follow up appointment with the sleep study folks. I was told I would have to reschedule because I did not have a referral. Since I had received a letter from my insurance company saying it was approved my assumption was something had been submitted. I was told I would have to reschedule. As the office clerk checked the schedule and began to tell me I could not been seen until later in the month, I began to feel my frustration level rise and I asked if the information had been sent to the doctor because I really did not feel as if I needed to reschedule an appointment for them to tell me what they told me on the phone (I have mild sleep apnea which only seems to occur when sleeping on my back). I declined the rescheduling and will check today with my doctor to see if it is required to have the follow up to proceed because if that is the case, my date is going to be pushed out further becausre they were not able to schedule me until later in October. I also felt ready to scream when I called the surgeon's office to confirm my appointment for today and was told I was a new patient and need a referral...I have no idea who was confirming my appointment but her information was obviously wrong and she proceeded to treat me like I was the idiot. I asked to speak to the office manager who had made my appointments, and despite my very odd name, she didnt seem to realize who I was (since we had met and spoken numerous times) She confimed my appointment but began to ask if I had taken tests and did things such as my psych appt because the information was not in my file. I realized the psych, still waiting for the confirmation that I was going to get additional counseling, had not submitted anything because she was waiting to hear from my counselor. Unfortunately because of the Jewish holiday, I wasn't able to make an appointment with her as soon as I would have liked but I see her this morning so hopefully she will touch base with the psych today so the paperwork can be submitted.

I have read posts from others who have been delayed because of the tests and those who have had to reschedule surgery dates because of some type of loop hole that sends them back to the beginning. I am not trying to let the continued delays discourage me from getting the surgery since I have invested so much time and money but when I spoke to the office manager weeks ago, she advised I would be getting my date scheduled today, and from the way it looks, I am very doubtful. So I tarry on...:tt1:

I told myself on my last entry that I would not return to this site until I had something change but with such a stretch between my last appointment and my next (on Monday, 9/22) I felt the NEED to read posts of others for encouragement and to blog about this today because I lost focus again (and ate like every day was the last supper) as well as really started to have some serious doubts about myself (Will I be one of the many successful bandsters or will I fail?) and if I was making the right decision (after all rice is my all time favorite food!) I got myself out of that rut after watching a Wayne Dyer program about making excuses on PBS. On the show he had this guy who had been burned over 98% of his body, had lost his hands, yet still fulfilled his dream to be a musician. Not just any musician..he is a drummer. He even played (quite well) and it dawned on me..if a man without hands can play drums, I can succeed. I just have to get seriously focused and change how I am thinking about the surgery, food and myself. I have a very strong feeling that I will not be getting surgery as soon as I initially thought (early October) simply because I have been unable to meet with my counselor, who needs to verify with the psych I saw on my consult that I am seeking counseling. My PCP is also sending me to have my thyroid checked again at the request of the surgeon. (despite being told for years its enlarged, nothing has ever been found--I think I just have a fat neck) The surgeon also wants me to get on birth control, despite me telling him at my age and with 2 teenage daughters the last thing I want is to get pregnant, but I am going to go see a gyno anyway and see if she can possibly just tie my tubes when I get the surgery since I will be open anyway and definitely do not intend to have any more children. That appointment isnt until Oct 5th, so there goes early October. I kinda wanted to wait closer to December anyway because I could ten stay out of work during the holidays since the shrink told me she wanted me to take off 4-6 weeks. (dont have to tell me twice lol) So in the next 3-4 weeks I have tons of appointments and still lots of uncertainties. I was hoping to lose some of the weight I gained by the time I returned, but it didnt happen :thumbup:.. I didnt gain..but as of this past Saturday when I saw my PCP, I was the same weight. No real shocker there. I haven't really tried. I have had just as many "bad days" as I have had "good days" with my food intake. I have been trying to also find a good protein bar realizing how important that is going to become after surgery. No real luck there. I am not a candy eater and they all seem to be made with chocolate or peanut butter like its supposed to trick you into thinking its a treat, but it all seems to have like a powdery aftertaste that just grosses me out, so I also have to work on that.

I wrote my sister a long letter because I havent been able to talk to her since she text me one day and made a comment about she guess I dont want to be bothered until after I have WLS after not hearing from me for a couple of days. It pissed me off because it was so unnecessary and she seems to think I am getting this magic pill from a genie in a lamp and I am going to be a size 6 next week and move to beautiful people land and leave her where she is since we are currently the same size. If anything I would think she would be happy since I promsied to send her all my clothes and I have some really nice clothes. So I broke it all down to her..my fears, doubts and the reality of WLS. I hope she understands where I am coming from, but I definitely do not intend to stress it if she doesnt.

Mr. Wilson and I still have no discussed things. I think he believes it was a passing fancy and I have changed my mind. He is so wrong. I have only set it aside until I have a date to simply avoid getting angry because he refuses to see any point of view but his own.

I know I am kinda all over the place, but that;s how I feel. Restless. Anyone that says or thinks this is easy, need to loan me the magic wand they were given because this is feeling harder than losing weight "the old fashioned way" and I am not even banded yet! UGH!

Yesterday I received a call from the sleep study folks to advise I did not need to come to the 2nd appointment because my sleep apena is mild and they may want to treat me after surgery (I guess since my breathing seems to only stop when I am lying on my back and sleeping on my stomach as I do usually will not be possible for a while). This is good news in a sense because I do not have to go back, but it also leaves 2 weeks before I have to go back to see the surgeon and the hiatus (even for 2 wks) tends to make me lose focus. I will prevail however and try to lose more of the weight I gained when I saw them a month ago.

It seems that now the processes and heading toward completion I am getting more nervous and having all kinds of doubts and worries. I keep reminding myself of how great I will feel and coming to this website to look at pictures of successful bandsters to remind me how great I will feel mentally when I look better. Mr. Wilson and I have not discuss the surgery since the last time and our exercising has come to a halt. I figure it is best that I just hold off until I get a date at this point since I still have the final nutrionist appointment to do before a date is even set. I have been trying to prepare my helpers at work just in case I find myself with an October date (wow thats next month!) although I am thinking of putting it off until November just to be sure I have everything in order. (as well to possibly stay out of work past the Christmas holiday since the shrink thinks 4-6 weeks is how much time I should take off)

So this may be my last post for a while since now its a bunch of wait and see...but hopefully my next one will be full of good news.

This past Wednesday night I had my sleep study. I was feeling a little apprehensive because everyone that told me about them said its not a good night's sleep since they are constantly interrupting you and I already have problems sleeping because the slightest interruption keeps me up for hours. Well...like I constantly read on this site, everyone is different with this process, because I slept like a baby and was only interrupted by a full bladder that screamed for release around 3am. Getting up in a hotel without the comforts of my home was the worst part for me, but I slept like a rock. The technician told me I had slight sleep apenea because I only stopped when I was in REM and lying on my back and it was brief. She is not sure if I will have to be treated or come back for the 2nd appointment they have scheduled for 9/9 but I guess by the end of this upcoming week I will find out.

On Monday, Mr. Wilson decided it was time to change our morning routine and started working out with me. I know his reason is hoping it will deter me from having the operation but I appreciated it because he got me motivated to do something that has to become a norm for me eventually. I didnt realize I was so out of freakin shape! After a brisk 10 minute walk on the treadmill I was sweating like I had been chased by 10 hungry lions. I hate the treadmill. It sits in my basement and the entire time I am on it I just look around at the laundry that needs to be done or stuff that should be put away. It bores the hell out of me. By the 3rd day I told him I was bored and we needed to mix it up because it became very obvious to me that he didnt have anything really planned and he was just "winging it" so on Wednesday morning we went to the track and I walked a mile. Before I gained the extra weight that aggravates my back walking was my exercise of choice and the track was my best friend. It felt good to be out there and although my back ached, I finished it. Since I had the sleep study on Wed and wasnt home on Thursday we didnt exercise (when I talked to Mr. Wilson later in the day he confessed he didnt exercise without me) and since then, we have both been so tired from work, the old routine returned. I think I am going to just order the Walk Away the Pounds DVD because I had used the VHS tape in the past and I loved it. Leslie Sansonne really made it funny and easy. I would rather do the tape with my daughter at home than workout with Mr. Wilson because he expects me to go at his pace instead of my own and right now, its just imperative that I do it!

This week I also got a new person in my office to provide assistance with work. She had gastric and formed a quick comradery with the other woman in my office that had it. A conversation was started with me and the other pre op coworker who is getting gastric when I told her about my sleep study and the new girl shared her story. She said she had been 315 but never shared her current weight. She admitted gaining some weight back and is very bottom heavy but I imagine she is around 200 because she is small at the top and her ID picture shows her with a much fuller face. She talked about how many of her other friends had gastric and how great it was. She then looked at me and said, she didnt mean to be negative (whenever someone starts off with that line, you KNOWs something negative is coming out their mouth) but people she knew that had lapband was less successful, gained their weight back or didnt lose weight at all. I just looked at her and dismissed her words because I know gastric is not an option for me so it would be pointless to go back and forth with her because I have seen pictures on this website and read post of MANY successful lapband patients and know all and all my success is going to depend upon what I do or don't do. But you know what they say..opinions are like a** holes...everyone has one.

Unless I have the 2nd sleep study, I am not due to do anything else until for another 3 weeks when I see the surgeon again. By then I hope to have lost the weight I gained when I saw him last and will be moving towards my final stages, which really is just my unscheduled $200 nutrionist appt and the sleep study doctor appt. After that I assume its just a matter of the insurance company approving the surgery and getting a date.

In the meantime I will just continue to try to do as much as I can to prepare for the changes that may soon come.

This past Thursday I had my psych appt. As I sat in my truck finishing up the last few pages of the booklet I was told to fill out before my appointment, I wondered what I was walking into since I have seen posts that describe it as a simple discussion with a doctor and others as a series of tests. The waiting room was filled with other hopeful WLS patients and after a 10 minute wait I was weighed (lost 6 lbs!- the good) and taken back to an office with the shrink and a student who was there for observation. (I said I didnt mind) She reviewed my questionaire and pretty much asked me questions based on my answers. It was simple enough but based on my very honest answers, she suggested I seek counseling based on my past history of depression for at least 6 months after surgery despite the fact I told her my depression was situational and I am very excited about the surgery. She also suggested I return to taking medication I had been prescribed (and honestly never took) and told me she wanted me to have whoever I decided to see to call her. I guess to confirm that I had followed her instruction. She told me she would recoommend that I get the surgery based on the fact I seem to have educated myself enough about the process, but I think her assessment was based more of how SHE felt about what I had shared with her and now how I was telling her about how I felt. She was nice enough but I did not totally agree with her suggestions. (the bad) Seeing someone wasnt the problem since I decided to visit a counselor I had in the past that I had grown to really like and who I know had battled her own weight problems. Taking the meds however was not something I wanted to do since I never really took the prescribed medications. The next day, however, I got up and took one of the little blue pillsbefore I went to work figuring it may be a preventive measure for the depression she said many patients sufffer from after surgery. Within a half hour of arriving at work, I felt very sleepy. An hour after that I felt angry and cranky.:thumbup: Within a half hour I felt my emotions going haywire and I started to cry:crying:. Realizing something was wrong, I went to my best friend and simply asked her to help me because something was wrong. She calmed me down, I returned to my desk and minutes later started to have a panic attack. My husband eventually was called to pick me up and I went home. I cried in the car all the way home and by the time I calmed down really felt depressed. :sad: The rest of my Friday was spent in the bed trying to sleep off the drug that was supposed to "help" me. On Saturday I woke up with a migrane from hell and ended up laying around for the better part of the morning. By the time I felt well enough to get out of bed, I was starving and ended up eating like it was my last meal. Needless to say, that really pissed me off (with myself) when I realized I had totally lost control. I am not quite sure what happened, but I am guessing because my chemical levels were fine, taking a drug that is supposed to change those levels, sent my body into a frenzy. I had called my PCP but she was on vacation and her back up called me back after I had left work. I will call back on Monday.

One thing for certain...no more drugs until I see my PCP. If my PCP agrees with the shrink, I will let her handle it because its possible she can give me something else or a very low dosage.

My willingness to do whatever it takes to comply with suggestions of medical professionals in an effort to get my surgery has made me more open to doing things I wouldnt have otherwise, because failure is NOT AN OPTION for me. But that episode on Friday has reminded me that no one knows me the way I know myself and I have to have more faith in God and myself to be a success. When I first started this journey, I prayed about it and said, if it isnt in God's plan, it will not simply happen. Since then I have had successes, failures, doubts and fears that have made me wonder. But on Friday, as a friend held me as I sobbed like a baby, she said a prayer in my ear and it brought me some peace and when I look back today, a reminder that no matter what happens on this journey, in the end, its all part of God's plan so I only need to have faith.

Yesterday I attended my first support meeting. My oldest daughter and husband had to work so my youngest daughter accompanied me. The surgeon and nutrionist were there with about 7 post op patients, 4 pre op patients and 3 others supporters of post and pre op patients. It was very informal and it was like visiting this website without the typing. :tt2:

As everyone went around the room for introductions I took mental inventory of who was post op wondering what they looked like before. I started off the questioning wondering if anyone had experienced that feeling wondering if they had made a mistake intially after having surgery and the room was filled with loud "YES!" But they also chimed in how it passed. As the Q & A progressed, I realized all of the post op patients had gastric and there wasnt a single person in the room that could tell me about their lap band experience. So I couldnt relate to the stories of "dumping" and no one could tell me what a "fill" feels like. I was disappointed :eek: but to get their perspective of what it is like to have reached such a big goal and how their lives had changed as a result of the weight loss, kept my attention. As with any group, there was the negative people who only seemed to speak up when it was time to complain :biggrin: but a couple of really positive people that made me feel proud of them as if I knew them personally. :thumbup:

I heard the stories about being able to do the simple things again (like running up a flight of steps without being winded or crossing your legs) and battles they still deal with (cravings, social functions, etc) Many of them were there to get more support than offer it (because they had gained weight back) and a few were having a difficult time mentally accepting their new body image because the extra skin made them feel more unattractive. One woman had just had surgery last month and she looked very good which was a surprise since the only person I ever knew to have gastric was still in the bed 3 weeks after surgery. With the exception of 1 other guy, I think I may have also been the youngest person in the room, making me wonder how many of them wished the could have done it sooner ( I know I do) and how many years did they suffer with weight related health issues and self esteem issues before making the choice to have the surgery. I wanted to ask about hair loss, but the woman sitting next to me was completely bald and since I wasn't sure if it was a fashion choice (because she really looked good with it) or a result of the gastric, I decided to leave that question out.:sad:

In the adjoining auditorium, the surgeon was having an orientation meeting with new patients and he asked if some of the post op patients were willing to stay and speak to them, and the meeting came to an end, but not before I asked the group did anyone have a "before" picture. Only one person did, because many of them, hated the way they looked in pictures so much they said they had stopped taking them. Not surprisingly it was the most positive woman in the room. She pulled her cell phone out and showed a picture she took last year on her birthday and I had to take a double take because she looks like a soccer mom that has been in shape her entire life. If I saw this woman in any other venue, I would have never thought she had WLS. I hugged and thanked her for sharing, realizing who I am today, does not have to be who I choose to be tomorrow. I left with samples of broth, puddings and drinks used by post op patients. I had purchased Ensure before arriving at the meeting planning a self imposed liquid diet to "practice" in the weeks to come. I am glad I attended the meeting,and hope to one day be that positive person providing inspiration to others who are ready to regain control of their lives.

Although I am in the final stages of pre-op I am already feeling a little adversity from a co worker who had gastric bypass. Ironic right? :sad: WLS for dummies made it very clear that negativity from co-workers (and others) is going to occur especially if you are no longer going to be the fattest person in the office. I will admit, when she first started talking about surgery, I was a naysayer. I saw it as an easy way out for her because she had never really tried anything to lose weight. I wasn't feeling jealousy because she was getting the surgery (because I am afraid of the extensive surgery involved with gastric) but I will admit, when she returned to work months later with her clothes hanging off I had feelings of envy because she had lost more weight than I ever had in my numerous attempts. Since she was a friend (of sorts) I had to congratulate her and compliment her because she looked good and it was obvious she felt better because her self esteem was through the roof! By the time that "gaunt" look left her and she began to shop for clothes that fit, I was convinced WLS might not be a bad thing and truly apologized to her for being a naysayer...and eventually decided to get lapband.

Since I was now the fattest person in the office, the things she envied about me (the fact I finished school, got married and had the less stressful position in the office) seemed to take a back seat to her because she had that "one up" now and I noticed she would flaunt herself around the office, going out the way to "visit" with people on the other side of our floor just so they could see her. She also seemed to find a cruel pleasure in making comments about other fat people (including me) as if she never wore those shoes. This pissed me off but it also motivated me more. Another friend in the office, who is supporting my decision after seeing the results of gastric with our coworker and her brother in law, told me early on that I shouldnt expect her to be too excited for me because she probably fears that when I get my surgery, I am going to be back to having a "one up" on this woman because I will probably look better. (I was smaller before her surgery and am 10 years younger)

All in all, its really not about what anyone thinks. Its about how I feel when I walk up a flight of steps and feel like I was kicked in my chest, or my back aches after walking a city block. I am tired of being tired of being obese. (its funny to finally be able to accept that word) I am tired of being taken less seriously despite my intelligence because my weight immediately causes assumptions that I am lazy or lack control. I am tired of literally being the "elephant in the room" and figure in the end, those that truly love and care will share in my joys and triumphs realizing the quality of my life has improved and a healthier me will give me (and them) many more years of ME.

LOL..the scale has never been a friend to me but I am looking forward to the day where getting on it wont cause my palms to sweat because I know its DEFINITELY gone up..still waiting for my process to end so I can join the other ranks of "scale whores." LOL

Yesterday my pre-op gastric co-worker brought to work "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies" (I love those books!) and after thumbing through just a couple of pages I begged her to let me hold it. She told me she had planned to take it on vacation but when I promised to buy her some magazines to replace it, she relented, leaving me custody until Tuesday when she returns.

Well..the moment I had the chance to sit, I found myself skimming over the things I had already learned from the Dr., online and members of this website, and started to really READ things I hadnt quite realized or thought about. (this is why I love these books) The section which explained some of the adjustments that will be have to made emotionally after surgery were never really a consideration I had. I mean I know I wasnt going to wake up 100 lbs lighter one day, with all my troubles gone, but according to this book the loss of the "friendship" with food, can cause depression like any other loss. And for a split second, I said to myself..hmmm..maybe being a fat chick isnt such a bad thing. I began to ask myself am I REALLY prepared for this and I realized I wasn't.

For the last 2 months that I have began my journey I was so focused on the beginning and end, I did not give enough thought to the middle. The way I am goin to feel after surgery (mentally), how to deal with the reactions of friends, coworkers and family and how I am going to succeed.

I know! I know!..I am going a little too far ahead of myself, but I can be a little neurotic like that :sad: sometimes. I guess it comes from the last 15 years of true self discovery and realizing I am not exactly the best at completing tasks. I mean yeah, I finished college...I can finish out a workday...but I still have not completed the needlepoint I started last January or putting away the summer clothes that I decided I would look better in next year so I can make room in my closet.

I began to hear the doctor's voice replay in my mind the day of orientation telling everyone, while going through the process start to adopt the new habits that will be crucial to the lifestyle change. Instead I have been going in the opposite direction. I have yet to begin an exercise program, I still have those moments where I eat like crazy and I am still smoking, despite cutting back drastically.

I called my sister and tried to vent but she was too busy trying to give me advice to just listen. So right now I am simply taking the moments slowly. I realize I am going to have to "baby step" my way through all of this because failure is simply not an option for me. Outside of the winnning lottery numbers for tomorrow, there is nothing I have ever wanted more for myself...and its really time I started to get what I want out of my life because I am only going around once! So while I feel scared to death at the coulds/maybes/probablys..I also never felt so brave.

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. Mr. Wilson in his own little awkward way yesterday again told me why he didnt think it was a good idea and even offered a solution. He said he would become my personal trainer for a year! It was sweet...but I have not budged from my desire to have surgery. I will blog more on this later.

This past Monday I went in for my much anticipated visit with the doctor and nutrionist. It was my first time back in over a month and I was excited, curious and nervous all at the same time. I was excited because I knew this was another step closer to where I eventually want to be, curious about my test results and nervous about getting on the scale because I knew I had gained weight. Well, my appt definitely took me closer because by the time I left I had my psych appt scheduled (8/20), my appt following the sleep study moved up 2 weeks and in between appts to return to the doctor. More or less I have an appt every week between now and the end of Sept and if everything goes well, I may be looking at an Oct date.

My test results came back well. I was told that my ultrasound and upper GI was normal and my blood tests were excellent. My blood clot scare last year had me wondering about how my tests would come out since this is always a worry for me now, but it gave me a chance to dicuss this further and I will see the doctor that will insert the filter to avoid clots prior to surgery on my next appt at the hospital.

My fear about the weight gain rang true. I knew it from the way I was feeling. My back has been aching and I feel sluggish. My back aches at a 5 lb weight gain, so I knew I had at least gained that..but I was shocked to learn it was in fact 11 lbs. :sad: I was told it was probably fluid. Yeah..Grey Goose I explained. The numerous happy hours my co workers and I had attended since my last visit had caught up with me. The nutrionist and doctor both encouragingly told me not to worried since "thats what I am there for". I later had to laugh since it was the first time I wasn't scolded by a health care professional for gaining weight. The surgeon on the other hand, came to see me with a couple of students, wasnt as dismissive reminding me of the high calorie content of alcohol and how important calories will be when I get lap band since my body will not reject the sugar automatically like gastric. I knew he was right and could only sit there like a scolded kid nodding in agreement.

I needed that kick in the ass. It brought the importance of this surgery and saving my life back to the forefront of my mind. I had lost focus having so much time in between appointments and simply slipped back into bad habits. I had to get back on the horse. As I explained to the nutrionist, I KNOW what to do, its DOING it. I am a professional dieter. I know it all..I have read it all. I am just a very unsuccessful dieter. She listened but I could see she wasnt buying it, she gave me my food journal for the week and told me to fax it on Friday. She told me her appt is last and usually a couple of weeks before my date to avoid wasting money if not approved. She said she had flexible hours so I said, cool lets meet for drinks. I quickly followed with..IM JOKING! and she actually laughed, then added, sure we will meet for breakfast and have carnation instant breakfast drinks! She was so quick I had to join her in laughing. :biggrin: She later repeated it to the surgeon who also got a laugh. Putting that imprint on her mind, also puts her in the forefront of mine. I know I have to make more of an effort to do the right thing because it is truly now or never.

Quite a bit has happened since my last post and I have been mentally exhausted making it difficult to think about anything but how much my job is stressing me out. Enough about that...

Well last Sunday I talked to my husband about the surgery. I told him I was having the surgery and would like his support. He told me no and I shrugged advising him it would not change my mind. I proceeded to tell him how this was something I had to do for myself and how it was unlike the gastric bypass my coworker had (he thinks she looks horrible) and he pretty told me I couldnt sell him on it. I told him I wasnt trying to and explained how it would give me a better quality of life. Blah Blah Blah Blah. :thumbup:

Once Mr. Wilson makes up his mind about something, there is no changing it. He has to come around on his own after he SEES himself disproved. I know this about my husband. He has always been this way which is why I told him it would be nice to have his support, but my mind is made up. He even told me to let him know when I was going to do it so he could have "the papers" (meaning divorce) for me to sign. I totally ignored him, knowing it was the only "weapon" he thought he could use. But I didnt care and figured it became truly THAT serious for him, then I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Besides I know my husband and despite what he may see as "defiance" he loves me and will not refuse to help me when the time comes. For a moment I could see him pondering more over my stance than my words. He seemed to want to get angry, but he couldnt because I had a calm but determined attitude.

As the hours and days passed since our conversation last Sunday afternoon I noticed something different about Mr. Wilson. It was as if a lightbulb went off in his head and he began to show me affection in ways that were very touching. Light kisses as I slept. Smiles and compliments were more frequent and I began to wonder...Did Mr. Wilson have a sudden epiphany of sorts remembering how I looked when we first me 8 years and 30+ lbs ago? Did he began to imagine the image I have been seeing in my dreams for years of myself as a stronger, healthier, happier more confident woman? I am not sure what happened, but it was obvious something clicked. :cursing: So for now..it is what it is.

By Thursday, my routine had returned and I struggled through my work week looking forward to Friday. When I began to create the weekly schedule for my office, I noticed one of my assistants was off the day I was scheduled to see the surgeon again (8/17) so I called the office to see if I could possibly have my appointment pushed up hoping someone cancelled. I felt a little discourage when I had to leave a message but lo and behold, I got a call back an hour later from the very helpful and excited office manager that was glad I had called in. She had been on vacation when I had my last visit so my appointment was scheduled in error. She advised that I actually was scheduled to come in last week. (it would have been nice if someone would have called me) I told her I was not aware of this appt and she apologized asking if I could come in on Monday. I told her yes, advising I was looking forward to it because the winds had been let out of my sails waiting all this time. I also told her about my sleep study being scheduled later this month with a possible 2nd one early next month, but the appointment to discuss the results were not until the first week of October. She said she would try to get it changed for me realizing that I wanted to get the surgery "yesterday" which I agreed with a chuckle. She told me she would schedule me for the psych appointment on Monday when I came in, also taking me closer to the end of the processes. If all goes well, I hope to have everything done by the end of October so it can go to my insurance company for approval and I can prayerfully get a date. I felt my excitement return :cursing: and it put me back on cloud 9.

Only problem is, I know I have gained weight. I am not sure how much, but I know its most if not all of the 8 lbs I had lost. I have been doing happy hour more often with other stressful workers filling my body on a Grey Goose laden pink lemonade cocktail I enjoy always with a side of buffalo wings. I feel like crap. My back aches from the slight gain and my clothes are tighter. In fact a favorite pair of jeans I purchased a size smaller (it was the last pair and they were on sale) that I was fitting well, can not be zipped.:eek: Yeah guess who feels crappy about that?!

One of my assistants is prepping for gastric and she just finally finished the last of her testing yesterday. We promised we would try to set our dates where they wont collide, especially since her surgery is going to require more recovery time. It looks like that is going to be impossible at this point and she will probably get to go in first. I cant worry about it or her because I still have a very long way to go and alot more work to do, but my level of excitement has come back and I am looking forward to Monday so I can find out the result of my tests and prepare for the next phase.

Please keep me in prayer.

Congrats on your weight loss! You look great and you are truly inspiring. Keep up the great work!

It seems like everything has simply stalled for me and as a result I have lost focus..lost my mind..lost my excitement. I have been eating like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I do have see the bariatric surgeon again until the middle of next month and the sleep study the week after. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomorrow and find myself sidetracked. Work has been very stressful and co-workers and I have been going out for drinks and as a result have found myself the next morning trying to eat down hangovers the next morning or working through breakfast or lunch because it is so busy then going overboard at the next meal. Just picking up alot of the bad habits that got me to where I am today. The little bit of wieght I lost I am sure I have gained back and I feel my distractions have come easier because I am not moving along in the process to getting the surgery at the initial pace which seemed to have me doing something once a week when I first started my journey.

One of the other concerns I have is making sure I have the money I will need for the psych and nutritionist appts that will cost me close to $500. With my oldest daughter in college and my youngest starting high school in a couple of weeks, my husband wanting to complete home improvement projects and no overtime at work my money is very "funny". So in a sense, the delay is somewhat of a blessing since it gives me some time to save but at this point and pace, I don't see myself getting a date until the end of the year or beginning of next year.

From the beginning I have told myself if it is meant to be, everything that I need will be available when I need it and I will be just fine. My faith is all I have.

So its another Sunday, and again I promise myself to get back on the horse of developing more positive habits, that will simply get me prepared for what I will eventually have to make a permanent part of my life.

Hi Girlfriend! As always it is nice to "hear" from you. Congrats on your new home, that is definitely a great accomplishment and I wish you the very best of luck. I appreciate you sharing the fact you were able to enjoy some of the foods you love and feeling that a bite was enough. That is very encouraging to me since I am one of those people that simply love food...the colors, flavors and smells and I know changing my relationship with food is going to be instrumental to my success or failure. I am looking at the lapband as the restrictive control my mind does not have when I have my food favorites in front of me.

Again, congrats on your new home. It sounds like you are about to not only re-invent yourself but your entire life and I applaud you. Until the next time..

Great post! I love it and I applaud you for refusing to let what you see define the love you have for yourself. I had to chuckle at a couple of descriptions, but the brutal honesty is what I am seeking in these very early stages of my journey, so thank you for sharing and you strut your stuff in that bathing suit with your head held high because like you HAVE succeeded!

Its been a while and stress at work more than anything has kept me from the very good routine I had started with visiting the site and posting to my blog, but better late than never... right? Well it will definitely have to be right in my case because my preliminary phases have been stretched out a little.

This past Thursday I had my lab work, ultrasound and upper GI. I have to admit I was shocked by the speediness that I was able to get everything done and be out of the hospital. It was a truly effortless day.

I am not scheduled to see the docs again until next month but I finally heard from the folks at the sleep study center and I have an appointment on the 26th. I have heard more than once it will not be a good night's sleep and I may have to do it twice. The 2nd appointment is 2 weeks after that first and then I have to see their doctor in early October. Since I was told the appointments for the nutrionist and psychologist does not occur until after those phases, in my mind I do not see myself getting a date (if its all approved..still have to keep my fingers crossed on that) until Thanksgiving or later. That actually might not be a bad idea..in fact, if possible I might even push for mid-December so I can recovery during the Xmas holidays with my family.

As my title suggests, I consider the late dates to be a step back, but not like the other 2. First..the smoking thing..I would like to say I kicked it cold turkey but I have not:thumbdown:..still working on it. I have cut back to damn near nothing which is why it makes me angry when I actually smoke. I get the urge more for the "habit" reason than the physical need for nicotine since I actually went a whole day without one. It still makes me feel like crap if I have one, so the insanity of it just pisses me off.

Like I said work has been a real source of stress and I took time off as a result and ended up totally falling off my wagon of small portions, good food choices and just being more active and I am SURE I have gained back at least 5 of the 8 lbs I lost. I can feel it. I feel horrible. I just lost my damn mind. I binged on all of my favorite things. Chinese food, fast food, wings, and alcohol meeting up with thin girlfriends for drinks. Horrible! And of course..like it goes..more I ate..more I got tired and less active. Yes, I am totally disgusted with myself! :thumbup:

But today..is a new day..I am back in the right frame of mind. Because I understand it is truly all about how I think and IF I think about what I am doing. I simply have to get my focus back and remember my goal. I am also going to re-visit the discussion with my husband about the surgery because I certainly cannot go to the sleep study without telling him since he may be a little concerned and/or if he comes home from work and I am not in the bed. I am going to simply advise him that my point of discussion is not to get his permission or for him to agree but to give him the opportunity to go to an appointment with me and/or one of the upcoming information sessions I want to attend. I also want him to understand I would like to have his support, but with 2 supportive daughters than can help me with the physical and emotional issues that may arise, if I don't it will not deter me. It really is that simple.

Please keep me in prayer.

Hi Girlfriend..

Your sense of humor about everything makings reading your blog a real joy...imagining the needle just sticking out your stomach while you took a quick nap made me chuckle. I appreciate you sharing this because I never imagined getting a fill could be problematic. I am still in my early phases but getting close. Thanks for sharing..

My life has been moving at a very fast and stressful pace the last couple of days and I did not get the opportunity to detail my first visit with the doctor this past Monday which now has become a slight blur after a day of meetings and the training of 2 new assistants. But the details are simple..the appointment was longer than expected mostly due to waiting..I saw the bariatric doctor first and she gave me a full examination and a clean bill of health to proceed with getting the procedure. That was no surprise since I have been blessed to live all these years with extra weight and none of the health problems usually associated with being obese. She asked me how much weight I was looking to lose and agreed I would be a great candidate for lapband. The nutrionist came in next and spoke with me about alot of the same things she had discussed at the seminar I attended a week before and little tips on how to "practice" what will become my new style of eating. I kinda felt like she probably did the same speel with everyone and could do it in her sleep, but like everyone on the staff, she was really nice and it probably was more me, than her feeling like there was nothing this woman could tell me about how to eat properly, the food pyramid, reading labels and exercising...I knew the rules..I just did not apply them to my life. The surgeon met with me last with his plastic stomach replica to show me how the band actually works and also touched base on my concerns about blot clots since I had a clot last year. He was very patient with my questions and made me feel at ease. The fact that I had checked him out online when my primary doctor gave me the referral, helped alot. By the time I left (3 1/2 hours later) I was exhausted and starving :drool: but smiling brightly because I had my appointments scheduled for the necessary tests all patients have. My sleep study was the only thing not scheduled but with another 6 weeks before I return to see the doctors, I will wait to hear from them for my appointment.

On a good note...I met my angel. Despite some distractions she had that morning, she managed to meet me and sat with me while I waited to be seen. She was just as beautiful as a person as I imagined and having her there for support was truly special. She is highly opinionated on some things, but I like her spirit.

On a quasi bad note..I have been smoking. Considering the fact I am doing it sans any smoking aids and for the first time ever since I started smoking at age 20, I think I am doing pretty well. I bought a pack on a very stressful morning when I couldnt "bum" one and found myself reaching for them as my stress continued. I smoked about 8-10 cigarettes a day before I decided to quit, now i have been smoking about 2-4 a day. I will not give up. I will just continue to try because I know I have had enough and have been tired of the habit for a long time. Its just been a really long and stressful work week. (and its only Wed) Its no excuse..but its the truth.

On another good note..I weighed in at my appointment at 270. That was a 8 lb weight loss since I saw my doctor last month with no real effort. Just small changes to my diet and doing those little things like walking a little further and just getting off my ass. My appetite has also decreased because I have cut back but today I felt as if I really cheated myself because despite the intent to have a heatlhy lunch that I bought to work, I rushed when I finally got a chance to eat without being abel to savor my food and of course ate more than I would have when I got home for dinner if I would have been able to eat what I took to work.

I am truly trying to embrace my life and I am looking forward to process ahead of me simply because I know as I complete each phase, it is just taking me closer to getting banded and the road to making positive changes in my life.

I feel like I am in a really weird dream. Like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes where someone is watching their life happen from a different perspective wondering what in the world is going on. What have I done, what am I about to do and am I losing my freaking mind...

Ok..I quit smoking. Wellllllllllllllllll I feel like a fraud saying it so emphatically considering the fact I have had puffs from my aunt's cigarettes the last couple of mornings I have met with her to have coffee. After smonking 20 + years, I think to not BUY a pack is a plus...especially since I have never tried to quit in the past and really am trying to do but simply...stopping. I guess its easy to stop when I feel it in a bad way instead of the comforting way it did at a time. Oh..dont get me wrong..the thought has crossed my mind..especially during the times I would ALWAYS smoke (after a meal) But now I am trying to think like a non smoker but reminding myself I dont smoke anymore. Just that simple..I can't let a bad habit ruin my chance of getting my lapband.

I was a little more liberal with my eating yesterday than I had the whole week hanging out with my girlfriends on our girls night out. Cant have a girls night out without magaritas and hot wings. I tried to watch the amount and do little things like park a little further from where I would normally park whenever I go out forcing me to get exercise. I know its small things but small things can make a difference. On top of all of these changes I am trying to make, I am being surrounded by changes ...a new boss, resistance to change, has all my coworkers frazzled..my marriage has been very rocky the last couple of weeks and I am in the process of trying to get major life altering surgery..

But I have a peace over me that I have never experienced before and for the first time ever... despite all this madness..I believe..NO..I KNOW..everything is going to be ok because where I am..is where I am meant to be and God is in charge and no matter I am going to be okay:thumbup: