(Deleted through replacement

I do exercise. I don't eat big desserts and meals anymore. The point of this procedure was to make things go from "awful" to "bearable." Anyway, I'm not sure what else to say. I'm a person on the end of my mental rope near constantly. I barely have all my adult stuff together. This is one more burden. I'm doing what I can. I think most people don't quite understand the razor edge that I'm on. One thing going wrong and my entire existence falls apart. It's what I can to do keep things together. That's the last I'll say in the thread. Thanks to the nice folks, I know lots of people here mean well. I should never have looked at that damn scale at work. Good luck with stuff you're doing, and have fun around the internet.

Did everyone just ignore that I said I did make the changes? I don't eat desserts anymore except on like, Christmas or whatever. Things like that. But surely people understand that sacrifices suck and that I hate this? Is there no sympathy for "this is a miserable experience"? Because it is. I can't magically decide to like something. If I could, I'd have decided that I hated reading books and would rather hike all day every day instead and I'd be super ripped. Basically it's awful to watch everyone having awesome things and not being able to have them. Is this not a human emotion? That people can offer comfort/solidarity about? I feel like I had y'all on my side and then everyone just went "oh wait nope." I do think science will just fix all of this one day. I'm a pretty strong believer in technology over biology. It's just not here yet. Dammit, I can't delete my account. Apparently they don't let you do that. I prefer to wipe all traces of myself when things go wrong online.

So you're boiling all this down to "just try harder"? ...Yeah, ok, maybe I shouldn't have posted here. I have tried my ass off since I was a literal child and got made fun of in school for being the chubby kid. I have been on like every diet ever. I have done sports. You seem to think I'm being lazy, and that, frankly, is a pile of "stuff I can't say on this forum apparently because it will get bleeped." I was hoping people who got these procedures would understand that "suck it up and try harder" hasn't worked for most of the population and sure won't work now. I have zero shame at doing things for vanity. I'd rather be gorgeous and depressed than, well, me and depressed. It's like they say, money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather be sad on a yacht. Can we delete threads? I'd like to delete this whole thing.

Thank you for the data. That's a lot of encouragement, actually. ❤️ I'm the worst because I absolutely freaking hate salad. And anything that is a leaf. It tastes so bitter. Cabbage is basically the only leaf I consider edible lol. I miss two things in my life, and I'm not sure there are substitutes, but maybe you have ideas? 1. Restaurants. I love being catered to. It's nice to just go sit in a booth and read my phone and stuff. I also hate dishes and cleaning, so takeout was a staple before I got ESG. There's little more sad than sitting around while your friends are eating and realizing you have to go hungry on a tiny appetizer or take a whole ton of food home. It's...it's just...I don't go out to eat too much anymore. More than I should, but way less than I did. You guys will get me to ditch my once a week Indian food brunch over my cold, dead corpse, though. No way no how. 2. Desserts. Holy cow I have a massive sweet tooth. I try to satisfy it with diet soda and some sucralose in my tea, but I was raised in the South by family who asked kids if they wanted ice cream the moment they got bored. I had to kick that habit a long while ago, but it kills me that I've had to cut back even more. I would shiv somebody's grandma for chocolate cake, and it has to be in quantity to be satisfying. A teeny sliver of cake is a joke -- you gotta have one of those big slices you could use a doorstop. When I was a kid, I could do that. I miss going to a local seafood joint that had a slice the size of my kid hand. Cubed. Like a hand on each side. Slight exaggeration, but it was heaven. I'm sniffling just thinking about it. I have cut out like 98% of desserts in my life and I still cry inside when my friends get a milkshake and I'm not allowed any. It feels punitive. To me, nice food is as good as sex, easily. I wish I could make myself hate food, so much. I'm so lucky because my husband is a god in the kitchen, but I'm unlucky because he wants to make all the things and I have to go "...nope, can't have it, but now I can SMELL IT ALL DAY."

I told my husband about the weighing thing and he is SO ON BOARD so if he does it for me I'll have the data lol. I just feel like it would be crossing some threshold I'm not ready for to be one of those people tweaking tiny amounts of food onto a postage scale...

Revision: it takes a month to recover from an actual sleeve, and I have way too fast-paced a job to do that. I'd probably have to take unpaid leave or even quit the job. I can't. ESG was only a thing I could do because it had a week recovery time tops. If the sleeve had a week recovery, I'd have done that instead. Regarding vanity: They know. They have all my medical stats. They know my blood pressure is something that people aspire to, that my labs are clean as a whistle, and that I can drag a kayak a mile through choppy waters to shore or walk 10 miles straight for 3 hours. They know I have major psychological issues surrounding my body. I've seen a therapist for over a decade for in part this reason. It hasn't made me like how I look whatsoever, just helped me cope enough to have a reasonable life. I'm on several psych meds. As it stands, I have a view on this that is similar to transition. When you have gender dysphoria, people who are any kind of sane by modern science don't tell you to suck it up and go to therapy to embrace being your birth sex. They tell you to seek hormone treatments and transition, because transition works. I don't think that trying to love being fat works either. You change your body if you want to change your body. I'm going to cut back to 1000 cal/day goal and hate my life, but I guess it's something. And I mean technically I guess I have lost like 30 lbs worst case. I'm just so pissed and dismayed that I haven't gotten below pre-pandemic weight before my wedding. I want to be Internet Hot (tm) at my wedding.

Actually, I did say what I wanted to hear. I said, please tell me I haven't failed. It's literally in the title. Making a passive-aggressive post over here about my thread is kinda rude.

true facts?! how do you block people

Also other meds have not worked. Phentermine didn't work, Metformin didn't work, the Phentermine-Topiramate didn't work, Qsymia didn't work. Nothing but Saxenda put a dent in this, and my insurance stopped covering it. I did change jobs and thus insurance recently, so I'm going to see if anything has changed. I'm an annoyingly difficult case.

Also, did you see he made a passive-aggressive post in the Rants area about this? Ugh. I'm already screwed up enough. I don't need anything more to make me sad. I need scraps of hope and happiness.

God forbid anyone post for encouragement and comfort. Go away, please.

I have an appointment Tuesday. I'm terrified. I'm probably just going to get told I'm not doing enough. I want Wegovy, because apparently it hella works, but there's a shortage. No way am I getting to 200 lbs by October for my wedding. I'm starting to get desperate and look around to see if I can get something faster online...

I say "think" because I'm not like, weighing my food. That makes me neurotic and ain't nobody got time for that level of panic. I do record what I eat and drink. I have to balance absolutely hating myself whenever I think about weight (and yes I'm in therapy, this hasn't gone away despite like a decade of work on it) with actually managing to count calories. Your earlier post: Is it really "fatphobic" to not like the way fat looks? I really don't think so. People have preferences. You can't be attracted to everyone. I have zero health issues related to my weight (several doctors can attest), and so if it weren't about vanity, I wouldn't be doing any of this, I'd be eating a damn cupcake the way I want to. As for timeline: My doctor says if I haven't lost at least 15% in a year, it's not enough. I see a dietician monthly. The thing is, since my scale kept showing slightly lower numbers, and they were good lower numbers, we all thought what was happening was fine. I actually settled into a life that I liked, even eating less food. But I can't really go any less, or cut out any more things I like, without running into "now this is a drain on my daily mental resources," which I can't afford to have. I already have depression and anxiety going on. I have a difficult career. I can't do much more.

I'll be straight up with you, I have never found a fat person pretty. I'm sorry. I've tried so hard. (Really -- I did my best to date fat folks a couple times because otherwise they were super cool, but my sex drive just cannot work with that. Fat is the opposite of hot to me. I feel bad for those folks having to deal with me. It was over a decade ago haha.)

251 is the post cleanse weight, meaning I had everything purged from my system to prep for surgery. My home scale agreed with that. Idk what my "has food/waste in system" weight was. My scale said 210 when I had food poisoning a week ago, so I guess the work scale would have said 220-225. So that's like, 32 lbs to be charitable, under the same conditions.