Suzi_the_Q

Aren't you the guy that a few days ago posted SHAMING others about their posts about struggling with their journeys- your "STOP MAKING EXCUSES!!!" thing??? (And it came out that you were really just posting for attention, like today) THAT kind of attitude is what discourages people.

10 days ago....

Didn't you post this last week under a different name??

If you only took a couple of weeks to recover from pneumonia then your body recuperates really well! It took me MONTHS to fully get over it each time I've had it. You can do this!

One of the first questions that family and friends ask me now that I'm over 7 months' post-surgery is "How much have you lost?"
I used to respond by giving them a number, but realized that the number didn't really didn't give them the whole picture.
Instead, I now respond by telling them what I've lost...and what I've gained.
I've lost my high blood pressure. I've lost my diabetes medication. I've lost my high risk of stroke. I've lost my high risk of heart disease. I've lost the pain in my knees, my legs, my ankles.
But I've also gained a lot. I've gained new self-confidence. I've gained the ability to play tennis, ride a bike, ride a horse, go hiking in the woods, or ride on a roller-coaster. I've gained a new perspective on what it means to enjoy life (hint: it's not about how much food I can put in my mouth or how much beer I can drink on the weekends). I've gained self-respect. I've gained the joy of inspiring my children and my husband to live better.
It took a while, but I've finally realized that it's not about the numbers or the dress size (although it is nice to see those go down ) It's more about the gift of Life that we have given ourselves.
So how much have YOU lost? And what have you gained?

Welcome to the forums.
Congratulations on your progress toward getting your WLS.
Many, dare I say most WLS folks had health issues as part of their consideration for having surgery. It is not at all unusual.
Surgeries have complications. Living has complications. As with all things, you need to do the math to determine which is the riskier option: WLS or no WLS, that is the question.
Nearly the last thing my Doc said to me before wheeling me into surgery was "You know you can die from this surgery? Do you want to continue?"
I had already done the math. I was gonna be immobile and a burden to everyone around me within 5 years. Even death on the table was preferable. I spoke with my spouse and parents about it and we were all on the same page. I don't want to spoil the ending of the story, but I didn't die.
Since the surgery many of my health issues self-resolved. I'm on fewer meds now than I was pre-op. I've done things I never imagined I would do.
Since you're well into satisfying your requirement it seems like you did the math.
Good luck
Tek

I'm the last person who is qualified to give relationship advice, but hey, it's the internet, so I'm not going to let that stop me from throwing in my 2 cents. It is true that a lot of marriages end after WLS, so I don't blame him for being worried. But marriages don't end as a direct result of WLS; they end as a result of changes to the marriage from the (mostly positive) changes of losing weight and improving health. Sometimes it's because people put up with more than they should because they don't think anyone else will love them, and when they lose weight, they realize they don't need to put up with abuse to be loved. Other times, it's because your interests and priorities may change when you're physically able to do things you couldn't do when you were bigger.
It's not fair for him to put it all on you, though. If I understand correctly, you have tried to get him to go to marriage counseling and he won't do it. If the marriage is so important to him, he needs to put some effort into it, too. It is NOT a selfish decision to do something to improve your health. Unless you are actively planning to lose weight so you can find a better husband, deciding to have WLS does not equal choosing to end your marriage.

I'm a guy, was married 27-28 years when I started toward surgery. My wife was like you, outgoing, social, etc. I am like your husband, introverted, insecure, a curmudgeon. Ok, here we go...
I've heard it said "WLS makes good marriages better and bad marriages worse."
My wife supported me 100%. But I initiated a similar discussion. Since I was always huge, I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't change. What if I did? We finally decided worrying about it doesn't and won't change anything. Worrying now (then) was wasted energy. I had no intention of allowing WLS to kill my marriage and we had to settle there. It wasn't just one discussion, we had it several times before and after surgery. Each time we reconfirmed our commitments to each other.
Unless your husband is typically a jerk to you, I wouldn't count his insecurity against him. It's a fair concern. You both have issues and you love each other. But, once you remove your issues he fears he won't be good enough for the new you. Talk about it. Reassure him in no uncertain terms your feelings and intentions. Each time it comes up. Affirm your feelings toward him.
If he is a total jerk, well surgery or not you have some thinking to do. My experience won't help you here.
For the record, our marriage got better. My insecurities about the new me didn't blossom, but I'm still insecure. I am still me and I'm still in love with my wife more every day. She reports the same... but I think she's just being nice
Good luck
Tek

Thank you friends. All wise words and it's nice to just be heard. I will definitely be going forward with the surgery. I appreciate you all and this community so much. Thank you!

some relationships get better, some get worse, some stay about the same. Mine actually got better - my husband is/was very active, and at almost 400 lbs, I couldn't keep up with him. Now - I can! But I've also known a couple of people who've ended up divorced. I think it largely depends on how the marriage was BEFORE the surgery. Some people, after losing their excess weight, decide they're not going to put up with the crap any longer. They're more self-confident, they're more attractive to others (so there are other fish in the sea, if they so choose), so they're comfortable saying good-bye.
SO...long way of saying, it's certainly not a guarantee that you'll have an affair or want a divorce. But I'm glad you're talking to your therapist. It sounds like there are issues there. I personally don't know if I'd want to put up with them, but then, I'm not you. You may prefer to stay and work on the issues - and that's fine! Like others have said, I have no advice for you - but I'm glad you're seeing a therapist to help you work some of this out.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

before surgery that is! I had to take a pause and wait for covid and changing insurance to go through.. anyway, Oct 13 I will meet the surgeon, go to surgery scheduling, and go over benefits! Sounds like my surgery won't be until November, but it will be SOON!! I'm sooo excited!

"Bariatric Surgery is probably one of the most effective interventions in health care."
- Laurie K. Twells, clinical epidemiologist at Memorial University of Newfoundland [2]
Are you lurking on these forums debating whether or not you should have surgery? Unsure about making a permanent change to your lifestyle and body, or thinking that since you lost x number of lbs before, you can do it again? Heard about all the horror stories of complications and regain? This was me, one year ago. I want to tell you about the study that changed my mind.
This study[1] looked at three groups: 418 patients who sought and underwent Roux-en-Y gastric bypass (surgery group), 417 patients who sought but did not undergo surgery (primarily for insurance reasons) (nonsurgery group 1), and 321 patients who did not seek surgery (nonsurgery group 2). They performed clinical examinations at baseline and at 2 years, 6 years, and 12 years to ascertain the presence of type 2 diabetes, hypertension, and dyslipidemia.
Let me highlight a couple images from their study. These charts graph the amount patients lost as a percentage of total weight (NOT excess weight) at 2, 6, and 12 years relative to their baseline. First, this graph is the individuals who did not seek surgery.

This group lost only 0.9% of their total weight 12 years after the study began. Those empty triangles? Those are people who ended up getting bariatric surgery anyways. Lets look at the second group, people tho sought out surgery but couldn't get it. So at least we are aware that this group is invested in losing weight.

This group fared slightly better, as patients lost a mean of 2% of their body weight at 12 years out. This excludes patients who got surgery (they lost an average of 10%). Lets look at patients who did get the surgery.


Patients lost an average of 26% of their total body weight even after 12 years. I found this difference absolutely remarkable. To reach that average 26% body weight loss without surgery, you would need to be in the top 5-10% of losers. Think about that.
I used to see getting the surgery as an admission of my own personal failure at willpower and dieting. But this study makes it clear that the probability of success for non-surgical options is astoundingly low relative to bariatric surgery. Studies [3], [4], [5] reinforce the positive impact on health that bariatric surgery has on patients who choose to go through with it. Reading these helped put my mind at ease. Bariatric surgery is one of the best decisions I could make for my health.
I encourage you to skim through the studies to see other benefits I didn't outline here. The NYT[2] article is also a great read for seeing why bariatric surgery is so effective. It distills a lot of the studies into facts that you can use to arm yourself when speaking with family and friends who aren't supportive.
Sources:
[1] https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa1700459
[2] https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/13/well/why-weight-loss-surgery-works-when-diets-dont.html
[3] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11695-012-0718-9
[4] https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/oby.21322
[5] https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamasurgery/fullarticle/2546331#Introduction

I’m thankful for waking up each morning since my surgery, and knowing I have a new lease on life, with possibilities I haven’t dreamed of in over 20 years.
For a practically textbook surgery and recovery so far with no major complications, except minor pain around one incision.

And, for supportive family, friends, colleagues, and forum pals who’ve helped me along the way. You just never know how much something you write in this forum touches/helps others.

I'm thankful to have a super comfy bed to come home to after a long day. Who needs a man, when you've got a tempurpedic & fluffy pillows?

I'm just kidding, I'm not fancy enough for a tempurpedic, but I'm still thankful for my cushy knockoff Serta.

I'm thankful I am almost 100lbs down from my highest weight back in Aug 2019. From now on, I'm taking all pics like this!!!

I was just sitting here with my coffee and had all these thought running through my head so I started putting them down on paper as sometimes do. Hope you enjoy it----
Twas the night before bypass and all through my head
Was a mixture of feelings, thoughts, and cheers.
I have worked hard to get here and this day has come,
Its time to cheer and shout, Tell the world “Here I come”
No more will I hide behind this wall of shame
That kept me from being the person I am,
The true me is coming, I’m ready to shine
So onward pride, happiness, love, peace, and joy
You will show the sadness, guilt, and loneliness where to go,
There is a new me inside all ready to show.
So know that the fear, anxiousness, and worry is there now,
But remember just what the purpose is and it will bring a big smile.

I think though that responses can and should depend upon who is asking. A nosy co worker or meddling aunt is different than a spouses business dinner.

I think there is a lot of food policing and food shaming on this board but also people IRL sometimes food shame and food police people so I thought your rant would be about this.
Imagine you're invited to dinner and have a bit of dessert. Aunt Fanny says: "Oh, do you really think you should eat this?" - like WTH?? just STFU, b*tch! It's not your damn business!
A user asks about eating bread or pasta: "WHAAAAAAT????! How can you even think about eating this!!!!!"
---
That's what I'd describe as "food shaming". What you described was IMO more the reaction of a host thinking that you didn't like the food and maybe he felt like he failed to cater to everyone on his party, especially since you mentioned he's a very generous man when it comes to food.

"Is that all you're eating?"
Why do you ask?
"Don't you like the food? "
Why do you ask?
They will give up.

Yes, pre pandemic I had many business meals. And the amount I was eating was often commented on. Usually it was out of concern but not always. Next time just be prepared with an excuse, stomach has been bothering you, an illness or something. In the case of shaming an answer like , “I’m going through some medical issues” usually shuts them up.

Unfortunately, many people who enjoy overeating like to see everyone around them overeat as well (maybe so they can pretend it's normal to eat that much?).
My only experience was with a friend's husband who basically mad an ass of himself by continually asking me "Is that all you're eating?" in a loud and rude tone. He didn't know about my WLS, but did know I was on a "diet" so of course that was all I was eating! I just kept replying "Yes, and when I'm all skinny next year you'll remember how I got there!" Mind you, he ate 4 or 5 slices of pizza on top of appetizers and a few beers, but he was the one commenting on what I ate! LOL!!
When this happens, don't be embarrassed as I'm sure everyone at the table was thinking your host was the rude one!
A positive story was a recent dinner with some girlfriends, and as we perused the menu, one of them asked me what I was getting (fish tacos) and then ended up ordering the same thing. I did my usual of leaving the tortillas on the plate and using a fork to pick out the good stuff. I didn't even notice that she was doing the same thing until she said "I want to look like you, so I'm doing what you are doing!" and she thanked me for inspiring her to eat healthier. So ignore the rude people, do your own thing, and you never know who you are inspiring!

One piece of advice to your partners: don’t make you feel guilty or make negative comments about your weight loss. If they are struggling with insecurities with the changes you’ll make (with your body, with self confidence, with your lifestyle in general) then they should talk to you about it. They might struggle more than any of you realize, and that’s probably really normal - but you should just be aware. A major life change for you will be a change for your relationships too. Good luck to you, my friend. 😊

I did the preop diet. Four days prior to surgery i had little ceasars pizza and breadsticks. The remaining 3 days i went liquid shakes only and the doc said my liver looked fine.

8 1/2 months after surgery and 14 months after starting my weight loss journey, I am officially in One-derland!!! As of this morning I am down from a starting weight of 333.6 to 199.3.
😎🤸‍♀️🌈