MusicMom1384

I think a lot of mine is genetics but also health issues. I was a size 14/16 when I got married. I was absolutely perfect with that! Ive always been bigger than my friends but a lot of that had to do with my build too... I'm 5'8. Literally right after we got married I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis... I'd never had any issues with intimacy before because I'd never been intimate before marriage. However, intercourse hurt immensely, more than the normal part of your body getting used to it. They found a grapefruit sized cyst on my left ovary and scheduled surgery, that's when they found the Endo growing up my spine, all on my insides... after surgery they put me on Lupron depo. I hate this medicine. It put me in a medically induced menopause (I was 22), made me violent, angry, depressed and I gained 60 pounds in 3 months!!!! My self confidence plummeted! My husband has never once criticized me or made me feel less than Beautiful in any way but he is definitely behind me getting this surgery. [emoji4] I'm looking forward to reclaiming some lost years.

This used to be "stickied"... Apparently the glue gave out on the tape.
I posted some additional things from my therapy sessions on SmartBandsters, and thought I'd post them here as well. Some is a repeat of the tool above - I'm just going to combine it all together anyway. :eek:
//But why does it still FEEL so much like dieting?// //How can I start making "wise food choices" the majority of the time without bringing back the dieter deprivation mentality? Any suggestions?//
I had the same struggle when I went through compulsive overeating therapy - okay, nothing's off limits, but I'm still trying to eat healthy, so... how is this different from dieting?!?!
I did finally figure it out - it is 100% about the mindset. If you are dieting, and you eat a cookie, you "broke your diet", and that equates in our minds that "we failed". Considering ourselves a failure puts in motion all the negative tapes we've developed over the years: "I have no willpower." "I'm such a loser." "I am worthless, I can't even do this right." "I can't do anything right." "Who would want someone who can't do anything right?" "I am unworthy of love and good things because I can't do anything right." "I am unworthy of love." "I am unworthy of life." "I am a useless waste of space." "Since no one cares anyway, why do I even try?" "I'm so fat now, what does it matter what I eat?" And then the bingeing would start. At least, that was how my tapes progressed, and the actions I took based on them.
If you aren't dieting, and you have a cookie, that was just a choice, and there was no failure, because the focus ISN'T on NOT EATING Cookies (the diet mentality), but choosing more healthy foods MOST OF THE TIME.
It is very difficult to let go of the "all or nothing" attitude that most of us have. Life is not about "all or nothing" - it is ALL about compromise and balance. Our value as human beings does not revolve around how "perfect" we are. We do not have to EARN love. People love us because they do - not because we meet all of their expectations. None of us are 100% anything. If we fail at our job, we are NOT failures, because there are things we do not fail at. The worst we can ever say about ourselves is that we fail sometimes and succeed sometimes. We are loveable sometimes and we are unloveable sometimes. We make good choices sometimes, and we make bad choices sometimes. NO ONE is EVER 100% anything. Life just is not that black and white.
I know that in my previous attempts to lose weight, I felt that if I was not suffering in someway, if my attempt somehow did not have a "drastic" quality about it, then I wasn't trying hard enough. My therapy taught me how untrue that was, and how that sabotaged everything I did. I do not have to kill myself at the gym everyday to add exercise to my life! What a news flash!! I do not have to follow my "plan" everyday to be a success! What? If I'm not perfect, I can still be successful? My negative tapes started to get erased. Everytime that hateful voice started up, I said out loud, "STOP!" EVERYTIME. And then I replaced that negative voice with a positive affirmation. "I am actively working on becoming more healthy." "I believe with practice that I will become more healthy." "I am getting better everyday." "I love myself just the way I am, right now, today." "I am worthy." "I am exactly where I need to be right now." That negative voice finally got the message, and that self-debilitating tape no longer plays in my head, destroying my self-esteem and joy in life.
The first thing I was required to do in therapy was to sign a contract with myself that I would "NEVER DIET AGAIN". This was very hard for me to do - dieting was all I knew. I also felt that if I signed that piece of paper, I really meant it - it was a promise to myself that I would never break. I did finally sign the paper, but it took me a week to do it.
The next step was to evaluate whether at any given time I was eating in response to physical hunger, or for some other reason. This was surprisingly difficult to figure out - the difference between physical hunger and emotional hunger - but the following exercise really helped me. It gave me a concrete, personalized tool to help me get in touch with my emotions, and gave me a pre-planned response to emotional hunger.
I was tasked to create a chart of alternative activities for the various emotions I felt throughout my days.
I am not a journaler by nature, so a lot of the counseling sessions were tedious for me - lol. But I thought that this particular exercise was so worthwhile, and gave me a concrete and self-tailored tool to help me deal with my emotions seperately from food.< /p>
First, take one week and write down the time every time you eat. Do not change your eating habits - this is not a good/bad kind of thing. In addition to the time, write what you ate, and then write how you are feeling: bored, tired, physically hungry, sad, worried, anxious, resentful, mad, loney, angry, frustrated... whatever. Write down EVERY emotion you're feeling at the time you eat. Do this for an entire week.
Second, review your week's journal. On a separate piece of paper, write down every emotion you noted. This in itself can be enlightening - you get to see the kind of foods you are drawn to when you're eating for a reason other than physical hunger.
Third, for all the times you were not eating in response to physical hunger, think about all the things you could have done INSTEAD of eating that would have had the same effect on your mood that eating did. Some of the items on my list were: take a hot bath, give myself a facial, take a walk, play on the computer, curl up in front of the TV with a sugar-free hot chocolate, call a friend to chat, work in the yard. My food tendency is to eat to calm and relax myself, or to entertain myself.
Fourth, make a grid. Down the left hand side write each of your emotions from your journal week. Across the top, write each of the alternate activities you thought up.
Fifth, read each emotion, and mark an "X" under each activity that you think would help you deal with that emotion. For me, when I was feeling anxious or frustrated, I felt a more active response like working in the yard or taking a walk would be helpful. But for the times I was feeling neglected, or worried, or tired, a more nurturing activity like a hot bath, or reading sounded more soothing.
Once your grid is completed, and you have your emotions matched up with activities, you have a valuable tool for when you want to eat but you know you are not physically hungry. Whip out that chart, find your emotion, and look at the things you want to try before turning to food.
Sometimes you will still turn to food - that's okay! Be good to yourself. Remember that food has been an important coping mechanism in your life, and do NOT feel guilty or bad! However, the more you work with the tool, the more often you will end up substituting a different activity for eating in response to your emotions.
The goals of this exercise: 1. become aware of WHY we are eating 2. eat only in response to physical hunger 3. substitute an alternative behavior to eating in response to emotional hunger 4. be kind and loving to ourselves throughout the process
So although I sometimes choose to have a bag of Cheetos, my negative tapes have been erased, and I do not descend into "I am worthless" hell. I think about what I'm eating, and whether or not there is any more nutritious choice that would satisfy me, or any alternative activity that would satisfy me (if I'm eating for non-physical hunger reasons). I have permission to eat the whole bag, so I don't HAVE to do it because it's forbidden. And because it's not forbidden, I don't HAVE to eat the whole thing so it's not there to "tempt" me tomorrow. I am allowed to have them WHENEVER I want. Because I am allowed, and do not feel guilty, I can admit to myself that 98% of the time that eating a lean Protein and veggies instead of Cheetos is just as good. So not eating Cheetos at that meal (or AS that meal!) is not some kind of sacrifice. The truth is, I don't crave Cheetos everyday - I don't even crave them every month. So when I do, REALLY crave them, I have them (or whatever it is I'm craving). But MOST of the time, I don't really crave anything specific, in which case lean meats and veggies suffice.
Additional ways to successfully eradicate the “diet mentality”:
1. Eat immediately in response to hunger. Don't wait! It doesn't have to be a huge meal if you need to have a "real" meal at a later time because you have dinner plans, or some such thing, but eat at least a little something to tide you over. It's the only way your body and subconscious will start to trust again that the diet mentality really is dead. Plus it helps keep us from getting too hungry and overeating when we finally do eat.
2. STOP eating when you are full. This is much easier to do if you ALWAYS eat immediately in response to physical hunger, and much easier if you start eating BEFORE you are starving! Being able to stop eating when you are full is dependent on the build-up of trust in the very core of your being that you WILL eat again when you are physically hungry. In the past it was dangerous to stop eating, because we never knew when our minds would start playing that game with our meals again – “Okay, no more pizza ever.” Or “No more pizza for 3 months.” Or “No more pizza until I reach “x” goal.” Or “I just ate so much, I need to skip dinner.” Or “I am so full, I’m doing liquids for two days to ‘make up for this’”. The diet mentality is behind all of these thoughts. Diet mentality = making up for, punishing for, compensating for.
3. While de-programming the negative tapes, just as important as saying "STOP!" as soon as that tape starts to play is to replace that negative tape with something positive. It has to be something you utterly believe, and the phrases can get stronger as your beliefs about yourself heal. The best I could start with to combat the negative tapes were, "I am actively working on becoming more healthy." "I believe with practice that I will become more healthy." I graduated to "I am getting better everyday." After three months, I was finally able to say (and MEAN), "I love myself just the way I am, right now, today." "I am worthy." "I am exactly where I need to be right now."
4. Treat yourself with love and understanding, like you would a best friend, beloved child, or adored pet. Talk to yourself like you would them. It seems silly, but I am able to comfort myself and feel better when I have these types of conversations in my head: "Oh, honey, you want cake? It does look good, doesn't it? Have you had a bad day, my sweet? You have? I'm so sorry. How horrible was it? So-and-so hurt your feelings? They were probably having a bad day, too. I'm so sorry your feelings were hurt. Do you think maybe you'd like some grilled meat instead? Does that sound good to you? No? You want something sweet? Okay. How about a sugar-free, fat-free yogurt? Does that sound good? Are you really hungry, precious, or are you just feeling bad? Just feeling bad? Let's look at our list of alternative activities. How about a hot bubble bath? Yes, that sounds good, doesn't it? Do you still want the cake? Maybe? Let's take the bath first, and if cake is still calling your name we'll get it. Okay?" Sometimes I settle for the bath, sometimes I settle for the cake. But I just feel much more nurtured when I have this kind of dialogue with myself, and the voice I use in my head is very sweet and loving.
5. Acknowledge EVERYTHING that you accomplished that day, no matter how small. It's amazing how many bizillion little things we do right EVERY single day, no matter what else goes wrong. Getting up when the alarm goes off, brushing your teeth, having clean clothes to wear, drinking your Water - every little thing that goes right counts. Getting credit from ourselves for everything we did right that day helps balance out the goals we may not have reached. Focus on what's right, and pick one thing you'd like to work on for tomorrow.
6. Make positive, achievable goals for yourself. Work up to where you want to be gradually - baby steps. Instead of saying, "I am going to work out every single day for at least an hour" when you've not had any kind of exercise routine in the past, say something like, "I am adding movement to my day today. I will take 20 more steps today than I did yesterday." Reinforce your positive actions with believable affirmations: "I love moving my body." "I enjoy how I feel when I am more active." "Walking a little each day makes me feel more in touch with myself, nurtured and loved." Each day is an opportunity to achieve realistic goals. Achieving realistic goals today is not dependent upon what did or did not happen yesterday, or what will or will not happen tomorrow. We are not required to repeat the mistakes of yesterday, nor do the mistakes of today have to carry into tomorrow. Each day is its own day, fresh and new, without burdens from yesterday or tomorrow.
Ah, there was/is so much to work on with me... lol I still haven't mastered the concept that saying "No" is an acceptable response... Particularly without some sort of explanation. I totally failed the role playing portion of that exercise.

I'm so grateful to have found this site and have read a number of stories that made me feel less alone in my own struggle. Here is my story:
March of 2008 I saw a weight loss surgeon who said all the right things to convince me I was too fat to lose weight on my own and the only way to have lifelong success was to sign up for WLS which required a thousand dollar deposit. I weighed 265 lbs at the time and in my late 30s was far too tired to try another diet and exercise program that would inevitably result in another 10lb weight gain. January of 2008 my employer switched to a new insurance carrier, I submitted paperwork in March for coverage for WLS and eventually got the definitive "no" in November 2008. Fast forward to October 2009, same doctor, same spiel, weight now 295lbs and co-morbidities presented to insurance carrier requesting coverage- denied. Februaury 2011, made a "lets just see" call to insurance carrier to find out if requirements were met........found out that one more year of a documented weight and BMI over 40 and the coverage would be extended! I put my ducks in a row and within 2 weeks of my initial doctors visit in February 2012 I was able to schedule my surgery for mid March.
I was shocked to find my weight ballooned to 347lbs but thrilled when I lost 16 lbs pre-surgery in a short 12 days. I took 5 days off work, gave away all the food in my pantry and bought the cutest pajamas I could find for my 3 day hospital stay. I packed my bag on Sunday and even though I was nervous and exited I slept until 5am when I took a luxurious bubble bath and set out for the hospital @ 7am. In pre-op my precious daughter sat and prayed with me, my anesthesiologist joked about just turning the big 40 too, my surgeon came in and smiled, answered my questions, quelled my fears and prayed with my daughter and I.
Nothing but blackness.
I barely woke to find myself in PACU alone and asked for my daughter to be allowed in.."sure honey, which one is she?"..."hmm, oh, she's the one with pink hair!". My sweet daughter came in and praised God with me that I was breathing and everything seemed fine. Fade to black again. I'm in a private room now and my daughter is sleeping on the sofa. The nurse comes in, the IV is checked, "here's your button for the morphine pump. Any time you feel pain coming on you press it." I'm not in pain, I feel my stomach and it feels flat already, stupid, it must be the drugs. My surgeon comes in with his PA and he looks flushed, sweaty and triumphant, "eveything went wonderful! no problems, a textbook case if there ever was one." we smile and I joke about calling What Not To Wear to get a new wardrobe.
I get up to the bathjroom as soon as I can. I'm anxious to see how I look and change out of the hospital gown. It's been 3hrs since surgery and i'm in my pajamas, robe and snuggly slippers and my daughter takes my arm and we begin our walk around the unit. I walk and walk, smiling and thinking what a good patient I am, no DVTs for me. My stay is uneventful, day 3 my surgeon smiles and says "time to go home!" I fill my prescriptions but I haven't touched the pain medicine and feel so powerful that I drive myself home.
Then the horror begins. The first noght i'm home I wind up in the bathroom with forceful diarhea that comes in waves of gut wrenching spasms. Over and over again, just foul smelling liquid, I sit there too long and now i'm sick, I pull the trash can over and vomit clear liquid until I think i'm going to pass out. My daughter gets me to bed, time to take the meds and not try to do it on my own, I slump back and its daytime now. My head is spinning and the spasms come again, diarhea, vomit.... I step on the scale, smile in a drug haze and think wow i've lost 2 more lbs! Nothing is clear anymore, what day is it? what time is it? did I take my pills? was it a dream or did I really eat a piece of chicken from the refrigerator? why won't the nausea stop? why do the Protein Shakes suddenly taste like dog butt? I can't get anything in, i'm trying to force 2oz popsicles down but when I finish one its back to the bathroom with waves of diarhea and vomiting. Day 6 post-op, I manage to take a shower with my daughter holding me up, pack 2 Protein shakes and my giant water bottle and trot off to work. I make it 2hrs into a ten hour shift and spend most of it in the bathroom vomiting blood...time to call the doctor.
I talk to the nurse who tellls me to drink as much Water as I can. I can't. I call and talk to another nurse who says to try a different Protein shake. I'm weak and sick and starting to lose it...I scream at my daughter "why won't you help me?". I call the nurse again, the PA calls me back "have you been able to take your meds and get some water in?" no, NO! It's been 11 days since surgery and now we're worried for some reason and my daughter has my bag packed and we're back at the hospital where they have my room ready and they put me back in a hospital gown. I don't see my doctor until Monday but Fri, Sat and Sun a variety of PAs mand other surgeons from the office come in and tell me things and they'll support me and some people have a harder time and just give it time, time time.
Monday the first of many PICC lines come and the tests start. In 3 days I blew 11 IV lines. The PICC line sounds wonderful but they hit my ulnar nerve and the vein occluded and I went back to my room with an open hole in my arm, a second PICC and a gown covered in blood..how did that happen with a sterile drape? So I can't eat but they think I won't and they tell me all the reasons I need to and they threaten if I don't its time for TPN. I try, I puke. I try everything, Unjury- ick, water-gross, eggs-vomit, pudding, ice cream, sherbet, yogurt, Jello... the nausea wells up from my toes and never ends. The TPN starts on Tuesday, I leave the hospital 13 days later, Maundy Thursday, I beg because tomorrow its Good Friday and I can't bear to be away from daughter on Easter.
Monday after Easter I have lost 8 lbs in the 4 days i've been home, somethings wrong. The doctor says to get a liter of Fluid and some Vitamins, it'll be ok, it's not. Friday the nurses come and set up the home TPN and show me how to do IV push meds, the saline, phenergen, saline, heparin, again, the zofran, again, 8 times a day. My house becomes and infirmary, boxes and boxes of supplies, dressings, medicine, saline, alcohol swabs, heparin. The dog can't be out when the dressing is changed, the TPN bag is changed once a day, add the vitamins, push the medicine.
It takes a few weeks and the meds are doubled, the nausea just won't fricking stop. The TPN is my savior. another month, double the meds again, brief periods of relief, my weight stabilizes @ 317....I had WLS for this? I can't work, i'm constantly sick and besides I have a doctors appointment every week and another test, EGD, swallowing, emptying studies, another EGD, but nothing is wrong "everything is fine, it may just take time for you. You might be on liquids for 6 months" my doctor says... liquids? it's been 3 months and I can drink about 12 oz a day... liquids? i'm still on TPN?!
It's been 4 months, I can't stand the TPN, we decrease the time and I try to eat what I can when I can. My weight is 318, d?@$ WLS! We double the meds, the phenergen is 4 times the dose it was when I had surgery, does anyone know this causes heart problems? We decrease the TPN, I can only eat right after I push the meds and I do it again right afterwards, then I pass out... weight loss is tough work, I manage to get down to 314.
Somethings wrong, I feel sick, sicker than usual haha...my daughter is talking to the nurse at the ER, "no she feels really sick, her heart is skipping beats maybe? her blood pressure is up. look at her arm, do you think it's swollen? what's that black mark?" They tell me I have a UTI and send me home, its Monday. I can't breathe, i'm having a heart attack, I know it, its Wednesday and we're back at the ER, the doctor smiles and says its anxiety, take some Ativan and keep taking your antibiotic...are you kidding? I throw up the antibiotic, it stinks, I crush the Ativan and sleep for days. Its Friday and the nurse calls, "how are you" my arm hurts and its swollen, "GO BACK TO THE ER" I can't, I fall back asleep. Its Saturday and I can't find my wrist, my arm is a thick puffy balloon like they use to make balloon animals. My fingers won't bend, doesn't matter cause I can't feel them anyway, i'm sick, I vomit and try to push my meds, I get in 2ccs of saline and it feels like my arm is a water balloon...I push a cc and I think I see it literally filling up, theres a black gnarled line around my upper arm, looks like a barbed wire tattoo, thank God for WLS.
I'm at the ER again, its Saturday night and i'm sure they'll admit me, they HAVE to pull the PICC and give me a new one, surely they'll see that, I can't breathe, please give me some Ativan and phenergan, i'm gonna puke again. A nurse comes in and says he's from Interventional radiology, doesn't even touch my arm but smiles and leaves, we hear him outside the door "you've gotta pull that PICC, it's really bad!" a tech comes in with an ultrasound machine and pushes on the outer part of my arm, over and over, slimy gel, pushing harder, my arm isn't quite so numb now, its killing me on the underside, my armpit aches and the inner portion of my upper arm feels like someone is firing a gun into it every time they touch me. "Good news!" the ER doc smiles and tells me its just a little superficlal blood clot...yay! all we need to do is apply warm compresses and it will go away, have some noroc for the pain...great, more crap I can't swallow. "What should I do if it gets worse? what if it swells up more?" don't worry "It's fine, no need to come back even if it gets bigger, warm compresses and you'll feel alot better"
It's Monday and the weekend went by in a drug induced haze. I can't use my PICC, I crush the norco and ativan and try to stay asleep, no not asleep, blacked out, like anesthesia until the doctors office opens Monday. I tell the nurse, she sets up an appointment at Interventional Radiology for them to pull and replace the PICC on Tuesday, good, hopefully i'll die by then. Its 6pm Monday and I can't take it, I might be hallucinating, I know i'm dying, I moan and rock, i'm in the car, off to the ER again. I wait for hours while people scream and cry, everybody is taken before me, I pull my sweatshirt and cover my head, I moan and lick the blood from cracked lips, I can't even stand up to go to the bathroom and vomit, 4 hours later and they wheel me back. Nurse after nurse comes in to try to start an IV, "she's dehydrated and a tough poke" "I KNOW! she's so ill tho, what are we supposed to do???" check her feet, no veins, we're gonna have to go in thru the femoral.....God no, I can't remember if I have underwear on and they're gonna cut into my groan to find a vein.
"Great news!" we found a cluster of blood clots under your arm, no not one, there are several vericose veins bulging out of your arm, the PICC went bad and they strangulated and now they have clots in them. You're gonna die if you throw one to your heart or lungs, we're starting the lovanox, you're gonna be fine. 3 days of terror, I'm admitted to the hospital and the doc upstairs decides she knows what I need, they pull the PICC from my grossly swollen arm and I beg for some dilauded "this isn't a painful procedure, you don't need anything for pain." and she teaches the student nurse how to yak=nk 4 feet of tubing and wire from my arm while I sob, my daughter cries and starts to yell. The doctor leaves, she won't come back or write orders, i'm sick, no pain meds or nausea meds, try some tylenol, f**** you. I cry and demand to see another doctor, I call my doctor and the oncall doctor screams at the charge nurse...they give me ativan and phenergan, my daughter yells and threatens, the nurses hate to come in my room.
Wednesday morning is the first and last time I see my surgeon, he pops his head in and smiles "so your PICC is gone now, thats what happens" when you screw up and get a blood clot is what he doesn't say. I'll see you in my office next week and we'll talk about a feeding tube. What? I had WLS 4 and a half months ago... I cry and turn and face the window, I keep the shades down.
I'm sick of this, I finally get to leave @ noon on Wednesday. I have a script for Warfarin and an order to have my blood drawn every day, I have no PICC line, no IV push meds, no TPN and my arm looks like I was going for a Popeye look. I sob on the ride home. When I go to the lab the next morning they stick me 6 times and still don't get enough to run the PT/INR to check my clotting times. I fall out of the car as I try to go inside, I just sit on the grass and contemplate throwing up on the lawn, I see the neighbor and when she waves I think I should strip off my clothes and just run shrieking down the street... I need a laugh, otherwise I just cry. I'm so depressed, I see my primary doc, he orders me oral nausea meds, a compression sleeve for my arm and listens to me cry. I tell him my heart is skipping a beat, he says "phenergan can cause permanent heart damage" f*** phenergan.
It's 12 days since I left the hospital without a PICC. The last thing my surgeon said was that they couldn't find a reason for my symptoms, he even asked the doctors at a seminar in California and they were all puzzled, oh well, too bad for me. My weight is down to 300 lbs now, it was 312 when I left the hospital. I made the mistake of going back to the ER last week Tuesday because my chest hurt and I was coughing and that same shortness of breath and heart thing came back. they said I was fine and were sending me home when I looked the ER doc right in the eye and said "with all due respect, the last time you said I was fine I had a blood clot that almosgt killed me, please, can you just check everything to make sure i'm ok?" tears in my eyes, he smiles, lets run another test. Theres a shadow in my lung, likely pneumonia but we can't be sure the clots haven't moved. We'll keep you for observation but we won't admit you, you're probably fine buit we'll do some IV fluids and antibiotics to be sure. They take me upstairs, I know whats coming next, nurse after nurse tries to start the IV, IM pain meds, I ask for nausea meds at 6:30 am and by 2pm I still haven't gotten any. I can't stand it so I leave, they chase me and try to make me sign something saying if I die its my own fault. I get home and chew a phenergan, drink some lortab and pass out.
My primary doc said he would figure out how to get me seen by a specialist, I won't return the calls from my surgeons office, if I could put a stop payment on his check I would but insurance has already paid his fee. Maybe he's right, there's nothing to explain my symptoms, I doubt that, my skin is grey and I look like a chemo patient because my long thick brown hair has fallen out in Patches and I have a kind of crazy eyed look to me. I'm hungry and thirsty, I think I look like I could be a victim of starvation but then I laugh because i'm still so fat.
I knew the risks of the surgery, pulmonary embolism, DVT, sleeve leak, infection. I was a nurse for 10 years and took care of hospice patients who looked better than me. I signed on for a magic pill, a fantastic surgery that would finally help me get to a healthy weight so I could see my daughter graduate from medical school, get married and hold my grandchildren. I wanted to avoid diabetes and stop heart disease, funny how it all worked out.
If you have experienced any of the pain, nausea, depression, sadness, fear, frustration, anger or disgust like I have, tell me your story and let me know i'm not alone, i'm not crazy and it does get better. :-)

I was told 6 weeks. I'm a "bath" girl so its driving me crazy not to take my nice relaxing evening bath.

I am approaching 10 weeks post op. I discovered I was an emotional food addict about 8 weeks ago.
I have been, and plan on staying true to the plan. There is no way physically I could eat the crap I used to eat even if I wanted to. 9.5 days out of 10 I feel happy and fine and satisfied without thinking of how food used to comfort me. There are a few times that my emotional tie to food still provokes sadness in me, because I no longer partake.
The fall and winter season is full of triggers for me. Christmas shopping- I used to love shopping all afternoon then binging on crap. It felt fulfilling. And fun. Football Sundays- making food was at least half the fun. I mentally associate lots of cold weather activities with comfort food.
I have been substituting heathy foods in place of the stuff I would love before. I'm just wondering how everyone deals with these triggers and what your triggers are. When I think of how I used to eat, I realize I was mentally comforting myself big time. The new year will bring me new things to make myself happy, and a change of mentality, that is my hope!

You know what I might say to these commenters who think they're being nice by being interested but it's getting overwhelming? With a smile on your face and almost a quiet whisper, I'd lean in or step forward a little bit and say, "I'm sure you mean well, but let me ask, would you ask someone with a disease like cancer about their chemo treatments? Would you ask someone who lost a limb how hard it must be?"
One of the stigmas about obesity is that everyone tends to treat others like you were personality flawed before the weight came off, when clearly, you had a health problem (mental, emotional, physical, all of it, hey, I'm right there with you). Simultaneously they are morbidly (no pun intended) curious, but they are also using you as a mirror to their own insecurities. Unless one of these people clearly has a weight problem too, and you feel ready to say, "I'd be happy to give you some referrals if you want to go to an informational meeting but I don't feel like talking about myself anymore", I really don't think you need to tolerate this anymore.
You/we were ignored before the weight came off, we're not there for their entertainment now.
I knew a girl who was well over 400, she lost 250 lbs and then met a guy in my husband's band and they slept together and really fell hard for her. Then one day, months later, when he saw an old picture of her, with all this investment in her emotionally, even then he still dumped her. People are SO LAME when it comes to people and obesity. I am a pretty easy going person in life, but I'd kybosh this s*** at work, pronto. It's not healthy, and you're not that person anymore. You get to turn the page - so can they.
Hugs from a empathetic reader.

Yes, I had this exactly at about 2 or 2.5 weeks.
It lasted for about 4-5 days while stuff healed inside. I couldn't walk or move much without a stabbing knife pain, which clearly was due to incision stuff. I was even in tears sometimes.
What helped me was Spanx and first aid tape. I taped up the painful areas so they couldn't jiggle or get stretched, then wore Spanx to hold it in. It was magic!!!
After it had a chance to heal, I was pain-free and have been for 3 weeks now.

Ugh. What is wrong with people? I don’t understand tearing down others at all — whether for their weight or any other reason. I have been on the receiving end more times than I can count. Honestly, years ago in college when it could be especially bad, I came to see my body as a built-in jerk detector. Lol. My own superpower. It must have been very strange to hear the comment made in front of you with the assumption that you would agree or join in because you are not fat. I suspect if that happened to me (not that I’m in any danger of that at this point), I might haul off and hit the person. I’d at least want to!

Today is 10 weeks post op....I'm losing slowly and hitting lots of stalls....I know I'm having some progress because my clothes are looser...my coworkers say things complimentary but I feel it's obligatory or just to be nice...I'm down 65#

I guess I'm lucky...since my surgery 5 weeks ago, I have no appetite and no hunger..Once in a while I think I'm hungry, but then I eat a couple bites and I'm like, "yeah, I'm good."

@@Ignatius I dealt with exactly the sorts of things that you describe, skipping events because of being worried about seating, avoiding flying, etc. The weight was so debilitating. My job is one where I get a lot of opportunity to travel to some pretty interesting places. Because of my weight, I skipped free trips to Turkey, Sweden, and the Republic of Georgia just in the past couple of years.
I had my surgery in November 2015. Due to my high weight, I had to do the pre-op for 4 weeks. That was hard, but I stuck with it and lost 46 lbs during that period. Fast forward to now, almost 5 months post-op, I am down 166 lbs. More importantly, my diabetes in full remission and I am off of all medicine. The arthritis in my knees is substantially better. I do a lot of walking and now can get out and enjoy things with my wife. People don't stare at me anymore when I am out in public. Everything is easier, despite the fact that I still have another 100+ pounds to lose. I have absolutely no regrets.
The surgery was scary, but turned out to be easier than I thought it would be. I recovered quickly enough that I was released same day by my surgeon. I was sore, but the pain was never enough that I felt the need to take pain medication. I knew that surgery at my weight came with a lot of risks, but I figured that staying at 518 lbs was likely to be a lot riskier. The guys on this forum we a real source of inspiration for me when I got cold feet or wondered if this would work for me. Best of luck, just thinking about getting some help is a really big step to take. I wish that I had been smart enough to do it when I was younger.

@@Ignatius
Apologies for the delay in replying...
Apologies for the possible length of this post...
Once I get on a roll, who knows where I could end up...
Anyway, here goes...
Firstly, a little about me...
I was sleeved on Feb 25, 2015.
I was 45 yrs old.
At my heaviest, I weighed 255kg..
That's 562 pounds.. (We use kg in Australia but as the majority here use pounds, I usually do the math to make it easier)
I was one of the lucky ones...
Despite my weight, I had NO co-morbidities...
No diabetes, no cholesterol, not even high blood pressure...
In the lead up to my surgery, my surgeon pulled no punches..
He made me fully aware that there were no guarantees he'd go thru with the surgery until he'd opened me up..
He was concerned about the fat around my lived and his ability (or inability) to get into where he needed to...
To give me the best chance, he put me on a 'liquids only' diet for 4 weeks prior to the operation...
I can tell you now, that was the hardest 4 weeks of my life...
What made it worse was knowing that it could all be for nothing...
Anyway, I stuck with it for the four weeks (had a couple of hiccups along the way, but nothing I hid from the surgeon) and surgery day came...
Long story short(ish), the surgery was a success...
I did three nights in hospital...
Again, I must be one of the lucky ones...
I had no complications...
No pain...
Nothing...
The nurses kept insisting that I use the 'pain pump', so I did...
But I didn't really think I needed to..
The worst part of the whole thing was, for the first eight hours or so, I was unable to even get out of the recovery chair...
This wasn't so bad for me because I slept for most of it...
But the poor nurse who had to hold the jug for me every time I had to pee - I reckon it might have been a different story for her...
Poor woman...
Anyway, three nights in hospital...
I was hooked up to a machine for my sleep apnea and that SUCKED BALLS!!!
The day after the op, I was up and about, walking the ward and peeing by myself whenever I wanted to (woooohoooo!!)
The doc was really pleased as he thought I'd struggle because of my weight, but I didn't... (Again, lucky?)
By day three, I was itching to get out, and out I got!!
Self administered injection for (blood clotting) for ten days and the all was good...
The progression of diet from liquids to solids was difficult, but nothing compared to the 4 weeks prior...
Once I got home, I struggled a bit with energy/tiredness..
Lugging 560 pounds around on no food and just after surgery was always gonna be tricky but I got there...
Once I started losing weight, I kinda looked at it as a percentage of what I wanted to lose rather than the actual poundage..
While the big numbers are great (really, who LOSES 230 pounds??) it's more realistic to look at it and be aware that I'm 70% of my way to target..
It's a much better way when you compare yourself to others (and you will, despite how bad an idea it is) and give you an idea of where you're really at...
I really like your question re 'losing motivation when you get to a stage where you can lead a fairly normal life".
It's not something I've ever thought about...
But I guess the answer is "YES", it's certainly a possibility...
I'm at the stage now where I'm finding myself able to exist quite comfortable, especially compared to where I was at...
And I guess that is very possibly a contributing factor to my recent 'funk'...
In short, this honestly the best thing I've ever done...
Like many people, my biggest (only) regret is that I didn't do it years ago...
Mate, I'm not sure what else you want to know or even if this has been any help to you...
I've not read it back so it may not even make any sense..
If there's ANYTHING you think I might be able to help with, please don't hesitate to contact me, either here or via private message..
Take care...
Jason

Started at 420+, but had been as high as 460# in the past. Lost about 130, gotten under 300# when my maintenance kicked in at 9 months out (I had gastric bypass), which meant the rapid weight loss period was over and loss became much slower but still is steady, slow and steady. It is great you are thinking of this now. I did not do this until 63 years old and wish I had done it at your age. I had led a full active life, even flying 30 times a year with a seat belt extension, but at 60 years old my normally healthy bod finally did what the docs had always said it would do -- sleep apnea, diabetes, edema, heart problems, bad cholesterol readings, etc. I also was at risk of losing mobility -- walking and running my small farm were huge barriers. I missed alot with my kids because of the weight and it certainly effected my relationship, even though we are going on 40 years together.
So, now, 11 months out, diabetes 90% better; edema gone; heart strong; blood readings perfect. The apnea goes away for some, but mine is likely genetic as a slim dad and a slim brother both had severe apnea. I will have a sleep study when I am at goal weight but likely will still use the CPAP.... not problem. My mobility is so much better. I can ride a bike again, swimming is much easier. Today, spent the entire day maintaining irrigation ditches and working my greenhouse, no problem at all. Walking my dog three times a day, no problem.
BTW, my results are fairly typical. Negatives -- the first week was a bit painful, but could get out within 10 days The first month post surgery was challenging, mainly learning to eat so differently, quantity so much less, etc. but now am used to it without any real challenges. I do eat too many carbs, but not to much excess really, am working on that, guess what I am saying that food challenges don't stop. I found that the rapid weight loss was very debilitating -- did not have much energy even though almost always ate healthy according to instructions and took my Vitamins etc. I was actually glad when the loss slowed, as I needed the energy in my work. It is tempting to declare victory and say that with these great results, that is enough. However, I have been fat since I was 3 years old, and I want to experience not being overweight! I did not have any unusual prep instructions, pretty routine.
You really deserve to have this monkey off your back. I encourage you to reclaim your life!

Do you have a friend from church or someone close that can help you? Praying you find some support.

I've been wanting to come here sooner to provide a post surgery update but I guess it's better late than never lol. I'm officially one week post surgery. I get jealous when I hear stories about how little pain everyone was in after their surgery because I felt like I was donkey punched in my gut after surgery. I was literally yelling and squirming around on the bed after I awoke. Plus every time I had to get up to walk the pain on my right side was killing me. Needless to say I don't think the pain meds did me any good. I wanted something stronger but I guess they decided against it.
I have residual pain on my right side post surgery that still persist, especially if I move a certain way, but it has gotten better by each passing day. I can finally lay on my stomach, YAAY. Baby steps y'all.
I cosign everyone who says to bring gas X strips and a biotene mouth wash for post surgery recovery. I didn't really do much of anything else post surgery besides get on my phone.
I haven't gotten on a scale yet, I will wait until my 2 week visit with the Doctor to find out how much i have lost since the surgery but I do feel great. I was having some regrets at first but it's all about taking it slow and adjusting to the new stomach. Can't wait to share more of my journey with you all.

Wow! The time is here. My surgery is today at 10:30 am. I'm excited, nervous and feel happy at my life changing decision. Wish me luck?

Sorry for not replying sooner! I just wanted to update y'all in case anyone else has a similar issue in the future. I had my pre-admissions appointment and my appointment for medical clearance the day before my surgery and both doctors said that it would be fine to do surgery even though I was sick. My primary care doctor said that I didn't have much congestion and that I sounded worse than I really was, so it would be fine. I had my surgery on the 10th of January and guess what? Despite all my worrying, it was fine! Surgery went great, I'm recovering very nicely, and I'm no longer sick. Thank goodness!

Looks like we are good for Wednesday!! I have been feeling so under the weather I haven't had a chance to worry about the surgery but now the nerves are kicking in a bit....at least I think it's nerves? Just want to get this over with now & start the healing process!!
Sent from my iPod touch using the BariatricPal App

I talked to the Dr and everything is fine I am really at the end of it but still a little cough it was scarying me.
I have come this far and trying to prep mentally that would have thrown me for a loop!
Thanks!
G

I’m one week from my surgery and all the sudden I’m freaking out! I don’t have a ton of foods that I love but ice cream is pretty awesome... will I ever be able to eat it again? What if the doctor is drunk? What if he nicks a artery? What is I die or have horrible complications? Or what if it doesn’t work? What if I gain it all back? Also... how come I’m all the sudden wanting to eat everything in sight?? Is this psychological?? I’m excited but so nervous. Can anyone relate?!

HOOOLEE crap! You need to contact your HR department immediately. Seriously. Major FMLA and ADA violations. You may even want to consider talking to an attorney or the EEoC. Or both.
http://www.fmlainsights.com/disclosing-an-employees-medical-condition-may-result-in-an-automatic-fmla-violation/

I take it all the way and say I don't want to die and I want to be able to one day see my grand children. After that they know anything they say is irrelevant. Please don't let anyone get you down we made a choice and no one has the right to make you feel unworthy. Feel bad for the haters they will make themselves known.

@StephersSweet you might want to remind those supervisors they are violating HIPPA laws by revealing your medical info...I would be pizzed off about that. I don't know why I am always surprised to hear about these things, seems like it happens more frequently since having privacy laws.
Maybe post a glitter copy of the legal notice in your cubicle......lol

It sounds like you have been having a problem with "audience selectivity" or "audience resistance".
RULE: Pick or choose VERY CAREFULLY whom you will share your weight loss surgery news with.
As my dad used to say, "Opinions are like arseholes; everybody has them. Some are bog-ugly and off-putting. So, son, when you share something you think is happy, not everyone will be seeing it through your eyes and thoughts"

Wish this was printed on a Tshirt. You speak for many.