crazygoose

Okay I've always had mental issues, clinical depression, anxiety, ptsd and a history of being abused as a child yadda yadda (the stereotypical poster child for low self esteem)... But never once did I think losing a bunch of weight would be the sole solution to all my life problems, but yes it has greatly improved my quality of life, health wise most importantly and I wouldn't change my weightloss journey for anything in the world, yet I've always understood no matter what I will always be a damaged person. That is not to say I can't change and I consider myself a work in progress but sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing.
Before I always had a child like mind and was considered naive, innocent and easy to take advantage of (but part of me actually knew what was going on, just too meek to say anything and I often play dumb to avoid conflict). I had only been in one relationship in my 34 years of life (that relationship lasted 12-13 years) and when he moved on I just completely gave up on living and hardly went outside for 8 years, just stayed in my room and rotted away and hoped everyone forgot I existed and that I would just eventually die. For years it was told to me that I was disabled and just beyond help and I'd be better off living my days in group homes or facilities for the mentally ill and despite me knowing it was untrue I just gave into whatever everyone said about me until that one day I the found fire and strength in me to turn my life around.
3 years later and everything is much different now, people can't believe I'm the same person. I finally got over my fears and learned how to drive, got a car ,got a job, live on my own in and...got the sleeve which means I dropped a lot of weight.
I've grown up and changed a lot...Except in one area where I am very much like a teenage girl. My "love" life. While I'm attracted to men it's like their a whole different species and I don't understand them at all. Even when I was in the relationship with my ex he left me because he wanted someone "in better shape." So I always assumed I'm gross and unwanted with a big part of it being because of the weight.
So last summer I weighed about 200 pounds. I had just started fixing myself up more and my mom introduced me to this guy she thought would make a great friend since we were both shy and had similar personalities. Our friendship grew into a little more over the 4 month span but he never wanted anything else from me so I respected that, but he knew I liked him and we had been intimate on a few occasions and all of a sudden he just stopped and just wanted to stay platonic. I later found out that he had someone else but never told me and it crushed me. He said something to the effect of "When you get smaller you'll be a killer and I'll be bummed that you don't like me anymore." Yet the women he chose is heavy set as well and she is 19 years older than him and not to be mean but she is a known drunk, so yeah it was a major blow and I felt like crap.
Despite my mom saying "It's not you, just he has his own deeps issues and prefers women who he feels need him." I still took it hard and looked everywhere for some sort of validation as a person and because of it I put myself in dangerous situations. In the Quest of opening my eyes and seeing what else is out there, wanting to feel desired and connect with someone... I went on random dates with pretty much any guy who showed interest, even strangers who showed red flags from the beginning by repeatedly insisting I drink alcohol when I said I don't drink or as soon as I got into this one guy's car after talking to him on the phone for 2 weeks thinking he was going to take me out somewhere first thing he did was grabbed my boobs and stuck his tongue down my throat. I tried going to social atmospheres like bars and clubs, but it's really not my thing. I'm just really horrified at this point about dating because I feel like the majority of men are creeps and I'm not sure how to go about finding a decent one or knowing when I'm ready to.

That really sucks but love yourself regardless you are beautiful. Whenever I go through a stall or the pounds start creeping up I revert back to my post op diet where I do Protein Shakes and only eat things that have nutritional value (chicken and veggies). Are there any foods in particular that might be holding you back? For me it was popcorn and granola. I thought granola was healthy until I started noticing I was gaining weight despite working out like crazy but once I cut these two things in particular out of my diet I finally dropped a stubborn 30 pounds.

That really sucks but love yourself regardless you are beautiful. Whenever I go through a stall or the pounds start creeping up I revert back to my post op diet where I do Protein Shakes and only eat things that have nutritional value (chicken and veggies). Are there any foods in particular that might be holding you back? For me it was popcorn and granola. I thought granola was healthy until I started noticing I was gaining weight despite working out like crazy but once I cut these two things in particular out of my diet I finally dropped a stubborn 30 pounds.

I will warn you that this post is a shallow rant probably because I have a lot of time on my hands today. I've decided to stay home and rest since I've been so busy since getting out of the hospital from my surgery Friday and I'm seriously thinking of staying away from television for a while because all I keep seeing is these Carl's Jr. and Checkers commercials. Anyone that knows me knows that burgers are my favorite food and aside from soda probably is the main reason why I am obese. But what pisses me off is they keep showing these supermodels in these fast food commercials eating burgers the size of their pretty little heads (the burgers are not even that big in real life) and I'm not sure why but I find it ridiculous and absurd. Why can't they be truthful and show the real people who really love their burgers? People who love their burgers so much they gained over 100 pounds and have heart disease from eating them? I feel like people are being sold lies. Anyways end of rant.

I am so sorry this happened to you but I believe the problem is with him and not with you. He sounds like a jerk and a coward and it really irks me that he commented on your weight while breaking up with you, sounds like he was trying to make you feel insecure and bad about yourself like gowalking says and I don't know you but I have this feeling that the break up wasn't really about your weight. You need to know that you are a beautiful quality person fat or skinny and deserve way better than that. I don't have much dating experience myself but I believe that sometimes people have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to their prince and he was just a frog. Be glad that his true colors showed and he hopped back into the pond, you don't need someone so shallow and obtuse in your life. Don't be afraid to take a chance with someone else, just be careful and a little more guarded and maybe take things slower next time so you can get to know what kind of person they really are before you start investing romantic feelings. In the mean time until you get ready to pucker up to another frog or potential prince take some time to build yourself up, love yourself for the way you are regardless and not just what you could be and don't be afraid to raise the bar a bit when it comes to the type of partner you want.

Thank you all for your advice and support. Unfortunately my grandma passed away last night while under a medical induced coma. I was able to kiss her and say goodbye before she was gone. One thing I did not mention was that in the beginning and through the middle of her illness I was at the hospital with her every day spending 4-8 hours with her but as she got worse and worse and her pain and suffering took over and she began to seem less and less like herself it became harder and that's where I fell off because I knew she was not going to get better. I get the gist of where many of you are coming from saying I should've sucked it up and concentrated more on her and I'm beginning to see my failures in that and realized more things that I could've done but now it's too late.... I appreciated the small things posts where someone said they lotioned their dad's feet and played music he liked that was sweet my mom and my aunt did that for her. I was devastated when I learned my grandma had passed, but now waking up the next day I look at her pictures of when she was alive and well and along with sadness I feel a strange sense of peace that she is no longer laying up in a hospital bed suffering. That the worst has already happened and there's nothing more to dread. I know maybe it hasn't hit me fully yet. Even though she's gone I think I still got another chance to do right by her. I still have my grandpa, I can check on him, go over and tidy up their house and bring him meals. I'm gonna honor her by doing what she would've want me to do, move forward, get my life together,work on my health, pursue my education. I'm starting this morning by taking my medication I'll try mixing it in with something. Anyways thanks to all who took the time to read my post and reply.

Thank you all for your advice and support. Unfortunately my grandma passed away last night while under a medical induced coma. I was able to kiss her and say goodbye before she was gone. One thing I did not mention was that in the beginning and through the middle of her illness I was at the hospital with her every day spending 4-8 hours with her but as she got worse and worse and her pain and suffering took over and she began to seem less and less like herself it became harder and that's where I fell off because I knew she was not going to get better. I get the gist of where many of you are coming from saying I should've sucked it up and concentrated more on her and I'm beginning to see my failures in that and realized more things that I could've done but now it's too late.... I appreciated the small things posts where someone said they lotioned their dad's feet and played music he liked that was sweet my mom and my aunt did that for her. I was devastated when I learned my grandma had passed, but now waking up the next day I look at her pictures of when she was alive and well and along with sadness I feel a strange sense of peace that she is no longer laying up in a hospital bed suffering. That the worst has already happened and there's nothing more to dread. I know maybe it hasn't hit me fully yet. Even though she's gone I think I still got another chance to do right by her. I still have my grandpa, I can check on him, go over and tidy up their house and bring him meals. I'm gonna honor her by doing what she would've want me to do, move forward, get my life together,work on my health, pursue my education. I'm starting this morning by taking my medication I'll try mixing it in with something. Anyways thanks to all who took the time to read my post and reply.

Don't just stop the medication put it in your Water, Protein drink, soft foods so many options! a few weeks ago I lost my grandma and never dreamed of the day, but Ik how that feels to see her decline. Just do what you can and don't worry about your sister she will be the one who will live with the fact she wasn't there,not you... But get back on your meds so you can see the light again, being in a funk is never fun I know that
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CG, I came back to add pretty much what Sharon began above. I was neglectful of people in my life and will never have the chance o do it over. They are my grandmothers. Lately, and I haven't determined why now especially, I think about them often and although not a 'believer,' apologize to them endlessly for what I lacked when all they wanted to do was love me. I cry for having been neglectful and despise myself for crying, which I see as self-indulgent -- all about me and not about them. In more recent years I discovered that, if we think a tiny bit less about ourselves and a tiny bit about someone else, we benefit greatly. The first couple of steps are hardest, but please don't squander this opportunity to support your grandmother, to kiss her and hold her hand, to sit by her side so that she feels your love and appreciation. Push to put her first now and I promise that you'll to be able to hold your head high forever after.

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch
I tend to agree with the reply from WLSresources/clothing exchange.
I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. It is terribly difficult to watch someone you love reaching the end of their life. Ask yourself how many times she was there for you when you needed her. I know it's hard dealing with everything you are going through and I understand the feeling of wanting to hide. At this moment it isn't about you. It's about her. I don't want to make you mad or hurt your feelings. I have the utmost sympathy for what you are feeling but I'm going to tell you what I would tell one of my kids, family, or close friend - pull yourself together, suck it up, and go do the right thing for your grandmother. Nothing else is acceptable.

A compounding pharmacy often can create a prescription in the form you it in need such as liquid or maybe a smaller sized pill etc...Ask the doctor if they would be of any help with your prescription
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After RNY gastric bypass surgery I lost my ability to swallow large or even medium size pills. This lasted for about 2 months and then I was able to swallow them again. If the reason why you are unable to swallow capsules is because of their size, you might experiment and determine when you are able to again. Being off your meds is a bad situation.

Dear CG, do you really think you're fooling yourself? I don't believe that you really felt "safe" from 2011-15 and, therefore, certainly don't buy that disappearing into netflix and games now is making you feel safe. We don't feel safe when we have no idea what's going on around us. Reality, the nasty and and the nice parts, is far better. Feeling alive is better. Taking a stand is better. Taking action is better. Reality is going to happen whether you hide your head in the sand or not. As you describe the way you're feeling or trying not to feel is far more arduous than reality.
I hope your grandmother has medical care, but it does sound as though she's nearing the end of her life. She's been a towering presence in yours. You'll both do better if you, CG, acknowledge its entirety. I won't dare tell you how much time you 'should' be spending with her now, as it isn't my place and I have no idea. I will say that if, when you are with her, you use start up conversation about the things she's interested in (interested, not used to be interested!), there' a good chance you'll be taking her mind off pain. Both of you can enjoy being real people together. She'll recognize your love and appreciation between the lines. You'll learn a little more about this wonderful woman.
As to you, call your prescribing doctor first thing Tuesday. Stopping medication suddenly isn't good, as you know. It may be that your medication is available in a form that's compatible with surgery. If it means pre-approval from your medical plan, take the steps. Consider, too, ongoing therapy. You're done well since 2015. Letting yourself backslide will be too terrible. None of what's ahead of you right now is easy, but you found the determination and strength before. You can find them again.

My heart goes out to you as well... It's hard to watch someone you love being so sick at the hospital... I'm a doer in a crisis, so when my dad was sick he was often sedated and not sure if he never I was there but in my heart I believe he did know.... Often while I was there talking with the doctors was the most important thing I was doing... One doctor says why not bring he some music he likes, I downloaded some music he would like and would play it very low... People in the hospital often get dry skin, I would often spend the visit just massage his legs and arms with lotion, the doctor often joke he had the most moist skin of anyone in the ICU... As for pain, a person in the hospital should not be suffering with pain, there's so many things they can do.... Prayers are with you
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First of all I want to say, my heart hurts for you. You are caring for someone you love so much and being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs there is. That being said you have also said you know you need to take better care of yourself so I am glad you posted on here. Do you have someone to talk to ? A pastor, or friend just to get out and vent would be really good for you. Talk to your doctor and get back on your medicine with their advice. There are a lot of on-line resources for caregivers. please take care of yourself and know that you doing great!!!!

Please put me on the call list for drama too. I love a good online fight... As long as I'm not part of it.
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And once again, I've missed drama!!!
Someone is supposed to call me!!!!

The doctor says I can start exercising next week and I'm really looking forward to it. I would love to have a personal trainer but I can't afford one. I don't want to just walk on a treadmill. I want to be able to do things like walk up two flights of stairs without getting so winded. I want to walk faster, I want to work on my arms, I can't hold my arms up for more than a few seconds without them getting painfully tired. I want to push myself but not in a dangerous way. What are the different kind of exercises I can start out with?

Premier Protein shake is a good Protein Shake, its delicious once you get used to the taste like a thick chocolate milk. (If you get chocolate) it has 30 grams of Protein and like the others said its only 160 calories. Here's some other tips, stay away from television (those food commercials will drive you nuts, I took some other's advice and made friends with Netflix) try not to be around actual food or people eating food if you can help it. Find a hobby or something to keep your mind preoccupied, or sleep when you can (that's how I got through my pre op diet). Look at it as a big test, because this is one of the biggest if not the biggest obstacle right now. Hang in there you can do it and afterward you'll feel like a champ.

Premier Protein shake is a good Protein Shake, its delicious once you get used to the taste like a thick chocolate milk. (If you get chocolate) it has 30 grams of Protein and like the others said its only 160 calories. Here's some other tips, stay away from television (those food commercials will drive you nuts, I took some other's advice and made friends with Netflix) try not to be around actual food or people eating food if you can help it. Find a hobby or something to keep your mind preoccupied, or sleep when you can (that's how I got through my pre op diet). Look at it as a big test, because this is one of the biggest if not the biggest obstacle right now. Hang in there you can do it and afterward you'll feel like a champ.

Premier Protein shake is a good Protein Shake, its delicious once you get used to the taste like a thick chocolate milk. (If you get chocolate) it has 30 grams of Protein and like the others said its only 160 calories. Here's some other tips, stay away from television (those food commercials will drive you nuts, I took some other's advice and made friends with Netflix) try not to be around actual food or people eating food if you can help it. Find a hobby or something to keep your mind preoccupied, or sleep when you can (that's how I got through my pre op diet). Look at it as a big test, because this is one of the biggest if not the biggest obstacle right now. Hang in there you can do it and afterward you'll feel like a champ.

I'm so glad you asked this because I have also become fixated on popcorn -it was my favorite snack food. So much harder now to go into a theater and smell the powerful aroma of delicious popcorn and hear people munching on it. I think because we're on this liquid diet for so long that we begin to crave something salty and crunchy in texture. But after reading some of these replies I think it's best to stay away from popcorn as long as possible and when the time comes when I can actually eat it I will only have a handful or two of it.

I never feared dying I mean sure there was the thought of that possibility but I never took it as a threat because I figured my time is just my time and if it wasn't going to happen one way at that date and time it would've happened another way but that's just my belief. I did however make calls to my loved ones and told them that I loved them just in case lol. When they put the anesthesia mask over me I still wasn't scared. Just like "Here we go off to the loser's bench!" I think you will be fine positive thinking helps.

Thanks for your replies! You guys told me what I needed to hear. I'm going to get in the habit of re-reading my weight loss manual at least every few days and checking this forum daily so that I don't forget anything. I think I had gotten fixated on this notion that after a handful of food you will feel full and part of the bad eating habit I had was that I was eating until I was full so I will take the advice to just concentrate on measuring and sticking to the portions no matter what vs.what my tummy/mind feels. I know that is very crucial. So I am definitely going to do what I need to from here on out, not going to eat and drink at the same time anymore and make sure I do it slowly because I definitely don't want to mess this up.

The doctor says I can start exercising next week and I'm really looking forward to it. I would love to have a personal trainer but I can't afford one. I don't want to just walk on a treadmill. I want to be able to do things like walk up two flights of stairs without getting so winded. I want to walk faster, I want to work on my arms, I can't hold my arms up for more than a few seconds without them getting painfully tired. I want to push myself but not in a dangerous way. What are the different kind of exercises I can start out with?