Okay I've always had mental issues, clinical depression, anxiety, ptsd and a history of being abused as a child yadda yadda (the stereotypical poster child for low self esteem)... But never once did I think losing a bunch of weight would be the sole solution to all my life problems, but yes it has greatly improved my quality of life, health wise most importantly and I wouldn't change my weightloss journey for anything in the world, yet I've always understood no matter what I will always be a damaged person. That is not to say I can't change and I consider myself a work in progress but sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing.

Before I always had a child like mind and was considered naive, innocent and easy to take advantage of (but part of me actually knew what was going on, just too meek to say anything and I often play dumb to avoid conflict). I had only been in one relationship in my 34 years of life (that relationship lasted 12-13 years) and when he moved on I just completely gave up on living and hardly went outside for 8 years, just stayed in my room and rotted away and hoped everyone forgot I existed and that I would just eventually die. For years it was told to me that I was disabled and just beyond help and I'd be better off living my days in group homes or facilities for the mentally ill and despite me knowing it was untrue I just gave into whatever everyone said about me until that one day I the found fire and strength in me to turn my life around.

3 years later and everything is much different now, people can't believe I'm the same person. I finally got over my fears and learned how to drive, got a car ,got a job, live on my own in and...got the sleeve which means I dropped a lot of weight.

I've grown up and changed a lot...Except in one area where I am very much like a teenage girl. My "love" life. While I'm attracted to men it's like their a whole different species and I don't understand them at all. Even when I was in the relationship with my ex he left me because he wanted someone "in better shape." So I always assumed I'm gross and unwanted with a big part of it being because of the weight.

So last summer I weighed about 200 pounds. I had just started fixing myself up more and my mom introduced me to this guy she thought would make a great friend since we were both shy and had similar personalities. Our friendship grew into a little more over the 4 month span but he never wanted anything else from me so I respected that, but he knew I liked him and we had been intimate on a few occasions and all of a sudden he just stopped and just wanted to stay platonic. I later found out that he had someone else but never told me and it crushed me. He said something to the effect of "When you get smaller you'll be a killer and I'll be bummed that you don't like me anymore." Yet the women he chose is heavy set as well and she is 19 years older than him and not to be mean but she is a known drunk, so yeah it was a major blow and I felt like crap.

Despite my mom saying "It's not you, just he has his own deeps issues and prefers women who he feels need him." I still took it hard and looked everywhere for some sort of validation as a person and because of it I put myself in dangerous situations. In the quest of opening my eyes and seeing what else is out there, wanting to feel desired and connect with someone... I went on random dates with pretty much any guy who showed interest, even strangers who showed red flags from the beginning by repeatedly insisting I drink alcohol when I said I don't drink or as soon as I got into this one guy's car after talking to him on the phone for 2 weeks thinking he was going to take me out somewhere first thing he did was grabbed my boobs and stuck his tongue down my throat. I tried going to social atmospheres like bars and clubs, but it's really not my thing. I'm just really horrified at this point about dating because I feel like the majority of men are creeps and I'm not sure how to go about finding a decent one or knowing when I'm ready to.

Edited January 13, 20188 yr by crazygoose

This is something I have struggled with since my x husband left me in 2010. We were together 12 years all together, married 9 1/2 of those. I was crushed. I have always been a believer in Christ-and it broke my heart that the marriage vows I said didn’t mean a thing to him. He said I had gained too much weight. Which I did. I was battling severe depression so I dropped a little over 100 lbs. I was back to the weight I got married at. It didn’t matter because that was an excuse.
I looked for validation through men, when I should have looked for it through Christ. Fast forward to 2012, September 2012 I met a man who turned my life around. He said he was not a believer, but he had a strict catholic background and didnt want it forced on him any more. He showed me that I dont need validation from a man. If he truly cares about you, and truly loves you, he will show you validation, without you asking for it. Unfortunately 11 months later he had a massive stroke and passed away. I was crushed. My mom was my everything and 10 months later she passed away. I was devastated. I had an acquaintance in high school that we saw each other again and we started talking and we got along so well. There was never anything sexual between us. We were like brother and sister. April 2016 I moved 55 miles away. I felt lonely and detached. July of 2016 (3 months after U moved) he also passed away.
I always feel like I dont belong, because of I am basically the only single one with no children. That I am putting on myself because noone makes me feel like that. That comes from within. I again was looking for validation through men. I have turned my life totally back to Christ and centering it on him. I have deleted all if my dating profiles. And this time they will stay gone. I need to validate myself. I need to remind myself that I am worth it. Validation needs to come from within. To love yourself and let others love you. Its hard. It is something I struggle with multiple times a day. The right one will come along. Patience, which I do not have ANY at all, needs to be on top of that! I live someplace where I really dont know anyone to “hangout” with. I feel lost and lonely. That comes from within and that is what I am trying to change. To take a compliment and say thank you. To stop putting myself down. To stop the negativity. To validate myself through Christ. To love and embrace the person I am and where I am trying to go. Sorry this is so long. Remember 1 thing, you ARE worth it! If you need to talk, vent, etc. you are more than welcome to pm me. Good luck. May God bless you!


SW 350 (11/15)
BSW 260 (10/17/17)
CW 224 (1/3/18)
RGW 199
GW 175

I don't believe in gender. People are people. Women are just as nuts/mean/wonderful/loving/brilliant/dumb/contrary/dishonest/stable/amazing.....as men are. It's all individual. If you look for stereotypes, you'll find stereotypes. Look at individuals, and look deeply at yourself as an individual. No one is responsible for our happiness but ourselves. People who can be happy and find meaning and value in their lives...all on their own....are very, very attractive:)

Religion feels like a placebo pill to me. It works for some people...I'm not one of 'em. LOL. I think I'm too analytical. I can't figure out why God would want to kill his kid to get over his own issues with our behavior. How did that help, exactly? Particularly when his kid was immortal the whole time and was really just a part of himself....so he was sort of sacrificing himself...to himself...to get over his disappointment in standards people couldn't live up to.....while never really being in danger of not existing. I'm not a theologian...but that doesn't ring of any truth or logic to me. (I find the theologies of all the other major world religions just as baffling and bizarre.) But, hey, if it works for you....that's awesome. To each, their own:)

What makes my life kinda work (most of the time...lol)....

My nutty, boring, amazing, long-suffering husband...lol, my smartypants kiddo, my extremely foolish dog, my adorable faithful best friend who i've known since I was six, my batschit crazy mom, my coven of cats, a bunch of plants, good neighbors, lots of good books and movies, playing bad guitar, laughing a lot... loud and hard, long discussions with people who love ideas, a cup of ginger lemon tea, wellbutrinXL LOL, talking to strangers in waiting rooms and grocery lines, sculpting, french kisses in darkened doorways, painting, writing annoying posts on message boards, and reclaiming my health for more crazy adventures:)

Life is what YOU make it. Pick a good one:) And very best wishes to all on finding the happiness they deserve.

Edited January 13, 20188 yr by Creekimp13

Kandywolf, now that you have recommitted you need to search for a church home. You need to be in a company of believers. You are valid, God knew you were all along , you just lost sight of it for awhile. All of us here on earth are a work in progress and none of us are without failings. Build on your faith foundations, God may still have great things in store for you yet. I'll keep you in my daily prayers that you stay strong and faithful.

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Thank you! I actually do have a wonderful church that I was baptized and became a member of October 2016. I have been going there on and off for about 5 years. Now I am part of the fellowship team and take care of our pantry and kitchen. All ways to refocus. Our church body is amazing! They have been so supportive and helpful throughout my entire process! They compliment me all the time, which still makes me uncomfortable, but i am trying to thank them. Its not only the compliment, but for thinking of me, keeping me in their prayers and loving and accepting me through my downfalls. I live in an apartment attached to my cousins house. We are a devoted Christian household. The house they bought, the first thing my cousin and i said is that it would be great for church functions, fellowships and get togethers. 2 days before Christmas, we had Dinner to glory our Lord! We had 30 people here, not including the 5 of us! I was very happy because it included some that are alone for the holidays. Especially the elders of our church.

Every 3rd Wednesday evening, we host bible study here. And every Thursday evening we hold verse by verse here. Also at church, Friday night is dinner and study and of course sunday service and sunday school.

Our pastor and his wife are amazing, and i am very thankful for them both, but especially her, because not only is she a nurse, she had gastric bypass a few years ago. She was the maitron of honor in a wedding dec. 2016. The dress was beautiful. For my birthday, the gift from her was that dress. And the card said because you are strong in the faith of our lord, I want you to have this dress as a goal. I know it will fit you some day so that you can be beautiful in it and enjoy it. I have faith in you to get where you want to be. I bawled my eyes out. The dress hangs in my closet in view. This way, its a constant reminder of the really wonderful people in my life that have cheered me on since day 1!

i am so very fortunate. I count my blessings and thank the Lord for everything he has done, he does, and he continues to do! I am truly blessed!

Thank you for you words of encouragement and your prayers! They are very much appreciated! God bless you!

Edited January 13, 20188 yr by kandywolf

I don't believe in gender. People are people. Women are just as nuts/mean/wonderful/loving/brilliant/dumb/contrary/dishonest/stable/amazing.....as men are. It's all individual. If you look for stereotypes, you'll find stereotypes. Look at individuals, and look deeply at yourself as an individual. No one is responsible for our happiness but ourselves. People who can be happy and find meaning and value in their lives...all on their own....are very, very attractive:)
Religion feels like a placebo pill to me. It works for some people...I'm not one of 'em. LOL. I think I'm too analytical. I can't figure out why God would want to kill his kid to get over his own issues with our behavior. How did that help, exactly? Particularly when his kid was immortal the whole time and was really just a part of himself....so he was sort of sacrificing himself...to himself...to get over his disappointment in standards people couldn't live up to.....while never really being in danger of not existing. I'm not a theologian...but that doesn't ring of any truth or logic to me. (I find the theologies of all the other major world religions just as baffling and bizarre.) But, hey, if it works for you....that's awesome. To each, their own:)
What makes my life kinda work (most of the time...lol)....
My nutty, boring, amazing, long-suffering husband...lol, my smartypants kiddo, my extremely foolish dog, my adorable faithful best friend who i've known since I was six, my batschit crazy mom, my coven of cats, a bunch of plants, good neighbors, lots of good books and movies, playing bad guitar, laughing a lot... loud and hard, long discussions with people who love ideas, a cup of ginger lemon tea, wellbutrinXL LOL, talking to strangers in waiting rooms and grocery lines, sculpting, french kisses in darkened doorways, painting, writing annoying posts on message boards, and reclaiming my health for more crazy adventures:)
Life is what YOU make it. Pick a good one:) And very best wishes to all on finding the happiness they deserve.

You totally missed the point of the OP post and the next post after that. Your reply is completely uncalled for and really selfish and uncaring. To each their own..yes..but not completely disregarding what they went through just so that you can put your 2 cents in- that religion has no place in your life. Your reply was not only unhelpful but hurtful to those who are going through deeper things than you can imagine. Please consider the context with which these posts were written and try to be sensitive to those looking for support or simply a word of kindness. Smdh

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I don't have any words of advice for you. Wish I did. But I can relate and identify to a lot of what you wrote. I'm 55, and have been through a similar past and struggle with depression through the years. ((Hugs))

I do want to give a HUGE congratulations to you for deciding you're worth the fight!!!! And for overcoming so much in your life. You are independent now!!! Wooooooottttt That's amazing girl. What a redemption story. I truly believe that if you keep your present focus, you will only continue to get stronger. And good, healthy men, are attracted to strong women who have a proper sense of self.

I can tell you, that each day you fight for yourself, is one step closer to realizing what an amazing and strong person (resilient) fighter living within you.

Men (and women) can be total tools. And it seems like, sometimes, the more you search and yearn, the more elusive "Mr. Right" becomes. I kinda feel like, the more you focus on developing your inner person, spirituality, your hobbies, career, interests--the more you develop a network of friends--the more open to a connection you become. Also, with that comes experience. It's good to have a childlike heart. Soft hearts are loving and loveable hearts. But you can have that childlike heart without being naive--and you gain perception by experience.

Keep walking your walk. Keep your eyes wide open and your head on brighter and lighter things and it will happen for you. Keep working with a therapist, because I believe depression, ptsd, anxiety, etc, are life long battles that you CAN stay on top of and claim victory over!!!

Again, amazing cudos to you girlie!!!!! You'll figure it out and meet someone worthy of you!!

1 hour ago, soready17 said:

You totally missed the point of the OP post and the next post after that. Your reply is completely uncalled for and really selfish and uncaring. To each their own..yes..but not completely disregarding what they went through just so that you can put your 2 cents in- that religion has no place in your life. Your reply was not only unhelpful but hurtful to those who are going through deeper things than you can imagine.

Actually I thought Creekimp’s post was fine. Read the original post again. The OP wasn’t asking anything how to find the Lord, or about god, Christianity, or being converted, so the very strong “Christianity is the answer for you” posts were interesting, but Creekimks “I don’t think Christianity makes any sense” is just as acceptable. She wasn’t mean, hurtful - she just said it might not be God that is the answer. That is ok - this isn’t a Christian-conversion forum or website! And after all, Christianity is strong enough to withstand a little yes/no debate!

Back to you, crazy goose. There are GREAT men out there, and bad ones. Just as there are great and bad women. In my experience (and my work history includes trauma counselling, I am a psychologist) bad men zero in on vulnerable women.

You have made HUGE progress and I am really impressed with your journey. You clearly have great inner strength, so be proud!! Remind yourself how wonderfully you are doing. As you continue to grow your self esteem and your confidence, in my experience you will find that the men who are attracted to are less likely to be the sort of men who exist by exploiting lovely, low self esteem, vulnerable women.

Have you ever had a counsellor or therapist, crazygoose? You might find this helps you bed in the huge gains you have made, and help plot your ongoing growth.

I wish you all the best on your inner growth (and outer shrinkage!!) journey. You are amazing. Be proud.

xxx

Edited January 13, 20188 yr by Biddynz

Actually I thought Creekimp’s post was fine. Read the original post again. The OP wasn’t asking anything how to find the Lord, or about god, Christianity, or being converted, so the very strong “Christianity is the answer for you” posts were interesting, but Creekimks “I don’t think Christianity makes any sense” is just as acceptable. She wasn’t mean, hurtful - she just said it might not be God that is the answer. That is ok - this isn’t a Christian-conversion forum or website! And after all, Christianity is strong enough to withstand a little yes/no debate!
Back to you, crazy goose. There are GREAT men out there, and bad ones. Just as there are great and bad women. In my experience (and my work history includes trauma counselling, I am a psychologist) bad men zero in on vulnerable women.
You have made HUGE progress and I am really impressed with your journey. You clearly have great inner strength, so be proud!! Remind yourself how wonderfully you are doing. As you continue to grow your self esteem and your confidence, in my experience you will find that the men who are attracted to are less likely to be the sort of men who exist by exploiting lovely, low self esteem, vulnerable women.
Have you ever had a counsellor or therapist, crazygoose? You might find this helps you bed in the huge gains you have made, and help plot your ongoing growth.
I wish you all the best on your inner growth (and outer shrinkage!!) journey. You are amazing. Be proud.
xxx

I am not trying to convert anyone and FYI I am not even Christian, I'm Muslim. It just seemed insensitive to the OP to disregard other people trying to give support through loving God and themselves. It isn't religion that I'm pushing on anyone it's support through any means. No one asked creekimps her opinion on religion and what a load of crap it is. The op was looking for understanding and support through any means. That is all. We should all work together and have empathy to support eachother and everyones individual situations...instead of using the OP's platform to tell people they are crazy or foolish for believing in something. Any who this is MY opinion and it's okay for you to disagree.

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Belief systems are private things.

When you choose to air them publicly, you need to understand that other people have different belief systems and that not everyone will agree with you.

I'm sure not expecting everyone to agree with my disbelief.

Over 20% of the American population don't follow any particular religion. Over one out of five Americans...are like me. We have a voice, too. Globally...religiously unaffiliated people are the third most popular belief choice. I'm not alone. There are over a billion "religious nones" (nonreligious people) on the planet.

I didn't call anyone foolish or crazy. I simply said that religions don't make sense to me. They don't.

Incidentally, I fully support loving yourself and others...and expressed this by saying I hope each of us find the happiness we deserve:) And I stand by that. Christians, Muslims, Atheists, the whole bunch of us. I wish us all well on our weight loss journey. Cheers!

Edited January 14, 20188 yr by Creekimp13

Belief systems are private things.
When you choose to air them publicly, you need to understand that other people have different belief systems and that not everyone will agree with you.
I'm sure not expecting everyone to agree with my disbelief. [emoji4]
Over 20% of the American population don't follow any particular religion. Over one out of five Americans...are like me. We have a voice, too. Globally...religiously unaffiliated people are the third most popular belief choice. I'm not alone. There are over a billion "religious nones" (nonreligious people) on the planet.
I didn't call anyone foolish or crazy. I simply said that religions don't make sense to me. They don't.
Incidentally, I fully support loving yourself and others...and expressed this by saying I hope each of us find the happiness we deserve:) And I stand by that. Christians, Muslims, Atheists, the whole bunch of us. I wish us all well on our weight loss journey. Cheers!

Amen to that

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Sometimes love finds us when we are not looking for it. Keep on loving yourself and challenging yourself to embrace new positive life experiences (like you have already - learning to drive, getting a job). You may have felt or feel broken (I have too), however, broken places can be healed (at least to some degree). There may be a scar that represents pain from the past and there may be a percentage of sadness that resides deep within you. Joy can reside there too. For those of us with PTSD, life is sometimes an intermingling of sadness and joy. Joy can become the greater force. Wishing you all the best.

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life, and you recognize that those things have caused some emotional damage. It could be that you are gravitating towards the wrong men for some reason. Two things that I think might help - 1) If you aren't seeing a therapist, starting seeing one. You seem very self aware, and talking things out could help a lot. 2) Make a list of what you want in a boyfriend/spouse, and seek out men that fit your criteria. Don't accept less. You deserve happiness. It sounds like a lot of your trouble has come from settling for men that you knew weren't right for you.

I really don't think the majority of men are creeps . . . you have had some bad luck!! Hang in there, and good luck to you!!

I did not write that to start trouble. I was simply telling the op what steps I have taken to better my life. I did not say she had to follow in my footsteps, or pressuring her about religion or lack of it. Not everyone is a believer, and that is fine. I want the bickering to stop. There is no reason for it and it is what it is.

OP
I see someone has suggested counseling/therapy. I do also. For me it is a different set of eyes looking at a situation. A person that is neutral. A way to vent, to cry, whatever emotions and troubles arise and how they make you feel. It has been a tool for me.


SW 350 (11/15)
BSW 260 (10/17/17)
CW 224 (1/3/18)
RGW 199
GW 175

Kandywolf your stats are very similar to mine, I too want a 175 goal, you inspire me to,keep on keeping on. Thank you.

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Kandywolf your stats are very similar to mine, I too want a 175 goal, you inspire me to,keep on keeping on. Thank you.

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Thank you Kakat! I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful group of very unbelievably supportive family, friends and church members. My biggest cheerleaders, my helpers, and the love and support of all of them! I would have never been able to do this journey alone! Plus I have 2 people in my life that have done this. One had the bypass, and the other had the sleeve. the information, the love and support and their willingness to tell me their experiences. They are all a true blessing to me!