Sajijoma

My family is supportive as hell. The only guilt I feel is over the $17K that surgery put us into debt, alongside grad school, and I'm nervous that the debt is going to come back to haunt us sooner than later. I guess better poor and alive though, than debt-free and nearly-dead.

We've been working towards this goal for a long time actually. Buying it and just owning it was a big deal. It's not even really about the cottage cheese itself, but about the amount of emotional hold I've given this inanimate object.(so says the therapist) So we've bought it, looked at it, touched it, played with it, and that was all fine in the confines of therapy, but the moment it was time for me to buy it myself and bring it home and work up to eating it without anger or pain attached, there I drop it. I can't move past it and in doing this I can see that I haven't gotten past my past. I understand my mother is mentally ill, I understand that she wasn't responsible for all of her actions, but that hurt and anger and especially the pain are still in there. I have just transferred that emotion to the object of my torture(the cottage cheese). So there is my problem. I need to not associate it with my past so that I can actually work on the deeper issues, but I just can't move past this one. Maybe it's just not time yet. I know it would be beneficial from a post op diet standpoint of I did, but there are so many other options that I might just leave this pot simmering on the back burner awhile longer.

I wouldn't call it guilt, but there is definitely a level of embarrassment. I know if I tell my casual friends that I'm having wls they will totally just think I've taken the easy way out and not realize how important this is for me. It makes me want to keep it to myself and only let a few people in. I've always been a pretty private person as far as my weight and diets go so it wouldn't surprise anyone if I went on another diet and lost some weight. By the time I lose a substantial amount of weight, I might be more open to talking about it. I think if anything I'm more afraid of telling people and then not losing anything and have people talk about me and how I couldn't make it work because I'm just a fat lazy person. That's my biggest fear.

I wouldn't call it guilt, but there is definitely a level of embarrassment. I know if I tell my casual friends that I'm having wls they will totally just think I've taken the easy way out and not realize how important this is for me. It makes me want to keep it to myself and only let a few people in. I've always been a pretty private person as far as my weight and diets go so it wouldn't surprise anyone if I went on another diet and lost some weight. By the time I lose a substantial amount of weight, I might be more open to talking about it. I think if anything I'm more afraid of telling people and then not losing anything and have people talk about me and how I couldn't make it work because I'm just a fat lazy person. That's my biggest fear.

Thanks! I need all the cheerleading I can get!

@@Sajijoma Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom. You will get healthy and go on to see them grow up and be surrounded by grandkids and great grandkids.
You're an inspiration!

I have a short list that I've been working on:
1.fit in swing at the park and swing race with the kids
2. go down the slide at the park and not get stuck in the tunnel like winnie the pooh
3. run 1 mile non stop then 2 miles, etc til I get to 5miles then I give myself a gold star of achievement
4. get some skin taken off and my boobs put back where they used to be maybe implants if they deflate too much
5. ride on a motorcycle(any volunteers? My hubby hates them)
6. plan a trip to Ireland to see where my family came from(we're from Northern Ireland from Tyrone County if anyone else shares the dream)
7. take a full length pic from head to toe-maybe do a full nude pic for my hubby(tastefully of course)
8. ride a bike and not just a big fat tricycle because I can't balance all of this awesome on 2 wheels
9. go to theme park and ride all the rides that won't give me a seizure
10. buy a bikini and wear it like a boss...at least in the comfort of my own backyard.
11. go on airplane ride and buy ONE seat and need only ONE seat
12. go hang gliding off of Lookout Mountain in Colorado
13. climb all the 14ers in Colorado
14. learn to swim
15. buy a single digit size piece of clothing and have it fit-I've been in plus sizes since I was in 3rd grade so this one is a super huge deal to me.
and that's what I have so far, but if I think hard enough I can find more but it's a start!

I can relate to a lot of the things you said. I have 7 kids ranging from 13 to just turned 1. I had them all back to back to back with 3 miscarriages thrown in there as well. I never got any of my baby weight off before I was pregnant again. I'm one of those incredibly fertile fat women that most doctors say don't exist. I'm one of those who doesn't lose while nursing either even on a strict supervised diet. I started out my first pregnancy overweight at 200lbs which for me and my height and build doesn't look terribly bad, but it still wasn't healthy. I've been overweight my whole life and putting on 10-15lbs with each one added an extra 70-105lbs and then I was on antidepressants after my late term miscarriage, because I felt so guilty for being so fat and unhealthy that I wanted to punish myself with more fat and misery for my baby dying. I added another almost 100lbs on top of my other baby weight between the antidepressants and sleep eating from the sleep aids to help me sleep. Add on some rebound pounds from my failed diets and I'm sitting at HOLY HELL! 410lbs after I already lost 20! It's hard to realize you've got more than an entire healthy weight person to lose. In my case, I've got 2 people who need to lose weight to lose from my body. The reason I chose to go with a bypass is because I know I can't do this with diet alone. I have been trying that my whole life and it hasn't worked. I just keep getting fatter. I want to live to be able to see my kids grow up. I don't want them to say that their childhood was ruined because we never went anywhere or did anything because I was too fat to do anything. That's my motivation for surgery. It's because my love for them is greater than my fear of dying. I'm pretty certain I won't die. My surgeon is skilled and has a great track record, I don't have any co morbidities so far, and he says my risk is very similar to my gallbladder surgery so given that, I'm taking an educated risk. I'm more likely to die from my weight in the next 5yrs if I do nothing than I am to die from the surgery at this point. At the very least, I'm going to lose this weight and give my kids back the mom they deserve and avoid a future filled with diabetes, heart disease, stroke risk, and premature death that my super obese siblings and parents are dealing with. My father just had a massive stroke at 72 and will never be the same. I don't want that for my family or myself. One of my biggest fears is dying in front of my kids or them finding my dead body. If I can stop this right now, before it gets worse, I can prevent that and prevent them from heading down the same path by keeping them more active with their new active mom. It's worth the shot to me.

I can relate to a lot of the things you said. I have 7 kids ranging from 13 to just turned 1. I had them all back to back to back with 3 miscarriages thrown in there as well. I never got any of my baby weight off before I was pregnant again. I'm one of those incredibly fertile fat women that most doctors say don't exist. I'm one of those who doesn't lose while nursing either even on a strict supervised diet. I started out my first pregnancy overweight at 200lbs which for me and my height and build doesn't look terribly bad, but it still wasn't healthy. I've been overweight my whole life and putting on 10-15lbs with each one added an extra 70-105lbs and then I was on antidepressants after my late term miscarriage, because I felt so guilty for being so fat and unhealthy that I wanted to punish myself with more fat and misery for my baby dying. I added another almost 100lbs on top of my other baby weight between the antidepressants and sleep eating from the sleep aids to help me sleep. Add on some rebound pounds from my failed diets and I'm sitting at HOLY HELL! 410lbs after I already lost 20! It's hard to realize you've got more than an entire healthy weight person to lose. In my case, I've got 2 people who need to lose weight to lose from my body. The reason I chose to go with a bypass is because I know I can't do this with diet alone. I have been trying that my whole life and it hasn't worked. I just keep getting fatter. I want to live to be able to see my kids grow up. I don't want them to say that their childhood was ruined because we never went anywhere or did anything because I was too fat to do anything. That's my motivation for surgery. It's because my love for them is greater than my fear of dying. I'm pretty certain I won't die. My surgeon is skilled and has a great track record, I don't have any co morbidities so far, and he says my risk is very similar to my gallbladder surgery so given that, I'm taking an educated risk. I'm more likely to die from my weight in the next 5yrs if I do nothing than I am to die from the surgery at this point. At the very least, I'm going to lose this weight and give my kids back the mom they deserve and avoid a future filled with diabetes, heart disease, stroke risk, and premature death that my super obese siblings and parents are dealing with. My father just had a massive stroke at 72 and will never be the same. I don't want that for my family or myself. One of my biggest fears is dying in front of my kids or them finding my dead body. If I can stop this right now, before it gets worse, I can prevent that and prevent them from heading down the same path by keeping them more active with their new active mom. It's worth the shot to me.

Thanks for the suggestion! I actually love hummus and wondered if that was going to be allowed. I haven't made it to that appt yet where we discuss the details of the after op diet. I did choke down some cottage cheese a few nights ago, but I was just angry/sad the whole time. It totally still feels like a punishment. I'm going to try a couple of more times to break that association, but I honestly don't know if I can. My therapist thinks I can, but she has way more faith than I do at this point!

@Sajijoma....if you don't want the cottage cheese, toss it. I never touched the stuff. My go to for soft foods was and still is hummus. I prefer it and it's full of Protein. I eat it now with torn pieces of wrap bread (very thin so it goes down well) or with baby carrots or red or yellow pepper. I'm sure there are lots of other choices out there as well. Good luck and welcome to BP!

I don't have a specific list, per se, however, I do have things I'd like to do.
I'd certainly like to travel more. I hate planes now because of cramped space. Should just only be a problem of legroom in the future.
I"ve got a few hobbies that I want to be more active in.
Mainly, though, I just want to do everything I do now......but do it much better !!!!

I'm pre op, but I've had my gallbladder taken out, kidney stones, and all of my babies were born in the hospital. The thing I wasn't prepared for is that they NEVER leave you alone even at night! Nurses will come
through doing rounds, flipping on lights to check your vitals, take temps, change IV, deal with the input line that keeps beeping because there's a link in the line, etc. and if you have trouble going back to sleep like I do, it can mean you just don't rest at all the entire time.
I do recommend taking ear plugs, eye mask and your own pillows for comfort-partly because the hospital ones are like rubber coated, hard, and super flat and also because they never seem to have any extras so if you want more than just one flat pillow, keep that in mind. Also put it in a bright colored case so they know it's yours from home and housekeeping or a nurse doesn't snag it for another patient.
When I had my gallbladder taken out and when I had kidney stones, I was too tired from the pain meds to care much about entertainment beyond a little TV, or cuddling one of my kids who was visiting, but when I was in having my babies, after the kids all went home and it was just me and the new baby who was sleeping, I needed the iPad, my phone, some sudoku and crossword puzzles, and told my friends and family on FB too many details of life in the hospital. Seriously, it's embarrassing what you find yourself posting! For example: "status update: I smell bacon, wonder if it's Breakfast time? Guess they'll bring it in after the nurse leaves." And 5 mins later "status update: turns out it wasn't Breakfast, nurse just burped in my face. She hoped I hadn't noticed til I mentioned the smell of bacon...LOL" and 4 mins later..."status update: really gotta poop but I can't poop in foreign toilets, I hope to god they discharge me before I end up exploding! LOL" yeah those are all real posts sorry to say. Maybe stay away from Facebook til the craziness of the drugs wear off.
All in all it's manageable. I usually check out as soon as humanly possible which was like 12hrs after my gallbladder and depending on the doc and complications, anywhere from 6-12hrs after birth. I just do better in my own home.

@@Dub yeah I'm really excited at the smoothness so far. Generally when I'm involved it usually hits anywhere from 10 to 20 snags along the way! Haha I can't wait to be able to steals daughter's clothes. For years I've been buying her the stuff I really want to be wearing but doesn't come in plus size, so maybe when I hit that goal I'll just go shopping in her closet! ????

Oh it was so funny! She was embarrassed and said she was praying to God I didn't notice, but we had a good laugh about it. The one thing I always try to tell people is that your nurse is just basically like you. Totally human and totally guilty of embarrassing moments. You burp, you fart, you get talked about on FB LMAO

I have a short list that I've been working on:
1.fit in swing at the park and swing race with the kids
2. go down the slide at the park and not get stuck in the tunnel like winnie the pooh
3. run 1 mile non stop then 2 miles, etc til I get to 5miles then I give myself a gold star of achievement
4. get some skin taken off and my boobs put back where they used to be maybe implants if they deflate too much
5. ride on a motorcycle(any volunteers? My hubby hates them)
6. plan a trip to Ireland to see where my family came from(we're from Northern Ireland from Tyrone County if anyone else shares the dream)
7. take a full length pic from head to toe-maybe do a full nude pic for my hubby(tastefully of course)
8. ride a bike and not just a big fat tricycle because I can't balance all of this awesome on 2 wheels
9. go to theme park and ride all the rides that won't give me a seizure
10. buy a bikini and wear it like a boss...at least in the comfort of my own backyard.
11. go on airplane ride and buy ONE seat and need only ONE seat
12. go hang gliding off of Lookout Mountain in Colorado
13. climb all the 14ers in Colorado
14. learn to swim
15. buy a single digit size piece of clothing and have it fit-I've been in plus sizes since I was in 3rd grade so this one is a super huge deal to me.
and that's what I have so far, but if I think hard enough I can find more but it's a start!

I have a photo album with all the cute dresses and outfits I want to buy after I lose the weight. I have always been a big girl since the age of 13 so I'm excited to be able to wear the cute cloth for a change.

@@Doubletruble#1 Great question! You have so many good things on your list!
I have a list going in my mind....
2 knee surgeries (as soon as my BMI is below 40, as that is what the surgeon requires. One replacement, the other big bone spur)
Whatever plastics my insurance allows. Fix this hernia my surgeon didn't fix because it's so big.
Go outside, literally. Unless I have to go to the Dr. or shopping, I rarely leave my home. I'm so self-conscious. I've had horrible issues with OCD, and anxiety in general for many years. I'm hoping losing this weight will eliminate one more thing that keeps me locked inside, like a prisoner.
Get a bike. Pink. Start riding around like I'm the wicked witch of the midwest. hehehe
Go to Ireland. (It's a lifelong dream. I will be able to walk and bike and paint...which is exactly what I want to spend a lot of time doing. I also don't smoke anymore, 1.5 years ago I stopped. Travel abroad seems like a real possibility)
Do even more travelling. I'd love to do Disney and NYC (need to be able to do a lot of walking)
Get a dog, FINALLY....because I have wanted one for so many years, and I couldn't get out, and even walk well or long enough to take care of a dog. I want a Boston Terrier, a male, and I'm going to name him Buster!
Start singing in public again. I host open mics, and sing online twice a week. But I want to get out in public again, and sing with the kind of confidence I had when I was younger. I was still fat then, but getting bigger and bigger over the years has really taken a toll on my self esteem.
Date.

Hi everyone! I made a list of the things I want to do after I loss the weight. Here it is.

I think I get it. I've been overweight my whole life. This chubby cheeked face is all I've ever known. I don't know how I'll feel the first time I look in a mirror and she's gone. That does bother me a bit. I try to focus on the positives, but I do worry that I won't be "me" after surgery. But then maybe that's ok too. Maybe we need to be accepting of a new version of "me" and learn what we like all over again. I've heard some post op people once they reach goal weight refer to their surgery date as their new birthday, because they were taken through a new childhood and into a new life. You even start out eating like a baby if you think about it! First liquids, then soft foods like baby Cereal, and then slowly til we get to solids. So maybe we are babies again, so maybe it's ok to cry a little. LOL

Aspartame gives me horrific Migraines, so I will be asking at my appt what alternatives they could offer or recommend. I do use Splenda without any problem, but I don't know of too many products made with Splenda that would be good for pre op or post op diets.

I'm pre op, but I've had my gallbladder taken out, kidney stones, and all of my babies were born in the hospital. The thing I wasn't prepared for is that they NEVER leave you alone even at night! Nurses will come
through doing rounds, flipping on lights to check your vitals, take temps, change IV, deal with the input line that keeps beeping because there's a link in the line, etc. and if you have trouble going back to sleep like I do, it can mean you just don't rest at all the entire time.
I do recommend taking ear plugs, eye mask and your own pillows for comfort-partly because the hospital ones are like rubber coated, hard, and super flat and also because they never seem to have any extras so if you want more than just one flat pillow, keep that in mind. Also put it in a bright colored case so they know it's yours from home and housekeeping or a nurse doesn't snag it for another patient.
When I had my gallbladder taken out and when I had kidney stones, I was too tired from the pain meds to care much about entertainment beyond a little TV, or cuddling one of my kids who was visiting, but when I was in having my babies, after the kids all went home and it was just me and the new baby who was sleeping, I needed the iPad, my phone, some sudoku and crossword puzzles, and told my friends and family on FB too many details of life in the hospital. Seriously, it's embarrassing what you find yourself posting! For example: "status update: I smell bacon, wonder if it's Breakfast time? Guess they'll bring it in after the nurse leaves." And 5 mins later "status update: turns out it wasn't Breakfast, nurse just burped in my face. She hoped I hadn't noticed til I mentioned the smell of bacon...LOL" and 4 mins later..."status update: really gotta poop but I can't poop in foreign toilets, I hope to god they discharge me before I end up exploding! LOL" yeah those are all real posts sorry to say. Maybe stay away from Facebook til the craziness of the drugs wear off.
All in all it's manageable. I usually check out as soon as humanly possible which was like 12hrs after my gallbladder and depending on the doc and complications, anywhere from 6-12hrs after birth. I just do better in my own home.

I think I get it. I've been overweight my whole life. This chubby cheeked face is all I've ever known. I don't know how I'll feel the first time I look in a mirror and she's gone. That does bother me a bit. I try to focus on the positives, but I do worry that I won't be "me" after surgery. But then maybe that's ok too. Maybe we need to be accepting of a new version of "me" and learn what we like all over again. I've heard some post op people once they reach goal weight refer to their surgery date as their new birthday, because they were taken through a new childhood and into a new life. You even start out eating like a baby if you think about it! First liquids, then soft foods like baby Cereal, and then slowly til we get to solids. So maybe we are babies again, so maybe it's ok to cry a little. LOL

@@The Candidate I'm so looking forward to this. I'm afraid to get too used to this "ease" of getting through stuff though because it feels like I have hope right now of being "normal" and usually whenever I have hope, someone comes and busts my bubble. Could be the psych eval. I'm a total lunatic! ????

Congrats! It's always a plus when things start going your way throughout the process. Your healthier life is looming right around the corner!