finediva

S M H, really hard. Why do people feel the need to ask people such personal questions? Why do people feel they have to share ANYTHING about themselves? Both questions baffle and annoy me, greatly. I told absolutely no one I've had surgery. There was only one reason. It was absolutely no one's business. Including the teenage I am still parenting. From the day he was born I made sure his financial future was secured and have guardianship in place for him. I could leave my house any day and never return, due to mishap. While I hoped and believed I would return to my child, and my adult children, I did not share my decision to have surgery with them. Almost nine months later, it was the best decision I made. I did not have to endure foolish comment and nonsense from anyone, and NO, I didn't need the support. I went after this process like it was my J O B! I prepared to the best of my ability and self cared from day one. I am grateful that I've had minimal complications and my life is SO much better now. Ok, so the mini rant is over. Told no one and never plan to.

I'm in my early fifties. The young guys keep looking. I just give my secret smile and keep walking. Yeah, like that!

I'm in my early fifties. The young guys keep looking. I just give my secret smile and keep walking. Yeah, like that!

Whose stomach is the loudest of them all? MY stomach! Loud gurgling and odd noises that rises into my throat. But never escapes as a burp. Grrr. This goes on all day and night long. But mainly after I eat. It has nothing to do with me being hungry. I don't want to eat or drink around people. When I do eat with my teenage son, he just give strange annoying looks.

S M H, really hard. Why do people feel the need to ask people such personal questions? Why do people feel they have to share ANYTHING about themselves? Both questions baffle and annoy me, greatly. I told absolutely no one I've had surgery. There was only one reason. It was absolutely no one's business. Including the teenage I am still parenting. From the day he was born I made sure his financial future was secured and have guardianship in place for him. I could leave my house any day and never return, due to mishap. While I hoped and believed I would return to my child, and my adult children, I did not share my decision to have surgery with them. Almost nine months later, it was the best decision I made. I did not have to endure foolish comment and nonsense from anyone, and NO, I didn't need the support. I went after this process like it was my J O B! I prepared to the best of my ability and self cared from day one. I am grateful that I've had minimal complications and my life is SO much better now. Ok, so the mini rant is over. Told no one and never plan to.

S M H, really hard. Why do people feel the need to ask people such personal questions? Why do people feel they have to share ANYTHING about themselves? Both questions baffle and annoy me, greatly. I told absolutely no one I've had surgery. There was only one reason. It was absolutely no one's business. Including the teenage I am still parenting. From the day he was born I made sure his financial future was secured and have guardianship in place for him. I could leave my house any day and never return, due to mishap. While I hoped and believed I would return to my child, and my adult children, I did not share my decision to have surgery with them. Almost nine months later, it was the best decision I made. I did not have to endure foolish comment and nonsense from anyone, and NO, I didn't need the support. I went after this process like it was my J O B! I prepared to the best of my ability and self cared from day one. I am grateful that I've had minimal complications and my life is SO much better now. Ok, so the mini rant is over. Told no one and never plan to.

I'm in my early fifties. The young guys keep looking. I just give my secret smile and keep walking. Yeah, like that!

S M H, really hard. Why do people feel the need to ask people such personal questions? Why do people feel they have to share ANYTHING about themselves? Both questions baffle and annoy me, greatly. I told absolutely no one I've had surgery. There was only one reason. It was absolutely no one's business. Including the teenage I am still parenting. From the day he was born I made sure his financial future was secured and have guardianship in place for him. I could leave my house any day and never return, due to mishap. While I hoped and believed I would return to my child, and my adult children, I did not share my decision to have surgery with them. Almost nine months later, it was the best decision I made. I did not have to endure foolish comment and nonsense from anyone, and NO, I didn't need the support. I went after this process like it was my J O B! I prepared to the best of my ability and self cared from day one. I am grateful that I've had minimal complications and my life is SO much better now. Ok, so the mini rant is over. Told no one and never plan to.

@@finediva you were right to trust a Male friend.... Female are gossips by nature. My self included..... lol Thanks for the compliment... my road has not been an easy one and is still very rocky. But that's another topic...
WLS and it's acceptance has come along way over the past years. Most people understand more, about WLS and don't look down on us as much.

@bayougirlmrsc. Congrats on the loss. I agree with all you said. I'm keeping my secret...beyond the grave! Oh, I had a very distant friend drop me off at the hospital entrance and picked me up the same way. I nurse walked me down. She was so nice about it. The friend didn't ask about why I was there and I didn't volunteer. ...it was a man, so maybe he really didn't care or was afraid to ask in case it was something female related....haha.

@LipstickLady. I put on the size 6/8 skinny geans, have room in the waist, and still think it's the mirror making me look thin. I recently realized I've been trying to find a mirror that would show me the fat girl who is still in my head. I wonder if I would ever get rid of her. But maybe it's a good thing that I do remember her. Maybe she'll keep me watchful and vigilant.

And I can't imagine ever being fat again.
I am still FREAKING amazed at myself every single day. I can slip on a pair of size 8 skinny jeans and not have to suck it in. My tops are sized medium. I can shop in any store I want.
I can run, I can jump, I can climb the stairs without panting for air.
I never ever ever want to lose this feeling because I never want to go back to where I was. I can't wait for everyone to get here. It's a beautiful place to be.

Once, nearly 15 years ago now, I lost a huge amount of weight and got down to my lowest weight ever - 129 (I'm 5' 2"). But it was fleeting and gone before I ever really had a chance to enjoy it. Typically, I regained the weight plus more very quickly after reaching my goal.
But I can remember faintly how great I felt, how amazing those size 6's felt, and all the other lost positives that went with it.
So for me, I can imagine it very well, and sometimes I think it's worse, because it's a "me" I've been trying to revisit for over a decade now. I've missed her very much and I can't wait for our emotional reunion!

@@megieg .... this is what i told another person that is concerned about what to say... remember, you own them NOTHING.... no explanation. it's none of there business. I felt the same way when i had surgery. That i had to hid what i was doing. And i did for a while, but jealousy got the best of a very close/co work and friend... and she ratted me out. Up to that point my standard answer to .... Wow, you have lost some weight, how did you do it, was..... I watch everything i eat, cut down my portions and started exercising..... which was the truth. and then i walked away.... unless it was one of the b*****s that use to say bad things about fat people, but who has now gained weight..... To them i would say... the same thing, but i added...Wow you have put on some pounds... what happened to you? Watch there face and the expression, flip my hair....and walk away.... boop!!
If you want it to stay a secret, tell no one.... and i mean no one. You think you can tell your closest friends/co workers.. But they will eventually talk. Especially if they are larger too. One day some one will say in passing.... did you see how great Meg is looking... and out it will come.... "i could lose weight too if i had WLS"... and there you go. The gossip will start and now you are exposed. If i could have gotten away without telling i would have gotten a cab home.

Everytime I get ready to leave the site for good, someone like you posts something amazing that just keeps me coming back....and it's YOU this time! Thank you for your inspiration, your diligence, and your encouragement that we all get from your posts. I, too, will be 54 this year. I hope I can aspire to the graceful heights to where you have flown....NOW, dear lady, free yourself......

@BloomingLotus. Agreed, but I honestly feel that sometimes it's not concern but just people being nosey and trying to get information. I attend church every Sunday. Two Sundays ago a man who hadn't seen me for months said " wow you lost weight, you have cancer?" Really, he said that! He didn't even give me a chance to respond to the weight loss part. I was shocked? I smiled and said, " no cancer, thank God" wished him a good day and walked away. Still SMH!

@JustWatchMe. Yes! I am watching you and you are freaking a m a z i n g! Happy birthday girl!!!!!!!!!!!

@JustWatchMe. Yes! I am watching you and you are freaking a m a z i n g! Happy birthday girl!!!!!!!!!!!

It's going to get better. ..soon. Just focus on your recovery. Trust me, you will eat solid food again, and your happy will come back. Sometimes I wishIi could go back to the beginning of my surgery when it was so easy to follow the plan. Some days I struggle really hard to stay the course because I an eat anything! Nothing bothers my tiny tummy. All the best.

@JustWatchMe. Yes! I am watching you and you are freaking a m a z i n g! Happy birthday girl!!!!!!!!!!!

It's going to get better. ..soon. Just focus on your recovery. Trust me, you will eat solid food again, and your happy will come back. Sometimes I wishIi could go back to the beginning of my surgery when it was so easy to follow the plan. Some days I struggle really hard to stay the course because I an eat anything! Nothing bothers my tiny tummy. All the best.

I thought that getting WLS was going to be hard. Turns out, it was pretty easy. I had great insurance and got approval and had surgery six months after starting my process.
I thought losing the first 100 pounds was going to be hard. Turns out, with my LapBand, it was pretty easy. My body cooperated with my band and when I ate right, the weight came off.
I thought leaving my emotionally abusive husband was going to be hard. Turns out, once I took control of my food and my body and got out of my food coma, leaving him was pretty easy. Logistically tricky, but with reliance on friends and family and a good lawyer, leaving was only temporarily difficult.
I thought the divorce process would be hard. Turns out, it is stressful and emotional, but the actual tasks put in front of me, although tedious and time consuming, are just tasks. I am blessed with a good job and resources that many women don't have. The slowness of it is harder than the tasks in front of me.
I thought walking for exercise was going to be hard. Turns out, it is the one exercise I love and have not grown tired of. I can walk for miles with ease.
I thought asking for help was going to be hard. Turns out, like exercising a muscle, the more I do it, the easier it gets.
I thought being kind to myself was going to be easy. I was wrong.
Oh, was I wrong.
Oh, I've learned it's okay and necessary to treat myself to little things, like a manicure, or a foot massage, or a movie. But then there's the other things.
And I can't help wondering if these other things have a lot to do with why I overeat and stayed obese for so long.
Like saying no to people. I say no. But then I go into "shoulda woulda coulda" and feel guilty about it.
Like reaching for comfort food or wine once in awhile. And then I start the tape in my head that says I'm bad, I'm lazy, I'm never going to get to my goal weight because I don't deserve to.
Like going out with friends and holding my head up high because I feel pretty for the first time in years. And when a musician in a band notices and makes a sweet comment about the "beautiful women in the room tonight" and points directly at me, I find the next opportunity to gather my things and call it an early evening, because to flirt would be bad, and I don't deserve that kind of attention.
Like getting a strong lawyer who is fighting for my financial rights and future, but crying at night because this divorce would go so much faster if I just didn't fight for the college money for my girls or maintenance for myself; because if I wanted out so bad, shouldn't I just cut my losses and end this?
Like not losing any weight for the last six months even though I have fifty left to goal, and telling myself it will never happen because I've never followed through on a goal weight before and what makes me think this time is any different?
Like standing up to my mom's criticisms in person, but in private wondering if she is right about me -- that I'm making a big mistake doing this or that or the other thing, and remembering how judged I felt my whole childhood and adolescence and wondering if she was right about me all along?
This is what is hard. Calling bulls!# on these thoughts and patterns and habits.
My higher self knows it. But it's so DAMN HARD to stop the negative thought cycle, that shi##y committee in my head.
Attitude is everything. I just turned 54 over the weekend and birthdays make me reflective. I have what may prove to be my best year ever ahead of me. God willing, I may see divorce papers signed in 2015. Maybe. I'm 100 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and healthier than I have been in decades. I may be moving into a new home by the end of the year. There is every reason to be hopeful.
So why does my sick brain still gravitate toward self blame and misery? Why, why don't I believe I deserve happiness?
I may never know why.
I'm a practical person. I believe in results. So what I'm planning to do about this is purely practical. It may or may not have any basis in psychology, but it seems reasonable to me.
I plan to abort those thoughts the second I sense them in my head. Literally catch myself and interrupt it with the opposite thought.
I do deserve joy. I do choose healthy food and I will meet my weight loss goal. That person that said I was beautiful was telling the truth. I choose to believe my older daughter who just told me I am strong and a role model. I believe my younger daughter who just told me I've always got her back. I am deserving of financial security and what is rightfully mine. I am deserving of a slim body and to feel pretty. Accepting attention is not shameful. I make good decisions. I take care of my loved ones and I am a good mother. I am smart and strong and pretty and nobody's fool. I am precious in God's eyes and I will live my best life.
This is the hard part. This is the only hard part. The head is always the hardest part to change.

@@finediva Wow do I get the church thing. I'm really into ministry as are my close friends who know and are supportive. But God bless them, there are some really clueless people out there. I made the mistake of asking my nurse friend a question without checking to see who was near by and this lady who has just started going to church pulls me aside to try to sell me weight-loss supplements! I was so angry but couldn't show it. I mean really...if you think I haven't tried every moronic gimic out there! No one just randomnly wakes up one morning and says, "Hey, I'd just love to have my stomach cut open and redesigned!" Definitely a mistake I will not be making again.

I just want my nice round butt back. Really, I want it back. I didn't have any issues with it!

@BloomingLotus. I was faked niceness. I was standing in the lobby of my church. I really wanted to say, how rude of you. All that week I kept coming up with so many other replies example, I haven't seen you in a while, did you have a vasectomy? I wonder if he would of thought me inappropriate?