NancyintheNorth

I've just read your blog and wow...wow Winter has been hard for many with the polar vortex and all and it's hard to see that spring will ever arrive. Take tiny tiny steps. Do little things for yourself. Get a mani/pedi. Take your daughter to a local community center that has an indoor pool. Her excitement and enthusiasm will help you with yours. Get involved in something. Buy a new lipstick, or a new pair of shoes. Shop in a store in your community that you've never been in. Hang in there, be nice to you, stop offending yourself

You will find lots of help here. Congratulations as you focus on taking care of you and doing what you need to do!

I sort of thought that as time went on, this liquid pre-op would get easier. In some ways it does and in other ways it bites. I'm tired of just liquid and vegetables. Ah, I'll soldier on. I keep reminding myself that once I hear what I've lost during this pre-op phase that I'll be happy with myself. I do far better earlier in the day, as the day wanes on from about 4pm onwards I'm out of energy and interest. I'm working on making that a positive. I find myself pretty reflective as I work through emotional issues. If I don't work through some of those issues I don't feel I'll be successful because we all do this to ourselves for some reason. On Tuesday when I left my therapist I wanted donuts. In a former life I'd stop, go in the drive through, and buy two donuts and eat them in a huge hurry because I was on my way home. But after leaving her office, I wondered why I wanted them. Sure, there is their great taste, but I know it's beyond just how they taste. I think part of it sugar addiction. I've often wondered if Skippy dog food had a sugar variety if I'd eat that too. I wanted to feel full. I could finally name that. I wanted to feel full. Full of what? Warmth spreading from within me when I eat, enveloped in sugar love. So I really examined that, really thought about it and of course, didn't buy the donuts, which not long after I got home I'd forgotten about them anyway. Can food be love? You can surely love food, but isn't there something 'right' or correct about loving what well balanced food can do for you as a tool. Making you feel better, making your body work for you (me), filling it with nutrition. I can love food, and do but I think an important distinction is that I abuse food. I eat unhealthy food, I consume it in great quantities, I use it maybe to remind myself that I'm not all that great, not all that loved. **** that's awful. Just free thinking here. 6 days until surgery

So yesterday was stressful Contractor chaos at home along with my poor dog who is nervous around ladders and paint rollers. I took her to her doggy day care as this wears her out. I'd planned on breakfast and lunch as I had meetings to attend. I drank breakfast on the way to the morning meeting. I ordered tea only but was sort of wistfully sad when a colleague ordered my favourite breakfast sandwich and sat next to me. I focused on ignoring her until she was done. As I was at a restaurant and because I had time to kill until a much later appointment I went outside to get my iPad and "lunch". When I picked up the bag and had already gotten it inside I realized that the shake had opened and had spilled its contents onto my SmartShape paperwork and onto my chargers. I got a load of napkins and pulled stuff out of the bag. I'm sue I looked ridiculous as it's colour - due to me adding a packet of crystal light to the vanilla shake looked a bit like blood. I caught MANY looks and a manager came over after asking if he could help me. Once I told him what had happened he laughed his head off. The manager left and then I had to hunt an electrical outlet because of course my iPad was out of juice - typical. I knew that some seating areas had outlets but I had a hard time discerning which ones because the baseboards are painted black as are the outlets. I asked a waitress for help but she was just unsure of which tables had the outlets. Now I'm not tiny. I'm 5'11" and I weigh 250 lbs. bending over to try to see is a challenge. I decided that because I HAD to get some of this work done that I'd have to get down on my hands and knees to see if I could see the &$(!?$$ outlet. I crawled underneath the table and finally was able to see it. So picture this - my full (REALLY full) moon was in the air and because I'm so tall I keep knocking my but and my head on the table threatening to overturn it. I look up and can see the shins of others passing by and two women who are sitting across from my table say "where's the wacko with the bloody bag". I emerged from under the table and smiled at them and said "right here" As I left the restaurant I stopped and bought hubby a treat ignoring my most favourite cookie. What a day. I'm admitting to hunger on occasion, but I haven't eaten anything I'm not allowed. Having seemingly non stop chaos at home leaves me tired. By tomorrow the painters will be in the basement and I should be able to mostly working from home. No access to pictures. Feels odd to end this without a picture. Tomorrow I'll post two to make up!

thanks so much luckyknickers57! I have yet to experience the restaurant, however, I'm still on the pre-op diet. Tomorrow I have a lunch get together with friends. I'm thinking I'll tell a story about how I just ate. Oi, what's a girl to do

I'd do something out of the ordinary. Take a day off and go and play somewhere. Go to a museum, or a park, or go to a nearby city or town that you haven't visited recently. go to a library, call a friend, go see someone you'd like to see. Visit a gardening centre just to look at flowers For me - the worst is doing nothing but stewing. I'm thinking about you!

Way to go, keep at it

Well yesterday (which was day 4) was better and yet tougher in some ways. The handsome one and I are in major renovations. And yesterday was the home depot, IKEA and a local carpeting place, followed by a trip to the grocery store (more on this in a bit). Now that the master bed and bath is complete, it's moving furniture back into place, lifting, moving, up an down the stairs. I'm glad for the exercise, as it's too icy outside to walk, but I'm also glad that hubby and I decided that today was a 'day off' work wise. Hubby was sure to ask me repeatedly if I wanted to stay home rather than run errands and especially go to the grocery store. In my thoughts I feel that I have to face the grocery store, it's not reality when you choose to eliminate something that is vital like getting food. But it was hard....really hard and sort of sad - for only a bit. I wanted to buy bags of chips so that I could sit in front of the tv and consume them. On the way out of the store I had that same sad feeling when I could smell the chicken roasting. I know that these things can come back to me in food, but I'll have to be especially wary of chips. Today I've woken up feeling great despite all of yesterdays work. I'll try to walk again today and if not, I have a small trampoline downstairs that I'll use. I'm so grateful for all of the comments I receive. I thank you for reading and commenting. This is a great forum for getting the support you need.

Don't feel alone at all. I'm right here. Thanks for your note of support!

I'm tired, really tired and pretty weak. On the other hand, I'm soooooooooo glad to be on this pre-op because it's helping me so much in gaining control. Yesterday it dawned on me that the Unjury Chicken Soup wasn't discussed in any of the handouts I have. I checked with the dietician and she says it's off limits during this phase, so yesterday, it was just Slim Time for me. I tried the chocolate during lunch and used the chocolate and put in a fair amount of peppermint extract. Made me imagine that I was eating Girl Scout Thin Mints. Any trick will work for me. Other than being tired I feel fine, hungry at times but I just continue to swamp myself with water. I'm glad that I drank a lot of water before I started this (it's maybe the ONE good thing I've done for a long long time), otherwise I'd struggle to get it all in. Along with surgery, I'm also spending time with a therapist who specializes in obesity and family issues. I've long been convinced that my eating difficulties are related to 'stuffing' emotional issues. I can see now how I had few outlets for my emotions and that translated into me eating to sooth myself. I have to learn new behaviours. I'm glad I'm doing therapy at the same time. I think my odds of relapsing will be lessened if I could just get a handle on why I do what I do (binge eating, overeating, etc.) and how to stop doing what I've always done. It's not to say that I think I wouldn't relapse - god that scares me SO much. My parents were alcoholic and they never relapsed but they talked about how easy it is, and I equate this to something like alcoholism - an addiction. Once I start with the carbohydrates and the sweet stuff I am lost and reigning myself in is very very difficult. I'm blessed that I can have this surgery and for now, I'm grateful for the pre-op diet.

thanks so much dylanmiles!

I'm just about to go on my walk and then have lunch afterwards. Last night I was so tired and I think it's the shock of the diet, plus yesterday they took a ton of blood from me for pre-surgery testing, plus my walk. A slight headache today. I've been using the Vanilla Slim Time and have added a packet of raspberry crystal light. DELISH As a snack I've been using Unjury chicken soup...also well worth the money.

So day 1 of pre-op Slim Time liquid 'diet'. I have two weeks of this before my surgery on March 5th and then one week afterwards. I'm feeling a bit weak today as I had a ton of blood taken from me for pre-op testing. First shake - vanilla Slim Time - I put in a bunch of cinnamon too, liked it lots. Today I also start walking. My dog will be out of her mind happy. I hope to walk safely despite the snow and ice. I'm ready to go on this new change. I also get to eat some vegetables during this time, and also, during this time (two weeks), I'll put the scale in hubby's car. Otherwise I'll check every single day and that's not a good idea for me.

Go walking - thanks so much for the support

luckyknickers57 - oh hon, don't be so hard on you. Take small steps, walk a bit, eat one good meal, and then two and then three. I'm in your corner!

It's now one week sooner. This means I start my pre-op diet tomorrow (Wed Feb 19th). Deep breaths...I want this!

like I'm scared that I'll never be able to eat like this again. What the hell is that about anyway? I want to be free from feeling like I must consume everything in sight, that I must have many many many "last" suppers. And yet what does that say about my desire to do well? Like I'll cram it all down my gullet before I can't anymore, rather than beginning now, claiming now as the best time to start eating right and taking care of myself. I see now that this an emotional journey as well as a physical one.

Leepers - thanks for your honesty. Everyone does what feels right to them. Maybe I'll share at some point, but I doubt it.

Toniakaye - yes, at least there is this place and I have a friend who had long ago admitted to me that she had a gastic bypass. I wish you the very best too

So I've decided after 'testing' my news about a lap band, that I won't be sharing the information with everyone. I'm lucky in that I have great girlfriends who are usually open minded about most things. Apparently though that stops at weight loss surgery. I mentioned that I was considering lap bad surgery and what an uproar that caused. No, no, just eat right and exercise (like I haven't tried that a bazillion times. Oh why would you do any such surgery like that - have another cookie. Do you know what the failure rate is? BLAH BLAH BLAH I try to be an independent gal. I like to do research, I like to investigate and I really like to decide for myself no matter who says what. And I did a lot of research and I question a lot. I've read posts here on this site and on other sites too. Sometimes people 'failed' for reasons beyond their control. But often it seems that people don't do well because they don't want to work. This will be work! But I welcome that type of work and remain positive that if I comply and follow the rules, the band will work for me. I've decided to not share my upcoming surgery plans for now. I don't want negative energy, I don't want those that love 'hovering' and watching every move, or calling constantly to try to 'help' me. I want to remain in the sunny side focusing on my health and what is right for me in my circumstances. In the world we need more support and those that see what isn't right for them may just be the right thing for others.

love reading this - thanks for inspiring me

Be nice to you! You say you're a 'fat chick in a weight loss surgery office' - seems to me you're exactly where you should be. Everyone starts off at ground zero! Thinking of you

Thanks so much for the comments - glad to know someone is reading! Thanks so much. Best of luck to both of you!

My surgery date is March 12th. So grateful to have the date and in many ways I wish it was sooner and yet I'm glad for preparation time. I know people that have had bariatric surgery of one sort or another and I seen their - well - their lack of success. Both have gained back all of their weight. One person is working to restore her health, the other isn't. In this past year I've examined obesity. What keeps people obese? Why is losing weight so hard? Why is keeping it off harder? I'm closer to some of those answers but not totally clear on all of it yet - if I ever will be. A part of my decision making on have a lap-band put in is that I want to better understand the psychological reasons for why I do what I do? And I decided that for me, the connection I must make is with a therapist, a doctor, and as I progress with both of those - surgery. Interestingly enough - the people that I do know that have eaten around their surgery had limited support. Both people had their surgery away from their homes and struggled to find outside support. I know I have to take full advantage of the support I have at home and with my team. Do you think support groups and some sort of team support has helped you?

Hello there, I'm your Lardy Duchess and I'm wanting to write about my weight loss journey. I was a skinny child, really skinny, and was sometimes called "boney". I haven't been called that in many years and really, I'm not aiming for that ever again. In my late teens I began to gain weight. Somewhere in the 1980's I lost all that excess weight, and promptly put it all back on. I think at the time I just thought that simply because I lost it once, I was good for a lifetime. Since then I've been on every diet known to mankind. I don't want to name them all here, but I can't think of one well known or notoriously horrid 'diet' I haven't been on. I've tried deprivation, excessive exercise and now, now that I'm in my mid 50's, I'm announcing right here, right now, I'm done with all of that. It's destructive and harsh and horrible. For those that say - well now come on Duchess - you can do it. Just control yourself and exercise, I say yep, that is great, everyone should do that. I can do that - until I can't do that. Until I can't stop myself. This is like an addiction - on the wagon - off the wagon. Dieting/not dieting. It never ever ends. I come from a family with addiction and abuse issues. That's not an excuse - it's merely a reality. And I feel addicted to food. Unhealthy food in unlimited portions, in scary sizes. It dominates me, dominates my thoughts, controls me. If you've ever been there, you get it. If you've never been there, I suspect you won't understand. Then again this blog isn't for you either probably. Many things have contributed to this weight loss blog and I'll be writing about some of those issues, but I also value my privacy and may elect to not be public about everything. It feels like if I write it all down, and tell those that can relate on some level, that somehow, someway I'll mend myself - a selfish endeavor maybe, but it's my truth.