CrazyJaney

I'm pre-op (hoping for Feb or March). Each day I'm on this site I realize I was NEVER really alone in what it was like to be me. I'm 45 and so tired of living this life. I'm scared to do this. I'm even more scared not too. And what I realize now, after visiting this site daily for the last couple weeks, is that I'm still going to struggle, still occasionally going to fail, and still wrestle with the demons that helped me to my CW of 325#. I don't have the words to say how helpful this thread has been. Im responsible for my outcomes. But I definitely got this way for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to live this way any longer but I think the pain of tackling the "why's" has been my biggest deterrent, until now. I'm so glad to be here amongst you. Someone mentioned Pandora's Box. That's exactly how I feel. And it's not gonna be pretty at first. But it's a box that needs to open if I'm ever going to be the me I want to be. And I'm immediately going to speak French: "I have anger", "I have hunger". Brilliant! Thank you all so much. Especially RJ. You are a living, breathing, beautiful miracle.

I'm pre-op (hoping for Feb or March). Each day I'm on this site I realize I was NEVER really alone in what it was like to be me. I'm 45 and so tired of living this life. I'm scared to do this. I'm even more scared not too. And what I realize now, after visiting this site daily for the last couple weeks, is that I'm still going to struggle, still occasionally going to fail, and still wrestle with the demons that helped me to my CW of 325#. I don't have the words to say how helpful this thread has been. Im responsible for my outcomes. But I definitely got this way for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to live this way any longer but I think the pain of tackling the "why's" has been my biggest deterrent, until now. I'm so glad to be here amongst you. Someone mentioned Pandora's Box. That's exactly how I feel. And it's not gonna be pretty at first. But it's a box that needs to open if I'm ever going to be the me I want to be. And I'm immediately going to speak French: "I have anger", "I have hunger". Brilliant! Thank you all so much. Especially RJ. You are a living, breathing, beautiful miracle.

I'm pre-op (hoping for Feb or March). Each day I'm on this site I realize I was NEVER really alone in what it was like to be me. I'm 45 and so tired of living this life. I'm scared to do this. I'm even more scared not too. And what I realize now, after visiting this site daily for the last couple weeks, is that I'm still going to struggle, still occasionally going to fail, and still wrestle with the demons that helped me to my CW of 325#. I don't have the words to say how helpful this thread has been. Im responsible for my outcomes. But I definitely got this way for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to live this way any longer but I think the pain of tackling the "why's" has been my biggest deterrent, until now. I'm so glad to be here amongst you. Someone mentioned Pandora's Box. That's exactly how I feel. And it's not gonna be pretty at first. But it's a box that needs to open if I'm ever going to be the me I want to be. And I'm immediately going to speak French: "I have anger", "I have hunger". Brilliant! Thank you all so much. Especially RJ. You are a living, breathing, beautiful miracle.

I'm pre-op (hoping for Feb or March). Each day I'm on this site I realize I was NEVER really alone in what it was like to be me. I'm 45 and so tired of living this life. I'm scared to do this. I'm even more scared not too. And what I realize now, after visiting this site daily for the last couple weeks, is that I'm still going to struggle, still occasionally going to fail, and still wrestle with the demons that helped me to my CW of 325#. I don't have the words to say how helpful this thread has been. Im responsible for my outcomes. But I definitely got this way for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to live this way any longer but I think the pain of tackling the "why's" has been my biggest deterrent, until now. I'm so glad to be here amongst you. Someone mentioned Pandora's Box. That's exactly how I feel. And it's not gonna be pretty at first. But it's a box that needs to open if I'm ever going to be the me I want to be. And I'm immediately going to speak French: "I have anger", "I have hunger". Brilliant! Thank you all so much. Especially RJ. You are a living, breathing, beautiful miracle.

Wow I just got back from visiting my grand daughter and had a lovely day with her and my daughter....I wanted to mention a couple of things as I read through the latest posts..
I had no idea what it would take to be a good mother..I did not have any model to follow and learn from..So when I did have my children I flew by the seat of my pants.... I figured that if I did not raise them like my mother raised us. And I gave them lots of love then it would all work out...
Not so...My son thinks of food every waking moment and only remembers everything we have done in life by what we ate that day..He is by no means over weight but he tells my daughter that what he misses the most about home is " the food".
My daughter on the other hand has issues with food...She is an excellent cook and tries to eat clean every day..Some times she loses her will and falls back to who cares and eats junk..Then beats herself up about it....
The reason I am mentioning this point is that today my grand daughter bit her finger and started to cry...She asked her mom for a cookie and said that that would make her feel better..I stared in horror as she said those words...My daughter went on to tell her that food is not what makes us happy or feel better it is a kiss and a hug and love that makes pain go away...My grand daughter said oh yes I forgot and hugged her mom.....
I changed so much when I raised my kids but never even thought of how I used food on them or if I was guilty of feeding their hurts away....
Coming from a starvation background..To me food was the answer to all ills because none of us were ever full...I am so proud of my daughter for doing a better job then I did with her...I cringe at the thought that I am responsible for her relationship with food...What have I done....
The second thing is that my daughter finally told her friends that I weighed under 200 lbs. She said it with such pride and I watched as her eyes filled up with tears and they trickled down her cheeks..Mom she said..I am so proud of you, you deserve to finally get the shit in your life together..Her words not mine!! She said that all her friends are so proud of me and that she is over powered by emotions when she thinks of what I have been through and what I am doing...She said it is like a miracle..
I asked her about herself if there were any miracles waiting for her and she said she has always learned by example and she said that I am her example..it was more then I could handle and she hugged me hard....
I know I was not a perfect mom and there were times I just wanted to run away because I had no idea if I was scarring them or helping them..but to hear her talk...I felt pride welling up inside of me.....How can I fail now people...everyone is watching me..Everyone is looking for me to continue to be an example of pulling my **** together...I cannot afford to screw it all up....
Such pressure, such praise, such fear of failing again......I want a chocolate bar instead of dealing with the latest....It won't help though..it never did...So for me when the pain and anxiety of dealing with all of this gets to much I start cleaning and re-cleaning my house. Not easy, but I get clean closets out of it I guess......gasping!!!!!!!!!!

This thread should be required reading for all struggling with weight issues. You all amaze, inspire and astonish me. Every day I come to this site for answers and so many take the time to respond, always with heartfelt answers and encouragement. Often with tough love that only an experienced sleever can provide...
To read of the "demons" that haunt us all and just knowing one is not alone is one more reason that you are all so awesome. Taking the time to share so others will know their struggles are not unique is truly a remarkable gift.
Thank you all!

One of my former therapists loved this exercise and she pointed out something interesting that goes along with it. In English, we say "I am hungry" or "I am angry." In other languages like French and German the construct is, "I have hunger" or "I have anger." Her theory is that when we personify the emotion we feel it more deeply; it IS us. So her additional instruction to me for sitting with feelings was to reframe the way I spoke to myself about it, so as to hold it at arms' length. She would ask me to visualize holding the feeling in both hands (I have hunger, right there, in my hands), assign it a color, a shape, whatever…and then let it go. It's a trick but it is distracting. I was mostly dealing with anger and hurt and it allowed me to take one step away from it and observe it, rather than rage.

A woman I know once made this comment " Life is brief moments of happiness a midst chaos and pain."
No one has it all all the time...Life is not one big party...It's the living and the laundry and the sickness and the bills and the job and the car repairs..You get it..
But in there we have to find some happy moments. We need to be happy it is a requirement of living...
WLS will never fill that need..It is what you become and bring to the table that brings the moments of happiness....You get out of it what you put into it....WLS helps to get you where you can be healthy and lead a more active life, but it can't keep you there or build a better life...that is where we come in...
That is the secret!

You're all wonderful. Truly.
Your honesty, vulnerability, resilience, pragmatism and optimism leaves me speechless.
What a comfort to know we are all the same. Who'da thunk it, hey?
Big love to you all x

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this thread.
I'm Pre-op and absolutely terrified sometimes. Like I'm fixin' to open one hell of a Pandora's box and I need to be ready for it.
I have the same Mommy/Daddy issues I think most people have at this point. From co-dependency and disordered eating and self-harm. I've been there. I've done it. I've worked very hard and still work very hard to come back from it.
I'm not interested in getting skinny. And if my doc had never put me on blood pressure meds and threatened cholesterol meds and if my beloved niece hadn't looked at me with her big doe eyes and asked if I was ok when I was wheezing and out of breath, I would never have made this choice.
I am an adorable fat girl. I am unfortunately not a very healthy fat girl.
And food has been my best lover/friend/companion for a LONG TIME. And part of it feels like getting a divorce from it. Or at least a separation. And on a certain level, it HURTS. I know this coping mechanism isn't doing me any favors and the time's come to let it go, but man.
My therapist and I have been working on the mantra "Food is fuel and nothing more" to get me in a good head space.
But thank you for making me feel less alone.

I have really been going back and forth as whether to post here or not. I guess I am sort of a "forum person" in my hobbies and areas of interest, but I have to be honest, I have avoided posting on this site or even looking at it for a couple of reasons. I found this site only a few days before my surgery but when I found it I found more negativity and frightened people then I found inspiration. Actually, I have gone here and gotten the (bleep) scared out of me by a few posters, every time I see their posts I get knots in my stomach. The main poster that does that to me has a screen name that starts with the letter "i". Everybody is terrified of leaks and all the negatives of this surgery and I just haven't been able to relate to many of the topics. Below I will share some of the basics of my journey so far.
First off, I am a 35 year old male who is 6 feet 3 inches tall. I wasn't fat my whole life, I actually weighed 218 when I was 19 years old. That was pretty close to a "perfect" weight for me. I got into a business where the guys I worked with partied, ate, and drank to excess. Over the years I ballooned to 445 lbs which is where I have been for the past 2-3 years. In 2010 I was considering the lap band but chickened out. I was back on in 2011 but chickened out again. In 2012 I HAD to make a decision because I was put on Metformin for borderline diabetes and Lisinopril for borderline blood pressure as well. That was it. I started again with the nutritionist appointments and made an appt. to see my surgeon who is located downtown Chicago a few miles from my house. My first appt. with him was in early October 2012 and he suggested a VSG instead of the lap band because of the large amount of weight I wanted to lose. I left thinking about it and did the rest of my pre op requirements such as upper GI, psyche, EKG, etc. I saw my surgeon again on November 14th, 2012 and we decided on the VSG (which I really didn't know a lot about). We set surgery for December 21st, 2012.
Because I am a big fella, my surgeon put me on a 28 day pre op liquid only diet (to shrink my liver and loosen my skin) which I started on November 23rd, 2012 (the day after Thanksgiving). The first few days were tough but I have very strong will power and stuck to it, following the requirements to the letter. I didn't cheat even once. Again, not even once. After about 12 days it was smooth sailing and I just plugged away and kept up the exercise plan that I had been doing for over a year which was just walking 1.5 miles, three times per week at my local YMCA. I didn't weigh myself even once the entire plan and weighed myself the morning of surgery. To my astonishment I lost a staggering 49 lbs!!!!I I couldn't even believe it, to be honest with you I began to sob like a little girl! I went from 445 to 396. I was just so shocked. My surgeon told me that I broke his practice record which was previously 45 lbs for a pre op diet. Again, I LOST 49 LBS IN 28 DAYS!!!
On the morning of December 21st, 2012 I was ready for surgery at a major hospital downtown Chicago. I arrived, valet parked, checked in, and was laying on the table prepped for surgery within 1 hour just waiting for the anesthesiologist. I was in surgery about an hour and a half later and the surgery took 2 1/2 hours. I am going to cut the details of my hospital stay down so readers aren't sitting here all day reading. Any questions just ask me. I wanted to leave the hospital the next evening but my surgeon said that he wouldn't allow me to break two records and that I should stay another night. Quick recap, I was checked into my room after surgery at 6pm Friday night and was discharged from the hospital at 11am Sunday morning, less then 48 hours after entering my room.
Upon arriving home I checked my weight, expecting to have lost a few lbs, and actually gained back 2 lbs due to all the fluids that were pumped into me. I was back up to 398. My recovery went ok I think, I was in a lot of pain along my largest incision which is about 3+ inches wide. I was on Tramadol which sucks. It took me 9 days to finish the 25 pills that I was prescribed since I was skipping doses. I was home on Sunday morning and by Wednesday morning I was off to the YMCA where I walked only one lap around the track. I limped around and talked to my friends there before going home. I was back at the YMCA on Friday and actually walked 5 laps (a half mile). I finally weighed myself on Friday, one week after surgery, and I was down from 398 to 391. I weighed myself again on Sunday afternoon and I lost another 4 lbs from Friday to Sunday, 9 lbs in 9 days, ending up at 387 lbs, 58 lbs down in 38 days.
So that's basically that. It's been over 10 days now since surgery and I am feeling like a million bucks. Here are the "scary" parts. I am using the term scary because after reading this site I would have thought I was going to die from this surgery. I HAVE NOT been nauseous even for one second since surgery. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOT thrown up, or even gagged for that matter, not even once. I AM ABLE to drink 60ozs of Fluid per day. I just started puree on Saturday, 8 days out, and it's been perfect. I had 4 ozs of low fat cottage cheese (which I LOVE) today as well as only one Protein Shake, a bowl of Tomato Soup, and plenty of Water. I AM NOT hungry, EVER. I just eat to live, that's it. Today I feel the best that I have felt since surgery. Every day gets better. My goal is to lose 220 lbs, 100 in three months from the start of my pre op diet on November 23rd. I WILL do it.
I know I left out a bunch so fire away (or ask any questions that you want).

I feel pretty good now at day 5 post op. Still having cramps when I drink no matter how small of sips, but it doesn't stop me from getting my 60g of Protein and nearly enough fluids. Got out of the house for the first time today-went to church. Was tired but doing well. Went to lunch out and I drank a little Water and a small amount of cream of something Soup that I shared with my daughter.
I have been out if work 4 days and will probably go back on the 9th of dec. I work for a disaster relief organization and I was just starting my preop diet when the typhoon hit the Philippines. I have a follow up appt on Wednesday and if I am cleared for work, I will be supervising the loading of a 747 cargo plane in Charlotte. Just supervising though!

I'm still in shock! I bought 3 different pairs of pants yesterday in a size 10. All different brands, so it wasn't just a fluke. The first picture is a month before surgery and 2 weeks before my pre-op diet. The second picture is me in my new size 10 jeans.
I'm down 102 lbs in 10 1/2 months!

I am on the "mushy" diet. I am down 21lbs. I Haven't loss a pound this week and I am ok with that. I am slowly telling family members about my surgery and some are supportive and some are not. I am ok with that too. I can't wait to start back at the gym, and swim in a pool. I am so excited for my new life. I am proud to have patience with this, but by summer my goal is to be a lot smaller, and able to ride on rides with my girls!

I have really appreciated this thread, probably more than any other. THIS is the stuff that I worry about. Not drinking liquids for weeks or extra skin but how to navigate through the negative people out there. I work in a hospital. I'm a manager. I probably have a decent to good relationship with the majority but as a boss, I'm a natural target. And nurses LOVE to judge and comment. I've told only 3 people outside of my family that I'm doing this (I'm pre-sleeve) but I'm not naive that some will figure it out. When I've lost weight before, I felt sabotaged by others comments, the good and the bad. I'm not a shallow person and I just can't wrap my head around people who only see peoples physical features. I told my doc and np that I was worried about how to respond. They suggested having come backs planned. I appreciate all the clever ideas here. The good thing (one of the many) is that this time I'm doing it for good, and old enough to not care what people say (at least not like I did at 25). I tell people being in your 40's is liberating. I need no ones approval. It feels good when you share in my success but unsolicited comments won't be received well.
Best compliment when telling my close friend I was gonna do it: "I'm so happy for you, you're so bubbly and full of life but you will be even more so and feel so much better". She's a keeper!

I really believe that fat-shaming is kind of the last frontier of things we're allowed to make fun of in public with little impunity.

I think we are so fortunate to have first hand experience on both sides. I remember a news special I watched years ago with , Tyra Banks, I think. .. first she dressed up in a fat suit to guage people's reations then she had some elaborate make up job to make her look old. She was "stunned" at how invisible she became! Coming from a super model that didn't have much affect on me. Towards the end of that special, the was an interview with a little old man, a war verteran. He was saying how in is hay day everyone payed attention to him and now people not only don't see him but are downright mean. He started to cry. That interview stuck with me for many years. I honestly don't know if I was guilty of that behavior before, but since, I've made a conscious effort to acknowledge people....all people. I know I'm a better person for watching that special. You just never know where inspiration will come from

Hello Brandi. I too am hoping to have my surgery in January. I just went to 1st psych eval and I have to see the nutritionist 3 times 1 more time at psych and then back to surgeon to schedule surgery. How is your process going?