want_so_bad

ugh! i hate money. more like i hate the lack of money at present. money money money!

i know the pull to munch on something is just because i am upset and stressed. so i am here instead, keeping my fingers busy.

i have lost a few pounds the last week or so. that feels good. i have worked out a few times, need to get better about it, but at least it was something.

i am really starting to worry about this cruise we are going on in october. will i be at goal in time to have my tummy tuck before? if not am i gonna be at an ok place emotionally? i dont wanna be freakin out all week on the boat! plus, the formal dinners? omg, i have to buy some clothes. the other ladies of the couples we are going with are looking at stuff now...i am getting depressed. i dont wanna look at stuff now! what size will i be then?

ughh, what a day so far! and its not even noon. great.

i am so excited! my band is back! after being MIA (empty) since august, its back!

i got some mashed potatos to try and i only ate just a tad over half the single serving from kfc. and i am full! i dont want anymore. i really probably should not have taken that last bite, but i am not stuck or anything either.

ahh, the burp of passing food. lol, how lame am i? to be excited that i have to burp!

its a good day.

the fill went good. i am now at 1.8cc. this is what i was at when i was losing consistently. slowly, but consistent.

i really dont know if the fill has given me restriction or not. i really dont want to eat anything, mushie or not, just because of my last fill. i dont want to irritate my stomach and/or the band. the thought of being that swollen and tight frightens me. that sucked so bad.

i have a horrible bladder/kidney infection. omg, the nurse even had me come back and look at the stick, every color was lit up and super bright! more color then the dang chart even showed. she says, this is bad. GREAT! just what i need. but i am assuming that is why my back has been killing me. i hope it goes away w/ the infection.

i feel good today. i have this renewed since that i can do this. lol, and i dont even know yet if i have restriction! what a head game this all can be. i am gonna try some mashed potatos, the medication is making me sick to my stomach.

i am going to exercise tonight. ride the stationary bike my mom has while the boys are at boxing. i hope my back starts to feel better. then i will be back on the treadmill and weights at home!

STUPID freakin cranberry juice! 120 calories for 8 oz. and i am drinking the stuff like crazy for the infection. i wonder if wally world has cranberry pills? does it work the same? think i will check into those! all these empty calories are bad!

today is the day! that fill i so ever desperately need is coming this afternoon. i am scared/excited/nervous.

i am ready for this. ready for restriction again and to lose this damn weight. right? why am so worried about it?

my head is just going in a bunch of different directions. its like, omg, i wont be able to eat bla bla this or bla bla that. and i KNOW that is a good thing, but its also upsetting me right now. how freakin stupid is that? i know its stupid, and yet, i feel that way.

but i know i wont miss the pounds i am going to lose. i know i wont miss the massive fat rolls that are me right now.

i am so gonna work this so hard now! i can do this. hell, i know i can and i am gonna do it!

i printed off a bunch of pictures of swim suits i like. ones that i want to take with me on the cruise in october. i am hangin them up on my fridge and my cabinets at home. that way any time i am tempted to open them and eat i have a reminder! my hubby thinks i am nuts. so be it. if nuts is what it takes to do this again, nuts it is!

feel like crap today. guilty crap. basically no exercise this weekend. ate crap. and paying for it.

what the hell is wrong with me? why cant i get a grip on myself? please please this fill i have on wed work and get me back to a good place.

i feel so gross today. i swear i can feel the fat roll growing under my chin and around my waste. its terrible and disgusting. its so gross to look at myself, its so gross to feel this right now.

i have not felt this gross and nasty for the longest time.

i have a lot of hard hard work ahead of me. i can not keep doing this. its not worth the hell i put myself through. with this fill in a few days i will have some much super needed restriction. i can get my head back to where it needs to be. i will start exercising right. i know i can do this. hell, i was doing it and i know it works. i just have to get back to that me, not this sluggish, down, icky me. i dont like this me...this FAT me again! i cant believe i let myself get here again. i was so close! so close! so close to goal. and here i am, not so close anymore. god i must be stupid. but no point in doing this self-bashing. i have to keep going. i have to start over and just work it again. i can do this!

i did it! i actually exercised last night. and i feel great this morning! i felt great last night too! despite that my back was killing me. i felt good!

i did 20 minutes with the wii fit. i have to say i am sore from it! its great. the hula is fun. my almost 2 year old was doing it with me, oh she is so CUTE! i did the basic run, where you just run in place. i did some yoga and some of the balance ones (those just for fun). and then after i got the little one to bed, i walked on the treadmill! there i was, just huffin it along, and bam, the treadmill just stops! could not figure out what was wrong. i was so upset. thought it was broke. so i get on my warm clothes to head outside to feed the horses (let me just tell ya what a workout that is!!!) and i notice that the freezers arent running. AAAA-HAAAA! the breaker blew...just reset it and everything starts back up. treadmill included! praise the lord i dont have to try to buy a new one! lol.

anywhoo....back to the horses. so i got the grain ready for the old one, got him in his stall, got the hay to them all. and then, on the way thru the barn decided to help my boys out and clean the crap out of the dog kennel!

and through all of this..... I FELT GOOD! it was amazing to me. despite my back killing me, i mean, it HURT, i felt GOOD.

and this morning...I FEEL GOOD! I FEEL GOOD! and it feels good to feel good! ya know? maybe my new med's are helping now too, i dont know. but i feel good. and i feel, i dont know, somehow, like reinspired or motivated or something. its nice. its nice to feel this way again!

i think i can do this!

not really sure what i am suppose to do with this?? just track my thoughts? tell my story? here goes anyway:

today hasnt been great. i am making poor choices? why? because i am stressed about money. freakin money. money for this, money for that. where can i cut costs? start packing my own lunch again next week will be a great help. cant wait for the fill on wed. kinda feelin guilty about spending the money for it, but i am going to do it anyways.

my back is killin me again. havent been exercising because of this. it hurts no matter what i do so i might as well exercise. A--HA, the light goes on. i am gonna walk on the thread mill tonight! if i am gonna be writhin in pain i might as well have a reason to be! i have to stop making excuses for my patheticness. ha! is that even a word? i think not, but oh well.

a guy in the office has a goal of losing 15 lbs by april. i am making it my secret goal to out due by 2! yes double. 30 lbs by april is my goal. i am tellin noone of this.

wow, i have so much to get out. i think i could just go on and on, but will end here for now. better get back to work.