Shear Diva

A couple of weeks ago I was driving to an appointment and I saw a really large man walking down the street. Because of his size and the near 100 degree temperature, I knew he had to be extremely uncomfortable. As I pulled into my parking place I glanced in my rear view mirror and watched this man trip with a force that propelled him like a rocket to the concrete. I bolted from my car and ran to him...his arm was already bloody.


"Let me help you up". He had salt and pepper hair and perhaps the kindest sky blue eyes I have ever seen.
With a perfect Texas drawl he said "Little lady you're gonna have to pack a little more lead in the rear to help me up!" My heart was breaking for him. I grabbed him by his good arm and we rocked....1, 2, 3, and I pulled with everything I had. No matter how much I wanted to help this man, I couldn't get him off the ground. He explained he was walking to work and I at first got the impression he was trying to get some exercise. I asked him to stay put and I'd get some help and as I ran into the building, there were just a few tiny women and elderly people that could be of no help. By the time I got back out, a man had stopped to help him up. He was hurt....I told him there was a doctor inside, would he please come in? I know he was both surprised and ashamed that I would help him. He chuckled and said he was alright (he wasn't). As he walked out of my sight he said "It's time to go on that diet".
Of course I knew he'd been on hundreds of diets, just like I had. It was the perfect time to have shared my story but yet it wasn't. I wish I had at least gotten his contact information so that maybe my signature on my email would perhaps spark a conversation.
Maybe he didn't have a car and had to go into work anyway for fear of losing his job because of his size. Maybe he couldn't afford to call for an ambulance. So many "maybes". Every day since then I have considered waiting at that parking space to see if I could locate him again. He felt so much embarrassment and I wanted to tell him that I knew there was a perfectly loving man inside trying to get out. I wanted to tell him so many things but most of all that I didn't see him as just a morbidly obese man....that he was just as valid and worthy as anybody and the shell he lived in did not make him "less than".
I fell a few weeks before that and was in extreme pain so I could only imagine what he was dealing with. Tears ran down my face for the rest of the day. Call me silly for wanting to do this but I'm going back to try to find him. I want him to know why I didn't judge him that day.
And why I cried.
p.s. I just added this because I do want everyone to know that I would NEVER give anyone unsolicited advice because I have seen it happen and someone got the response "I've already had WLS". Much like asking a woman if she's pregnant....not until I see the crowning of the baby's head would I ever ask when someone's baby is due. I just wanted to make sure everyone understood that.
*Note- I wrote this in 2011 and reread it the other day. I decided to share it here because the comments left on this blog post were so memorable and heartfelt. If you'd like to read them you can see them here.
I've been back to that same parking spot every month basically at the same time of the day ever since that day. I have unfortunately never found him again. If I ever do, I hope he'll let me take a picture with him so you can see his beautiful blue eyes and the kindest face you could ever imagine.

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Hey all. Just wanted to share what I have been going through. On 2/25th my stomach started hurting and I just thought it was the normal pain I get due to having this small pouch and my new food sensitivities. Well on 2/27th I ended up in the ER and they ran tests and did a scan. They saw that I had a golf ball size cyst on my right ovary that ruptured, causing some blood and Fluid that leaked into my abdomen. They told me that this was why I was in pain. I was sent home and told that the pain would resolve itself in a few days. I explained to them that I didn't have pain in my pelvic area, but that the pain was high up in the middle right under my bra.
Well, long story short, the pain didn't go away so I contacted my bariatric surgeon and he did a scope, but didn't see anything wrong. He then had me come back Friday Mar 21st and do a laporotamy (not sure if I spelled that correctly, but it is a procedure where he looks inside my lower stomach, intestines...) After I awakened from outpatient surgery I was told that I had to stay overnight.
I was surprised because I figured that he would look around, find nothing and I would just be sent home again to deal with the pain and continued liquid diet, but my surgeon did find something. I had a big hernia and my intestines were twisted up and around at the bypass site. He performed surgery and I stayed in the hospital overnight. I am so happy that he found something because since Feb 25th I cried nearly everyday from pain and lack of nutrition and I told my husband that I just can't go on this way. I am recovering now. I am not supposed to do any lifting for 6 weeks.
I wanted to share this with you all, because if you are having a problem don't hesitate to go to the ER, but if you have a gut feeling that there is still a problem don't accept what you are being told and pursue, pursue, pursue, until you are satisfied with your care. I am grateful to my surgeon for listening to me and checking me despite the ER's explanation. But most of all, I am grateful to GOD for watching over me.

So far I've lost 80lbs I want to lose 25 lbs more, feel free to share your pictures

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I'm sorry you are dealing with this from you BFF. It was the exact oppposite for me. My BFF has always been skinny and I was always fat. She never looked at me different and always supported me losing weight. When I decided to have surgery, she was and still is my biggest supporter. She supports my weight loss journey, we work out together, and she even supports my Health & Wellness new business.
If you two have been friends for over 25 years, I think you should talk to her. If she is jealous, its ok; let her speak her mind and give her a chance to explain how she feels. It doesnt really look like you two have had a conversation about it. Now that you are on this weight loss journey, and were able to get the insurance paid through insurance, support her weight loss journey too. This is the time you BOTH have to be supportive of each other. Its a hard road and its so much more fun with a partner.

Hi shear Diva,
I too have lost a really close friend, my best ever friend for over twenty four years. I started to diet, successfully in perpetration for my sleeve, and told her what my plan was. In the past she always said the right thing, but when I think back, she helped break my diet every time. This time I was seeing a dietician, so had her support to carry on when times got hard. I explained what was happening after her probing and got to realise that my friend had started to sabotage my diet yet again. With the support of my dietician and then psych I worked through it and carried on with my dieting and lost my friend. I was devastated, feeling dreadful. My dietician told me that this is more common than anyone could believe. Some people have friends that are bigger, older, shorter, less attractive etc than themselves. When things change, it changes their whole relationship with us. It effects their self esteem and their place in our friendship. This is not our fault, although we still feel it.

Help!! My best friend of 25+ years has basically turned her back on me! I am so confused... My family keeps telling me it's jealously, but I just can't wrap my head around it. First off let me start by saying I didn't tell my BFF I was having gastric until after I had the surgery and was settled in my room. But hold on, I didn't tell anyone but my immediate family. Now my mom knew I was having surgery but was under the impression I was having lapband until 3 weeks before the surgery.... Sounds crazy, but I didn't tell my mom which surgery because she is a worry worm and has always been scared of gastric, I didn't tell my BFF because she always downs and talks very negative about any and everyone she knows that has had the surgery. (Even though she wanted the surgery but couldn't get it because her insurance didn't cover it) My doctor told me to make sure I had people that would support my decision to have surgery and not talk me out of it or talk negative about it. Fast forward 7 months.... All seemed to be ok for a while after she told me she was hurt because I didn't tell her and I apologized... A week or so after I had my surgery she went on a diet and joined the gym. I praised her told her that was great and that even though I had the surgery we could lose weight together! She said ok and seemed to be excited about it, but stopped calling & texting me. So again I initiated a gym schedule so that we could work out together and she agreed. So the 1st thing I noticed when we would go to the gym & do our cardio is her staring at me when I would enter my weight on the treadmill. So, I was thinking ok not really sure what's that's about but what ever. So some weeks go by and I'm noticing when I attempt to share with her anything about guys that are taking interest or how good I feel she cuts me off or jumps the subject... So, I make a note to self not to discuss personal things even though we've shared our personal life with one another for years & years... Next thing you know she's telling me how guys are taking interest in her and that her husband better get it together. So I listened and laughed and made sure not to talk about myself. So I was thinking ok this will work I can be a good listener.. Lol... Then she starts texting but only to report how much she has lost & to ask how much I have lost. (Well she started doing this early on & that would be the only reason she would text). So a few weeks ago she started skipping our gym dates.... A mutual friend told me she made a post on Facebook that she was at the gym. Needless to say it wasn't on our workout day. So the next day I went to the gym (on our regular day) thinking she would be there, but she never showed. So the next day comes and she was still a no show. . Now it's almost a month and she never comes on our 3 scheduled days during the week. No I didn't call or text to see why not because it is clear to me that she's really not my friend!!! ???? So now I get it, but I'm so sad!!!! I'm still ME I'm still the same person! Why is she making this a competition? Why would she ditch me? Ughhh. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Please share your story with me. I need to make sure I'm not the crazy one!

I have one friend who is constantly on a diet. She is about 40 pounds overweight and very self conscious about it. She was very supportive of my decision to have surgery and even started her own diet at the same time. What I have started to notice though is that she gets really irritated when I talk about how many pounds I've lost. She's on MFP so she can see it there but the other day she snapped at me. I mentioned that I thought it was weird that all of my pant were getting longer. And she just said that not everyone knows what that's like because not everyone loses 5 pounds a week. First of all I just had SURGERY and second of all I had 170 pounds to lose, not 40. So there are some pretty big differences in our journeys. I decided that I just couldn't talk about it or be happy about it any more while around her. It makes me sad. But I'm moving out of state in a couple weeks and back to a place where I have more friends, who couldn't be happier for me. Maybe at a distance she will be less jealous.

Wow! Now you all are REAL friends that is awesome! You are so lucky! It takes a real woman to admit when she is jealous. I always say that's a healthy jealous! I'm that type of friend and wish that my friend could be the same type of friend to me. I'm 39 and I never thought I would be looking for real friends this late in life... I'm so happy I poured my heart out on here, I am starting to feel much better! Thank you!

Oooh I love this post!!! Thank you for sharing that with me! This morning I couldn't stop crying now I can't stop smiling!!! I love it here!!! Why can't the world be like everyone on Bariatric Pal? Lol. ????

Help!! My best friend of 25+ years has basically turned her back on me! I am so confused... My family keeps telling me it's jealously, but I just can't wrap my head around it. First off let me start by saying I didn't tell my BFF I was having gastric until after I had the surgery and was settled in my room. But hold on, I didn't tell anyone but my immediate family. Now my mom knew I was having surgery but was under the impression I was having lapband until 3 weeks before the surgery.... Sounds crazy, but I didn't tell my mom which surgery because she is a worry worm and has always been scared of gastric, I didn't tell my BFF because she always downs and talks very negative about any and everyone she knows that has had the surgery. (Even though she wanted the surgery but couldn't get it because her insurance didn't cover it) My doctor told me to make sure I had people that would support my decision to have surgery and not talk me out of it or talk negative about it. Fast forward 7 months.... All seemed to be ok for a while after she told me she was hurt because I didn't tell her and I apologized... A week or so after I had my surgery she went on a diet and joined the gym. I praised her told her that was great and that even though I had the surgery we could lose weight together! She said ok and seemed to be excited about it, but stopped calling & texting me. So again I initiated a gym schedule so that we could work out together and she agreed. So the 1st thing I noticed when we would go to the gym & do our cardio is her staring at me when I would enter my weight on the treadmill. So, I was thinking ok not really sure what's that's about but what ever. So some weeks go by and I'm noticing when I attempt to share with her anything about guys that are taking interest or how good I feel she cuts me off or jumps the subject... So, I make a note to self not to discuss personal things even though we've shared our personal life with one another for years & years... Next thing you know she's telling me how guys are taking interest in her and that her husband better get it together. So I listened and laughed and made sure not to talk about myself. So I was thinking ok this will work I can be a good listener.. Lol... Then she starts texting but only to report how much she has lost & to ask how much I have lost. (Well she started doing this early on & that would be the only reason she would text). So a few weeks ago she started skipping our gym dates.... A mutual friend told me she made a post on Facebook that she was at the gym. Needless to say it wasn't on our workout day. So the next day I went to the gym (on our regular day) thinking she would be there, but she never showed. So the next day comes and she was still a no show. . Now it's almost a month and she never comes on our 3 scheduled days during the week. No I didn't call or text to see why not because it is clear to me that she's really not my friend!!! ???? So now I get it, but I'm so sad!!!! I'm still ME I'm still the same person! Why is she making this a competition? Why would she ditch me? Ughhh. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Please share your story with me. I need to make sure I'm not the crazy one!

Good thread. I had an experience too. I talked to one of my BFF right before surgery. And the very next time I saw or heard from them was 9 months later at a party I had. Lol
Why do I laugh because 12 months into this game/WLS it's just small stuff.
Because when I saw her we had a surprisingly great time. No love lost for real none. What happened is that I got Skinny!
2nd yes our relationship did changed for the better. Well I no longer had to lean to hard on her when I had strength within.

So cheer up, and be encouraged! Relationship May changed because we are changing for the better. You already are successful and have strength from within. I was angry and hurt. But I will never trade that one day where she and I had so much fun for bitterness. I mean it's not your problem be happy, she is struggling.
Congratulations on your surgery, this too shall pass. Focus on you.

I agree with JealthyNewMe... Jealousy doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can propel us to try and do better.... It's when ppl don't know how to act that they run into problems. Hopefully your friend can come around.

I feel sad for you losing your lifelong friend. I have been on both sides of this coin. I have one friend who lost 200+ pounds, by cutting out all carbs. Every single time we ran in to people we knew, she had to go through the story of the weight loss transformation..... All the while my 327 pound self stood there to hear it yet again. I WAS JEALOUS..... Didn't want to be, but I was. But, nonetheless, I was supportive and encouraged her all the way. I mean, she is my friend. That's what friends do....... Now, I've lost a little over 100 pounds and I was worried about my relationship with my two BEST friends who are overweight. One of them has joined the gym with me and has been by my side on a daily basis. She is doing fabulous as well bc of all the exercise. The other friend stated out loud that she is jealous, but she can handle it too. So, I am lucky. The three of us have been like sisters since elementary school ( and we are 53)..... So a very long time. We have supported each other when one of us is down and we gave been the rock for each other when there have been deaths in the families, and we are true friends..... No weight gain or weight loss could break that friendship. It just makes me think that your friend is perhaps weak. She doesn't know how to be supportive and happy for you. She doesn't know how to work through the jealousy. Sorry for your loss of your friend.

That sucks!
Because we've had such a disgusting winter, I haven't seen most of my friends since losing a considerable amount of weight. After reading your story (and other's) I'm kinda prepared mentally for some friends to act up... Or at least that's what I tell myself.

It's very painful to lose those we think of as good friends but it happens all the time..and not just because of this weight loss issue that she has...not you mind you. I've had similar situations with people leaving my life who I thought were there for the long haul. It is what it is unfortunately. People will come into your life and people will leave it as well.
I learned that the hard way....tried to keep some friendships going long after the expiration date. But I also made new friends along the way and that helps an awful lot.
Good luck to you...and not to worry...you will get past this and do great.

This is all so true!! I'm going to start looking for support groups around my area. Hopefully, I'll meet some great! Thank you for your support, and kind words I needed that! I'm actually smiling now and now crying. It feels good to be understood!

So sad this happens. If people would do a little research to back up their negative comments on WLS, maybe they could understand better, why we had to make this our last resort. I'am sure many of us on here, are not proud to have had or having this surgery. But, when all other weight-loss options fail, what else are we suppose to do??? Die, at a younger age, than need be? I will be having the Sleeve done on March 6th. 2014. I'am very scared with all sorts of emotions. Easy way out? I don't think so. I want to live a Healthy Life. This is all about me....not what people are going to think.

I say part of losing weight brings with it all the changes and yes even social changes. It's a shame our society is so shallow but it is. Some will have friends who they feel are below them to make themselves feel superior. Others surround themselves with the opposite to try and bring themselves up. Your friend has some insecurity issues that has more to do with her. Focus on creating new friendships that are healthy. Although I haven't lost weight with the RNY over the years as I have evolved and changed to respect myself more I'm realizing some of my friends that I grew up with are really selfish people. I can hardly believe I didn't realize it more back then. It still hurts to grow away from old friends. I'll be interested to hear some of the feedback from other experiences as well. By the way you sound like a great friend anyone would be lucky to have.

You are NOT crazy! I haven't had this experience, but at our support group I've heard many, many people say that their relationships with their best friends, family members, co-workers went south. You have to realize that it's not about you. Maybe they're jealous, insecure about themselves or maybe they think we took the easy way out (easy way my a$$)!! The only thing you can do is talk to her and try to work it out if the relationship is important to you. At least then you'll know you did all you could to save the friendship. Good luck to you. Keep us posted. Be proud of yourself for making this change to better your life and health!

My husband will not have the surgery. It's not for everybody and I understand that and respect his decision so he should also respect mine. I think that he does it just scares him that I am losing so quickly and changing fast. I think that he is afraid it will change who I am and in a way it will and already has, I just hope he will see that it is a good change in the long run.
We had a conversation about our little argument the other night and he apologized and admitted that he is a little jealous of my accomplishment. He said it's frustrating that he is still overweight and it won't come off as quickly for him. I told him there is no hurry as long as he is getting healthier. He agreed to counseling as well which I think will do both of us good.
I decided to keep my accomplishments to myself amongst my friends and family unless they ask. The last thing I want is for them to look at me as though I am bragging (although I do have bragging rights). I am trying to have a better understanding of their feelings.
So things are looking up for the moment.
One last thing. I went to the local department store today to pick up a dress I had ordered. As I was walking through the store I saw this lady walking towards me. She kept coming directly at me and I even wondered, is she going to walk right into me. I looked down and continued walking and glanced up again. I realized the lady was ME! I was looking at my own reflection in a mirror in the distance. I didn't recognize my own reflection! It made me laugh. I really have changed.
Thanks again for all the support and advice!

Help!! My best friend of 25+ years has basically turned her back on me! I am so confused... My family keeps telling me it's jealously, but I just can't wrap my head around it. First off let me start by saying I didn't tell my BFF I was having gastric until after I had the surgery and was settled in my room. But hold on, I didn't tell anyone but my immediate family. Now my mom knew I was having surgery but was under the impression I was having lapband until 3 weeks before the surgery.... Sounds crazy, but I didn't tell my mom which surgery because she is a worry worm and has always been scared of gastric, I didn't tell my BFF because she always downs and talks very negative about any and everyone she knows that has had the surgery. (Even though she wanted the surgery but couldn't get it because her insurance didn't cover it) My doctor told me to make sure I had people that would support my decision to have surgery and not talk me out of it or talk negative about it. Fast forward 7 months.... All seemed to be ok for a while after she told me she was hurt because I didn't tell her and I apologized... A week or so after I had my surgery she went on a diet and joined the gym. I praised her told her that was great and that even though I had the surgery we could lose weight together! She said ok and seemed to be excited about it, but stopped calling & texting me. So again I initiated a gym schedule so that we could work out together and she agreed. So the 1st thing I noticed when we would go to the gym & do our cardio is her staring at me when I would enter my weight on the treadmill. So, I was thinking ok not really sure what's that's about but what ever. So some weeks go by and I'm noticing when I attempt to share with her anything about guys that are taking interest or how good I feel she cuts me off or jumps the subject... So, I make a note to self not to discuss personal things even though we've shared our personal life with one another for years & years... Next thing you know she's telling me how guys are taking interest in her and that her husband better get it together. So I listened and laughed and made sure not to talk about myself. So I was thinking ok this will work I can be a good listener.. Lol... Then she starts texting but only to report how much she has lost & to ask how much I have lost. (Well she started doing this early on & that would be the only reason she would text). So a few weeks ago she started skipping our gym dates.... A mutual friend told me she made a post on Facebook that she was at the gym. Needless to say it wasn't on our workout day. So the next day I went to the gym (on our regular day) thinking she would be there, but she never showed. So the next day comes and she was still a no show. . Now it's almost a month and she never comes on our 3 scheduled days during the week. No I didn't call or text to see why not because it is clear to me that she's really not my friend!!! ???? So now I get it, but I'm so sad!!!! I'm still ME I'm still the same person! Why is she making this a competition? Why would she ditch me? Ughhh. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Please share your story with me. I need to make sure I'm not the crazy one!

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I'm at a loss bc i have nothing but the opposite... Support, encouragement, and thrills. I will tell you how I celebrated my 100 pound milestone this week. I handed/mailed all four of my kids an envelope with a crisp new $100 bill.... No note, no explanation ( my kids were never used to us doling out money... We never did). So at first they were dumbfounded and completely puzzled. It didn't take long before one of them figured it out... You should have seen the text messages going off between them! Now they can't wait till I hit my next milestone! As far as the lack of support from your husband, I'm guessing you may need support from group counseling or a counselor to help you figure out how to handle this as you continue to lose. Things are changing. Some people resist change. They just can't or don't want to handle it. Best of luck as YOU continue to become healthier.

I hate to see this so often and I haven't even had the surgery yet but when I speak of it with a smile, I'm surprised how quickly others can wipe it right off my face!! Don't let them determine ur pride...stay happy, you've done a great thing!

Cross my legs, love my collar bone, smaller fingers and smaller toes, no more red marks around my belly when I wear pants that fit snug, (wearing size 11 pants now) no sweating when I walk, I can keep up with my kids, my kids can finally wrap their arms around me to hug me, I fit my teenagers clothes) I fit in a one seat on a bus or train without spilling myself into the next seat. So many other things, let's just say I am so happy that I chose to take my life back....who knew I was under all of that:)