When I look at this picture, a song comes to mind. (I was almost at my largest, think i was 10-15 larger than this at one point). The song is called reflections
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
This has always been one of my favorite songs..and I guess in so many ways it was MY song for so many years. When I was larger, I didn't feel like that was the true me. Everytime I looked in the mirror its as if the reflection was a stranger. Who is she? And what made it worse is I also hid the fact I gay. I didn't hide that too long, I did come out within a couple of years of realizing who I truly am. Maybe that's what started my journey to self discovery. Would I have had the surgery had I not come out? I spent so many years wondering who the hell I am (well was rather). The day I came out to myself was a wonderful moment. Admitting to myself WHO I AM. Coming out to my family was the second most wonderful moment. Dad took it ok. Mom went through a range of emotions. I wasn't looking for acceptance, however, the freedom of being who i am was beyond words. Now 10 years later, my life has been the best it's ever been. The only and final struggle was the girl in the mirror..
It's been 2 years since my 1st surgery...and I look in the mirror each morning, Smile wide..and giggle "There she is..." There's the person I was supposed to be all this time.. I am so grateful to God for giving me the strength to proceed with my life change. And to my family and friends for being 100% supportive (well minus 1 person, but it is what it is). Each and every day they keep me in check. At first I had issues with some of them sneaking a peek at what I was eating. now however, it's a welcome glance! My favorite person is my co-worker and wonderful friend Granny Cathy. She has been so supportive and such a wonderful friend. I was being bad a few weeks ago and grabbed a kit-kat (sorry those are and always will be my weakness). After I nibbled one piece of it, she looked over, saw it...and took it from me! I almost died laughing. i knew i shouldn't eat it. and she knew i would do it anyway. i love her for that.
i know some individuals struggle with this surgery before, during and after...i can't express to them enough how wonderful this life change truly is. I wish I had done this in my 30's, but i'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. just thankful i did it when i did. no regrets....
Everything has been moving so fast that I thought I should take a moment out of my day to document how it is I got to where I am today.
Let's go waaayyyyyy back.....
I was 17 years old and started developing depression. I ballooned up to 206 lbs from 145 lbs. (I am 5:7") I was mortified to see the scale go over 200 lbs. I immediately started counting calories and riding my bike. in a matter of 8 months I dropped down to 156 lbs. I was delighted. (what I wouldn't give to weigh 206 today)
For the next 10 or 11 years I hungout between 152 and 158. Partly because I was a "professional" dancer and the amount of exercise I got everyday was awesome. July of 1993 I found out I was pregnant. I had mixed emotions, but overal was happy. The day I found out I was pregnant I weighed myself. I was 158 lbs and in really good shape. I figured I had this pregnancy thing under control. Ha ha ha. I was contantly sick and tired. The only bad thing is I never threw up. So I ate and slept my way through my pregnancy and gained a whopping 100 lbs. This is where the struggle begins.
For the last 19 years I have been all over the place on the scale. Anywhere from 172 to 301. About eight years ago I dieted and lost 90 pounds. I looked great. Did all the plastics and everything. But slowly over the years the weight has been piling on. My bipolar medication has not helped the situation out either.
November 14, 2012 I was diagnosed with Celiac's Disease..... I immediately had to go gluten-free. You know what has gluten in it? EVERY FN Thing!!!! I though god has answered my prayers and has now made it impossible to eat crap food without getting extremely sick. Everyone said I would definitely be losing weight. Well I proved them wrong. In a matter of 8 months I lost 14 pounds. whoopie!
So there is the history.... Fast Forward to now.....
My beautiful younger sister came to see me in June of this year. She is 4 years younger than I am, 5'6" and 140. She looks amazing. She was here to have some plastic surgery with my plastic surgeon. This brought me back to thinking what could I have done? Well...... nothing. I need a whole body makeover. Light Bulb! I am sooooo looking into bariatric surgery. My sister was in full support and support excited for me. So at my sisters next appt with the plastic surgeon, I asked for a referral for a bariatric surgeon. The plastic surgeon is so nice, he texted Dr. Zare right then to let him know I was coming and take good care of me.
I made my appt. with Dr. Zare for August 1st. He was great and very thorough. It took me two weeks to think about things, but on August 15th, I paid the $500 program fee and things really started to move then. the next few days I went to see the psychologist and the NUT; both of whom wrote me glowing recommendation. Two weeks later my case was submitted to insurance. Then the clock stopped moving for two weeks while I waited to hear from the insurance company. Finally the news came. I was approved. Called the office to schedule my surgery October 22, 2013 and it is on like donkey kong! My pre-op appt is Oct 4 with the surgeon. I am so ready for this. I can hardly stand it.
To Tell Or NOT To Tell
I started off not going to tell ANYONE! This was my own little personal journey. Then as I became more comfortable, I told my family, then I told my manager at work to get the time off, and then I told a couple of friends. AND THEN I told my immediate co-workers on my team. I am no longer ashamed of my decision, but I am also not going to scream it from the mountain top either. I will be honest when asked and tell people on a need to know basis. So far I have not had one person react negatively to my decision. I have had nothing but an outpouring of support.
Well these are all my personal thoughts for now. If you got this far reading this... Thanks. I really did this for myself, but just in case anyone else finds interest in it, I posted it for the whole VST to see.
