reenalee

I don't understand what my problem is, when I was buying my protein shakes I went to the store and bought a few kinds to try, I taste tested each then chose the one I liked the best. I had my surgery on Monday July 8th... and I can NOT stand the shakes!!!! The smell of them makes me wish to hurl! Why? what happened? how do I fix it? anyone else have this issue? This morning I mixed the powder in decafe coffee and that seems to be not so bad but takes a very long time for me to drink (over an hour) any suggestions?

I love all these stories!! makes me feel "normal" lol! I am only 4 days post op right now, I do not like milk which is half my battle although I can tolerate flavored milk SOMETIMES. so I spoke with my doctors office today and asked them what I should do?! she said trial and error, keep trying new kinds and also said it was ok for me to get one of my shakes via coffee! that excites me a lot as this is the only way I have gotten them down. now I just need to figure out some ways to do the other 2 each day lol. next wed I move to the mushy stage or stage 2, I look forward to this because I was planning on putting the shake in sugar free pudding!!! yummmmmmmm!

what different ways? give me some examples, I could use some help in this area!!

So in Nov of 2012 was my first visit with my surgeon. from there they gave me a list of 1 million things to do and set me up for a nutrition class in feb 2013. So I was off and running, I have insurance that's a bit of a pain sometimes so every week I was on the phone with SOMEONE trying to get things all worked out. I had to hound my PCP for about 3 months to get the letter from him. Well, no I asked in Dec for the letter, he wrote a script... not gonna work so I explain what it needs to say. His office sends me a notice that he is leaving the practice and I need to get set up with a new doctor! So Im freaking out and calling his office 800 times a day to find out if he wrote a letter or not. finally in the end of Jan 2013 I got the letter that he did write just before leaving! YaY!!! next was the phsys eval, this was a pain. I called every office within 150 miles of my house! finally I found one who had an opening. The day that I was supposed to go I came down with a stomach bug AND we were getting a snow storm (I live in the snow capitol of the world)! So I had to cancel. get it all worked out and finally had that done by the beginning of March. The nutrition class was done in feb, my blood work was done by feb! I was doing an amazing job. So in april 2013, they gave me a date for july 10th. Now while she was setting up the request for the day she asked "did you do (insert task here)" and I was answering to each. Well a week went by and I got a call from the insurance lady from that office and she informs me that they have NOTHING FROM ME!!!!! I almost cried! What on earth do you mean you have nothing!?! Well it turns out that they lost ALL of my stuff! Oh and by the way you have to have a sleep study done as well. Well. This is bull crap! So my reason for not writing in a while? I have been chasing all of my paper work everywhere. When I quit smoking I put on 30lbs bringing me to 306lbs. I have lost to 300lb but can NOT seem to budge from there which is pissing me off. I am on a partial liquid diet right now. I drink 4 nasty boost shakes and eat one meal of 4 oz of chicken and 1-2cups of fresh veggies. and I have lost ONE POUND! I just want to cry, Id also like to say to them, if I could just drop 30lbs at once, why in the hell am I here?!?!?! UGH UGH UGH.

Im just soo frustrated, the non loss is really getting to me... reading the comment above where she had the surgery and isn't losing scares me big time! I have this giant fear that I will do all this only to lose like 5 pounds! its very hard to stay on the straight and narrow. tonight I made some AMAZING steaks and some sliced garlic and potatoes with herbs and butter wrapped in foil on the grill, along with some garlic and butter green beans... man the smell as I stood there over the grill in 93 degree weather ... and on the far side of the grill was my 4 oz of chicken and non garlic, non buttered green beans... if I don't lose something I swear UGH! lol keeping head up high and eyeballing the smaller clothing as I pass by it in the stores...

Im so sorry, with baseball and the holiday I got so busy! Then had a tooth infection! UGH!!!! things are slowing down and I am feeling better, I should have part 9 up by the end of the week.

Well first let me just say my nails were way over due for some TLC and they look FANTASTIC! Also slowly but surely my scale is moving down! I started at 306, today I was 294! This is weight I’ve been fighting since I quit smoking. I have about 13 pounds more to go to get back to where I was when I was smoking, that is my first goal! I am almost half way to it which makes me feel so awesome. Now back to my story… The following days and weeks after the guns had been reported missing and I got my requests for a stay away through family court I began the paperwork needed to go in and change up our custody agreement. Steve had been given a deal; if he helped the police bring down one of his dealers (which I guess was a big time situation) they were going to give him a great deal on the gun charges. So he was busy at work with the police, it would make me so mad when he would call to talk to me about it. He would say things like “the police said if I do really well at this they will put me to work for future busts” and “I won’t do any jail time for any of this, not as long as I help the cops out”. These things made me so angry because #1 he was right, #2 what did that teach our kids? They hear daddy stole a bunch of money, guns have come up missing, drugs are being bought, sold, traded… and he is being granted a job with the police? With the good guys?! It just made no sense! Besides all of that I guess a valid #3 was that he really deserved to suffer for his wrong doings. For around 2 weeks he went on these adventures with the cops, and then I got a call from his mom. She said that Steve went to do a buy, the police picked up the guy this time they then searched his house for the guns. They asked Steve to come to the station and they reported to him they did find one of the guns that were traded but the second gun was still missing. Because of this they had to charge him and send him to county jail until he can stand before a judge! Don and I were almost ready to buy some party supplies! How amazing, he was eating his words now! Seriously, being an adult… this was good, not only did he get what he deserved but my kids were seeing if you do something wrong you HAVE to pay for it, he was eating his words as all of this was happening. My biggest disappointment at that point was that I didn’t get to see him in handcuffs! He went before the first judge who charged him with grand larceny for stealing an estimated amount of $3500.00 from his mom and step father. Shortly after he went before the second judge who charged him with stealing the guns (I cannot recall the exact charge) and because this was a more serious offense he was sent to the county court for sentencing. It took around 4 months for him to be seen by the county court. That judge sentenced him with a 5 – 6 split. This is 6 months jail time and 5 years’ probation. He had 2 years to pay off his restitution. He got time served but was required to go into a rehab program for 28 days. And last but not the least, if he screwed up his probation in those 5 years, he would be going to prison, state penn. Not a county jail, for 1 to 4 years. So he was out of jail and moved into the rehab. Before I go too much further let me explain that while he was in jail he would write the kids letters. Well, no. He would write my oldest child, Trevor letters. These letters I would get open and read through them. Then I would read the parts that were appropriate to Trevor. These letters would often include information about men who were pedophiles, inmates getting into fights, drug abuse and just things that my 8-9 year old son didn’t need to be that informed of just yet! When he went into the rehab he was able to make a phone call every day. This was both good and bad. My oldest son was IN LOVE with his father, he could do no wrong! So he looked forward to his calls, but he was more often than not, under the influence of some kind of prescription drugs which made him act weird. These phone conversations consisted of things like how the men and women weren’t to interact with each other but he did it anyway and has met a woman who was “hot as hell” she has had her problems but that didn’t matter. He would also tell my son about fights that broke out etc. While Steve was in jail I did move to a new house to protect all of us when he returned. During the conversations from the rehab my son started getting more cautious of his father, becoming almost afraid of him. I wasn’t sure why, nothing in the conversations indicated a good reason to be afraid of him. So I finally had time with just Trevor and he and I went over why he was so afraid. He said that he had nightmares of his dad coming to our house and busting through the door and when I tried to stop him, he shot me and I died! This was a dream he had over and over again apparently ever since his father mentioned him getting out of the rehab center. After Trevor started telling me this, I got him all set up with a counselor. We went to 3 visits and they said he was fine and didn’t need to come anymore! Steve was released to a halfway house sometime in October I believe it was. I had made some changes to the custody order, he has to have supervised visitation, and none of the children could spend the night with him. He was to come on Sat at 10AM and have the kids until 6PM, he could return the next day and do it again, every other weekend. I didn’t have to let the children go with him if he was more than a half hour late. Most of the time they would get here around 11 – noon and get the kids, they would always return by 3:30PM. Because of what he had done to his mom, all of his family had cut ties with him with the exception of one sister and his mother. So whenever he got the kids he had to take them places like the park, McDonald’s etc. So he never kept them for the whole time. He was very good about coming to get them and they were all always excited to see him. He would call them almost every night, he and I had even gotten to talking a bit at this point too. Don and I were about to have the baby, very exciting! It got slightly difficult when I found out NY state law says if you are married and you are pregnant, no matter whom you know the father is, your husband is always considered the father until proven to a court! So I was unable to list Don as the baby’s father without permission from the courts! What a pain in the butt! I hadn’t taken care of my divorce just yet because I was so wrapped up with the pregnancy and work I had no time. My baby was due Nov 23rd, I was to go in for a C-section on Nov 16th. On Nov 11th (my 30th birthday) I started having the worst backache, began to feel contractions. My first child was induced and once I started it was back labor. My twins were a planned C-section! I have NEVER gone into labor so although this was my 4th child and 6th pregnancy – I had NO idea what to expect if/when I went into labor! I also didn’t want to alarm Don. I did have some rough times during this pregnancy; I had what they called a “bleeder” which was a pocket of blood in the uterus, the larger these are the more risk they become. Mine was almost twice the size of the baby at 20 weeks. I went in for a sono so that we could measure it every other week, sometime around week 28 it was just gone! I experienced some spotting around my 3rd month (12-14 weeks) this was very scary for me and for Don because we knew that there was such a great chance that this pregnancy would be terminated. But bigger things were in store for us! That baby held on for all his might! We waited until after 25 weeks before we bought anything for this baby, just to be safe. So as this back pain was getting worse and it seemed like the contractions I was feeling were more intense and they seemed to be hitting me every 2 or 3 minutes I figured now was the time to sneak the phone into the bathroom and secretly call my doctor and see what I should do. I went into the bathroom and called the doctor, she said “sounds to me like that baby is knocking! Come on out we need to get you on fluids and monitor him” so I walk out of the bathroom, CRYING! I laugh now because it was so silly really, I didn’t want to be cut open on my birthday… I am bawling and I tell Don he needs to drive me to the hospital, I won’t be having any birthday brownies. I tried so hard not to, but I cried all the way to the hospital. Lol Once we got there (around 11AM) they hooked me up to some monitors and an IV. I was in fact in labor; the contractions were really hard, coming very fast and very regular. The OR was held up so we had to wait. Then the baby rolled and he pinched his cord which dropped his heartbeat. This activity filled my room with 5 or 6 doctors, so many nurses I couldn’t count. Someone gave Don a set of scrubs and told him to change quickly. They said to me “don’t worry, I’m sure everything is fine, but we want to keep it that way. We need to get that baby out” Off I went to the OR. Getting the spinal took forever, literally they were threatening to have to put me to sleep, which made me cry I wanted to be awake and able to welcome our little man into this world. Finally a 3rd doctor tried for the spinal and he got it! It was almost 45 minutes before they had it in. I was laid out on the table and my doctor entered. Don entered, game was about to start. My doctor was the best at helping us relax, she allowed don to take photos of the baby being born (the last doctor only allowed pictures on the other side of the curtain) so we have photos of the doctor reaching in and pulling him out of my belly! They are amazing photos. He was born finally at 8:02PM, he was 8 pounds 4 ounces and perfect in EVERY way! We named him Owen Timothy! During my stay in the hospital Steve was supposed to pick up the kids, Trevor actually told Steve he didn’t want to go with him he wanted to come out to the hospital to see me and the new baby. I remember this very well because it was the first time in his life he ever picked me over Steve! As happy as I was about this, it also worried me. Made me think there was something going on there. Steve had been pretty decent most of the time after the baby was born, he had been respectful towards me and towards Don. Things were settling to be somewhat normal. In Jan Steve called me to tell me that he was at DSS (department of social services) getting help getting set up with a place to live, he had been kicked out of the halfway house! When I asked why he said “I want to go to a different rehab group and they do not support my decision” I was confused so I asked the first thing that came to mind. “That’s worth losing your only home over?!” He said then that he had tested positive for meth but it was because of his ADHD medication, a medication he had been on for months now. I was confused about it all but one thing I was sure of, he was lying to me! He ended up getting housing through DSS at a motel, they gave him rent money and food money every month. Little by little his attitude changed, he would go on these rants for no good reason. Sometimes calling my house at 12 am or later just to rant about how he felt mistreated by my parents 3 years ago! Sometimes to rant about me leaving him! More and more often he stopped calling to talk to the kids and began calling to fight with me. There were many times my son (Trevor) could actually hear him through the phone calling me names, swearing at me, screaming at me. This had an impact on how Trevor felt about his dad, since while his dad had been away and done all this “stupid stuff” I was all Trevor had and here comes dad treating me badly. Years ago Trevor would see this as alright because it was all he knew. But now that Don was in our life and I had been treated totally different and respect has been drilled in my kid’s heads. Steve’s behavior towards me was no longer acceptable for Trevor. Trevor quickly grew apart from his father. I still had to get the divorce so I began that in Aug of 2011, the first requirements were to name Don as the father of Owen, to have a custody agreement, and to have a support agreement. Well we had a support agreement, he didn’t pay anything and I never bothered to fight with him over it. Unfortunately that was not what the court had in mind. So I filed paperwork for the paternity issue and for child support. First we went in for paternity, the judge asked me when I stopped sleeping with Steve, when I started sleeping with Don, asked Don and Steve if they both agreed, we all said yes and he granted us the ability to put Don’s name on Owen’s birth certificate! The next issue on the list was child support. We went before the same judge as we did for paternity. The judge asked if we had anything set in place so far. Steve explained to the judge that he had just gotten out of jail, had been living in a halfway house for so long, just gotten to where he can get and hold a job. The judge told him he was not impressed with his story, that these were his children and he had better rise to the occasion. We were to return in 6 weeks at which point Steve was to have a job, if he did not have a job the court would order temp support anyway. Six weeks later we go back to court, Steve has no job. The court offered a temp order of $20.00 a week! We had to come back in 4 weeks for a final order. When we returned 4 weeks later Steve still didn’t have a job. The court gave us a support order of $20.00 a week for all 3 kids due each Friday. That gave me exactly what I needed to finish up with the divorce paperwork. I went to my lawyer’s office and filed paperwork for the divorce. Steve paid his $20 each week for about 3 weeks then nothing for the longest time. I called up my divorce lawyer and she told me that I couldn’t violate him on that while filing the divorce, so I had to make up my mind which one was more important at that time. The divorce was obviously much higher on the list than the support! Now this began to bother me a great deal, the state MADE me go after him for a support order, they forced me to agree that it was the right of my children to have him pay support! Then when he didn’t pay it, I was to ignore the whole thing until further notice. So I sat and waited for the judge to approve my divorce. It wasn’t long before I got my paperwork in the mail. I think it was March 12th that I was celebrating my official divorce! Magically on March 6th Steve paid his child support up to date! So I was unable to violate him on that situation. It wasn’t long before we were able to violate him however! In May 2012 I filed the paperwork needed to violate him as he had not paid any support since March 6th2012. We went before the judge, Steve said he was working on getting a job, the judge told him to get that job and he had better have it before we came back in July or else he should “bring his toothbrush because he was going to be going away”! After this court date I would get a lot of drunken calls, Steve yelling at me about what a horrible person I am. He would blame me for him being jobless, for his drug problem, for his drinking problem basically whatever he could think up. He has a new girlfriend, who seemed to be an alright woman, she was in his late 50’s which was slightly odd, but to each their own! I was busy making plans for my backyard wedding! Don and I were to be married on June 9th 2012! I had sworn I would never get married again but let me tell ya, for those people who don’t believe in marriage or whatever, the tax benefits are worth the ceremony! So Don and I got married, Steve was acting like a dink around our wedding date, but I didn’t let that hinder me at all! We got married, very simple outside bbq. In July I returned to court, I was there but Steve was not. He had called the court and said that his ride had fallen through and he was unable to make it. The judge said that they would set the date again, he was unable to put a warrant out for him this time, but there will be nothing holding him from doing it the second time he misses court. He assured me if it were up to him, Steve would be sitting in jail for at LEAST 6 months! More to come...

Ok sorry I havent written in a while we have been running like crazy for baseball and other school things! I am back and I am back on track! That being said, normally when we are in such rushes I have poor choices of foods and such. I have been doing such a great job in this are and with little to no effort! Could this be because I am finally telling my story? There has been a lot of things I have told here that I have never spoken about, still more - but progress is progress! That being said lets get back to my story shall we? You would think once he moved out and was no longer in my home things would ease up, not always the case. So Steve moved in with his mother and step father, he had gotten a part time job working for wal mart. His first pay check he came right to my house with $125 for me. I was honestly shocked! I in turn told him in order for us to make this as easy on the kids as possible that I think it would be good for him to stop by several times a week, the door was always open before their bedtime all he had to do was call. This worked out for about 2 weeks. It had to become more restricted once he showed up at my house and thought it was still alright for him to yell at me while Don was not there, in front of my kids! So we limited visits to times that Don was home (with the exception of the times he came to get the kids). When we finally went to court I made sure the judge put some things in the order such as it was his responsibility to have car seats for the younger children and to provide transportation. He was not "allowed" to argue with me in front of the children. Everything went alright for about a month he showed up to get the kids and I had some things that he had every right to if he wanted them, one of these items was a push mower for the lawn so I offered it to him, he said he would take it. When he showed up he stayed in the yard for a few minutes with the kids playing, then asked one of them to come ask me if he could borrow my car seats! Mind you, they were 3 and a half at the time! When that failed him he then went to Don. Don laughed and said to him I think the court order said for you to have your own, you havent paid any support in a few months, you are still working and you live with your mom, how can you not be able to spend $15 on each of the kids and get a booster seat? You have to ask Reena, I have no say. So he came to me, I flipped out I repeated what Don had told him and added in that I have not only one car seat for each child but two for them since we have 2 cars, if I can afford to feed them, clothe them, pay the sitter, put a roof over their heads ect, AND have two car seats then he can afford to buy one! He left that day with no children. A few weeks went by before he finally got the car seats, every once in a while I would use him as a baby sitter to save me money. One day I was very sick and I needed to go to like a urgent care so that I wouldnt miss any time from work. So I called Steve and asked if he would come sit with the kids while I went. He agreed. He showed up and I told him I already had food made, everything was all set just keep everyone out of my room. I went to the doctors. While at the doctors they confirmed what I thought was the case, I was pregnant! Now please don't think of me as irresponsible or anything like that and try to understand, I have had 3 miscarriages and when I was pregnant with the twins I had a lot of assistance to keep the pregnancy. So when they said I was pregnant I was scared! I did not want to lose another baby, I didnt not want my boyfriend who had no children of his own to suffer through such a thing. I was pleased, because a baby is a blessing no matter what time of day, but I was afraid because there was a very high chance I would never get to hold that baby! So on the way home I went over everything in my head. Don already knew I was pregnant and my mother knew I was pregnant but we hadn't told anyone else. There was a few reasons behind keeping the news to ourselves, the first on the list was the chance of loss, the second reason was religon. I had decided to keep the reason for my illness to myself a bit longer, Steve didnt need to know just yet. When I arrived back home Steve was making small talk with me about my relationship with Don. He saying how I was going too fast with Don, it was a relationship based around sex we had nothing in common and eventually I would open my eyes and come back to him. I got very angry so I said "would you like to know the real reason I had to go to the doctors today?" I took the papers that they had given me in bold letters at the top of the page it said "You were seen today for :pregnancy" and slapped them onto the counter! He read it twice, then he said "you're f****** kidding me! What a f****** joke!" he laughed and went out the door. My heart smiled as he drove away. Later that night as I was going to bed I realized that there was something ... missing! First I noticed a game system of Don's was gone, then I began poking around and realized a ring my mother had given me was gone (it wasnt much as far as dollar value, but what it meant to me had no price tag) a huge amount of video games were gone, just a bunch of things, most from inside my bedroom. So the following day I called his mother's house and I told her what was going on she said "oh I should have warned you, I have had things coming up missing too!" Well, why are you ignoring this?! I asked her if I could come over to get my things from him, she said yes. Once she got off the phone with me she gave him her car keys and told him to leave. So when I showed up she let me go through his whole room and take whatever was mine. I found everything but my ring. (that was small enough to put in his pocket, I took some pleasure in the fact that he would only see about $15 for it when he pawned it). We took our things back to our house and nothing much was said or done about it, after all he and I were still married and we shared children, according to the law in NY he still had every right to my house and the things inside it! I think it was about 2 weeks before father's day when Steve's mother called me, she was crying and upset. She said they had to call the police because Steve had stolen a large amount of money from her bank account, she didnt tell me an exact amount but that the over draft was around $900! As it turns out, if you know the judge and you were arrested for stealing from your mom? You get to go home that night because he called me the next day laughing about the situation! I had to allow him to take the kids, it was his weekend. So he came and got them without any problems. He was supposed to get them by 10 am and bring them home at 6pm. Sometime around 11:30 am he showed up to get them, it was 3pm when he returned with them. His reasoning "the twins were getting into stuff" So I gave my opinion, I said it must be nice to be able to just pack up the kids and return them the minute they get slightly difficult. Then he began to argue with me over things that had nothing to do with the kids all about the past. I asked him to leave, I mean my children were right there as he was calling me things such as a ****, a ***** ect. He refused to leave. I went inside and he follwed me, at which point I felt threatened. I thought to myself there was no way in hell I was going to let him push me back in my hole again! So I began yelling at him, I told him he had to leave. He yelled back that he didnt! I said "alright fine! lets see if Im right, Ill give the cops a call!" so I picked up the phone and for the first time in my life I called the police on my husband! He took off as soon as he realized I was actually on the phone with someone. The police showed up the officer did tell me there was actually nothing they can do since he and I are still married, he suggested that I move to a new location where he has never lived. Father's day rolled around, I had become very uneasy about dealing with Steve. I had made it clear that someone else had to be there any time we were to exchange the kids or anything. So the idea for father's day was that he could see the kids but he wouldn't be left alone with them. I would meet him at a public place with the children. I wouldnt be in the mix, more a bystander just watching. So on father's day I called to see where and when he wanted to meet. His step father answered the phone (a less than friendly guy, since Steve had filled their heads with garbage about me) I asked for Steve, he said "he can't come to the phone right now, he is talking with an officer. I have 2 handguns that have come up missing!" This alarmed me since just days before he had text me saying how I was lucky to not become front page news yet! He ended up being taken into custody by the police but released that night. The next morning I went to family court to get a stay away order and restraining order. I had found out too that he was back into the drugs full force. I had given him $1000.00 of my tax returns to wrap up our last year together (if he was smart and took me to court, my lawyer said he would get at LEAST half! so I offered $1000) come to find out this money went towards a weekend cocaine bindge. He said he had stolen those guns and traded them for drugs that was also why he had stolen all of the other items from his mom and the money! He lost his job, never told anyone so he still had use of a car. So I go to the advacate at family court and I tell her my story, I asked her if we could move for an emergency stay away. This would mean the judge had to rule on it today, and that Steve would be served today, he would not be allowed to call my house (the kids would call him) he couldnt see the children until we returned to court for a modification of visitation, he would not be allowed to come to my work place or the school for at least 6 months. The advacate said yes, we moved forward with the paperwork. I arrived at court at 7:45AM, I finally saw the judge at 4:30PM! When I went in before this judge I explained to her about the text messages and the missing guns, his drug habbits and explosive behaviors. She said to me "yeah, but do you REALLY think he will harm you?!" as if I would wait around all damn day because I wanted to be a thorn in his side! My reply? "I honestly don't know what he might do while he is under the influance, he has surprised me more than once!" She reluctantly granted me my requests. It was a good thing too becauses he was still walking free and the police had yet to locate those missing guns! More to come, I NEED to go get my nails done! A quick thank you for all of you who defended me and my writing on the last post. I love to know there are people that stand behind me. Although it has taken me almost 4 years, I am finally starting to see, I am a warrior and one of the best kind too! The kind that hasnt given up. I hope I can inspire others to stand up to their battles and have the inner strength to be victorious!

thank you all! I have finally posted the next part and will begin working on part 8 as soon as possible!

The following day I woke up and began getting ready for work, as I sat on the side of my bed pulling on my stockings he came into the room and I turned to him and said "I want a divorce. I no longer wish to be married to you, I have been wasting my time." he was so shocked, he didnt know what to say! I left for work, I dont recall crying even ONE tear! If anything I felt a huge weight lift off from me. I began thinking about my children and how the last thing I wanted was for them to have a split home. I also worked out everything I wanted to tell Steve when I returned home that night. When I got home I waited to talk to Steve until after the kids were in bed. I sat him down and told him I understood he had been out of work for a while and he was in no position to move out. Given the situation (our children having special needs ect) I thought it was best that we kept things the way they were for the time being. I explained to him that he would have to start paying his own way through life, he needed to get a job and soon! I expected him to pay $150 a month for a roof over his head, and food in his belly. I would take care of the rest. He didnt have much choice but to agree with me. The next month and a half he sat around and played video games, I only ever got $50 from him during that time. I had slowly been getting very close to a male friend of mine. He was recently coming out of a divorce and we were helping each other along the way. Months went by and against my better judgement my friend and I beame closer and closer, to a romantic point. Everyone around us said to be careful as it was just a rebound thing. Steve still lived with me and there were many nights he would stand at the foot of my bed carrying on until 2 or 3 AM. I did not keep anything from him, so when I began getting involved with my friend (Don) I was sure to let him know. Any time I would hang out with Don I was always very careful not to let it get in the way of my time with my kids. So I would see him for a very short time after work or a longer time once my kids were in bed sleeping. He was very understanding when it came to my children, he understood nothing came before them. I did eventually make plans to go to dinner with Don when one of my kids had fallen sick. I made arrangements then for Don to come visit me at the house, Steve would leave, Don would come after the kids were in bed. Steve surprisingly was alright with most everything until it was a problem for him (ex: when he needed money for cigarettes ect). When Don was around I relaized Steve was silent! How nice that was. So once I felt comfortable enough I allowed Don to meet my kids, and eventually he began coming around more and more often. I would make up excuses for him to come or to stay longer since whenever he was around it was peaceful! I went to my landlord and explained to him that I have asked Steve to move out, asked him to get a job, asked him to help out with money around the house and he has done nothing but fight with me. I got all my options from my landlord and they didnt look great. Basically he said Stve could leave on his own, or the landlord would have to evict all of us! So I asked my landlord what he thought about another person moving in, he said it was fine as long as there was no fighting. I explained to Steve that Don and I were pretty serious and I was going to have him move in. I gave Steve a move in date and told him if he didnt like it, he should move out! So on move in day you know what Steve did? Helped move Don in!! He insisted he wasnt going anywhere and any time now I would change my mind and see what I was throwing away! So now here I am living with my ex husband, my children and my new boyfriend! Things, as messed up as that seems were actually really decent as long as Don was home. Whenever Don was at work and Steve and I were alone he would start fighting with me. One time he started fight with me he was really loud, very mean, and he was in my face, grabbing my arms things that were threatening. My oldest son (who was 8 at this time) saw it and he went out the back door and rode his bike up the road to the landlord's house and told him his dad was being very mean to me. I hate to think that this action may have saved lives, but in reality - this action may have saved lives. Within a few minutes my landlord was knocking at the door, this made Steve let go of me and get away from me. My landlord told him he had 7 days to leave or else he was putting the whole lot of us on the street! Steve made arrangements to live with his mom, he was out 3 or 4 days after this threat by my landlord. I liked that he was at his mothers house, I felt at ease sending my kids to visit. He would take Trevor on Friday night and keep him right through until Sun afternoon and the twins he would come pick up on Sat, drop off Sat night and get them again on Sun. It really was a good arrangement that we had. Once I had Steve move out I had to put the kids in daycare whenever I was working, this was expensive! So I sat Steve down once he got a job and I told him I was not asking for child support, just that he paid half of the daycare fees. total was $300 a month! He agreed that that was reasonable. A week later he gave me $125 and that was the last money I saw from him until much much later. I am going to stop at this point for today, there is still more to tell about my journey with my ex-husband. Even to this day (literally, I have pressed charges against him and he is to appear in front of a judge tomorrow, May 14th) I intend to finish off my story within the next day or so I didnt write at all this weekend with it being mother's day but I think I can wrap this whole thing up within the next few days. I was nervous telling my story, there was a lot of horrible things I have been through but my reason for telling it has shown through all of that and helped me get it all out! More to come!

all this "drama" is what lead me to where I am, and helped me find WHO I am. I have met a few different people through this site who are in the same boat (if not worse) as I was in. I hope that this story (or DRAMA as you put it) will inspire those people who are hurt, lost and who feel forgotten find who and WHAT they are! I can only pray that my "DRAMA" will lead someone else who is being abused and misused to realize they don't have to live that way, they too can be victorious! They can make the changes that need to be made. My weight loss journey began the minute I realized me and my children deserved better! Im sorry if you (mokee) don't understand that, but it's my choice to write it just as it's your choice to read it...

We moved into a place owned by a friend of ours. It was located about 3 miles from any store and our friend offered to help as much as he could in keeping Steve sober. I started working a second job and after a few months of moving into this new place everything started going really well for us! Steve was sober and money was coming in, he and I were happy again. I had gotten my son into special education pre-school, he was doing great! During the time we lived with my parents I had a second miscarrage, we really wanted to have another baby especially now that our life together was looking great. I started seeing a specialist who helped me figure out why I kept losing pregnancies and what we could do to help prevent it the next time. After Steve had been sober for a year and 3 months I found out I was pregnant! Around week 10 we found out we were having twins!! Once this was determined we started working very hard at getting Steve his license back. The babies were due in Jan 2007, we were to have them by c-section in Dec of 2006. My doctors were only going to let me work until Oct of 2006. On Oct 8th 2006 Steve got his license, On Oct 10th 2006 I had my last day at work. On Oct 11th 2006 Steve started his new job! Hows that for handy work!! In Nov 2006 we had a big problem with the friend we were renting from. There were many different problems. I would tell my sister about them and eventually she offered that we move in with her until the twins were born, this way I would have some help with them when I came home from the hospital. Sounded like the best option since we didnt have much money to work with at the time. So we moved in with my sister mid Nov. Now let me explain my relationship with this sister. She and I have always had a rocky relationship, right up until her first child was born, at that point it was like we both just said "oh okay, its time to be a grown up now". We moved into my sister's within a week of living there she and I went right back to old times, we didn't get along we could hardly stand to look at each other! I don't know why and as easy as it would be to blame her for it all I just can't. Steve and I were still doing alright, he was working most of the time so i had to take care of our son alone most of the time. On Dec 20th 2006 at 7AM I gave birth to two beautiful babies! Baby "a" was a boy and baby "b" was a girl, both were healthy and perfect. I too was healthy and the three of us returned home on Dec 23rd just in time to have Christmas with the family! Steve went right back to work a week after the twins were born, So I was running this ship solo. In Jan I started noticing some money coming up unaccounted for. So if we started with $300 and ended with $50 I could only explain where $175 of it went. The rest was just.. gone! This was horrible since I was trying to save up so we could get out on our own. Steve never had an aswer for it. One time $260 came up missing, and to some people out there that may not seem like a big deal but to me at that time, that was half a pay check! And remember I had twins to care for! Steve had no real explaination at all, he said he got the money out of the bank so he could get tires for the car then when he went to get the tires the money was missing. When I was cleaning up our rooms at my sisters house one time I had found a perscription bottle of mine from when I had the twins, my doctor put me on very strong pain medication and the bottle was empty! I never took any. I asked Steve about it he said he had been taking them for a toothache. In April 2007 we moved out of my sister's and into our own home. When we first moved in Steve was still working, he would complain of headaches and or toothaches that always landed him in the doctors for pain medication. I started getting worried about it and confronting him. He assured me it wasnt a problem and then he backed off going to the doctors. I started seeing a change im Steve that I couldn't explain, he seemed less and less motivated. Often money would come up missing and I just couldnt put my finger on what was going on. In Nov 2007 he came home and said that he had gotten laid off from his job. Mind you it was highly unlikely that this was the truth and I knew that. So the next month or so he went around "looking for work" non stop. He ended up getting a job in some factory but he needed boots and special clothes and all of this was expensive so his mother said she would give him the money for it. He got the money from her but never made it to work there. Also never bought the items he needed. A woman moved in next door to us who was a single mom and she had a son who was the same age as my oldest so we got pretty involved with her. She seemed like a nice enough lady. Steve got a job working for the school district, cleaning. I slowly noticed that the woman next door seemed to be getting too close for comfort. One day while Steve was at work and I was home alone with my neice and my 3 kids, two complete strangers came to my door. It was two ladys who lived near by and they each had kids that would play with my kids sometimes. They asked if I would step outside with them for a minute. I did, the one lady said she was so sorry to be the one to tell me about this but if it were her husband she would want to know. After that she let it loose! She saw my husband with the lady next door sitting at a park at a picnic table holding hands and touching each others legs ect. She said she has seen him park his car down the road and then walk in her house through her back door. In not so many words my husband was cheating on me! I thanked them for coming to me with it and they left. I had a lot to deal with, alot to process! I asked my neice to sit with my kids for a few minutes and I went outside, got my bike and rode it to the school (about 2 miles away) where Steve was working. I found him and asked him about it, he said no way these people are just trying to cause problems. I didnt believe him, but I didnt have proof he was wrong either. I went back home and I decided I would just watch how things went. Over the next few months my world got turned upside down! There were times that Steve went fishing with his friend, he wouldnt come in until 4 am and the woman next door would be waiting outside for him! I confronted him about it and he said she just had a bad day and needed to talk. I told him that she needed to call her girlfriend then, not wait up for my husband. He said I was just jealous. On mother's day I woke up and was making a cup of coffee, none of the kids were awake yet. Steve came to the kitchen and said we needed to talk. I told him to go ahead, he said he didnt love me anymore and wanted to change things. I didnt believe in divorce! I found it hard to believe that this would be how it would end... after all I have done so far for him, for my children?! No, we will seek help. After he and I talked he went to his sister's house to see his mom and his father stopped by the house to see me. Dad and I talked a while and he just told me that no matter what Steve says, he still loves me and not to give up on our marriage. He encouraged me that I had come so far with Steve and all of his problems, if I could get through his drinking with him I could get through this too! When he returned I sat him down and just eplained to him that I understood his feelings but if they were the way that they were because of another woman then maybe he needed to remove himself from that situation so that he could think more clearly. He agreed, he was going to stay awaay from this woman and see what happened with he and I. Roughly a month later I realized I was pregnant again, within days after finding out (I did NOT tell Steve) Steve and I were having a rough day, someone had come to me and said they had seen him with her recently so I confronted him about it and it blew up into this big fight. During the arguement I began spotting, and yet another miscarriage! I told him I was having a miscarriage and I just couldnt handle him yelling at me or us fighting, I wanted to talk to him like a civilized human being! He asked me to give him a minute and he went outside. I thought, Oh good, let him cool down and then maybe I can make him see all the efforts I have put forth and how stupid it would be to throw that all away! I waited, and waited, and waited some more. An hour had gone by and still he hadnt returned! Two hours... nothing! Somewhere around hour number 5 he finally called and said he was fishing with a friend, which I knew wasnt true because that friend had just called for him. I told him this and I also told him his son was asking for him, I told him I would drive to this park that was down the road from our home and I would wait there 25 minutes for him, if he showed up I knew he wanted to work on our marriage and our family.. if he didnt I would know he had other intentions and if that be the case, he needed to go some place else to stay. I got into my car, now let me explain. I had a saturn ion, I had NO gas in this car the needle was on E! I had a 5 dollar bill in my pocket and that was all, hardly any food in the house, but if I were to go to this park and wait for him, I was going to need that $5 in my gas tank! So I went to the local gas station, a small run down place and I went inside and told her I needed $5 in gas on pump 3. She took my money and said go ahead. I went outside and I put the nozzle in my car and began pumping... I was lost in thought, I didnt want to be late if he were to show up and I wasnt there I would just die inside! I then snapped back to the here and now to realize I had been pumping gas for a while now! I looked and it was just over $10! So I went inside and told the cashier I did not have anything but $5, she said not to worry it was her mistake. I promised to have the money to her tomorrow. I left the store and went right to the park and there I sat, I waited, and waited. I think I was there for about 45 minutes and no Steve. My heart sank to my feet as I drove home. I was home for around 2 hours when I started to become annoyed and restless, I got up and went to my car, I am unsure what my intentions were. As I reached my car I saw the woman next door come home and Steve was not with her. I got into my car and backed up I got onto the road and saw him walking towards the house. At this point there was no doubt in my mind that he was in fact with her the whole time! I was so angry!! I floored it, gas all the way to the floor! I got up to around 30 MPH and was within feet of hitting him when I slammed on my brakes! I threw the car into reverse and I backed into my driveway. I got out of my car and yelled to him that he'd better see if he can stay at his tramp's house! He laughed and said he would be staying at home and there was nothing I could do about it. I knew he was right, but I was not about to admit to it. I said to him "how dare you leave me after I tell you Im miscarrying YOUR child! you leave for hours at a time! No worries at all about me or your children. Just to go tie one on with the tramp next door. She doesn't want you! She doesn't even know you! Does she know about your drinking problem? Your drug problem?" The woman from next door jumpped in at this point she said "I am no tramp, I will have you know!" then she turned to Steve and asked him about me being pregnant and he said that he hadnt slept with me for months, which was a lie (obviously) but then I began to wonder why he would defend him sleeping with his wife to the neighbor? It was then I had made up my mind, if he did come home he would be on the couch for the rest of his life. At that point I could have cared less if he were to return to me, I was so heartbroken and depressed there was nothing he could ever do to fix this. I realized it was important for me to be civil and act like an adult for our children. My oldest son being autistic, he needs structure. The twins were so young still they too needed for things to be stable. I went in the house and got a pillow and blanket, put it on the couch for him then I went to bed. In the weeks to pass I slowly came to realize the one thing i needed to focus on were to get Steve sober and clean, it was more of a challenge now since his girlfriend fed him both drugs and drinks! But I needed him to be something like a father to my children, I needed him to be clean for them. This was my goal from this point on, I laid out a plan to get him clean and the two of us could just carry on with our lives, living under the same roof but not tied to each other. This would allow my children to still have mom and dad. I didnt care if I ever remarried or got with another man, at this point the one man I trusted with my everything has done nothing but destroy me! Who wants another?! That being said, I did just that. I took all of his prescription medications and offered to hand feed them to him. This is when I realized he had been taking over 50 pills a day, of various different pain meds! It was a wonder I hadnt found him dead yet. There was a point when he admited to snorting the pills. He said that he would get pills from the woman next door as well. Then I found out he was stealing pain patched from his brother in-law and pills from my mom. All together somewhere around 47 a day that he stole, was perscribed himself, or he would buy! At one point I was giving him all of his pill sin the morning, like if the max a day was 6 pills I would give him all 6 at 7 am and no more until the following day. I hid the bottles, he always seemed to find them and eventually I got sick of him cheating at the plan so I flushed the pills! He got so mad that he busted the bathroom door in! He called his mom to take him to a detox center, I refused to entertain the idea of a detox center that fed him pills to help him get off from pills! Seemed a waste of time to me. But his mom came running, she helped him pack his things and then she took him to the detox. Two days later he was home again with a whole new bottle of pills! I started to realize there was a good chance I wouldnt be able to actually help Steve clean up his act, but at the very least I could try and make a home for my kids. I had gotten a call from my landlord telling me I was 3 months behind on my rent and that he was willing to work with me but for only so long. It was time for me to get a job! I began working for a retail company, a few months later I got a job also with an insurance company and a few months after that I started also working for a medical center! I was working from 7 am to sometimes as late as 12 am no less than 6 days a week. I got our money situation back on track! Eventually I got a job offer at a fuel company that was less than 10 miles from my house so I took it. I left all three of my other jobs because the money I was making at the fuel company was good enough as long as I could put in the hours. Steve always slept on the couch, the neighbor girl had moved (without him) and their relationship had come to an end. He tried to patch up things with me but there was just no way I could trust him again. During all of this I had found out so much about his drug abuse, he had spent so much of our money on pills and cocaine and God only knows what other drugs! He slept on the couch and looked after the kids while I worked. I started talking with someone from the church about the way the church veiws divorce and weather I was in the right for wanting one. I started feeling this was the route to take when my father in-law (a man I felt very deeply for!) became very ill and eventually died. I became worried about Steve's mental well being if I were to bring to him the idea of a divorce. So I continued helping him build himself up, keep clean and sober. Roughly a year after my father in-law passed away, in August of 2009 a friend of mine was in a car accident and I was very worried about her. I was trying to tell Steve about it when he cut me off to tell me about a movie he got. I was devistated that he cared so little about me that he couldnt even pretend to listen to me when I was obviously upset. This was my wake up point, when I realized it was over, the battle no longer needed to be fought! I wanted a divorce.

The drunken fights between him and I caused problems between me and my parents. Forgive me - this part of my story is very hard for me to tell. ... I love my mother more than life itself, she is a very strong woman who has her own long story of battles. Through all of her battles she always kept me and my sisters safe and together, no matter what came her way. That being said please understand how hard it is for me to stress my feelings at the time all this stuff happened. With the help of my parents I went and got my license, before I did that I landed a job at a gas station. Once I got my license my parents allowed me to use one of their cars to get to and from work. My parents have a camp up north so they would go away for a week or so at a time leaving me and my husband and son back at the house. One time while they were gone Steve had been drinking very heavy. I thought it was best for me and our son to leave the house for a while. As I was heading to the car I told him I was going to the store to get milk and he said for me not to take our son. I put my son in the car any way. He said he would call the cops and tell them I had kidnapped my son. With him as drunk as he was I really didnt feel this was too much of a threat so I left. It took me about 45 minutes to go to the store and back. My parents live on a dead end dirt road about a 1/4 mile long. As I came around the bend in the driveway I saw a cop car sitting there! My first thought was oh my God, he called the cops! When I got out of the car the cop addressed me he explained that he was there because they had gotten a call from a Lisa (Steve's sister) and that she had said Steve had been making phone calls to her and others claiming that he was going to do physical harm to Rick (his step father) and Lisa was worried about Steve so she called and asked that a cop be sent over to see that he was alright. I listened to all that he had to say and then he said "its obvious that steve has been drinking..." you think?! He continued "he admits that he has a problem and says he would like to get some help. Are you willing to take control of this situation and take him to get help?" Now stop. Hold the phone! Is this cop blaming ME?! for this situation...? I agreed to take Steve to a rehab, the cop left. As soon as the cop car was out of sight Steve said he wasnt going. I started making phone calls to my insurance and to rehabs in the area that I would be able to check him into. If not that night, then the next day when he was sober. So here I am on the phone with this lady at a rehab center, I am tired and at this point it has been a very long day. She asks if I am in any danger. I said no I didnt think so, he isnt normally agressive just mouthy. Right after that Steve came into the room screaming and yelling, he grabbed the phone from me and when he did I let out like a scream. He took the phone and threw it accorss the room and disconnected the call! The lady on the other end thought I was in trouble and she called 911 and within 5 minutes the same cop was back! First thing he said to me was "I thought I left here with the understanding that you were going to get this under control!?" I asked him how I was supposed to do that when he acted this way. I asked the cop to take Steve himself to the rehab. The cop went to his car for a few minutes and then returned. He said he had called a rehab center, they had a bed for him all I needed to do was drive him there. He asked Steve if he was going to go, Steve was very positive and ready to do this! The cop left, I called my sister to make arrangements for someone to ride with me, and for her to keep my son while I did this. She agreed and Steve, my son and myself all got in the car and went to my sister's house (about 5 miles away). We got there and got everything all figured out, who was going and staying. My son refused to stay so I brought him with me, also my sister's father in-law (Joe) rode along as well. So I was driving, Steve was in the front passenger seat, my son was behind him in the back, and Joe was behind me in the back. We got about 6 miles from my sister's house when Steve said "I'm not going to rehab" he wasnt excited or anything, just plan as day, right as rain. Then? He jumped out of the car! Opened the door and jumped out! I was in shock, I just kept driving. I don't even think I hit my brakes! The door closed as we drove away, I turned around at the nearest gas station and I drove back to my sister's house. On our way back through I did not see him on the streets or sidewalk at all. I got back to my sister's and told her what had happened and she agreed it was best for me and my son to stay at her house for the night. If he were to walk anywhere it would most likely be to my parent's house, not her's. Just as we were making these arrangements, Steve walked in the door! He got in my face and said he wasn't going to a rehab and I wasnt going to force him. I agreed... we talked and ended up deciding that Steve would stay at my sister's and the baby and I would go home to my parent's. I would come get him in the morning. He said that was fine, he would stay. I went outside and started putting my son in the car as I was doing this Steve came running from the house yelling that I wasn't taking his son from him! He started grabbing at me, trying to pull me from the car so he could get to my son. I hugged my son's car seat and covered my son saying "It's okay baby, close your eyes, don't look. I love you! I will keep you safe" After a few seconds my sister came outside and grabbed ahold of Steve, pulled him off me and began yelling at me to leave! I crawled through the back door of the car into the front seat, started the car and began backing up when he had freed himself from my sister and he ran after the car, he reached the front passenger door and opened it! I was afraid I would hit him so I started to slow down when my sister yelled "floor it!" so I did... he lost his footing and the door ended up hitting him and knocking him off the car. I didnt know if he was alright or not, I just drove away! When I got to my parent's house I called my sister, she said he was already asleep in the bedroom! She said that her hasband had called the cops and the same guy showed up but by time he got there Steve was asleep so he left. The next day everything went back to normal, Steve went off to his rebah group , only to return drunk. Later in the evening, after my son had gone to bed. I realized Steve had been outside for a long time. I went outside to see what he was up to and I found him in the "barn" (a storage shed) drinking up a bottle of vodka. He didn't know I had seen him and I wasnt about to relive the night I had before. I got back to the house and I called my parents. I asked my mom to call the police and ask them to take him away. I was unable to do this myself for two reasons #1 we were married and he hadnt put his hands on me (on this day) and #2 it wasnt MY property. My mom said that she didn't want to get involved and that Steve and I were married, we needed to work out our differences. I took matters into my own hands, I locked the doors and windows! I went through the whole house and locked up everything I could, blocked off whatever I was unable to lock. I sat there and I waited. It was about an hour later when I heard the door handle rattle, then some banging on the door. I sat out of sight and I prayed "please God don't let him find a way in here!" during the next hour I could hear him going around the house window to window and door to door trying to get in. I just prayed that he wouldnt get in, what else could I do? After an hour it got silent, I went upstairs to be with my son, just incase I had decided that I would sleep outside his room. I fell asleep. When I woke up Steve was standing over me. "Why did you lock me out?" I made him go downstairs away from my son, we argued for hours. Eventually he passed out and I returned back to my sons door to watch over him. The next day I went around the house to figure out how he got in and I saw a window that he had broken. When I told my mom about this story she was upset with me for locking him out in the first place. I would say about another month had gone by with us living at my mom's house. We had a friend who was trying to help Steve get on the straight and narrow which was nice, finally someone who was willing to put forth some effort besides myself. Keep in mind Steve never stopped playing drums at the church, he would go there play a bit and during the sermon he would go into town and get drunk, he would return just in time to end the service and he would come home from church drunk! While I was working he would get rides to doctors and such from family members. He had my cousin take him to the doctors then asked her to swing by his moms house so he could give her something. They went there, he went inside and got an empty soda bottle, filled it with rum and tucked it in his pants. Later at some point he hid it in our recliner at the house. That night my son was sitting the the recliner with his dad watching tv, Steve had fallen asleep. My son found the bottle and thought it was soda so he opened it and drank from it! Thank God he spit it all out because it was yucky! I didnt let Steve know I was aware of this situation, also didnt tell him yet about our son drinking it. I waited until he was gone the next day to rehab and I packed up my things and my sons things and we went to stay at my sister's house. We stayed away for about a week, talking to Steve the whole time over the phone. We were also talking to this friend who had been helping Steve. This friend (doug) had a rental property that he was willing to let us live in, he felt it would help Steve stay sober if he had a home to call his own. I had to think about it because I didnt want to ruin a friendship or have any problems with them because we were renting from them. I did return home with Steve and he actually began making a good effort (or so I thought) to being sober. I was working at the gas station still. I had worked from 3PM to 12 AM, when I got home I went upstairs and went to bed, as I was falling asleep I told Steve how awesome he was when he was sober and just how much I loved him when he was this way. When I woke up the next morning I had to work an earlier shift so I was off to work around 6AM, I got back home about 4:30PM. I met Steve and my son on their way out to go for a walk. When I entered the house my step father stopped me and handed me a folded paper. I went upstairs and sat down to read what it said. It was in my mother's handwriting. It said that my family and I had 7 days to move! It was an evication notice!!! My heart sank, my mind felt as though it would explode any second! I was numb from the waist down, I couldnt move! After a good half hour I finally got the ability to stand up, I figured I would walk up the road and at some point my path would cross Steve's and I would be able to vent to him about the situation. so off I went! As I reached almost the end of the road (there are heavy woods on both sides of this road) I heard Steve talking from within the woods. So I turned and began walking into the woods when I saw him. He was standing there talking to my son, drinking a beer! When I got closer I saw the pile of empty cans, at LEAST 15 of them!! I lost myself! I began screaming and then crying. I turned and ran out of the woods, as I came to the road I fell to my knees and began to yell out to God, I never cried so hard in my life! Finally, I dont know how long I had been there. I don't know who approched me or why. I finally ran out of tears, my voice was all dried up and horse. I lay there on my back in the middle of this road looking up at the sky and it all came to me at once. My husband was a drunk, I could never trust him not even a tiny bit. My parents have abandoned me, they have evicted me and my son to the street (they did not know about the other possiblity I was lining up with our friend Doug). I had one week to get this fixed! The thoughts that followed that were lonely thoughts. I was alone, God had obviously left me, my mom was of no use she was obviously sick of me and my issues, and my husband? HA! I picked myself up, dusted myself off and prepared for the rest of my life! As I walked that 1/4 mile road back to my parents house I started filling that empty feeling with determination, and strength, if no one was going to help me then I would have to help myself! I came to the front door of the house and for the first time in my life I walked through that door feeling unwanted and unloved! My mother wouldn't even make eye contact with me. that night instead of all of us having dinner together, we ate apart, miles and miles apart. After we ate, I began packing our stuff. I have never been in such a hurry to leave a place, a place that I had so full of memories. The amount of hurt I felt at this time in my life was more than I had ever felt. To this day it hurts so bad to think back to that time in my life. About 3 days later we were completely moved out of my mom's house. I went months not talking to my mother. I had a dream one night, in this dream my mom had died of natural causes and I was happy about it! (Im ashamed to even speak of this dream) When I woke from it I was in tears. I felt horrible that I had built such a hate towards my mother. I called her right away, I was crying and I asked her to forgive me and told her that I loved her no matter what. I chose to forget the events that happened between my parents and I. My mom and I are very close today, in fact I would say she is one of my closest friends. She is very special to me. We never speak of what happened between us or the words that were on that paper. In fact this is the first time I have even given it any thought since it happened. It just hurts too much!

for those of you offering help, please understand these things happened to me years ago and I have since bettered my life. thank you all so much for your concern. In the short time I have been on here I have met a few people that I really felt could use this story to advance in their own lives. It really doesn't do much justice for me or them if I say to them "I was married to a drunk for 10 years and the I woke up" there is so much more to it than that. I didn't believe in divorce! I was brought up that you are supposed to live by the vows you made in the church that day you called your wedding day, it was very important to me NOT to quit my marriage. Please keep reading, I will continue to write, I thought it would be harder to write this stuff as one of my ways of dealing was forgetting but as it turns out, it makes me feel good to remember...

Sorry about the delay, I had some things come up and was unable to make it back to the computer yesterday. So I had my first son, everything went well for the first 2 years or so. My husband and I began to get more and more involved in the church, He played drums on the band or worship team every other service and I was involved in the nursery watching after the young children. In 2003 little by little my husband kept saying how he wanted to branch out and play with bands besides the church. Although he liked playing at church, they didn't play the kind of music he loved. So he tried a few different bands finally settling with this one made up of a father and his two sons, the sons in their early 20s and dad being in his 50's. They played mostly grad parties and things like that, no bars or clubs. A gig came up that had Steve playing 2 hours away from home, but the pay made it worth it. So he went with the agreement there would be no drinking of any kind, this way he could come back home and we would make it to the church for him to play in the morning. I expected him home around 2 AM. I can remember the whole thing as if it just happened. I remember watching the show E.R. on DVD that night waiting up for him to return home/. At 3:45AM I finally went to bed. I had tried calling everyone I knew who was at the event and no one was answering. I got into bed and it seemed like as soon as I fell asleep the phone rang. I answered it and it was Steve. He said "Hey, umm." I already knew he wasn't hurt, because if he was hurt it wouldn't be him calling me. So this had to mean he was drunk! so I yelled "you're drunk aren't you?" I didn't wait for a reply, I just hung up the phone I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I got up with my son at 7AM I remember him getting on the couch looking out the window crying for daddy. As I was getting him his breakfast my mom called me she told me that Steve had called her and they were going to bail him out! She said that he had a beer at the event and got about a mile from the house when he fell asleep and the car went off the road, a cop came and picked him up because he smelled of beer. I later found out that what really happened was he got totally messed up as soon as he got to the event, couldn't even play because he was so messed up so he headed home. He did get about one mile from home and did drive off the road. A cop came along and picked him up walking to the house, so his charges were leaving the scene, possession! and a DWI! I just remember sitting there with my son, him crying for daddy over and over until sometime around 1PM. My parents sat down with Steve and I, they prayed for us, they tried to offer direction to us. They left, my son cried that he wanted to go buh bye. I didn't have my license (Steve always made the excuse that we didn't have the money for the test) and Steve had just lost his! Things were not great, but they could still get worse and believe me ... they did! Steve got very lucky and when he went before the judge the first time the judge was cool and gave him a conditional license, this allowed him to keep his job. Also allowed me to get the baby to the doctors and do our shopping ect. This happened in June of 2003. In Aug of 2003 Steve went to a bar to see off a co-worker who was heading in the army. He told me that they were going out to a place with no bar to grab a bite to eat. I didn't see a problem with it. So sometime around 3AM he called. I was awake and waiting for him to come home. I answered the phone and he said "hey, its me" I asked what town court he was in he responded "its not what you think, I tried to miss a deer and took the ditch so a cop gave me a ride, I need to be picked up" I was happy that it wasn't as bad as last time and agreed to make phone calls for him. Turns out it was worse than the last time. This time he was being charged with DWI, driving outside his conditional, leaving the scene. His lawyer did his best to drag everything out as long as he could which allowed Steve to keep his job for a while longer, but by time winter came he was out of work, we had lost our car (bank took it) he had lost his license for 6 months, he had to complete an evaluation in order to get it back and they were expensive ($190-$500) the one he had done recommended that he go to a rehab. He was not willing to admit to his drinking being a problem. We had no income so we went to the department of social services and started getting public assistance and food stamps. They gave us $250 a month for food stamps and $400 a month for our bills! I was forced to work 30 hours a week at a church to "earn" this help. Steve got out of doing the working part because he had a drinking problem. After about 2 weeks of working for this church I landed a job at a hotel doing housekeeping. It wasn't much but still added up to be more money all around than the assistance we were getting. Steve didn't like me working and this was motivation enough for him to get a job, hence making it hard for me to get to mine therefore I had to quit. His jobs came and went, most of the time he would be fired for being late or not showing up. He started working for this bottle and can return, he loved it there it was a 9 to 5 job, he was able to smoke and drink on the job! I hated every second of it! He would get home about 5:30 PM and he would start screaming and yelling straight through till 2 or 3 AM sometimes! The whole time he would claim he didn't drink anything. One time I remember really well was the night before thanksgiving, I had made him a nice thanksgiving dinner but the pie I made got ruined when I opened an upper cabinet and the salt fell out from it onto the pie, the spout was open. Steve came home, excited that I had made him such a big dinner, then he went to put salt on his food and found that the salt was dumped he started a rant! He went on for at least an hour about how he looked forward to salt on his food, then another hour about the pie, then how I was a horrible mom, eventually started about how he was picked on in high school! A half hour into this part he started throwing things! He began blaming me for his high school torture! Soon started telling me that as soon as I slept he was going to take my son and I would never see him again! Sometime around 2AM he sat down and passed out, I called my parents and asked them to come get me, when I told them that Steve was sleeping they said to go into the baby's room and stay by him, they would come get me first thing in the morning. So I grabbed a blanket and a pillow, I went into my sons room and curled up on the floor against the door with the phone in my hand. The next day as promised at 7 AM my parents came and got me and the baby, we went to my grandmother's house as we always did for thanksgiving. I cried the whole day. When I got home around 8PM that night he was crying at my feet making promise after promise that it would never happen again. I am going to make a guess and say that less than a month later Steve was drunk again I had come up with a plan, I would sleep through his rants! This prevented the fights and often made him pass out faster. I was in bed sleeping I don't even know what time it was when I woke up. I woke up because I couldn't breathe! I was choking... something was on top of me and I was chocking. My first thought was "I'm gonna die! Who will take care of my baby?!" the second thought was "quit being a wimp and fight this!" So I started moving my hands and arms around and realized then exactly what was going on. My husband was raping me and in the midst of it all was choking me! I couldn't believe this is what was happening, I thought for sure it must be a dream. As I began to struggle against him I could hear his laughing! I began to lose function, it was becoming harder and harder to fight back. I relaxed my whole body took a deep breath in and with every ounce of strength I had in me I pushed against him. I don't know if I shocked him or if I really over powered him but he jumped up off me. He stood beside the bed as I crawled off the end he yelled to me as I ran past him out the bedroom door. He yelled one more time "Im sorry, I was sleeping!" I went into my sons room and I laid awake pressed up against the door and cried as silently as I could making sure I didn't wake my son. I never really trusted him again, I NEVER forgave him for what he did, I slept in my son's room for many months to come. Every night around 12 - 1 AM I would sneak in his room and sleep on his floor. This went on for months! I have to stop here for now, I will pick up again tomorrow as soon as I can! To be continued....

part 3 is posted. Its kinda short, I have an appointment this morning but I will write more tonight before bed too! hope you enjoy

For a while I slept in my son's room on the floor at night while druing the day I worked on trying to repair my marriage. We talked to a pastor from our church, Steve worked on his drinking problems, began going to rehab. Things really started looking better. He still hadnt settled everything with the courts, the events happened so close together but in different towns so they were fighting over which town to actually have the case in. Meanwhile Steve returned home from court one night saying that he got a conditional license out of the deal. This was great because this allowed him to go back to work at the airport! He used his sisters car to go to work, he and I had been working very hard on our relationship and I began sleeping in the same room as him again. Shortly after he went back to work at the airport I found out I was pregnant. We were excited, we wanted another baby so this was a great thing. The way I saw it, Steve was at his best right after the first baby so a second baby might snap things back in place. It was a week after we told everyone that we were pregnant I woke up in the morning with cramps, I went to the bathroom and I was spotting slightly. I went to the doctors right away. The doctor did some blood work and explained that I needed to come back on Mon for more bloodwork, it was too early for them to do anything but wait. (This was on a Thurs.) That whole weekend was horrible, I spent most of the time crying, the rest of the time reading and researching. My son and I were home alone, I was online reading about miscarriages and my son was about 3 feet from me in a rocking chair watching veggie tales on tv. He went to lean forward to get his sippy cup that was on the stand in front of him, his legs were too short to reach the floor and the chair toppled over slaming his head into the stand! He didnt cry or anything. I grabbed the chair and pulled it back and he stood up turned to me, his eye rolled back in his head and he like twisted and fell to the floor! I went into a total panic, I first called my sister... I don't know why I called her and not 911 I guess out of panic. She called 911 and within 5 minutes there were EMT's at my house. One tending to my son the other tending to me. We went to the ER and he was all checked out turned out to be just fine! Thank God! When Steve returned to work he ended up being fired for leaving work without telling anyone! He fought this and won. Things were alright, not good, not great but they were okay. At this point in my life I was asking God why. Why would He allow all of this to happen to someone like me. I was a good person, good heart, I followed Him daily. It didnt seem fair. That was when my mother called me crying, she had been to the doctors and after testing and many appointments they had determined she had breast cancer! To shorten some of this story I wrap this 3 year struggle up in a quick paragraph. She had a lumpectomy, only to have many infections that followed, one putting her in the hospital for 2 weeks. so her doctor suggested that she undergo a mastecomy. When this was decided she asked that they not leave extra skin for reconstructive surgery because she didnt want to do that. Well they left the skin any way. So she went ahead and did reconstructive surgery. She chose to do the free tram option, using her own body material to make the new breast. This was a very long recovery and not without complications. All of these troubles with my mom stretched out over a year and a half. Steve was supportive during this time, he was still drinking and still fighting with me from time to time. In December I was served with papers from my landlord saying we were evicted and to appear in court just before Christmas. I had no idea that we owed on rent! Apparently we hadnt paid our rent in almost a year!!! So my parents took us in. My parents lived in a 6 bedroom old farmhouse. We lived upstairs in this house. I set up on bedroom as a livingroom, one as a bedroom for my son and one as a bedroom for us. The rest of the rooms upstairs were used as storage. When we first moved into my parents Steve worked for the airport, and shortly after there was an accident with a plane that was being moved from one hanger to another. The chalks that were used to keep the planes from moving once they were parked were missing from a plane in the hanger. This caused over 1.7 million dollars worth of damage. At which point the company my husband worked for started an investigation, during this investigation they came to realize he had been lying this whole time about the judge giving him a conditional license! He still had no license!! So to say the least he was fired. This lead him to drinking even more often. Because we were not supportive of his drinking he would sneak it. He would borrow money from his mom and tell her it was for food or something for our son then he would go and buy a 30pk and hide it in the woods. He eventually got a job as a line cook at this place down the road. Instead of going to work he would just go to the store, buy beer and hang out in the woods his whole shift drinking. He would go to AA meetings and come back drunk! It was unreal. Sorry I have a doctor appointment... to be continued.....

Last night I wrote a whole long blog and as I went to post it there was an error and it was lost! Today I have a completely different train of thought so I am going to go with that. I am feeling lead to share about my previous marriage, I have had a few people email me about my story and tell me some of theirs and I really feel that my story may help others get motivated to change the things they need to change in their own life. This story will be in many parts, if I were to sit here and type the whole thing in one blog it would take days! When I was 14 years old I met a boy who we will call Steve. Steve had the bad boy image, he had long hair, kind of a grunge look, very rebellious! He was 17 years old, but that was fine with me, most of the boys I dated were older. I spent the whole summer of 1995 hanging out with him, he was great! Towards the end of the summer I found out he liked to smoke pot, and drop acid. I am totally against drug use of all kind, so I told him if that was the way he rolled I had to take a different road. We agreed that I had to take a different road. We remained friends. About 7 months went by since I broke things off with him, I had a new boyfriend that I was hanging around with. Steve was jealous of this and he agreed to change his ways for me. Being that I was a very young girl, this impressed me that he was willing to change for ME?! So I fell for it. In the time we were apart he had tried to kill himself when he was high, he took a jack knife to his arm, he cut himself to the bone! like a 5 inch long cut down his forearm, right to the bone. I lead him to church and got him saved. He was a changed man! Very respectful, looked out for me all the time, plus he had a car so he was able to come over whenever I wanted him to. This was nice, I fell hard and fast for him. He was amazing! In March of 1997 my sister passed away due to a drinking and driving accident, worst time of my life! Steve was there for me, when every other friend didn't know what to say, his arms were open wide and he was just there for me. This bonded me to him like nothing else, I knew then I would walk through hell's fires for this man. In 1999 I was finishing up high school so I had a part time job at a gas station. I was working closing shift and waiting for Steve to come pick me up from work when I got a phone call from a lady up the street she said my boyfriend had asked her to call me, he had been in a bad car accident and was being taken to the hospital. My co-worker took me to the accident so I could go with him. A friend of mine worked for the fire dept and he pulled me aside, he said that Steve wasn't in too bad of shape but he had been drinking, there were open containers all over the road! Steve hit and drove up a telephone pole, flipped his car end over end! He had to have 10 stitches in his head, 15 in his hand other than that he was just sore! In may 2000 he and I got married. I was the only one working, he had lost his job just before we got married. He had a history of losing work, but he was always pretty good at finding work right after. In June of 2000 I found out I was pregnant! I stopped working sometime in Aug, I had so many little complications that I was in and out of the doctors all the time and it was only a matter of time before they were going to let me go any way. Steve got a job working at the airport, he was working on the grounds crew, he would park airplanes and re-fuel them and such. He really enjoyed his job. Everything went well for us until I was about 7 months pregnant, Steve started hanging out with some of our neighbors who were less than decent. He would go there to borrow a tool, return 4 hours later drunk and high! One night he did this, he came back home. He stumbled through the house, flopped on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees, he leaned his head on his hands and just started to drool... all over my floor! He began to vomit but without force, it was the most disturbing thing I had seen to this point. This went on for hours, he eventually passed out. The next day I woke him up nice and early, I had him help me dump every ounce of liquor, beer, and wine we had down the drain. I declared that unless it were a holiday there would be no more drinking! It worked! There was no drinking, he didn't come home drunk from the neighbors house, in fact he rarely visited them after that. It was good! I had my son on Feb 15th 2001, he was healthy, I was healthy and life at this time, was PERFECT! I am going to stop there for now, I need to get some housework done and set the baby down for his nap then I will return and try and get some more of this story out. I am sorry it's so long, but I feel in order for you to understand why I did what I did you really need to know the smaller details before I reveal the larger ones. To be continued......

sorry! I got sidetracked yesterday, more to come this evening!! lol

I am sure I do not stand alone when I say to you, we are here for you! It wasn't always this way, I didn't used to have a supportive husband. In fact I come from a 10 year marriage where support was the last thing I would expect. My oldest three children are from my first husband, he was a drunk and drug abuser. My oldest son, the one I speak of in this blog was my ex husbands biggest fan. How heart breaking when he found out the truth and still to this day finds out more and more. I am going to add you as a friend... there is much much more to my story that I haven't even gotten to touch yet in my blogs and I think... well I hope you may benefit from it. Please, any time you need someone to vent to, to listen to you, someone who wont judge, someone for support... call on me!

We made it to the circus last night and I am happy to announce, no one stepped in elephant poop! (Thank the good Lord above for that) The kids had such a great time, it was a really good show! I haven't been to the circus in many years, it was great to see the reaction on my children's faces when they saw the many wonders of the circus world! Its moments like these that we live for. Speaking of moments like these, today was the first of many baseball games for my kids! My oldest son played his very first baseball game today! I know this may not seem like that big of deal to some. I actually cried! (laugh it off, its ok ... go ahead and laugh, I'll wait) My oldest son when he was only 3 years old was diagnosed with autism. He didn't talk much before the age of 6 years, to say the least we have come a long way! Here he is 12 years old and one of the most amazing kids you would ever meet, believe me I am not just saying that because he is mine. He played an amazing basketball season helping his team come into 2nd place out of the whole season (missing first place by 1 game). I had to talk him into trying baseball, I thought it would be a good way for him to spend his extra time during the spring, and it might help him unwind from basketball. Since 2 minutes after his last basketball game he has been dying to play again. My family is very complicated, my children are a lot of work. That was the nice way of saying, my kids are out of control! It is very rare I will take all four children some place without my husbands help, and the same for him. Each of the kids have sensory issues and it can really be a very stressful event to do on your own. Today my sons first game was going to be at 9am and it was a half hour away! He needs to be there by 8:30. My husband has to work at 8 am. So this means? I am doing this alone! My mother did take the youngest which was a big help, I took the twins with me. I found out during basketball season that dum dums will keep them still and quiet, however you do pay for it since if my son has a half a gram of sugar he will bounce for at LEAST 3 hours! The next best option is Nintendo DS! I set them up with that, me up with my camera and it was peaceful! During the second inning my son, my pride and joy, my Trevor came up to the plate to bat! I was so excited and scared for him. I thought to myself "oh God, what if he misses?" just then the pitcher threw his first ball, "STRIKE!" I said a little prayer "Dear Lord above, please, please for all that is holy let this boy hit that ball just once today!" I saw my son (5 foot 11 inches, 195 pound power house) step into the batters box again and he raised his bat, perfect stance! Here comes the pitch.... and CRACK! There goes the ball!!! I stood to my feet, screamed and yelled and literally cried like a baby! (the tears are coming back as I re-live this event now) every fan sitting there cheered for MY boy! At least 4 or 5 mothers came to me during and after the game to express how amazed they were by his hit! MY son is amazing! Tomorrow we begin our t-ball season with the twins. I can hardly wait!! My daughter is very devoted to baseball. She spent over 2 hours hitting off the tee without direction the other day. When I asked her what she was up to her response was "duh, I'm working on my swing mom!" As for Ethan, her twin brother, he would rather be playing in the dirt and that is where I expect to see him most of the game tomorrow. I can hardly wait! Now for a quick update on myself. Ive had a lot of heart to heart talks with my husband about my surgery, my journey and I have come to realize that he is my biggest and strongest rock! I will do all of this with grace as long as I have him by my side. I have one really awesome, amazing, and loving man for a husband! And together, we got this! Today Aunt Flo visits, which is so crappy since yesterday my scale read 300.0 which I know 100% without a doubt today it would have been 299! Since I started my period, I wont even breathe in the direction of my scale for the next 3 days. Sigh - the joys of being a woman! On that note, I am going to hop off from here and go make up some yummy bbq for my family.. going to have grilled chicken, I myself am skipping the pasta salad and going to go green instead, then I have a really yummy sugar free strawberry cheesecake cobbler to enjoy after! Bring on the warm beautiful weather. I love my family, I wouldn't be anything without them, and Im coming to realize, they wouldn't be much without me either... self worth, turns out that's pretty important!

I loved reading this post! I love it when people can come up in front of everyone and be like "look, I messed up a bit, but that's what makes me human" great job!

hello myla and welcome. I too just began this journey and can relate to the quitting smoking stuff... I smoked for more years than Id like to admit, recently quit honestly - I miss smoking but because I have finally cut myself from it I could never go back. I will say quitting was easier than I thought once I realized it was a mind over matter issue. Any way I wanted to wish you well and say congrats on making the choices you needed to make to live a longer healthier life for you and your family!!

I recently made a list of all of the things that I may be able to do when I lose vs. what I can do now! Its unreal.... my saying used to be "I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable" my question is why have I ever settled for either?! Times ARE changing! you go girl, you got this - I can tell

Today I shall begin to document my progress. Today I am going to give you all some information about myself and vow to stop by at least every Thurs from here on out and give an update. To start with allow me to introduce myself! My name is Reena, I am from upstate New York, I live and love the country! I am currently 32 years old and the mother of 4 beautiful children. My oldest child is 12 years old, he is 5'11" 180# and autistic. My pride meter went through the roof this year for this child, he has been on honor roll all school year! I am very proud of him. Besides his wonderful grades he also plays saxophone, and drums. He has recently gotten into sports, played basketball and just started up playing baseball. I love seeing his progress, a child who at 5 years old, didn't talk... is now on high honor roll! The next in line would be my twins. I have a set of twins, boy and girl. They are 6 1/2 years old. My son is the older of the two (by a whole minute), he is also a special needs child, he plays baseball and LOVES school! He is an amazing young man, I call him my lil runt because he is much smaller than his sister and has always needed a lil more protection than the rest of the group. After him would be his twin sister, She is our little princess! She is beyond spoiled by nature, a beautiful young lady, long dark hair, large blue eyes, eye lashes all women would die for! Shes tall and very thin! Oh and the brain of her! Shes awful smart. My youngest child is 2 1/2, which is very hard for me to believe! Each of my children are very special to me, the youngest holds a very special place in my heart for many reasons, to start with he was born on my 30th birthday! He is the only child I share with my current husband, and of course, he is the youngest ... his older siblings spoil him rotten! But what a sweet young man he is! I am currently into my second marriage... my first was with a boy/man I met when I was 14 years old. I dated him for about 5 years and we were married a year after I finished high school. Within 2 years of the marriage he developed a drinking problem, 3 or 4 years in he also developed a drug problem... these situations left me and my children homeless a few times, often with no food or no money to pay bills, no car ect. I went through about 10 years of that when I finally woke up one morning and as I was getting ready for work I told him I wanted a divorce. I have tried my best from that day to do nothing but move forward! I started dating my current husband the fall of 2009, we were married june of 2012. He and I are very happy with the life we have built together. Although I still have to deal with my ex husband from time to time, it is pretty limited between his time in the county jail for stealing ect. So about a year and a half ago I came to the decision that I need to continue to better my life and I should start with bettering my health. I started my WL journey at this point. It hasn't gone very well lol! When I began, I weighed 252#... I currently tipped my scale at 305#! So heres what happened. I went to my PCP for over a year, he had me on prescription WL pills and diets ect. I didn't loose, I didn't gain either. He suggested I talk to a WLS. I went through the seminar, went to my first appointment in November 2012. After talking to him I had come to the conclusion that this was the road for me! at that time I was 281#. He told me if I want to continue I MUST quit smoking for 6 months in order for him to do the surgery!... UGH!!!!!!!! I have smoked for 21 years! But I want a happier, healthier life for me and my kids... wouldn't that include smoking? Yes, yes it would. So I got myself in the mind set and I said good bye to smoking! I may have said good bye to smoking, but in turn I said hello to 25#! Now I am busting my tail to get rid of my "I quit smoking so I gained a bunch of weight" weight! Ive lowered my calories to about 1200 a day, drinking water, doing at least 45 mins of some kind of workout each day, which is very hard for me lately because Ive had a sinus infection from hell! I will wrap this up because I need to get some housework done before the kids get home. Today.. today I make the choice to tune out the negative around me, to make great choices for the foods I give my body (and my mind)! To hug my children just a little longer than I did yesterday! I welcome me to the loser's bench, may I be here a long, long time!