READY4CHANGE2013

Okay...so.... I have been HORRIBLE about the pre-op diet. Was supposed to start 7 days in advance. Cheated my way through the first three days, including one of my "old" binges, i.e., eat carbs until stomach hurts then go sleep it off in a food coma. I got on the "real" diet 2 days ago and IT DOES GET EASIER just like you guys told me! I actually feel pretty darn good this morning. Now...the caveat is the usual caveat on my blog...I'm always better in the morning. Still....this is huge progress. Also, all smoking cravings are gone and I'm not using any nicotine replacement (didn't want to get addicted to the gum - lol)!
 
Another part of my experience that I thought I would share for those of you who are behind me in this process... As surgery gets closer, I actually am getting calmer. The 3 weeks prior to now, once I had my date, were pretty miserable. I truly went through a 3 week grieving period where I binged on foods and felt completely out of control -- all the worst parts of my food addiction. Spree, remorse, spree, remorse. I think it was a combination of two things: (1) the food funeral/electric chair eating effect; and (2) my nerves about the surgery (i.e., was I doing the right thing for the right reasons, was I really ready to change my entire life - quit smoking, quit soda, quit alcohol, and quit abusing food all at once??, would I be able to stick with my resolutions when in the past I never did, etc. etc. (these thoughts went on and on...). My pre-surgery craziness made me question again whether I was really ready for this. Now that I'm 2 days from surgery, it all feels bearable and I feel calm and confident.
 
I will re-post this so that I can hear it again... I am not doing this for cosmetic reasons. This is not a vanity surgery. This is a necessary surgery to allow me the chance at a long, full life with my children. Even though my BMI is "only" 35 and I'm "only" 40, I have significant co-morbidities: sleep apnea, high cholesterol, PCOS, orthopedic issues. These will only get worse with time. And...as important to me.... I am SO EXHAUSTED from the food insanity. I spent so much time planning what I was going to eat, eating what I was going to eat, hiding what I was going to eat, feeling guilty about what I ate, trying to "make up" for what I ate by starving myself -- which started the whole insane process all over again with another binge. Although I know that this surgery isn't a magic bullet and that my head is going to have to change along with my habits, but I also believe that this is the first step toward sanity.
 
Finally, for others who are Friends of Bill W., I will tell you that my program is really helping with this process. I remind myself that the 2nd step says that it is going to restore me to sanity. I keep repeating that. Take the action (the surgery), work the steps (my program), and be RESTORED TO SANITY. Now THAT is something to look forward to.... To me, this is even better than the 9th step promises!
 
Okay...scrambling to finish up projects at work so I can have a little peace during recovery.
 
Love to all,
Angela

Day of surgery: I pop out of bed at 6:30 am because I am SO excited to get this over with. My sister drives me to the surgery center. I ask my surgeon again what are the chances that I'm going to die. My surgeon smiles and says he has done over 5,000 of these and he's never lost a patient. That helps some. I still beg for some "chill out" meds. They give me some and all seems okay. Then, the mask and that's all I remember until waking up in recovery.
 
Recovery: I woke up feeling very sore where the biggest incision is. I had to move from the surgery bed to a wheel chair to get me down to the outpatient recovery center. That sucked. I remember thinking, "This is not do-able." But it passed. I was ready to walk pretty quickly.
 
Nighttime: I got no sleep, but it wasn't bad. The nurse kept coming in to check my vital signs and I was vigilant about pressing my morphine button. I feel about morphine about the same way I felt about the epidural when my kids were born. They don't give out a medal for extra suffering...!
 
Day one post-op: The soreness increases some but it is manageable. Also, I am drinking water and ice chips at a quicker rate than I should be. Nurse tells me to slow down. The dreaded pulling out of the drain turns out to be not that big of a deal. At this point, before leaving the hospital, I feel pretty darn good.
 
Day one post-op once I get home. Things get a little dicey here. I find I can't hardly drink any water and I'm burping all the time. I vomit once. Then I crawl back in bed. Later, went to Target just to walk around some. Now, trying to get some more water in (I should say Crystal Light). Also, I'm on psych meds (Celexa and Lamictal). Doc says I can start taking them right away when I get home. I crush them and take them. I think it added some to my upset stomach, but for me it's totally worth it because I can't imagine having a full blown panic attack at this juncture!
 
Also, I'll add this because I worried whether it was normal: My stomach is WAY swollen. I look like I am 6 mos pregnant. I haven't lost any weight since I got home. From what I hear, this is fairly normal so I'm not going to freak out about it. I mean, seriously, I just had 80% of my stomach removed - my body has to be in shock. Still... the bloating/swollen feeling is yucky (I'm way less concerned with the weight loss at this point - the weight will come off -- it has to given what I'm (not) eating!
 
My biggest complaint: the burping, which makes me feel like I might vomit. Also, the soreness. The best way to describe it is like the pain you would get after doing a million sit ups. But, again, all-in-all, not too bad.
 
IF I CAN DO THIS, YOU GUYS CAN DO THIS TOO!!!!
 
I'll check in with Day 2 post-op tomorrow!

Today was a girls day out.....and we scrapbook together......I brought my meals....I'm still on full liquids.....and thought I'd be all set......then dinner was brought out..........total head hunger.......
 
I nearly reasoned that I could have a bite if I chewed it very, very well. Note: I've had this dinner before....it's not that great LOL But I still wanted it.............desperately..........and no, I wasn't hungry.....haven't been hungry since being sleeved.
 
I sipped my protein drink.....still wanted the dinner..........so I left the room and called my hubby........You're probably sick of me saying this, but I've come to far to screw this up.............After taking a walk, chatting with hubby, I was able to put this behind me.....just needed a distraction to focus on.
 
We've heard it before......and it's worth repeating.......whatever struggles we experienced before surgery, we will have them afterwards......and they need to be worked on/addressed.......the sleeve is only a tool, not a magic wand..
 
I'm glad I didn't give in to my old habit "a bite won't hurt".

This morning I weigh 99.8 pounds less than I did before I started my journey (roughly 1 year ago, with surgery in October 2012). I wasnt' going to post until it was an even 100. But I thought, .2 lbs...really? You're going to let that stop you from celebrating this milestone? No way!
 
I wish I had this surgery 10 years ago. I feel fabulous, both physically and mentally. I still make mistakes and continue to learn. I'm able to stick to plan 95% of the time.
 
For those who are riding the fence, I can tell you that this is the BEST thing I have ever done for myself. I know it will be a lifelong journey battling my issues with weight, but I finally feel like it's a fair fight.

It's been a busy few weeks. The week before last, I was out at Camp Keystone in Starke, FL for our youth Junior Soldier Camp. I had a great week of walking and enjoying nature as well as getting a good meal 3x's a day with the choice of salad as a meal in itself or something to go along with my meal. I did well and ate what I knew I could and kept away from a lot of what I knew I couldn't. I was proud of myself as I began to take my Calcium Citrate pills again (for the first time in almost a year) that week and now I am able to take them faithfully! Last week I came home to my Day Camp Kids and felt so glad to be back. While I was away though I had many moments to think about what is going on with me and to admit some things. I kept reflecting on my "Desires". Coming back home I thought that I'd be ready to get right in there and go after those things that I wanna start focusing on...nope, it's actually a greater struggle. I have to pray often and consider what will help me change the mindset that I am stuck and can't move forward. It's almost as if I need someone to take me by the hand, grab my running shoes, put my buds in my ears and go until I sweat to death! Why do I need someone to do that for me when I was the one that got me to where I needed to be in the first place? Why do I need someone to challenge me to do something that I have always been able to do on my own? Why can't I get up and get motivated to go to the gym? Why can't I do all that on my own anymore? Why doesn't it matter as much as it had before? Why haven't I been able to make this a huge priority in my life anymore? I keep asking these questions and I know that I won't see the answers or the results until I am 100% completely ready. But here I am, I am at the point of desire to do something better for myself...to fight the struggle...to beat the wanna and just do it! I know that initially I had a wonderful support system; I had my team of Doctors, Surgeons, Nurses, Dieticians, therapists, friends and family. I now have an anxiety med, a great distance between my family (a sister that I moved here to be near and haven't seen in almost a year now due to her own life's circumstances) and almost a year and a half without working out when I had been doing it up to 75 minutes daily. Where is the joy that I had? Where's the love of a new life gone? I need it back!!! I need the desire back!!! I have had lots of time to process all of this and lately it has been heavy on my heart. I need to find the right person, the perfect scenery and make it to my destination...rejoicing together along the drive. So I pray tonight, I pray for the person God has planned just for me, the place to enjoy and the results to show the best I can possibly be. It is my desire, a strong, deep desire, to be back on track physically. I lay it at the altar Lord, I leave it before You...striving for Holiness, moving from the burden of the sin to accept staying where I'm at to the reality of what is right and what I need to do to feel better. Holiness is my desire...

I have 33 more pounds to go to goal!!! 135 ---> COMING TO GET YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO