Desire

It's been a busy few weeks. The week before last, I was out at Camp Keystone in Starke, FL for our youth Junior Soldier Camp. I had a great week of walking and enjoying nature as well as getting a good meal 3x's a day with the choice of salad as a meal in itself or something to go along with my meal. I did well and ate what I knew I could and kept away from a lot of what I knew I couldn't. I was proud of myself as I began to take my Calcium Citrate pills again (for the first time in almost a year) that week and now I am able to take them faithfully! Last week I came home to my Day Camp Kids and felt so glad to be back. While I was away though I had many moments to think about what is going on with me and to admit some things. I kept reflecting on my "Desires". Coming back home I thought that I'd be ready to get right in there and go after those things that I wanna start focusing on...nope, it's actually a greater struggle. I have to pray often and consider what will help me change the mindset that I am stuck and can't move forward. It's almost as if I need someone to take me by the hand, grab my running shoes, put my buds in my ears and go until I sweat to death! Why do I need someone to do that for me when I was the one that got me to where I needed to be in the first place? Why do I need someone to challenge me to do something that I have always been able to do on my own? Why can't I get up and get motivated to go to the gym? Why can't I do all that on my own anymore? Why doesn't it matter as much as it had before? Why haven't I been able to make this a huge priority in my life anymore? I keep asking these questions and I know that I won't see the answers or the results until I am 100% completely ready. But here I am, I am at the point of desire to do something better for myself...to fight the struggle...to beat the wanna and just do it! I know that initially I had a wonderful support system; I had my team of Doctors, Surgeons, Nurses, Dieticians, therapists, friends and family. I now have an anxiety med, a great distance between my family (a sister that I moved here to be near and haven't seen in almost a year now due to her own life's circumstances) and almost a year and a half without working out when I had been doing it up to 75 minutes daily. Where is the joy that I had? Where's the love of a new life gone? I need it back!!! I need the desire back!!! I have had lots of time to process all of this and lately it has been heavy on my heart. I need to find the right person, the perfect scenery and make it to my destination...rejoicing together along the drive. So I pray tonight, I pray for the person God has planned just for me, the place to enjoy and the results to show the best I can possibly be. It is my desire, a strong, deep desire, to be back on track physically. I lay it at the altar Lord, I leave it before You...striving for Holiness, moving from the burden of the sin to accept staying where I'm at to the reality of what is right and what I need to do to feel better. Holiness is my desire...