Scorpio Girl

Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they are afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it is much easier to procrastinate and live on the 'someday I'll' philosophy.” Denis Waitley
 
 
 
I've often asked myself "What is it you're afraid of?" This is a scary question, because once asked, there is an implied responsibility to change something in our lives. Identifying what scares us can be difficult. One tool my counselor gave me was that after every response, I was to ask myself "Why" until I got to the point I had identified the root cause. In business we called this "drilling down" and it can truly be gut wrenching and painful.
 
An example of a root cause analysis might go like this:
*Why can't I lose weight? I eat more calories than I expend. Why? I'm always hungry. Why? I don't even think about how I feel. Why? I feel uncomfortable and want to eat when I think about how I feel. Why? I don't know how to change. Why? I haven't learned how to change the way I eat. Why? I'm afraid I will fail.
 
Root cause: fear of learning how to eat properly and take personal responsibility for success or failure.
 
This "personal responsibilty" issue is a big one. Many of us have been victims of abuse, neglect, crimes, etc. When we continue to live in the "victim suit", we give our abuser our power. We do this because we haven't faced the reality that someone we trusted and loved hurt us. Facing that reality can be more painful than living as a victim, or so we think. When we face the facts and hold our abuser responsible, there is a big shift in power and responsibility. We take ownership of our actions, feelings and well being and we give the guilt and responsibility for the abuse back where it belongs, with the person who hurt us. Sitting in a chair and telling a therapist that your mother didn't protect you from a predatory male in your family can be one of the most painful truths to acknowledge. The person who was responsible for nurturing, protecting, putting you ahead of herself, did not. I know, I've done it, it hurt like hell.
 
Once we acknowledge our truth, whatever it is, we take back the power to change our lives. We first work on the thoughts, the negative self-talk. Practice telling yourself that you are worth it, you are powerful, you will change one thing at a time. Maybe, this week, you give up one carb loaded treat you think you enjoy (I say think, because often we don't really enjoy them...it's a habit, not a pleasure). Next is the action step: Just do it! Throw it away if you have it in the house, then buy something healthy to eat as a substitute. Maybe you're the type of person who does it cold turkey...rid the house of ALL processed foods and beverages. Think of the power you take in doing this! Imagine yourself eating healthy nutritious foods and taking control of your own life. Action steps are the key in this process. WE CANNOT CHANGE ANYTHING WITHOUT A VERB. I think I can turns into I will when we add the action step.
 
My band journey, though not as long-lived as I would have liked, has been this type of process. I WANTED to lose weight, but I took no ACTION that would result in me losing weight. When I went on Medicare Disability, the opportunity to make this change became available and I jumped on it. I started calling different hospitals and WLS clinics to see if they accepted Medicare...that was a tough one. Finally, a really kind person at the University Hospital directed me to another local hospital who she knew took medicare for lapband or RNY. When I called to make an appointment, they got me in within a week. I took action. I took the power. I took personal responsibilty for my success.
 
I wouldn't say my weight loss journey was easy...it's had it challenges. My band was the perfect tool for me, keeping me free of hunger for 4-6 hours after a very small meal. Even empty, I'm rarely hungry. Losing my band and not being able to revise is extremely scary...I need to ask myself WHY.
 
Here we go again....

Another week down...
 
Well I finally called my doctor this week after getting my approval letter for a fill. Its so strange ... I'm excited, but so nervous at the same time Its been three years since my last fill... and if you read my profile ... you know why this is a little nerve racking. I scheduled my appointment for Thursday afternoon, but I hope this will be a better experience
 
On the bright side this week... I am down another 3 lbs.. but I really had to work for it. I really enjoy zumba and hip hop ... with the aid of my sweat belt. I worked out three times this week. I would like to increase it ... pending everyday life crisises.
 
Things I still need to work on:
 
- drinking more water
- increase protein
- less carbs
- monitor sodium (makes me balloon up)
 
Thought for the week ...
Rather than aiming for being perfect, just aim to be little bit better today than you were yesterday.

I was doing better...medication for IBSc is working, I was able to eat without issue and Friday night without warning I found myself having a hard time. My daughter made lasagna, I took a small piece, didn't eat the noodles, so probably had a half cup of sauce, cheese and lean chicken Italian sausage. I stopped eating because I realized I was uncomfortable. Not full, not stuck, just slightly uncomfortable and a bit nauseous. After about a half hour, up it all came. By then I was in real pain...a burning feeling and I started having pain at my port area. Since then, I've had continuous discomfort and I'm on a soft/liquid diet.
I emailed my band doctor and requested an appointment to discuss my options for removal/revision. I feel defeated...I really thought I was going to get to keep my band.

So, you're going to have weight loss surgery. If you've never had surgery, the experience might be a bit more traumatic than it was for those of us who've had multiple surgeries of varying types.
 
Here's what to expect:Usually, the first thing is the IV. The IV tech will start a line with saline, to insure you're hydrated and there's a vehicle, so to speak to carry the drugs you'll be given before, during and after your surgery. It doesn't really hurt...I've had them in the back of the hand and inside the elbow. Each bag of saline is about a liter (over two pounds) and this weight will show on your scale for some time. Don't freak out about this...
 
Usually the anesthesiologist will come in and introduce themselves, ask some questions and tell you what they're going to do in the OR. This person is fully responsible for keeping you alive during surgery. They ventilate you, regulate your BP; this is the most important person to you in the OR.The surgeon usually comes by too, to reassure you, ask a few questions, before going into the OR.
 
Once you go to OR, they'll usually have you scoot onto the table off the gurney, make sure your comfortable and then proceed with anesthesia. First, you'll be given 100% oxygen and told to take some deep breaths. Take as deep of breaths as you can, since this O2 is what sustains you while being intubated. Once you've taken the breaths, you get another drug to make you "sleep" followed by a drug that basically paralyzes your abdominal and breathing muscles (pretty much all muscles, but the heart). You'll quickly be intubated and put on a ventilator for life support. The entire process is completed in less than a minute.
 
When you wake up, you'll be very groggy, want to go back to sleep and you may be uncomfortable. Tell the recovery nurse if you're hurting. You might be nauseous from anesthesia. Tell the nurse. Anti nausea drugs can be given thru the IV. After your vitals are stable and you're alert, you'll go to another room to recover. Sometimes, if you're doing great or if your hospital has this protocol, you'll be discharged straight from the day surgery recovery without being moved to a room.
 
For the trip home, you should have loose fitting pajama bottoms, a warm top, robe or sweatshirt, socks and slippers. You'll also want a pillow to put under the seatbelt in the car. You'll want a barf bag too, just in case for a day or two.
 
Once home, you'll be most comfortable in a recliner, though I slept in my bed the first night, on my side facing the edge of the bed. Practice getting in and out of bed without using your abs before surgery. It will hurt, it won't kill you. I've had open abdominal surgery and lap surgery, while still painful, cannot hold a candle to open abdominal surgery. You will live.
 
To get up do the following:
Roll onto your side
Use your elbow to push upHave someone rotate your legs and feet to floor
Push off with your hand to get fully upright...wait a minute to make sure you're not dizzy
Stand with assistance. Wait a minute to ensure you're not going to faint.
Reverse to get into bed.
Always, for the first couple of days, have someone with you whenever you get up or down and while walking.
 
I cannot emphasize enough that your discharge orders and doctor's diet, hydration and exercise orders should be followed EXACTLY. If you have a question, call your doctor. Don't post here. If you get a fever or can't drink water at all, call your doctor immediately. Nausea should subside within 8-24 hours. If it doesn't and you need a medication for it, call your doctor. Do not post here until after you've called the doctor and please state that you have called so we don't all tell you to call your doctor.
 
Another thing...definitions:
Clear liquid means you can see through it
Full liquid is things like runny cream of wheat, puréed cream soups, protein shakes. NO LUMPS.
Mushies or Purees is the consistency of baby food. No chunks., no lumps. Smooth is your friend.
As you progress to solids, remember that babies don't go from puréed baby food to a NY steak in one day. Hopefully you practiced your new eating habits for a couple of months pre op to establish them as your new lifestyle. Transitioning from purees to solids is a gradual thing. Add a little finely ground turkey to a puréed food at first. Add ONE new food per day. After you tolerate ground meat, poached eggs, tuna salad, egg salad, etc, you can try cutting your food into 1/4" pieces and chewing 15-25 times per bite.
 
Initially you won't get many calories in...500-700 calories, focusing on protein. You'll gradually get up to 900-1000 or more depending on your needs, per your nutritionist or doctor. Drink your water as directed too.The first weeks post op aren't for losing weight. You might not lose anything, but most people will lose the IV weight and a pound or two a week. Once you're on solids, your weight will go up a pound or two...filling the intestinal pipeline . This is normal.
 
Fills are not the goal with the band...they are another tool to use when your weight loss levels out and/or you're hungry less than 4 hours after eating a meal of 1/2 cup to 1 cup of dense protein and low glycemic veggies/fruits. Go easy on the fills. Being over tight is the #1 identifiable cause of band erosion and slips.Many with the band are so focused on getting fills, they don't realize until they have a little unfill, that their band can work better with less fill.
 
You can go out to eat with your band. Sharing works great. I ask for a small plate and put my food onto it immediately. I cut up everything before taking a bite. I eat very slowly and if my companion is having a glass of wine, I'll have one too, to sip as I eat. I don't do this at home, most of the time. Alcohol was not permitted for 3 months post op by my doctor. You'll get a little more tipsy on less due to abstaining for months. Your band has no affect on alcohol absorption. You probably shouldn't drink on an empty stomach, ever, band or not.
 
I hope this is informative and helpful!

Who I am now isn't so important as how I came to be this person, wife, mother, grandmother, sister. The history is what formed me, challenged me to overcome, compelled me to do better than those who came before me.
 
I was born near the mid-point of the last century, in a large western US city. My parents married because they had conceived me when my mom was 16. My birth father was 19. As it turned out, he was a violent paranoid schizophrenic and a pedophile. My mom was later Dx with Borderline Personality disorder. I won't go into detail, suffice it to say that my earliest memories are horrific. My two younger brothers and I suffered the abuse and neglect until I was 9 1/2 years old, when a neighbor girl was assaulted by my birth father, he was arrested and sent to a state psychiatric hospital for treatment. I was taken in to protective custody for four days, while my mother was investigated and cleared of complicity in my abuse. He was not allowed within 300 miles of me, upon his release, 4 years later. When I was 14, he committed suicide.
 
My mom had remarried in 1960 to a wonderful man I refer to as Dad. He earned my trust, respect and love. They had two more little boys in the two years following their marriage. My Dad died of sleep apnea in 1978, we were all devastated and heartbroken...it was the undoing of my mom and my dearest brother. My mom turned to scotch for comfort, inviting my 17 year old brother to be her drinking partner. My mom died 8 miserable years later of pancreatic cancer. Those 8 years were awful, watching my mom decline, my brothers suffer. She raged constantly, told me often that I had no idea of her pain, her suffering. She made life a living hell for her family and circle of friends. She was diagnosed and died in 12 short weeks later.
My brother died 14 years later, the victim of a predatory female who took advantage of his alcoholism, a recent injury, subbed his Rx pain Meds with extra strength Tylenol. Took him 3 weeks to die of liver failure, on our dad's birthday. My heart was broken. This brother was the first male I had in my life who loved me unconditionally. He was born when I was 11 and he was like a son to me. He was my husband's best buddy, my kids favorite uncle, everybody loved him. Yes, he was an alcoholic, very high functioning, but losing him was the saddest event of my life to date.
 
My brother has been gone for 12 years...I think of him every day. I remember my little grandkids running up to the car when I'd arrive at their house, all four of them would climb in the car hugging me, asking me "...is you sad? Did your Brubbie die? Sorry *****, usses loves you! ". They did this for months, until I finally told them I felt better because they healed my broken heart. I have 8 grandkids 6 teens, 2 in their twenties. The youngest 4 are all the same age, 3 identical girls and a boy. I am blessed.
 
Of my four siblings, two have passed. The oldest, died at age 51 as a transient. He inherited the mental illness genes and I never saw him after my mother's death. The next oldest lives in NM, his mind ravaged by years of alcohol and drug abuse. We have minimal contact thru FB. The youngest has never been able to form healthy relationships with anyone...I see him once per year when he comes to visit. He misses his big brother too. He tells me that his true home is wherever I am. I wish my mom had let me take him when he was 15 and she went on her 8 year binge.
 
So...this is my emotional history, in a nutshell. The other stuff doesn't matter, except to say that my family is healthy, successful and happy. We celebrate often, mourn together when the time comes and love and support each other faithfully. My kids have all been married to their HS sweethearts for over 20 years each. We have done better than the generation before us...the bar was low on my side, but my husband and his family were great role models. I'm thankful every day for their love, support and example. I miss them painfully.