CowgirlJane

Well, I am over 2 years out and feel just amazing! I lost more than half my body weight so I have truly transformed. Click on my profile to see before and afters... I am very grateful to Dr Landerholm and PSSC - they helped me change my life! Now, those first days and weeks are tough. sip...sip...sip... and remember it gets so much better!

I am 5'5" - I lost 150# to get to my initial goal of 158 in 14 months. The last bit I got off by switching to High Intensity Interval training for working out. Google it - it is amazing and really shifted things for me. Due to bad knees, I used a spinning bike instead of sprinting, but it got me over the goal line. I stablized at 158 for about 6 months... but gained a couple of pounds and was hanging out at about 162 due to just too many fun times last summer. I started dating... that was a learning experience on how to go "out" and not gain weight. anyway, that is when I went on 5:2 and amazingly lost down to 150 in about a month including while on vacation! I think the fact that my weight had been stable for awhile helped with that working so well. I understand that you can't do 5:2, but I am suggesting that perhaps your body needs a break from weight loss - if higher intensity working out doesn't help time might be the answer. I had plastics in October and he removed 5.5# of skin. that did not show up on the scale due to swelling and in fact I bounced up a bit in weight and took awhile to get back to 150. i am now more like 145-148 range. Anyway, I guess my main point is that goal is really just a step in the journey. Those last pounds are hard to get off and sometimes it may be your body and mind telling you where it is happy. Sometimes, switching stuff up like your exercise routine is just the ticket. I used to do food service and I bet your body is really really used to that endurance kind of thing and so more hours on the treadmill wont help. This is why I think HIIT might make a difference.

During my "getting to goal" phase - you know, the last 20-30#, i spent quality time at stores like Ross Dress for Less. i constantly bought clothes that were too big - good thing they were cheap. It was my EX who more than a year ago graced me with his presence on a shopping trip to Marshalls that encouraged me to try on the 8s.... and who knew? They fit! Those same slacks fall off me now, thanks to plastics and continued reshaping by working out... and I am more in 6s (except for a certain store which I need 2-4 which is ridiculous). Anyway, I encourage you to drop into a store like that every once in a while, be brave, try on some things that might look too small on the hanger. It is a process that takes time, but I even found taking photos of myself in those clothes helped me "believe". Now, I have a pretty good eye for what fits me. It is funny that some of my friends will say I am tiny when I know that I weigh more then they do and I am in a similar if not bigger size. I currently weigh about 145-148 range and my best friend says I look like I weigh 130 - it is smoke and mirrors and dressing for my shape. What they are responding to is #1 massive change from where I was (3X/26W) and #2 That I look fit and more or less proportionate. I have come to realize that it isn't about the size of clothes you wear, it is about your overall "look" that makes a difference. Find the shape of clothes that flatters your figure type... we are all different. I learned alot from watching "what not to wear" and then just practicing the ideas. Let me give you a specific example. My profile pic right now is taken right before heading to work cocktail party. I tried on about 30 dresses and picked one that met the appropriate catagory and that I thought was also flattering. All my girlfriends that were there were all admiring each other (I was too!). One of them said to me "I tried on that same dress and it made my butt look huge!" I immediately said, "oh no, do I look like I have a fat a$$???" They were all like..."no no no, on you, it is just curvy sexy". See, i carry more size on my upper body so something that gives me hips is curvateous where as someone who carried more weight on their lower body would not find it as flattering. I had positive comments from more than my gfriends too so I think I hit the mark on that particular purchase. I used to shy away from things that were "hippy" but they actually flatter me so who cares if it makes me look a little fuller if the overall look is better? These are the things to learn about the self and really practice with different shapes of clothing to maximize. Even now, I prefer dresses over slacks for work and alot of that is my history of needing to hide that extra belly skin which was much easier to disguise in a dress. Now that I have a flat belly I don't have that excuse, but, pants are still just fussier to fit in my opinion. I tend to like jeggings or skinny jeans and that seems to suit me pretty well. I wear boot cut for horseback riding but for going out and about... skinny jeans with boots is just a better look for me - I have heard this feedback from friends too. Anyway, dismorphia takes a long time to change, but it does eventually happen. what took even longer for me was to get over my face dismorphia. i really really really hated how my face looked after weight loss. People told me I was crazy and now... with time... I agree with them. I like how I look just fine. The cause of my face dismorphia is the last time I saw cheekbones I was in my early 20s and i think I was just a tad shocked at finding out that I have a late 40s face under all that fat. Oh well, it is who I am so I am embracing it... just glad to have cheekbones and to be able to actually see my eyes again! All those features were buried in the fat for many years.

How are you feeling? I had to stay overnight due to my (now cured!) sleep apnea and loved the TLC I got there!

Here is the weirdo thing for me. I am very comfortable (finally!) with my looks and compliments. Men give me attention and it is fairly irrelevant to me actually unless it is a man I am interested in (we all know who I am talking about!). I even had to face talking about my weight loss journey at that executive reception I went to at the big Orlando meeting. an old aquaintance accidently "outed" me in front of a couple of Vice Presidents at our company. I had to think on my feet, but I handled it and they were actually very admiring of me, not judgemental - in the end it was good. I take compliments just fine and actually find myself making other people feel comfortable...LOL I am not saying there isn't some "after effect" but big picture, I know I look pretty good and I like how I look ... I even mostly like myself as a human being. My emptiness feeling that I experience has been there before i lost weight. I just had such huge freaking problems (like physically hurting all the time, like being in a relationship with someone that I kept thinking I could "win back") that it just didn't really get center stage like it can now. So, there is a relationship to the weight loss, but I don't perceive it was caused by it directly. I wonder if a mid life crisis is, by definition, that moment of realizing you are like a good chunk of the way through your life... and you wonder... am I living the life I want? Do I want something else? Something more? and what would that be exactly? All the people that I centered my whole freaking world around up until now have either died, grown up or moved on... it is both an opportunity and a sense of loss.

Miznola I am worried. Are you cleared for the gym just2 weeks post op? Did your surgeon or NUT explain that the first 6weeks you might not feel restriction? It is due to the liquids diet but also due to nerves damaged during surgery take time to heal. Those early weeks it is so important to eat by the clock and measuring spoon as you cannot yet trust your sleeve to tell you. Are you on an acid inhibitor? The tiny tummy is still pumping out acid for a full-size tummy. Acidy can feel like hunger. Having the right education and "expectations" makes this journey so much easier. It gets so much better!

Interrupt by dogs... She did agree with Steven's assessment of my fearing success..but she asked me to consider if it's more that I feel it is undeserved... if that inner critic (I recognise as my dad) is still telling me that I am not worthy. Sunday I went to Cavalia (like circle de soleil but with horses too) with two galpals my age. Both married no kids. Not happily married, and one of them really can't stand her husband. They are married to men who at middle age have decided that the tv and recliner are their main interests. They are fit, active and hotlooking women not ready to shuffle around in slippers every Friday night... I told them about Steven...not in detail but they both thought the idea of an articulate man who is fun to have sex with that you really don't have to"deal with" otherwise was just heaven. It made me realize some of my angst is I feel like I SHOULD end things with him but I don't really want to. Screw it...He and Mary (my best friend and the only one who knew about him in my real life before Sunday) both think I need to find real love for " my own good. " They experience me as a loving person so imagine that have it in me. Here is the dirtytruth. Like the country western song goes "my give a Damn is busted". Reason I can't find a guy....all the ones with genuine intentions scare me off and all the ones that I sense want just sex....Well, what are the odds I will prefer him over Steven? Low. As a woman, I feel like what I have is wrong or shouldn't please me. Mary is on my ass about it constantly..how I need to find someone to love. Steven is always worried he is "using" me. It hit me recently that as much as I care for him and am attached to him, he actually loves me in his own fashion. I feel love to him too...but...not in the way I have felt in love before. I'd drop him in a minute if something better landed on my lap and ladies that is NOT love. You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit to all of you that I am pretty shallow on this topic after a history deep devotion to my partner. It is ok due to the nature of our friendship but how could I do that to someone who really wants more? That's how I get sucked in..that sense of duty, of doing what decent people do. Steven keeps me safe from that, provides temporary cover so to speak. Anyway, not sure what I will do but one clarifying moment is I will do what I want, not what others think is best. That is an early step toward becoming my true self. (btw, Steven has made it very clear HE is very comfortable with our situation and isn't trying to get rid of me,he just fears a broken heart..and he feels very responsible since this happened to him before. He said it broke his heart too since he just can't be a real partner and he hates that about himself but I figure he is at least honest about it)

I met with the counselor yesterday and told her all that. How most of the time. I feel fine, much of the time I feel happy/great and then sometimes I feel that emptiness. I at times wonder if I am capable of loving some one again. At times when I feel that emptiness..... I get that feeling like there is a hole where my heart should be. She had an entirely different take on it. She viewed it as a sign that true healing is underway. It's a sign that I am moving up maslovs scale of human needs...and that I am facing the meaning of life type questions. Steven could not fathom how a woman with looks and financial stability could have a Damn thing to worry about. I get it, that's the grateful (and I am so grateful) side. The other side side is I have decent looks and finances....wonderful.....now what? That is what the counselor focused on. It's the overcoming any sense of not deserving. It is the realizing we all have purpose and mine has changed...My purpose was taking care of people, especially financially, but really many ways (I nursed a sick mother and sister in addition to raising my kids)' . Not sure that was my life purpose but it is what I did whether I wanted to or not. Even my relationship with my ex had a high sense of duty aspect for many years. So now I am alone,with many choices, many opportunities and it gives me a chance to realize there is "more" She doesn't think I am doing terribly, more like emotional growing pains. Maybe combined with some 49 year old hormonal crap. She also wondered if the"low feelings" I get that are oddly very short lived (like minutes) are related to blood sugar drops. I am going to do some private journaling on it all including taking my 90 day challenge private. I can't bare my inner dialog if I feel others will form opinions from it.

Sarsar...I relate I have many wonderful things and people. ..I am blessed but there is a hole where my heart should be.

Right. Scar tissue is thick and doesn't heal as well. Revisions are higher risk than virgin sleeves due to the thickened scar tissue.

Seems like many people went through sadness while losing weight. I was OVERJOYED and while i definately felt some ups and downs due to the hormonal stuff, it was all very up. I think sometimes I am having a delayed reaction - some old grief at life just not turning out quite the way I had "dreamed" in some ways. Steven is also sure i still have menopause mood swings and also agreed that skipping the meds is a good way to go (if i can). What he told me is that I am normally very even tempered/generally positive mood but I have definately had more ups and downs recently... not just my imagination. I think the key is that I feel what I feel ... but to still keep the eye on the prize and be aware of how great so many things really ARE. I can do that, but it doesn't stop me from some sadness too. I went out and spent the day with two girlfriends who are my exact age.... both less than thrilled with married life at the moment. The complaint is basically the same - finally at the point in life where we have money and freedom to go out and enjoy life and all he wants to do is sit on the couch and get in worse shape. They are both horse women so are fit and active and their husbands were fit too... until middle age. Now they feel held back with men who are just no fun at all. I feel bad for them, but it also made me grateful that I no longer have that anchor feeling. It also made me realize why I am so hesitant about this David guy - i don't actually care that his politics run so conservative, what I hate is the ranting. I don't think I should have to endure repeated ranting since it is not like we are married or anything...LOL Ate ALOT yesterday but still weighed 146 this morning. I need to have some light eating days this week though...

Oh yeah I have not really been 5:2 very carefully but just eating light 2 days. Weighed 146 this morning...so down a few. Let's give it a week to see if it sticks. I think 5:2 works even if you are imperfect about it. Still not reducing body fat as my workout is rehab from the injury caused by that trainer. My right thigh is killing me after being in the saddle all day yesterday.

Florinda....I am woman hear me roar. LOVE IT! Well Georgia I guess the way the world gets linebackers is to have mothers built like us...sigh. My GF Mary is always jealous because she has a butt even though she is trim. I don't think I would mind having a little bit of ass. Don't ask how much I spent trying to save my little Papillion Ziva. She was a rescue..had been a breeding bitch in a puppy mill and spent her first 5 years in a cage. I had her for 2 years...I loved that dog so much and she was so devo t ed to me. She died due to issues relating to her crappy care those first 5 years. Some people really suck. Friday I saw Steven with the intent of ending things. I have been blue feeling and he sort of took me to task on that. I never got to the breaking up because he really focused me on that and you know he is right. I have an amazing life, so many good things and so many choices. Sometimes it's nice for your friends to say "everything is going to be OK" and sometimes you need one to say..."WTF are you whining about" You know what he told me...that I am afraid of my own success. That kind of stung because I feel the truth in it. Damn this guy is hard to let go.. I have felt invisible most of my life and yet he sees right through me. Saturday I took Mia, my new horse to an obstacle course training. The do what they call cowboy racing...it is a timed event through obstacles. At first i feared i would be at the first "overhead" obstacle all day. Most of the others had been there multiple times so we were the newbie but by the end Mia was as good if not better than most. the end of the day we were flying over and through these scary obstacles. Because I a confident rider and she is a great horse we could do some of the things way better than most right off the bat (ie she knows where to put her feet based on how I signal with my legs and seat) Several of my horsey pals were there and they loved Mia so it was great. She was surely one of the cutest horses there. I loved it and I couldn't help but think of what Steven said...I do have a great life.

I tried it once.

Like I said, I was given a choice. I asked the surgeon which way was lowest risk and the answer was not definate... more like "we think (or maybe he said some evidence) it reduces chance of leak by allowing the healing between the band removal and the sleeve". i chose to do it in two procedures and of course had no complications but I have never seen a published paper on the topic. It is more for curiousity sake to know if there is concrete evidence, so update if you do find something specific. Thanks!

Sarah, question for you...the smaller I get, the more disproportionate I am. Roughly speaking I wear size 6 pants (2-4 of vanity size store white house black market) and yet need a 10 in a dress or jacket due to shoulders and rib/bust. You look proportional at the lower body fat percent. Do you have any insight? I am not sure that my upper body can get much smaller as I can see ribs on my back....and yes there is excess skin there too.

Mel do you by chance have a link to any studies or published research?

Oh no. Pavo is bad news...wishing for her recovery.

Oh and we have had massive snow this week in the mountains. David is of course a skiier (everybody is except me it seems). We were supposed to do stuff this weekend but he is going with friends to their cabin up at one of the main ski areas. I am okay with that since as much as I enjoy his company, the jury is still a little out on him. Not just the neo conservatism, I am watching for signs of control freak. So far, it is just polite things like ordering food for me at the restaurant, so no real red flag, but that kind of guy makes me wary ... like I just watch for it before we get in deep. I did finally ask him what he was looking for, and it is a long term but wanting to go slow. Perfect. I told him that I want exclusive before it becomes physical to which he had no comment. That might end things right there... we shall see.

Daisy, I am not the judge of what is normal, but dating someone for a month and then moving in sounds really really fast to me. I would feel suffocated. I may be completely off base, but it puts a different perspective on his clingy ex girlfriend. Like, they were probably inseparable until the breakup so no wonder she seemed so clingy and needy. I am not sure if he just has different expectations or what. You need to follow your own gut and heart about what kind of relationship YOU want - I totally agree on that one! Don't bother posting on the plastics thread. I have already been accused of being a cyber bully (wow, the conclusions that were leapt to when all I did was take issue with the blanket statement that results from Mexican surgeon were worse based on the research conducted by looking at photos). I never intended to send anyone into a tizzy and I think more fuel is not really ideal. "They" feel I was trying to bully them into silence about their plastics journey which is weird since I never even implied such a thing, but... whatever. So, I am hanging in there. Luckily I have good friends and so have been able to talk through some things. You know what, it is just same ole same ole life but right now I feel like i am standing in a little canoe, a little off balance and waves are washing over the bow... it is that feeling. I think we all know the solution. First step, sit down and paddle..haha I have the second meeting with the new personal trainer this evening. My injury is hurting this morning, I rode last night and of course didn't feel a thing as it was fun. We did alot of speed stuff, it was a physical ride. Then, I stretched and all that but a night of inactivity and I am sore. At least she seems to have a good idea of what the problem is. Basically, I am strong but some of my small muscles are under developed. The young PT didn't have the education to recognize that as he increased the load, the strong muscles were incorrectly taking over. She wants to decrease the work load significantly and focus on finding all these small muscles that are hiding and get them on par with the stronger muscles. If it works, it will likely improve backpain etc. It is kind of a weird thing though to be working at such a low intensity/low weights but since i am injured I don't have much of a choice do I. Have a very happy day everyone - I am off to the office for some important meetings - it's good - keeps me very focused.

I waited till 2 years post op....at goal for awhile... I had a vodka and soda Water....teehee. In truth soda pop, diet or not is TERRIBLE for you. I strongly encourage anyone to just break the habit. Eating clean, real foods is just such a good thing. Signed, Former Diet Pepsi junkie (and it never made me skinny)

And the worst thing is I always told myself I just need "time" and I am starting to fear that is not the case.

Ok I am spewing negativity. .. so don't read it if today isn't a good day for it. I had such a great week last week and now I am home to reality. My oldest son is getting depressed and of course having a hell of a time getting quick treatment. I feel sad over ending things with Steven. I feel stressed over work...but good things are happening there. My old horse is lame. My young horse is challenging me and right now I don't even feel like riding. The personal trainer caused me injury and I have started working with a different one to rehab. Yeah I get to pay just to get back to where I was. My old cat needs surgery. My house projects feel insurmountable. I am overwhelmed. I am lonely. Good news is I still weigh under 150.

A good list, and I guess my comments are more clarifying rather than disagreeing. On the topic of exercise - you are right that plenty of people lose just fine without it. I think that you will be a little sad though to find when you get to goal that you have lost so much muscle mass that you can eat so little in maintenance. Exercise does not really cause you to lose weight so much as it increases your fitness/ups your metabolism/preserves lean muscle to make life time maintenance more realistic. Most of us DON'T NEED plastic surgery. In my case, even after losing 160# I didn't have skin rash or any medical need for plastics. Heck, spanx or other decent shapewear kept things together for me just fine. I wanted plastics because it was important to me to look "normal". I truly believe that it will help me with the mental/emotional aspects of long term maintenance. Plastics were really really hard but I am glad I did it. I would also say that people at the beginning of their journey shouldn't even think about all this. As time went on, i got more and more comfortable with the excess skin and if I had not been able to do plastics - I would have been okay with that too. The honeymoon period is real... but it is debatable how long it lasts. I lost about 100# my first 6 months. Took me another 8 months to lose the next 50 - so it took me 14 months to lose 150# to goal. I stabilized and maintained that 150# loss before I decided to lose 10 more. I was well over 18 months out and it wasn't that hard to lose those 10. It is very true though that the fastest weight loss/least hunger occurs in those early months so TAKE ADVANTAGE. It also means that you shouldn't give up just because you are more than 6-12 months out - it is still possible! As far as eating - eating the right things is so important, but so is portion control. The idea is to learn to eat to absence of hunger, not until full. That was a foreign concept to me, but has really paid off! I still after all this time, eat off smaller plates and use appetizer sized utinsils at home. One thing you don't mention is the head trip that this whole journey is for many of us. Some get depression, some find their whole worlds turned upside down.... others maybe a smaller impact. Be prepared for major ups and downs though. As that fat sheds, hormones are released which can cause mood swings. You may find that friends and family get tired of hearing about your weight loss, you may find many things out about your relationships during this journey. Don't make big decisions if you can avoid it if you are going through that wild emotional ride. Mostly... keep your eye on the prize - life at a healthier weight, enjoying doing things you could only dream of when obese. It is so worth it!

Thank you all for your words of support. Most days this is all very do-able, but every once in awhile...we all struggle a little. 2bFit - plastics are hard. I had mine in October (lower body lift, breast lift and aug, arm lift and small thigh lift) and while I am recovered, I still get a bit of low belly swelling after intense exercise or ironically, after alot of sitting. It isn't too bad, but it is uncomfortable and i hate it. Luckily no leg swelling. I am told this could last a year because the lymphatic system is still rebuilding the drainage paths! I am sorry that your scars are so disappointing. I didn't have the long thigh lift (the one most people get). I have mixed feelings about that decision. On the one hand, the work I had done got rid of the absolutely unreal ugly upper inner thigh skin/saggy pockets i had going on with very minimal scarring. Flip side, that my thighs still have some loose skin. I would have that whole skinny legs thing going on had I done a more extensive procedure there, but it is all tradeoffs. I think all in all I made the right choice. I do have scars on my arms, my lower body lift (breast ones you can't even see) but they are improving week by week. The funny thing is I hardly notice them. I thought i would be weirded out by the scars but I feel so much better about my body without the skin that the scars just seem irrelevant to me. I know you can get back on the program. We all have setbacks - and that is the difficulty of maintenance... the "carrying on" even when we don't feel like it. One of the reasons I got plastics was that I wanted that "feeling" of having a normal body and hoping that helps me with maintenance. This week, I came home from a great business trip to some real "issues" in my private and work life. I am feeling the stress and I am feeling lonely and at times overwhelmed. I am tempted at times to comfort myself with food. Food doesn't make a very good friend though so I am reminding myself to pet my doggies and talk to my real friends instead.