Caribear

This gets better and better as the days go by! My bmi is now 49.7... Whooo hoooo! I aimed for it to be below 50 by month end and with 8 days to spare I'm down to 308 today.
 
This week was really, really, really did I say really?, STRESSFUL!!!!! There were days when I went up to over 1500 cals and I didn't exercise a single day this week but still I lost. Last night I stepped on the scale and it was still saying 310 and I said to myself at least I did not gain under all that stress. But sure enough when I got on this morning, it gave up the 2lbs. Wheeew!
 
Cause of all the stress this past week, I do appreciate the 2lb loss this week even more than the 5lb last week, plus it did put my bmi under 50 for the first time in almost 10 years!!!!
 
I am also elated over the fact that I can now pull on and off my favourite jeans without unbuttoning them, not to mention how much fun I'm having boasting about my skin 'wings' and having my sons crack up. (They're 10,8 and 2 yrs old .... so cute!) lol
 
My husband is now happy that he's seeing our investment finally working. I secretly giggled when I heard him bragging about the weight his wife has recently lost, to someone on the phone.
 
44lbs and counting... On my weigh down...

I almost feel stupid blogging about this, but had a revolation this morning! So when you are a fat chick, you can't just go to Victoria Secret for the latest and cutest bra selection. Me personally, I have found Lindathebralady.com to be the most comfortable, but they're not cheap. So as I've lost 41lbs the girls have been less than perky. I've been dreading paying another $54 for another bra. I know that's a good problem to have needing to buy new, skinnier clothes and bras, but 54 bucks is 54 bucks!
 
Here's where the "I feel stupid" moment plays in. So I'm getting dressing this morning and like a profound moment of my entire life I realize, "duh, you don't have to use the last fasteners on the bra you big dork!" Being fat pretty much my whole adult life, I've ALWAYS had to use the last fasteners. I'm proud to say I'm on the first one! Not only is that exciting, but cheaper too! It's funny seeing things in a skinnier light!
 
Woohoo!

Well, I finally did it! I finally lost an amount of weight in one week that didn't show up on the scale as 0.something or 1.something. This week, I lost 2.8 lbs!!! (Picture me doing a happy dance here. It involves sparkles. And trained poodles.)
 
This feels almost like I've got a lap band. It's hard sometimes to read about how fast other people are losing weight when I've been losing mostly a pound a week, if I'm lucky. 2.8 brings me real satisfaction. Even if it doesn't happen like this every week, getting a result like this at least every once in a while is like a shot of inspiration. I can take this and run with it. GO ME!!!

Which band to go with? The Realize or LAP-Band? I'm sure I'll talk it over with the surgeon but it's definitely something to think about.
 
I had my big 4 hour appointment today with everyone under the sun. The dietician was super nice. We first did the informational session on life and diet post banding. I then saw the Internist/Endocrinologist for an hour. He was nice...reminded me of Rain Man but very thorough. After hearing my symptoms that I've dealt with my whole life, he wants to do one additional lab test (24 hour urine collection - yippee!) to test for a Phenochromocytoma (benign tumor in the adrenal gland)but decided I didn't need any furter pre-op testing. Whew! I then had the 1:1 with the dietician. Not surprisingly, my method of skipping meals then ravenously eating isn't the best. After that I had the 1 hour Physical Education class which was interesting but nothing I didn't already know but still, another check mark off my list of To-Do.
 
After my psych appointment March 27 then April 2, I'll be ready to schedule with the surgeon! Super excited. I start my pre-bariatric surgery diet tomorrow. No, not the scary 2-4 week skim milk diet, but the very low calorie, balanced, high-protein diet. They gave me basically a list of foods from 4 food groups to pick from for each meal, and two protein drinks as snacks between meals, and that's it! I do really well with a regime, and it's expected that I lose weight before seeing the surgeon, so it looks like my journey begins tomorrow!

We all have different triggers that cause us to overeat. For some people, it's celebrations. For others, it's stress. Or boredom. But for me it is depression, and everything that entails.
 
I would regularly just get into a "funk" where I had super negative thoughts. I got very depressed, and sometimes really angry. I would pout and feel bad about myself, and bad for myself, and eventually end up deciding that nobody cared. And if nobody else cared, I didn't care either. And inevitably, this would end up with me binging on whatever I could eat in the highest volume. The more, the better. That little voice was telling me that I wasn't good enough, and I was trying to shut it up with food.
 
A few years ago, I started to realize that this is what I was doing. I worked with my therapist to try to stop the behavior, because I knew in my head that it was bad for me. But when I would get in that mood, I would get to the point where I just didn't care. My emotions would override my sensibilities every time.
 
And then I suddenly got a revelation. I realized two things - one, that just because my stomach felt a certain way didn't mean that I was hungry; and two, that even if I was hungry, that was ok. It was like someone flipped on the light switch and suddenly I could see clearly. It's not that these ideas were new - in fact, I had been talking about them with my therapist for a year and a half. I honestly can't tell you what it was that did it, but it just suddenly made sense. It went from being words to being real. And I was able to stop binging almost completely.
 
Almost.
 
Yesterday, for whatever reason, that all-too-familiar funk came back. I don't know why. It started out a pretty good day, but as time went on, that little negative voice started getting louder and louder. And before I knew it, I was brooding and thinking about how nobody cared about me. I tried getting myself out of it, but I just couldn't make that voice shut up no matter how hard I tried.
 
And so shortly after my son went to bed, I baked and consumed an entire roll of flaky butter biscuits. With jam.
 
Not all at one sitting, but over the course of several hours. It was as if I couldn't stop myself. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and I winced at the idea that I would have to write this in my food journal. I imagined the disappointed look on my nutritionist's face when she found out. And I felt awful about that as I licked the jam off my fingertips.
 
It is just amazing to me that such things can happen to a person. How in my head I can know something is the wrong thing to do, yet somehow my emotions put me on auto-pilot and I end up doing it almost against my will.
 
Let me say for the record that I am not crazy, so far as I know. And I am not schizophrenic or bipolar. But every once in a while, my emotions just hijack my body in such a way that I could never explain to someone who had never experienced it.
 
Today I have huge, painfully swollen feet because those biscuits had something like 500 mg of sodium each, and there were eight of them, so that puts me up to 4000 mg just from the biscuits. And because of this, I have vowed that I will not buy those biscuits again.
 
But on the positive side, I do finally realize that this is not the end of the game. All I have to do is clean up the mess and keep moving.

So my first consult isnt until the 29th. Ughhhhh.March is going so unbelievebly slow.But in the meanwhile Ive really been focusing on what my workout regime is going to be/What areas I really need to work on.
 
I know this sounds weird, but one of the things im looking forward to when I finally start to lose weight is actually having noticeble clavicals. Yes clavicals.Ive always been obsessed with Tyra Banks' clavicals. Theyre so defined and nice. Ive always been overweight and top heavy so Ive never had defined ones.(Not even when I was 6!! lol smh).I know there arent any actual exercises to get them (lol) but I just need to do hell of alot of cardio to melt this fat away.
 
Pretty random but thats whats on my mind as of now......Do/did any of u guys have any weird want(s) after yall lose/lost weight??

Well, yesterday I was. I was happy for 5 minutes. Maybe 7. I didn't time it (though now I think maybe I should have).
 
I had my weekly weigh in, and for the first time since the week after surgery, I actually lost 1 whole pound. Plus. I lost 1.8 lbs. Yippee! That's like a normal weight loss, right? That means I really CAN lose 1-2 lbs per week just like the surgeon told me. I can be a real bandster! I can lose this *#$#&$%@! weight in less than 5 years! I can do it! I ROOOOCCCCCKKKKKKK!
 
Then I remembered that I lost 0 last week. Zero. Zilch. Goose eggs. The big nothing. Which meant that my mind automatically did the math (I hate when it does that. I hate math.) and calculated that this fact brought my average down to 0.9 lbs for those 2 weeks.
 
Yup, less than a pound a week.
 
Cue 3-year-old temper tantrum. It was a thing of beauty. Seriously. I scared the dogs.
 
At this point, I'm seriously considering adding lithium to my list of supplements. These mood swings can't be healthy. Yesterday, I let my annoyance guide my eating (but I still tracked it all). Today, I'm back to sanity (or my version of it) and reminding myself that I get a fill next week. My second fill. One that will hopefully bring me that much closer to restriction. I want it so bad I can taste it, and it tastes like skinny.

So do any of you miss just being able to go out to a restaurant and pig out? I've had this "sadness" just a few times since my surgery. I do really great during the week because I'm so anal about planning things out and being prepared. However, on the weekends, my husband and I like to go out to different restaurants. As a bandster, I still can eat out, I just choose much healthier options and when my entree arrives, I have the waitress bring out a box with the meal so I can portion out my food I will eat and the rest I save for leftovers.
 
My husband is not the most romantic, but he suprised me with a date Friday and took me to the Hawthorne Inn in this little out of the way town called Labadie. Apparently the whole town of Labadie decided to go too, because we waited for 45 minutes. I chose the salmon with baked potato and it came with a salad. So the salad came and although I enjoyed a few bites, I stopped because I want to save room for the $21.95 salmon. I LOVE salad. I know its not a protein though and I have to get that in. Which brings me to the point of why I got the band to begin with- SO THAT I WOULDN'T EAT LIKE A PIG. But, every once in a while I get mixed emotions about my band. I thank God everyday for my band, because I was really becoming unhealthy. On the other hand, I sometimes have a pitty party for about 2.5 seconds and just wish I could finish my WHOLE salad, my WHOLE potato and MY WHOLE salmon.
 
Funny how my band, Prudence brings me back to sanity though. Once I'm "full" then I think, Maggie you're a weirdo. What a strange thing to miss. You feel great, you are full off of a fraction of what you used to eat and you've lost 32lbs! Like I said, I don't get bummed out a lot, and realize that I had a very unhealthy affair with food. Glad my relationship with food is changing, but it is an ongoing struggle everyday to change.

You know, relatively.
 
First off, I feel the need to simultaneously thank and apologize to everyone who read through yesterday's bitter, angry rant. I did need to get that off my chest, but now Logical Me has woken up from the knock out punch she took from Emotional Me and is able to add a sliver of rationality to the discussion. Because there IS more to this than calories in and calories out, and I'm not in this for an overnight weight loss. I'm in this for the long haul.
 
I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to point out all the things Emotional Me didn't want to hear, because I do need to remember all that, things like: we're more than an equation, plateaus happen, the band does work, calm down and just keep chugging along. I did need to hear that. I didn't really want to yesterday, but I needed to.
 
One good thing--one really good thing--did come out of yesterday, though. I had my mad on yesterday, and I was plenty bitter. I had more than my share of "to hell with it" thoughts, and in previous years that would have equalled a cheeseburger at the very least. Instead, I just kept plugging. Yeah, I ate a few more calories than the day before, but I tracked them all and I still stayed below 1200, which in bandster hell is still something of a victory. I kept working, and even if I didn't have a smile on my face the whole time, the work is the important part.
 
So today, I woke up and got back to it. Breakfast was a small protein shake and half a banana, and I already have lunch and dinner planned with lean protein and fresh veggies and the knowledge that I can't control the scale, but I can control my own behavior. Thanks to the band, that is. We just need to keep getting to know each other and figuring out how this all works.
 
I think we can do it.

One of the most humbling things, I think, that one can experience is for someone to tell you that you've inspired them to do or be something. Wow! What an impact.
 
Having struggled with my weight most of my life, I never really thought about the possibility of being an inspiration to anyone in the area of being healthy.
 
Sure, I try to inspire my son to be a child of God, to work, and go after things the focus on the talents God gave Him. I try to inspire my husband to see the positive side of life and encourage him that he is a good father and husband. I've tried to inspire people in faith and that God is an awesome God.
 
But that's not really happened much in the health arena. Until now.
 
Since I've been posting about my procedure, my success AND my failures on facebook and in my blog at www.chrissyluther.wordpress.com, I've had two people say that to me and have wanted to know more about the surgery, my doctor, the band itself, the diet, the food, excercise...everything. I feel so blessed that God would give me this opportunity to share what I'm experiencing and learning as I go. I understand what these particular people are going through...I've been there. Its not fun. Its not easy. People look at you weird and judge you without ever knowing you...and most times don't take the time to get to know you.
 
I think that's one reason God give us trials to go through. So that from that experience, we can learn, move forward and then on to helping someone else who is going through the same thing; letting His love for that person flow through us, into them.
 
I want to encourage you today, that if you've not made that step to get healthy...branch out and take it now. It doesn't have to be LAP-band. It doesn't have to be surgery at all. It might not even be about losing weight. But trust that God has a solution in mind for you, and He will show if you ask Him to and listen for Him to do so.
 
I'm praying for you.
 
Blessings,
ChrissyLu

Well I am now down 51 pounds! Sooo happy! Life is going great and I'm unbelievably happy. I recently started the couch to 5k program on Monday. The first time, I thought I was going to die. However, I did it for the second time yesterday, and it was noticeably better. I am really trying to focus on breathing and it's helping. I also purchased the Fitbit. To be honest (and I know this is not the opinion of most) I probably should have just saved my money. It hasn't been helping me with anything really. I think it's interesting to look at the numbers, but that's all. Oh well! Well, not much of an update, I know, but I don't like to let too much time pass without a post! Hope this finds everyone well. Have a blessed day!

Life has been so good with my Lap Band! I remember anticipating getting my band and thinking, "when I get banded that's when my life will really begin." I'm sure you've probably thought the same thing. And in so many ways, it's true! Now I've always been one to make the most of what I've been given and to live life to the fullest, but the Lap Band has really helped me to accomplish a fuller life on a whole new level! On my surgery date(7/8/2011) I was 208lbs and size 18. Today(2/23/12) I am 167lbs and size 12. I still want to lose about 40 pounds(be a size 6) but life is so much better than it was! I have so much more confidence and hold my head a little higher! Okay.... a lot higher!
After my surgery, I began to submit my resume to airlines for a flight attendant position(with no experience whatsoever). I wasn't sure it would actually pan out, but I thought I would give it a try. I always thought it would be a fun and adventurous type of career, but would have never dared apply when I was a size 18! Well, I just so happen to get a call back, was flown to my interview, went through an entire day of the grueling interview process, got the job, and I start my training in 2 weeks!! I'm so excited! The Lap Band has opened so many doors for me! I'm getting the job I've always wanted, I'm going to travel to places I've always wanted to go and take incredible vacations with my husband while flying for free! I was even recently asked to speak at a Lap Band seminar and tell my story! It's amazing how much better life is!
My motto in life today is, "Think positive and positive things will happen!" I spent way too much time verbally abusing myself and beating myself down in the past. The awful things I would tell myself were downright harmful and damaging! I am such a positive person now and intend on taking advantage of all life has to offer! I hope you will do the same.
I've changed my tune and this is my new perspective on life, I hope it will be yours as well...
1. I WILL be successful at losing my weight! I may have failed in the past, but I will not fail this time. PERIOD!
2. I can and will be ANYTHING I want!
3. I have the power to create the life I want! Life is whatever I choose to make it!
4. Hard work makes everything possible
5. Don't hold back! Not in life, love, work, or at the gym! Give it all you have!
6. Be passionate about life...live it to the absolute fullest!
7. I am what I think! So think Positive!
8. I will not diet! I eat whatever I want in small portions. And sometimes what I want is a salad. Sometimes it's Chick-Fil-A. I will not diet!
9. I'm proud of myself! I will not apologize or feel guilty for accomplishing my goals!
10. I'm worthy of happiness!

I Can see my toes and actually the whole top of my foot! So exciting. I have also discovered that I have a collar bone! I can wrap my fingers around my wrist and touch the floor! My joints still hurt and I am hoping it gets better with losing more. I am so happy!

So, I was suppose to get my first fill last week. I was on the way to the doctor's office when they called to say he was stuck in surgery and posponed until this week. I was bummed. I was getting hungry, had no restriction and didn't feel full after my small meals. I was still doing well I am down 41 pounds as of this morning. I haven't lost any for a few weeks.
This morning after having a egg for breakfast I went off to my surgeon's office. Their computers were on the fritz. Nothing was working. I was worried they were going to cancel again. The office was full and it was slow process to get into exam room. It is amazing how much we rely on computers to get through the day.
My surgeon was in good spirits despite the craziness in the office. He numbed me upo a bit and put in 3 1/2 cc into my port. No pain at all. I had to drink some water then wait a few minutes. All was good and I got to go. On liquids for 2 days and then he told me to come back next week if fill wasn't restricting enough. So far so good. Suzie

So I weighed in yesterday and lost 0.9 lbs. This led to the immediate recognition of the fact that at the moment, I have a split personality. I call them Logical Me and Emotional Me.
 
Logical Me tells me that any weight loss is good weight loss. I'm currently in "Bandster Hell," that period of time between my surgery and my first fill when my appetite has returned, but the band is not yet offering me any restriction. Logical Me points out that a lot of people stop losing weight now entirely and many even gain some weight. She also wants me to remember that the slower the weight loss, the better my skin will be able to adjust and the less loose skin I may have when I reach my goal. And finally, Logical Me would like to point out that I've spent at least ten years getting to this weight from my last lowest point, so it's dumb of me to expect that I'll lose it in a couple of months.
 
Emotional me is too busy wailing and gnashing her teeth to tell me anything. Somewhere buried in her incoherent sobs, I am able to make out a few thoughts, though, like how can I not lose more weight when I've been eating no more than 1000 calories per day? Or, OMG am I going to fail this attempt at weight loss just like I have all the other ones after I've spent all this money on having surgery? Maybe the band won't help me. Maybe I'm just destined to be fat my whole life, and I'll just keep gaining weight even if I stop eating all together for the rest of my life. Maybe this was all a wasted effort and I should just go crawl under a rock and forget about ever being healthy and happy with myself.
 
I'd like to slap Emotional Me across the face and tell her to shut her w&!@# mouth. I know those thoughts are ridiculous, but that doesn't mean I can completely erase them from the back of my mind. All I can do is turn up the volume on Logical Me, keep reading the forums, and keep poking along at whatever pace my body deems appropriate. After all, when it comes down to it, I didn't get this surgery just to drop weight; I got it to help me make a huge and permanent lifestyle change that will result in gradual and permanent weight loss.
 
Maybe if I got that tattooed on the back of my hand, it would be easier to remember...

Want to wish everyone a great valentine's day, if you don't have a valentine, I'll be yours, I have love to give to everyone!
 
I wasn't going to write today, because I didn't really have anything to write about. Then the caffeine hit me and I had a total NSV!!!!
 
So, in case you didn't know I'm going to Key West in oh let me check my calender....39 days. Usually, all I can think about for a vacation is what I'm going to eat, what the food is like, etc.
 
Not so much this time!!! First I decided in March I'm going to try the couch to 5k program (if anyone wants to be my buddy for this let me know!). I'm also going to start working on weight training for my upper body since my dad and I will be going out deep sea fishing while in Key West. Gotta get jacked to reel in the big one (I hope I do!!!).
 
So then instead of thinking of food, I was thinking about "how am I going to work out on vacation" well my parents must have read my mind because my mom sent me an e-mail asking if they wanted to pack my bike in their RV (they are driving from New York state to Key West in their RV, I'm flying). UM, YEAH ABSOLUTELY! The RV resort where we are staying is at Mile Marker 15 on the Keys, so I'm thinking that in the am, I can ride my bike to at least Mile Marker 10 and back, maybe more, who knows. Can you even ride a bicycle on US 1? If anyone knows let me know thank you.
 
So I have to consider this a NSV when I'm usually thinking about "oh what restaurants are we going to go to" or "what am I going to cook while we're on vacation" I'm more concerned about how I'm going to work out.
 
So proud of my self ::hugs::
 
Have a great day!

I am down to 210 this morning! That means I've lost 49 pounds since the beginning of my pre op diet which started November 11th. I am sooooo happy!! I am going to buy myself a pandora bracelet along with two charms. I want to buy myself a charm for every 20 pounds lost.
I bought myself a couple pairs of jeans. Not only were they on clearance (only 14 bucks for 2 pairs of jeans!!) but one was even a size 14!! I cannot remember the last time I was in a size 14!! So exciting!
As my last post stated, I just received my second fill last week. So far so great!! I know I'm most likely still swollen, but I have great restriction right now as well as little to no hunger. Next week will be the deciding factor on whether I'm in the green zone or not. Happy V Day everyone!

I'm starting this with the uncertainty whether I hope or dread anyone reading it, not to mention the hard-earned inability to believe that even this step will really be able to accomplish the thing to which it seems I've dedicated my life: losing weight. Unsucessfully, natch.
 
I remember being on my first diet by the age of 9; I got my lap band (a Realize band, actually) on February 1, 2012, a little less than 3 month before my 37th birthday. Did I give up on losing the weight on my own? Maybe, but I prefer to think of it as giving up on the DELUSION that I could lose it on my own. Yes, I said it--it was a delusion. Delusional thinking. I've dieted for almost my entire life; if dieting actually led to weight loss, I'd be f'ing Kate Moss by now. Heck, I'd have melted away to nothing more than a decade ago. Atkins? Did it. Sonoma? Did it. Cabbage soup? Grapefruit? Mayo Clinic? Done, done, done. Jenny Craig? Check. Weight Watchers? Which of the nine times do you want to discuss? Counting calories? Yup, as well as counting fat, counting carbs, and counting numbers of bites. I became a human abacus. I saw a nutritionist for two years, and a therapist for even longer. I worked on my issues even as I worked harder at losing weight than at anything else in my life, but the lesson I learned from all of that work was that dieting doesn't. It doesn't work, and it most especially doesn't work for me.
 
Enter, the band. Through five little incisions right in my belly. It is even now wrapped around my stomach and giving me a new (if still shaky) hope that maybe I can finally solve this problem. You know the one. The one that makes buying clothes not only difficult, but occasionally humiliating. The one that makes other people's gazes either slide right over you, or linger in that way that makes you want to crawl under a rock and hide. The one that makes doctors blame anything you ask for their help with on the same thing, regardless of symptoms, cause, or duration. The one that makes anyone in the medical profession ask if you've ever considered losing weight, as if you hadn't noticed you were fat and the idea of attempting to be thin had never even occurred to you. Yeah, that one.
 
The issue here is that one week after surgery and 13.7 pounds down from my pre-pre-op-diet weight, I still haven't decided whether or not I believe this solution will work. I hope--God knows, I hope--but I can't quite commit to optimism yet. All I've got at the moment is that hope, and the kind of anticipation you feel before a huge exam. I know I studied, and I know the material backward and forward, but I still can't help feeling that I still could fail, just because I've done it before.
 
Still, fingers crossed and breath held and band installed. I've even begun to transition (with desperation induced permission from my surgeon...I couldn't take liquids anymore) onto purees. Maybe this will work. Maybe I'll blog here more than this once. I don't know what the future holds yet, but I really hope it's good.

Okay...I had my lapband surgery done in July 2010. I am now a little over 1 1/2 years out and still losing weight. I have hit some plateaus along the way. However, I just keep perserving. The past month, I have lost 9 lbs. The one main thing that I notice is that I keep losing my shoes. I mean really....I went out with my dad and sister. As I went to step out of the vehicle. my high heel fell off. I laughed...even my feet are losing weight. The shoes that I wore to work today kept flipping off the back of my feet like flips. I guess it is going to be time to go shoe shopping and get some new ones.
My advice to everyone out there just starting this journey....just keep preservering. I have hit several plateaus that lasted a few months each time with the scale stuck at a weight. However, I knew that I was doing the right thing and I did not get discouraged. I finally feel like my body has accepted this...and the weight loss has picked up again. Well of and out to surf the web for some new footware!

When I first started on this site, I would always read how much people were saying, "I NEEEEED my fill", "Can't wait for my fill", "Hungry! Don't get my fill for a while" and couldn't really understand that "need" because for the first three weeks although I WAS hungry at times it was manageable. I would just like to apologize publicly on this forum for wondering.. .........yesterday (day before my fill) I could have eaten my face off. I was redonkulously hungry between every meal. In fact not one meal yesterday even touched my hunger radar. I was thinking, "ONE MORE DAY" which brings me back to the "a ha moment" as Oprah would say. Today was a 360 moment. I can truly say now that I GET IT! Feels great that Prudence finally got her fill, 2cc infact. Tomorrow is my 1 month bandiversary and I can say that although challenging, its been a great month!

This website is fantastic - a wealth of info. I'm a veteran Bandster (2005). It's been a crazy road but I'm doing well & getting back to the basics. I have a blog on Facebook. It's not easy/too busy to toggle between all the blogs. My goal is to share my good, bad & ugly journey. Check me out : ) Bandster Bridget & Friends.

I had my second of nine supervised diet visits today. I wanted to go in anyway because I have been having trouble with my feet swelling. Not just regular swelling, but the kind of swelling that makes the skin hurt because it is being pulled so tight. I spent almost all day on the couch Saturday because my feet were so swollen and painful that I could hardly walk. So today I went in with my food and exercise logs to get my visit done and over with.
 
I got on the scale without taking off my shoes or coat, and so the number showed that I had actually gained a little since my last visit. My scale at home says I am holding steady. My doctor looked over my logs and said he was pleased with what I was doing. I told him about the swelling and he poked at my ankles a little bit, then said he would order a blood test to make sure that my kidneys were functioning normally. He also said that my blood pressure was a little high, and that if it was still elevated at my next visit, he would put me on a blood pressure medication and a diuretic.
 
I guess that the elevated blood pressure is both good and bad. Bad because, well, nobody needs high blood pressure. But good because it will probably indicate more of a need to the insurance company for the surgery - another comorbidity. I mentioned to the doctor that my blood pressure is usually normal unless I am in a fair amount of pain, which I was today and have been for the past few days. He agreed but said that he would still put me on the medication if it was still elevated next time. I noticed on the receipt that he also ordered a test for my thyroid hormones, probably because I haven't lost any more weight despite eating less than 2000 calories per day and burning from 300 to 600 per day with exercise (numbers from myfitnesspal.com) So they will call me with the results sometime later this week and we will see what they say.
 
Two down, seven to go. The goal is coming slowly but surely. I think I can, I think I can!

I have heard many people on this board getting so upset about weight gain and lack of weight loss. And don't get me wrong, I completely understand. I have gotten on the scale myself and had that sinking feeling in my stomach when I saw the number. I have wanted to scream and cry when I saw the number go up. Trust me, I understand. But there is something that I was missing, and that was Godly love.
 
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was four years old. I don't remember if I even understood what that meant at the time, but it was what the grown-ups wanted from me, so I did it. I went to church with my mom until my pre-teen years. But then things started to fall apart in our family and we all lost our way. I don't want to get into it all right now, but there were many things that happened that were emotionally painful, and I felt like God had turned his back on me. I felt lost and abandoned. So I gave into the world's way of living, doing basically whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I still felt like I was a good person, and I believed in God, but felt like he didn't want much to do with me.
 
After years of living this way, I noticed that He was showing up in my life more and more. Little things that would happen, little comments that people would make. I felt the need to go back to Him, but I didn't. I thought that after all of the bad things I had done, all the commandments I had broken, that there would never be a church that would accept me. After all, you can't be a Christian without going to church, right? But God kept insisting, kept calling me. Eventually I went out and bought myself a Bible and started to read.
 
It took me a while, but it finally dawned on me that I didn't have to go to church to be a Christian again. I didn't need other people to accept me to be a Christian. I didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to have a perfect past. Jesus did most of His work among the people who the church considered "undesirable," like prostitutes and tax collectors. If Jesus could accept them and love them, maybe He could love me too.
 
Several months later, I was watching a television show on Daystar network, a Christian station. The woman who was speaking was talking about God's love. She said something that changed the way I looked at myself forever. "God loves you just the way you are," she said (paraphrasing.) "You don't have to lose ten pounds, you don't have to do anything different for him to love you." The woman was Joyce Meyer, and I have watched her regularly ever since. But that message really opened my eyes.
 
It's really true. God loves you exactly the way you are right at this very moment. He loves you just as much as he loves anyone else. You are His child, and he made you knowing that you would be just who you are right now. He knew you would do everything you have ever done, good and bad, and he loved you just the same. When you feel the most unloveable, He still loves you just as much as He ever did. Even if you don't believe in Him, He still loves you! How wonderful!
 
If you take anything at all from this blog, I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved more than you know, more than you could ever believe possible. And this love is not dependent on how much weight you lose, what kind of clothes you wear, or even how you act. You are loved simply because you exist, and you are important simply because you were born. God does not do things by mistake, and He would not waste time creating something that He was not proud of. It is important to take care of your body and make sure that you stay healthy, because our bodies are our home until we are done with our journey on the earth, but your weight is not everything. It is part of you, but not the thing that defines you. Even if you never reach your goal weight, God sees you for the beautiful creation that you are. And I hope that you do too.

When I first decided to get the band I only talked about it with people whom I see me every day. Because we are a military family I am far from my actual family it would be easy to keep my surgery from them. But I really felt I wanted to tell my brother and sister in law that I was going through this process.
 
I finally talked to both my brother and his wife this past week. I am so glad I did. I really needed to tell people who truly care about me and my well being. They are concerned for my health but they are happy that I am making an educated decision on something I want to do.
 
I received my sleep study results yesterday and I am in the clear in that respect. It looks like all I have left are 2 nurtritionist meetings and 1 support group meeting due in February.
 
I'm getting very close to the end!!! So very excited!!!!!

Hi all!
I am subscribed to an email newsletter called Godvine. Every weekday they send me an email with a verse, several video clips, and a story. This story was in the letter from yesterday, 2/3. It really warmed my heart, so I had to share it with you all.
 
"Get Off The Scale
 
Whether weight is a 'problem' in your life or it's some other single factor, this can apply to everyone. Never forget it!
 
You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance.
 
Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.
 
It's true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That's it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don't give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!"
 
 
Source: Something I Just Had To Share