Chimera

Morning Gang!
Just returned from So Cal yesterday - we had a great time. I think I might have mentioned last week that we were attending a close friends wedding, and sneaking off to Disneyland for a day without telling the kids we were going (these kids are adults lol).
I made fairly decent food choices - and have been really watching the baked goods/rice/pasta/candy types of carbs recently and it feels like it has made a huuuuge difference in how I feel mentally, emotionally. physically. Feels like my sleeve has gotten a serious reset as there were meals that I could only eat about 3 bites and I was done. Yay for renewed restriction!
Starting the new job this week so I am going to see what days will be good for fasting after my first experience with that - maybe Wednesday - just working on awareness and keeping my energy up - on Thursday at Disney it was 90 degrees - and I was exhausted most of the afternoon - I was hydrating like crazy, but I also have to take Klonopin to ride in the car because of PTSD (from a horrific accident I was involved in in the late 80's that put me in the hospital and out of work for a year) - I am thinking this might have had an impact on my energy - and I have been slacking on Vitamins, coming off of my period, etc. Got a good nights sleep and feel good today.
I have yet to weigh in today - feeling a bit nervous because when I ride on airplanes I puff up like a puffer fish lol. Think I will drink oceans today and weigh in tomorrow morning.
Florinda - I have read many books on disordered eating, Geneen Roth is one of the big authors, but honestly I don't feel as if I have ever gotten much from her stuff (my therapists were big on her work) - I actually like the work of Judith S. Beck Ph.D. - she wrote The Beck Diet Solution, has workbooks etc - don't worry about the word diet - its more about cognitive retraining of your brain. I also like the literature from Overeaters Anonymous - because I am addicted to certain foods and tend to abuse them - just like a bad alcoholic, I can go on a bender and not know when to stop. I have gone to a few meetings, but have yet to find my tribe with that group so to speak. I like the message they have - one day at a time - which is what this is for me for sure.
Here are some pics from our trip - I have been feeling huge, I guess the photos seem to say otherwise - I have pretty bad dysmorphia - was the only woman at the wedding not wearing a dress - wore white capri pants because after trying on my Shapewear I thought I was going to pass out - it was like being full body squeezed by a boa constrictor - and I wanted to be comfortable. I will just get looser flowy things until I can have the skin issues addressed - its like wearing a backpack of pizza dough backwards on my front lol.
I actually saw a pic from someone else of my backside at the wedding and it wasn't too bad - which is crazy to me!
Check out the pic of the woman in front of us on the Space Mountain ride - mind you this was at 8:30 a.m. so it must have been a bit shocking to her lol. The gentleman I am with is my hubby who also had sleeve surgery two weeks before myself - we've lost a similar amount of weight.

Morning Gang!
Just returned from So Cal yesterday - we had a great time. I think I might have mentioned last week that we were attending a close friends wedding, and sneaking off to Disneyland for a day without telling the kids we were going (these kids are adults lol).
I made fairly decent food choices - and have been really watching the baked goods/rice/pasta/candy types of carbs recently and it feels like it has made a huuuuge difference in how I feel mentally, emotionally. physically. Feels like my sleeve has gotten a serious reset as there were meals that I could only eat about 3 bites and I was done. Yay for renewed restriction!
Starting the new job this week so I am going to see what days will be good for fasting after my first experience with that - maybe Wednesday - just working on awareness and keeping my energy up - on Thursday at Disney it was 90 degrees - and I was exhausted most of the afternoon - I was hydrating like crazy, but I also have to take Klonopin to ride in the car because of PTSD (from a horrific accident I was involved in in the late 80's that put me in the hospital and out of work for a year) - I am thinking this might have had an impact on my energy - and I have been slacking on Vitamins, coming off of my period, etc. Got a good nights sleep and feel good today.
I have yet to weigh in today - feeling a bit nervous because when I ride on airplanes I puff up like a puffer fish lol. Think I will drink oceans today and weigh in tomorrow morning.
Florinda - I have read many books on disordered eating, Geneen Roth is one of the big authors, but honestly I don't feel as if I have ever gotten much from her stuff (my therapists were big on her work) - I actually like the work of Judith S. Beck Ph.D. - she wrote The Beck Diet Solution, has workbooks etc - don't worry about the word diet - its more about cognitive retraining of your brain. I also like the literature from Overeaters Anonymous - because I am addicted to certain foods and tend to abuse them - just like a bad alcoholic, I can go on a bender and not know when to stop. I have gone to a few meetings, but have yet to find my tribe with that group so to speak. I like the message they have - one day at a time - which is what this is for me for sure.
Here are some pics from our trip - I have been feeling huge, I guess the photos seem to say otherwise - I have pretty bad dysmorphia - was the only woman at the wedding not wearing a dress - wore white capri pants because after trying on my Shapewear I thought I was going to pass out - it was like being full body squeezed by a boa constrictor - and I wanted to be comfortable. I will just get looser flowy things until I can have the skin issues addressed - its like wearing a backpack of pizza dough backwards on my front lol.
I actually saw a pic from someone else of my backside at the wedding and it wasn't too bad - which is crazy to me!
Check out the pic of the woman in front of us on the Space Mountain ride - mind you this was at 8:30 a.m. so it must have been a bit shocking to her lol. The gentleman I am with is my hubby who also had sleeve surgery two weeks before myself - we've lost a similar amount of weight.

Morning Gang!
Just returned from So Cal yesterday - we had a great time. I think I might have mentioned last week that we were attending a close friends wedding, and sneaking off to Disneyland for a day without telling the kids we were going (these kids are adults lol).
I made fairly decent food choices - and have been really watching the baked goods/rice/pasta/candy types of carbs recently and it feels like it has made a huuuuge difference in how I feel mentally, emotionally. physically. Feels like my sleeve has gotten a serious reset as there were meals that I could only eat about 3 bites and I was done. Yay for renewed restriction!
Starting the new job this week so I am going to see what days will be good for fasting after my first experience with that - maybe Wednesday - just working on awareness and keeping my energy up - on Thursday at Disney it was 90 degrees - and I was exhausted most of the afternoon - I was hydrating like crazy, but I also have to take Klonopin to ride in the car because of PTSD (from a horrific accident I was involved in in the late 80's that put me in the hospital and out of work for a year) - I am thinking this might have had an impact on my energy - and I have been slacking on Vitamins, coming off of my period, etc. Got a good nights sleep and feel good today.
I have yet to weigh in today - feeling a bit nervous because when I ride on airplanes I puff up like a puffer fish lol. Think I will drink oceans today and weigh in tomorrow morning.
Florinda - I have read many books on disordered eating, Geneen Roth is one of the big authors, but honestly I don't feel as if I have ever gotten much from her stuff (my therapists were big on her work) - I actually like the work of Judith S. Beck Ph.D. - she wrote The Beck Diet Solution, has workbooks etc - don't worry about the word diet - its more about cognitive retraining of your brain. I also like the literature from Overeaters Anonymous - because I am addicted to certain foods and tend to abuse them - just like a bad alcoholic, I can go on a bender and not know when to stop. I have gone to a few meetings, but have yet to find my tribe with that group so to speak. I like the message they have - one day at a time - which is what this is for me for sure.
Here are some pics from our trip - I have been feeling huge, I guess the photos seem to say otherwise - I have pretty bad dysmorphia - was the only woman at the wedding not wearing a dress - wore white capri pants because after trying on my Shapewear I thought I was going to pass out - it was like being full body squeezed by a boa constrictor - and I wanted to be comfortable. I will just get looser flowy things until I can have the skin issues addressed - its like wearing a backpack of pizza dough backwards on my front lol.
I actually saw a pic from someone else of my backside at the wedding and it wasn't too bad - which is crazy to me!
Check out the pic of the woman in front of us on the Space Mountain ride - mind you this was at 8:30 a.m. so it must have been a bit shocking to her lol. The gentleman I am with is my hubby who also had sleeve surgery two weeks before myself - we've lost a similar amount of weight.

Gray Lodge Wildlife Preserve Northern CA, deer, Sandhill Cranes and shoveler ducks....

You look so cute and so does you hubby!

I had a fantastic weekend, the dog and I drove upstate and we went to 7 different national and state wildlife reserves to birdwatch. Heavenly.....except for the doggie who was completely mental most of the time. She would wine, pant, bark and generality beg on me for food and who knows what most of the time. Usually she runs out of steam and just wants a ride in the dog stroller or dog pappoose (sp?) but not this time, she wanted to walk all of the time... that goes for when she was in the car as well. When we got home, she crashed for 12 hours in her bed.... little ragbag almost became cougar food!
It was beautiful though, lots of nature, and the fields and fields of walnut trees, alfalfa and other crops were beautiful too. BUT I ate at restaurants the whole time, with Starbucks in-between for coffee/pastery and wifi... I gained 2 pounds Fasting today.... Mom in law coming tomorrow.... wish me luck!

What Georgia said - you look great -love the hair and glasses too - and you sound more up beat - good luck with the new job! Sounds bliss, I love books!
Half way through my first fast day - scales are still top end bounce - 160... got to 155 months ago, saw it twice and the it buggered off...lol... still gonna keep at it. I had salad with a a table spoon of tuna Pasta for lunch (school dinner styleeee!) and I am going to have baked toms and egg for tea. that is me done for the day.
One I forgot to mention is that my flushes still haven't come back - When I did the cleanse I cut out caffeine in my coffee and tea and have been drinking Decaf ever since - my tea drinking has been dramatically reduced too... might be connected?

Y'all look great! What fun. Leaving for Disneyworld Friday!

Morning Gang!
Just returned from So Cal yesterday - we had a great time. I think I might have mentioned last week that we were attending a close friends wedding, and sneaking off to Disneyland for a day without telling the kids we were going (these kids are adults lol).
I made fairly decent food choices - and have been really watching the baked goods/rice/pasta/candy types of carbs recently and it feels like it has made a huuuuge difference in how I feel mentally, emotionally. physically. Feels like my sleeve has gotten a serious reset as there were meals that I could only eat about 3 bites and I was done. Yay for renewed restriction!
Starting the new job this week so I am going to see what days will be good for fasting after my first experience with that - maybe Wednesday - just working on awareness and keeping my energy up - on Thursday at Disney it was 90 degrees - and I was exhausted most of the afternoon - I was hydrating like crazy, but I also have to take Klonopin to ride in the car because of PTSD (from a horrific accident I was involved in in the late 80's that put me in the hospital and out of work for a year) - I am thinking this might have had an impact on my energy - and I have been slacking on Vitamins, coming off of my period, etc. Got a good nights sleep and feel good today.
I have yet to weigh in today - feeling a bit nervous because when I ride on airplanes I puff up like a puffer fish lol. Think I will drink oceans today and weigh in tomorrow morning.
Florinda - I have read many books on disordered eating, Geneen Roth is one of the big authors, but honestly I don't feel as if I have ever gotten much from her stuff (my therapists were big on her work) - I actually like the work of Judith S. Beck Ph.D. - she wrote The Beck Diet Solution, has workbooks etc - don't worry about the word diet - its more about cognitive retraining of your brain. I also like the literature from Overeaters Anonymous - because I am addicted to certain foods and tend to abuse them - just like a bad alcoholic, I can go on a bender and not know when to stop. I have gone to a few meetings, but have yet to find my tribe with that group so to speak. I like the message they have - one day at a time - which is what this is for me for sure.
Here are some pics from our trip - I have been feeling huge, I guess the photos seem to say otherwise - I have pretty bad dysmorphia - was the only woman at the wedding not wearing a dress - wore white capri pants because after trying on my Shapewear I thought I was going to pass out - it was like being full body squeezed by a boa constrictor - and I wanted to be comfortable. I will just get looser flowy things until I can have the skin issues addressed - its like wearing a backpack of pizza dough backwards on my front lol.
I actually saw a pic from someone else of my backside at the wedding and it wasn't too bad - which is crazy to me!
Check out the pic of the woman in front of us on the Space Mountain ride - mind you this was at 8:30 a.m. so it must have been a bit shocking to her lol. The gentleman I am with is my hubby who also had sleeve surgery two weeks before myself - we've lost a similar amount of weight.

SH*******TTTTTTT!! I just typed out a very long post catching up on things and then hit something wrong on the keyboard and caused it to disappear. EFF EFF EFF. I have so little capacity for stress these days, that seriously almost made me cry.
I need to remember to regularly to a Ctrl A/Ctrl C whilst I'm typing this stuff out, in case of this kind of thing. :-(
Now I don't know where to start cos I used all my wafer thin patience typing it out the first time.
Well, I had started off last time by saying CONGRATS to Chi, so I will start there again.
So. net-net -- I've gained roughly 15 lb in a short time, cos was maintaining without 5:2 for ages. None of my clothes fit -- not too tight only, but really do not fit. I caved and bought a few things in the next size up (10 for the record, back in double digits with a wardrobe full of 6-8s) and they are already too tight. GUTTED. This causes me to have stress every morning and throughout the day when things feel tight and I have giant muffin top etc. UGH, feel awful and ugly.
I started 5:2 again last week, Mon and Tues, and did pretty well. But then had work stuff and a girly weekend trip to Netherlands, so that involved eating, wine, and a lot of walking -- netted out without a further gain, so I'll take it.
Just did 5:2 again today, as well, and will tomorrow too -- hate the back to back approach, but it's the only option to work around work events and etc. Did really well today...then after having a lovely chicken salad for dinner, I polished off the rest of the Jelly Bellys I bought in Schipol, as well as a cupcake I'd got there and just "had" to eat before it went to waste. (In addition to the one I ate while I was still in the airport of course. I hate airports/flying so I eat badly and drink too much wine. Sigh.). So I sort of fasted and sort of effed up big time today.
I also wonder, as CGJ mentioned, whether 5:2 causes mood disturbances -- I posted about it in the 5:2 forum at some point a long time ago -- the very fledgling (cos they haven't done enough research yet -- imagine that, they haven't tested something properly on women yet. Shee-it) notion that 5:2 has an effect on hormones for women. Who knows.
Agreed with my coach, who I hadn't talked to in MONTHS and finally reconnected with, to take 5:2 as a starting point for getting my feet back under me, cos it also has the effect of not drinking wine at least two days a week. Is that sad or what? I honestly don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I've gotten in the very bad habit of self-medicating way too much...and it doesn't help and it DOES make me gain weight. *Sigh* again.
I don't smoke much anyhow, and I'm good at quitting, so that's bottom of the list. Cutting down further on wine, getting back in the gym, and doing some sort of meditation or yoga or SOMETHING for stress management, are taking up the middle positions on the list. So many ways to be out of control, so many of them that I'm doing. Unprecedented in my life, btw. I don't even recognise myself.
I have GOT to get myself sorted, but then I think that and it causes a sort of despair/fog of self-loathing to cloak me and that makes it worse. I have to find some compassion for myself and just start picking up the pieces again.
I can't believe what I've been through; I can't believe all I've given to work over the past couple of years. They don't even deserve it I think sometimes.
I don't know. Still lost but starting slowly to try to find my way. Now crying and going to bed to TRY to get some sleep -- god it would help so much if I could just sleep well a couple of nights a week (also on the list, but not sure how to tackle that one). Still super stressed about not having done any taxes and being way behind and not knowing how many billions I owe. JUST. UGH.
Don't read my posts, they will wind you right up I'm sure. :-(

Thanks for listening. <3

Excellent Quote - I am writing that one on the inside of my eyelids.
 
Good news - I got the job at the bookshop I have my orientation tomorrow afternoon and then I am off to San Diego and Anaheim (woo Disney on Thursday) for a wedding - dreading the foods, but I know I will get many miles in at least on Thursday. I racked the highest number of miles my Fitbit has ever logged the last time I was at Disneyland last October (even more than the Superbowl parade - where we parked about 1000 miles away lol.)
 
Florinda, I am right there with you on the shame thing with gaining. I have really had a tough time of it, first gains since the surgery - so it sounds like I have excellent company because I think people who don't gain seem to be the anomaly.
 
Feeling terrified myself of that darned scale, but I got on it 5 minutes ago anyway. 182.8 and 39.3 body fat according to the Aria scale - ugh. The way its been going that 163 feels like the anomaly for me! 42.8 lbs to goal. At least I am still under 200 - there is that
 
Defrosted some homemade chicken and vegetable Soup - very satisfying and filling - so that will be dinner. I may have a Premier Protein shake in a few hours, or might save my bacon for a latte when hubby gets home. Gonna work on hydration, hydration, hydration!
 
Good luck gals and have a great day!

"First, say to yourself what you would be, then do what you have to do." -Epictetus
This has been my mantra for well over a decade and it comes in handy once again! I did not weigh myself this morning because my scale has not arrived from Afghanistan yet, a blessing really because if I faced the numbers that I am sure it would show, I would crumble under the weight (npi) of shame and guilt and I am SO OVER THIS CATEGORY OF SH!++Y EMOTIONS.
That isn't to say I am not struggling with other emotions right now, chief of which seems to be a growing social anxiety which is completely foreign to me and quite upsetting....
At any rate, today WILL be my fasting day, I like doing a Monday, it feels like "start as you mean to go on" for me. So, this morning I am taking ALL of my Vitamins and having coffee; fresh ground espresso made in my super simple and stylish Italian stovetop percolator, with 1/3 cup raw goat milk and 2 packets of stevia, and some homemade chai concentrate. My fellow PNW chicks, have you tried Morning Glory Chai? I am obsessed with chai around the world and THIS is the BEST I have ever had. check it out.
Okay, so, I am going to push the hot sweet liquids all day, I have found that this helps curb my appetite, and then for solid food I will have chicken heads..... No, seriously!! I bought a giant bag of CHICKEN HEADS at the farmer's market because .... stock? I might have got carried away... well, I'm going to research how to cook CHICKEN HEADS now ... good luck ladies, we can do this! The food will still be there tomorrow!!

Yes, I agree, Cathy. Tues/thurs are my "2" days. My goal is to be down at least 6-8 pounds by Halloween ( end of October). I am handling fast days pretty well for the last 3 weeks but have to get the weekends on a better track. Too high calorie counts.

Well, the weigh in was worse than I expected, it must have been 'last supper syndrome' though the emphasis at the weekend was more on the wine than the bread. Anyway I'm 18lb from my initial goal and I could weep because I got well down into single figures of reaching it. The gain stops now.
I'm not fasting today but I have planned out my meals, lunch packed and off to work I go. I plan a fast day for tomorrow, that might change next week as I have only just realised that my work days and fast days don't coincide this year. All work in progress and I'm sure a pattern will emerge.
I would like to keep our weigh ins/ progress reports on this thread if that is OK as we are a community and we need the input of everyone.

Kim, my boy in Oxford (Richard) is studying Chemical Engineering. I am very proud of him as he studied so hard to get there. He told me when he was about 14 that he wanted to try for Oxford and I said why? I was just thinking of the statistics because for every 10 that apply only one gets selected and I was worried about dealing with the rejection. Bless him though he said "why can't that 1 be me" so I agreed and said whatever you want or need in terms of extra curricular in order to compete then I will support you. The rest is history he studied hard, played lots of sport, drama, singing and had time to be head boy of his school. That College got one good all rounder.
My other boy (Peter) is already an engineer, he studied Mechanical Engineering in Cardiff (shout out here for Coops) and he now lives in Bristol where he works on stress in airplane parts. It has taken a couple of years for him to establish himself but his life seems to be good at the moment.
I'm very lucky as it is only one hour for me to get to each of them so we can comfortably meet for lunch or dinner have a catch up and then I can get home.
I'm just going to clear out the fridge and make a shopping list so that I can have a good crack at the week. I know I have visitors but if I plan it well I should be able to cope.

Anyone know how Brown has been? SarSar we need some pics, I need to live vicariously the dream of plastics!
Okay ladies, Monday the 22nd, we REBOOT, collectively! Those of us in earlier time zones can start us off with the first posts of the day, we can do this! Just remember, it is only one day, the food will still be there tomorrow! A trick I used to do in Afghanistan was to make hot chocolate Water, when I needed the psychological and taste bud craving satisfied. I would boil water, then put just enough of the powdered cocoa (sugarless) to give it the taste. That way, I didn't feel deprived, and the volume of hot water filled me up! I could make a single "serving" packet last me a week!
I've got a silver sheath dress that I would like to wear to a wedding in November, and a pair of high waisted black skinny jeans from the Gap that I would like to zip and button!

Hi guys!
 
Sorry I have been MIA - this has been a challenging summer, I think it took two months to heal from the shock of what went down at my former teaching institution - still feel like I am healing, but feel much better. I am used to being unemployed during the summer - but since fall is here I am have applied for unemployment - something ballsy for an adjunct instructor to do - seeing as my department broke the collective bargaining agreement to force teacher into taking early retirement I figured I would apply for it.
It is demoralizing applying for jobs - something I don't think I have had to do since I moved to NYC in the early 90's. No one calls back - even for gigs that are a perfect fit - its easy to get pretty bummed out, but I figure that keeping a positive outlook is a very precious resource so I have been really trying...
 
With that said - being just over 2 years out I have tested the limits with how much utter crap I can eat since May and the scale is up by 15 lbs...Sleeved hubby has been doing the same thing - both so stressed about money, so he is up too. One very good thing is that I have been walking 3-5 times a week with one of my best girlfriends - walked 4 miles yesterday and got 6.5 miles today. I have started to limit the coffee to just a cup from the french press - and am drinking plain Water - no artificial sweeteners. I had a good fast day yesterday, as well as today - if anything I am finding myself going overboard - not wanting to eat anything.
 
My goal is to get my rump back on track and slay the carb monster - this is day two and Hi my name is Kelly and I am most definitely an addict
 
I haven't been to the board much - honestly I thought I had broken my sleeve - have felt little to no restriction so I felt like I shouldn't even bother to post. So working on getting back - no more Cookies or pastry like things - the funny thing is - I didn't even like food like this when I was really big - but I sure seem to now.
 
Florinda hope it goes well with your artist pal - you should pm his name I might know him - the Seattle art scene is not huge.
 
Thanks for saying you missed me Kim  
 
I should go join the challenge.

I still take my daily Omeprazole for acid - I had terrible acid prior to surgery and still have it - if I miss a dose I can feel the burn starting. I think I have read that some folks even revise their sleeve into a bypass or a DS to make it go away? Not sure about that one.
 
Thank you for all the nice words - I realized that I saw that scale number and kinda freaked out and stopped weighing (last WI was 9/4/14) and not tracking, and certainly not addressing my slump back into old bad habits. Kinda slapped myself this week and got strict, back to basics - hydrate, hydrate, hydrate and track everything is paramount and usually results in happier results. Its only been 3 days but I feel a lot better and think the skin looks better as well.
 
Trying to cage my afternoon snack monster by just drinking Water to get through it and it is working. Have had under 1000 cals the last 3 days and the bloat is starting to subside. I used to bury my head in the sand and disassociate and just binge (thus ending up at 318 lbs.) waking up and realizing I am not failing is huge for me. So another day on the path right?
Sheryl I looove your comments regarding therapy on the thread in the vets forum. my rump has spent years on the doctors couch talking it all out, being part of an eating disorders group with another therapist - and it was harrowing because 2/3 of the young ladies in the group were angry, angry anorexic and bulimic gals - they say that binge eating disorder (which is me) is similar to those ED's - not sure how - but it could be rough in that group because they just hated the folks who were heavy. Anyway - I too felt that it did not do me much good to know why I am the way I am - I need the tools the freaking fix it!
 
On another note - I think I might be getting a job offer today if all goes well. I had a fantastic interview with a lovely manager this week and I am excited for this one, its at a bookshop....I will still get to help people, can talk about books all day and it is close to home so I wont spend so much on gas and parking - not that my little saucy Mini drinks much in the way of gas Wish me luck!

I am so sorry you have a lack of support - the boards are a great place to get that much needed support.
I am still working my way to goal - gee if this was easy one would think I would have gotten there smooth sailing in the first 6 months to a year. Even with this marvelous tool - you are still the one who gets to do the work, thats all it is. A valuable tool to assist in this difficult process.
I too thought WL surgery was risky, and thought it was a very bad idea until my sister in law had a bypass and experienced
stunning success, with no complications.
I had bad co-morbidities going in to surgery - which as one gets older only get worse if you are obese. Every single one has been resolved within 6 months, well osteo-arthritis is not reversible, but its like I have a new set of knees. When my husband and I went to the informational seminar and our surgeon (he got a sleeve too) outlined the statistics of how much long term success is achieved and maintained through diet and exercise when you have 100+ lbs to lose...something around 2% (and who hasn't experienced this themselves in their own lose/regain cycle - I know I have) and the stats of success with better health post WL surgery I was convinced.
WL surgery was hands down the best thing many of my own family members have ever done for themselves. Bar None.
Best of luck and don't listen to the fretting of people who don't have experience with a procedure and lifestyle such as ours. There is a lot of friendship and wisdom here if one cant find it within our family/friends/co-workers

Hi guys!
 
Sorry I have been MIA - this has been a challenging summer, I think it took two months to heal from the shock of what went down at my former teaching institution - still feel like I am healing, but feel much better. I am used to being unemployed during the summer - but since fall is here I am have applied for unemployment - something ballsy for an adjunct instructor to do - seeing as my department broke the collective bargaining agreement to force teacher into taking early retirement I figured I would apply for it.
It is demoralizing applying for jobs - something I don't think I have had to do since I moved to NYC in the early 90's. No one calls back - even for gigs that are a perfect fit - its easy to get pretty bummed out, but I figure that keeping a positive outlook is a very precious resource so I have been really trying...
 
With that said - being just over 2 years out I have tested the limits with how much utter crap I can eat since May and the scale is up by 15 lbs...Sleeved hubby has been doing the same thing - both so stressed about money, so he is up too. One very good thing is that I have been walking 3-5 times a week with one of my best girlfriends - walked 4 miles yesterday and got 6.5 miles today. I have started to limit the coffee to just a cup from the french press - and am drinking plain Water - no artificial sweeteners. I had a good fast day yesterday, as well as today - if anything I am finding myself going overboard - not wanting to eat anything.
 
My goal is to get my rump back on track and slay the carb monster - this is day two and Hi my name is Kelly and I am most definitely an addict
 
I haven't been to the board much - honestly I thought I had broken my sleeve - have felt little to no restriction so I felt like I shouldn't even bother to post. So working on getting back - no more Cookies or pastry like things - the funny thing is - I didn't even like food like this when I was really big - but I sure seem to now.
 
Florinda hope it goes well with your artist pal - you should pm his name I might know him - the Seattle art scene is not huge.
 
Thanks for saying you missed me Kim  
 
I should go join the challenge.

Hi guys!
 
Sorry I have been MIA - this has been a challenging summer, I think it took two months to heal from the shock of what went down at my former teaching institution - still feel like I am healing, but feel much better. I am used to being unemployed during the summer - but since fall is here I am have applied for unemployment - something ballsy for an adjunct instructor to do - seeing as my department broke the collective bargaining agreement to force teacher into taking early retirement I figured I would apply for it.
It is demoralizing applying for jobs - something I don't think I have had to do since I moved to NYC in the early 90's. No one calls back - even for gigs that are a perfect fit - its easy to get pretty bummed out, but I figure that keeping a positive outlook is a very precious resource so I have been really trying...
 
With that said - being just over 2 years out I have tested the limits with how much utter crap I can eat since May and the scale is up by 15 lbs...Sleeved hubby has been doing the same thing - both so stressed about money, so he is up too. One very good thing is that I have been walking 3-5 times a week with one of my best girlfriends - walked 4 miles yesterday and got 6.5 miles today. I have started to limit the coffee to just a cup from the french press - and am drinking plain Water - no artificial sweeteners. I had a good fast day yesterday, as well as today - if anything I am finding myself going overboard - not wanting to eat anything.
 
My goal is to get my rump back on track and slay the carb monster - this is day two and Hi my name is Kelly and I am most definitely an addict
 
I haven't been to the board much - honestly I thought I had broken my sleeve - have felt little to no restriction so I felt like I shouldn't even bother to post. So working on getting back - no more Cookies or pastry like things - the funny thing is - I didn't even like food like this when I was really big - but I sure seem to now.
 
Florinda hope it goes well with your artist pal - you should pm his name I might know him - the Seattle art scene is not huge.
 
Thanks for saying you missed me Kim  
 
I should go join the challenge.

Hi guys!
 
Sorry I have been MIA - this has been a challenging summer, I think it took two months to heal from the shock of what went down at my former teaching institution - still feel like I am healing, but feel much better. I am used to being unemployed during the summer - but since fall is here I am have applied for unemployment - something ballsy for an adjunct instructor to do - seeing as my department broke the collective bargaining agreement to force teacher into taking early retirement I figured I would apply for it.
It is demoralizing applying for jobs - something I don't think I have had to do since I moved to NYC in the early 90's. No one calls back - even for gigs that are a perfect fit - its easy to get pretty bummed out, but I figure that keeping a positive outlook is a very precious resource so I have been really trying...
 
With that said - being just over 2 years out I have tested the limits with how much utter crap I can eat since May and the scale is up by 15 lbs...Sleeved hubby has been doing the same thing - both so stressed about money, so he is up too. One very good thing is that I have been walking 3-5 times a week with one of my best girlfriends - walked 4 miles yesterday and got 6.5 miles today. I have started to limit the coffee to just a cup from the french press - and am drinking plain Water - no artificial sweeteners. I had a good fast day yesterday, as well as today - if anything I am finding myself going overboard - not wanting to eat anything.
 
My goal is to get my rump back on track and slay the carb monster - this is day two and Hi my name is Kelly and I am most definitely an addict
 
I haven't been to the board much - honestly I thought I had broken my sleeve - have felt little to no restriction so I felt like I shouldn't even bother to post. So working on getting back - no more Cookies or pastry like things - the funny thing is - I didn't even like food like this when I was really big - but I sure seem to now.
 
Florinda hope it goes well with your artist pal - you should pm his name I might know him - the Seattle art scene is not huge.
 
Thanks for saying you missed me Kim  
 
I should go join the challenge.

Well, I think this is life, isn't it? There are days I really hate sitting and being still with myself because I start to think about all of the ways I am a failure. That unpaid bill, that project that is sitting over my head, my laundry room being a disaster, that uncleaned closet. My avoidance techniques include reading compulsively, and getting out of the house. I have to be very careful these days with some of the old standbys: cooking an elaborate meal, drinking wine with friends. Not to say they don't ever happen; I just have to be careful.
I have my days when all of my negative feelings are focused on the weight loss journey and my "lack of success" or at least my not going as quickly as some others…and that threatens to swallow me up. I also have days when I can actually understand in my pea brain that I'm doing okay.
Overall I think the hardest thing is being both gentle and responsible with oneself. Somehow, I never learned that as a kid or young adult, and that has been something I have had to learn in the second half of my life so far. There are good days and bad days. The best days are the ones that I can honestly say to myself, "Today? That went okay." Neither the high nor the low. In other words you are in good company. One foot in front of the other, my dear.

Disagree was wrong word.
For me the reading of eating disorders books doesn't help, endless discussion about the cause of any food issues doesn't help. In my personal case, that is ancient history and I am simply left with some shadows of that past. I don't need to understand it I just need to live and act differently. Salt in my wounds never did help me heal, living a good life seems to.

Since it has been ages since I even looked at one of her books, I can't really say. I have had counseling as I was one of those that believed that surely I must be broken inside to weigh 300#. I had a counselor give me this book called "Ed". yes, the author had named her eating disorder "Ed"
I just didn't relate. I can (and have!) talked about my childhood for years and yet I was still hungry. I still had this overwhelming drive to eat. Like, an hour or two after a meal, I was ready for another one.
The eating disorder counselor would ask - what do you feel when you are hungry? HUNGRY! I don't think she ever believed me.
Anyway, post sleeve - I do see a counselor 1-2 times a month. Guess what we NEVER talk about? How food is love, how food is a substitutue for a decent father or whatever.
When I talk about needing to work on the "mental" part of all this what I am referring to is how much my life has changed and how it is good, but also difficult at times. For awhile, it was strange to look like an attractive woman and it made me feel awkward, like I had lost a protective shell. I am talking about accepting on a very deep level that I need to eat just alot less than other people do in order to maintain a trim weight. I am talking about finally being in a position where there is a whole wide world out there... what do I want out of it?
So, this is why I don't relate well to the whole eating disorders movement. I surely had "disordered eating" and I surely used food and obesity to numb emotions. But bigger than those things, I was hungry almost all the time and that primal urge drove alot of my behavior and it just doesn't anymore.