pendulum

About me, I turn 49 in 2 hours. I realize I will hit 50 next year. I am 6'5" pushing 400 lbs (yes I am big) but its hit a point where life is pretty flat line- I keep seeing things I don't do due to my weight. Cleaning (hurts to pick up stuff), trim my toe nails, pick of dog poo (I have a 15 1/2 year old basset mix and a 1 1/2 year old scottie just 'found' me- I want to be around for the new pup. I don't go out, am single and am embarrassed to go out. I have built so many walls. i am a hopeless romantic who is cynical and jaded. I am a gay man. I am loved by my folks but have few 'socializing friends' I don't want folks to get close. I think part of it comes from the pain of obesity. I am tired ALL the time. I look forward to my lunch naps. I am now type 2 diabetic. I take 3 shots of fast acting, 2 shots of slow acting and 1 shot of victoza a day. I take testosterone (I have no sex life). I take 2 anti depressants (seems to be a high coralary (sp) with depression and diabetes. I have sleep apnea (LOVE the cpap!). Oh, former chef, wrote a healthy cookbook, etc- but found food is my best friend/worst enemy. My mom was startled when I told her food 'calls' to me (yet I talk to other fat folk who know what I am talking about!!!). I grew up in a crazy family- food was the invisible drug. When you are fat you can 'hide'. I have lost and gained- EVERY time I hit the magical 299 something goes nuts in my brain.... "when I am 299 I will be...HAPPY' and then, it doesn't. so the weight creeps up, and down...and back up. I think I am hitting my bottom. A former culinary prof got lap banded....so I saw his experience (the funny thing in my mind- he was already amazing looking and had EVERYTHING going for him, looks, personality charm, money, career) isn't that funny? now he has lost 100+ lbs. I just want to be able to sit for an hour and not fall asleep. To not always want sugar or carbs. To not be bitter and angry (or jealous). I want ot be able to walk and laugh... so- my appt with surgeon is Dec 1. I have an appt with my primary care next week. My oncologist is already behind this. My folks are warming up to this. I am exploring.

I am in the 'exploratory' mode... I seriously looked at lap banding 7 years ago. I was talked out of it, and could not afford it. I am now 75 lbs heavier and diabetic (type 2). One odd question (ammong many) comes to mind... what about after surgery sleeping? I have an old basset hound who is my....well my best buddy (can't sleep with out the warm lump next to me), I now have a second dog whose favorite spot is to hapily leap onto my belly (when on the sofa or office chair) and get petted/kisses/loving.... if/when I have surgery how will that change? I now sleep on my right side or back.... I assume NO lifting for quite awhile afterwards? (I help give the basset a 'nudge' as she is 15 years old). I also assume, working in a warehouse type environment that there is a (severe?) lifting restriction? I am a BIG man who does a lot of 'grunt' work (one big reason I was hired).... thanks in advance