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When I first decided to have VSG, I didn’t initially come to this board. I did my research, talked to my Drs. and went through the process. Any questions that I had, I was able to research through the internet and typically I found answers. If I couldn’t I would discuss them with my Dr. or my nutritionist during my 6 month pre-op requirement. I found this board just days before my surgery. I came here looking for mutant people like myself. People whose life had spun out of control and sought solace and comfort in excessive food and drink. People who had decided that they have had enough of the churn. People that were taking the steps to improve their health and their lives. People that actually allowed themselves to be spread out on an operating table and let a group of strangers cut out a perfectly good stomach. You see, I don’t have a lot of support at home as my spouse had RNY a few years back and failed to maintain her weight and is fairly obese again. She’s been pretty passive aggressive about the whole thing and, well that’s a whole Jerry Springer episode all in itself. I don’t have any close family, and I didn’t share my surgery with anyone who was particularly close friend wise. For some unexplained reason, I needed to be in a tribe for this journey, so I found this board. I came here and I met a whole raft of nice people, people that I enjoyed conversing with on a daily basis, mutants like myself (you all know who you are, and I thank you for the friendship that you all have extended to me). I learned things on this board and I contributed and tried to support. As I did, I came to realize that this surgery is a whole lot tougher on some people than it had been for me both physically and mentally. I guess that I had focused so much on trying to lose the weight and get healthy, that I didn’t see WLS as that big of deal. I’ve done every diet, taken nutrition classes as part of my school work, was a pretty faithful follower of good gym habits; I just couldn’t put down the fork and the cup. I barreled through all this like I always had, by not taking any prisoners. It never occurred to me that others weren’t like that, so it was an eye opening experience to hear the struggles of others. As I tried to pass along my experiences and support, I started getting offline messages. Some were funny, some were more questions, but over the last couple of weeks, I got a couple that were just down right mean. I was being chided for responding in an honest and forthright manner, not being judgmental, but offering an opinion based on experience and facts. Then last week, I was perusing a thread over in one of the other sections that basically called out the so called “vets” on the board for hijacking threads and interjecting silliness and nonsense into too many threads. The poster felt like all this should be relegated to the chat room and policed off the boards. What really melted my butter was a reply by someone that I had truly respected, and someone that had been chastised openly on the board for some of their responses, actually agreeing with the poster about how some of the “vets” handled their posts. This was someone that I had actually defended and sent a message of encouragement to, now blazing away at others (and myself, in my opinion) on the board. It was a wake-up call that maybe there are mutants here that don’t come here for the same reasons that I do. Maybe they feel that this should be a very narrow, well patrolled repository of information and facts, and that there’s no room for a joke and a smile and a bit of irreverent behavior among the tribes people. So, last week I decided to take a few days away from VST and figure out what I wanted from it. Had I graduated from the tribe of mutants? Was this drama that seems to interweave itself into threads on a regular basis worth it? Had I really been that callus in my responses as I was accused of being? I even visited another gastric sleeve board just to get a perspective of how the other tribes live. Then, it dawned on me that we all come here to get something that we need. It might be information, it might absolution, it may be reassurance, and it might even be a joke when we need one, but we all come here seeking something. Because my reasons for being here are different from others, I shouldn’t be castigated for offering an opinion or a word of tough love or even warm and fuzzy encouragement. I shouldn't feel bad to have a joke with a fellow mutant about some nonsense. But, I have decided that for now, it is best that I don’t participate as regularly as I have in the past. I want to continue to learn, I want to see how others react to their quest for health, but mainly I want to be with my tribe. I can do that from the lurkers chair just as easy as I can by participating and I don’t have to sweep the drama from my mailbox. Thanks for listening – I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the courage to make the life altering changes necessary to live a long and happy life. Peace.... John

Just a few notes on some of the changes I've noticed in myself over the last 9 weeks post-op. 1. I eat when I'm hungry now, don't really look forward to the "full" feeling or have a "taste" for anything in particular anymore - lovin' it. I use to get these overwhelming cravings for a certain taste (especially Whataburgers), they're gone now. 2. I do enjoy what I eat and sometimes I still catch myself trying to eat just one more bite, but I know I'll be feeling sick if I do. It takes time to learn the new "full" signals. 3. I feel satisfied and I get a small thrill seeing how little I actually eat now. Although sometimes, I catch myself trying to finish that last bite - even though I'm full. I've learned to leave it on the plate. 4. Once my staple line swelling went down, I was able to increase my eating to about 4oz per meal, and did start feeling more "normal" after the 2nd week, but it wasn't until about week 6 that I was back at my old energy levels. 5. I can eat pretty much what I want and walk away without gorging myself. I have always been able to take or leave stuff like cakes and cookies. Rice, pasta and potatoes were (I almost wrote "are") my thing. But I can easily pass up most starches now. Although pasta triggers my hunger cravings and I have to stop myself from overeating and making myself sick. 6. My feelings or attitudes has changed incredibly about food. Don't really care about food anymore. I have no "flavors" I desire. So I eat my own concoction of shredded grilled chicken, re-fried beans, cheese and salsa almost every meal - for the past month. 7. There isn't anything that I "want" to eat anymore. I am so happy with my restriction and I don't miss anything, no food cravings, nothing I miss. And there is no food that I couldn't eat at the 3rd or 4th week. It may cause some stomach upset, but if I eat it slowly, I can eat it if I want. However, I do miss being able to chug 16oz of icy cold Crystal Light. 8. I can still eat spicy foods (curries, peppers, etc). I eat salsa almost daily and I found this sweet/spicy dip made with Greek yogurt that I like - very warm. I find it weird that the thing that bothers my stomach the most is healthy fibrous foods, like grape skins, bananas, apple peels, and pineapple.

Surgery was July22, 2013; recovery time four weeks. No major problem other than morphine is not my friend. The weight is coming off at a rate I can enjoy. Any faster and I'd have to go to work in a sack. Lol the slow weight loss allows me to purchase a few new clothes. All of my 22-20 size pants don't fit and I can assume my skirts won't either. I don't get upset if the scale does not move. I just look in the mirror and can see the difference in the inches I've lost. Best advise, follow the program outlined by your doctor, go to all follow up appointments, ask when and how often you will need blood work done. Continue to get your fluids in everyday. Take your vitamins and supplements, they are very important. Eat protein first. When you are unsure, ask your doctor. We are all different so the way your doctor may have trained and performed the procedure will be different and the instructions you follow will be different from someone else. That does not make it wrong, just different. Join a support group that is up lifting, I don't stay on this one much any more due to some bad vibes of folks and I've had to block them. I do check in from time to time because there are good people asking great questions and need help. Have more than one support outlet. Lastly don't judge. How and why we became over weight is personal. How we opt to lose the weight is personal. When you start to judge, please stand in front of the mirror to ensure you include yourself in the mix. If anything play it forward, be a good mentor and friend. There are some out there that will truly benefit from it. Stay true to the journey. Karen

Previously I cut all ties with my publisher for personal reasons. So I decided to submit my manuscript to one of the hardest to get published, publishing companies in the United States. I did this about six weeks ago and figured well they said I would hear something in two weeks. So I gave up. I continue to write everyday because I love to do it and well..... I think I am pretty good at it. So today came the email and I didn't want to open it because I knew it was a rejection email. After all this time it had to be right? WRONG WRONG WRONG! Not only did they accept my manuscript but said this: Congratulations Cheryl! Tate Publishing has accepted your book,"The Prevalence of Love" for publication. This email is to inform you that we would love to move you to the next step in this process and get you a contract to look over. I have been reading through your submission and I am certainly impressed. This is a project that we are really interested in taking on. I just want you to know upfront that I really enjoyed your work and we are excited about this opportunity. Please take some time to read through the material and let me know if you have any questions. It is important that you know what it is about your book that caught our eye and you need to realize that a lot of time and effort goes in to each review of every submission that comes to us. Your book has been chosen on the basis of writing ability, concept and most importantly- marketability. It is with great pleasure that we welcome you as one of the 4% chosen out of tens of thousands each year to become a published author with us. Congratulations![/font] I was moved by your short stories and the encouragement that radiates in your writing. We are very honored to have you come our way and look forward to working with you on this project. [/font] Yes they read every single submission they get and my book was picked! Over the years my writing has improved drastically. I not only just produce books but I write for Yahoo Voices, The Examiner, Angies Diaries and many other websites. With perserverence I have been given an opportunity that most authors never have the chance to get. It is hard to get published and while I have been publshed for quite some time by another publishing company that is being sued by many authors for their lies and deciet, I have broken through to a publisher that is by far hard as hell to get published by. So today I do my happy dance and now you all know what I do instead of thinking of food. I write.[/font] TIME FOR A BIG HAPPY DANCE

Anyone thats ever had a traumatic event in their life can relate to what I'm about to say. I spent a lot of time in the counselors office talking about forgiveness. Forgiving your abuser and those who supported the abuse, either by denial or by complacency is more about healing you than giving that other person anything. I never once in this whole process ever thought about forgiving myself. I was watching a recent episode of Heavy and one of the counseling sessions was about forgiving yourself. There is so much guilt associated in childhood trauma, at least there was for me. I can honestly say that I have forgiven those involved, but I have never forgiven myself. Part of this journey for me is to work through the reasons I turn to food for comfort. Part of my realization is that I have not forgiven myself; I did not allow myself to break free from my abuse because of the guilt. I feel responsible for what happened, because I didn't speak up, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. Why didn't I? Logic sets in and tells me it was because I was only 2,3,4,5,6,7 years old but my memories are processed through my mind, an adult's mind. I am mature enough to know it is wrong..now! But then? I remember saying " this is wrong" and him saying " why?" and I couldn't answer him because I didn't know. How could I not have known? These are the things I am working through...it's not a sob story, so don't feel bad for me. It's just my reality, one that I've lived with my whole life. I'm working through it now. I have no choice because I can't consume large amounts of food anymore to avoid working through them ( thank god!) I'm just telling myself every day that I have the right to what everyone else has and that.... It was not my fault! It was not my fault! It was not my fault!

I was skipping around reading different posts on Facebook, and found an article by Dr. Laura Berman (you know, the sex therapist on Oprah), and she's talking about her challenge of fighting breast cancer and what it's like going bald during the chemo treatments. While reading that article, she said something that struck me SO deep, that I wanted to share in hopes that it hits someone else too. You see, I'm scared to death of who the "new me" will be. Will I still have my self-deprecating humor? Will I still enjoy what I do today when I'm thinner? Will people still like and love a thinner me even though I've been overweight all my life and this is how people identify me? I'm going to have to learn that my overweight self today isn't want defines me. That being a thinner me and having health and happiness is OK! Here is the quote: "It is amazingly empowering to let go of something you think defines you, only to discover you are a truer version of yourself without it. It’s like letting go of an anchor that’s holding you down." ~Dr. Laura Berman I'm ready to meet that truer me!!

I guess i can start with getting banded right, I guess that is where most start. I was banded on September 2,2011 its a day that you don't forget. I remember feeling scared, nerves, and completely terrified (to say the least). I guess i can also go back to the start of the weight problem right. Well here goes. Believe it or not i wasn't always a big heavy person. I was 165 in high school and it was all muscle but at the time i just thought it was all fat, and being big boned didn't help my way of thinking or my mothers. She saw big boned as an excuse for fat. Even at my skinniest in high school i was 145lbs. Eating at home was a battle, My mom kept a metaphorical lock and key on the fridge and everywhere in the house that there was food and sodas. I was allowed three meals a day and forget about seconds no matter how hungry i was. And sodas where a no no except to my mom and dad. They could have all the sodas they wanted. She didn't really start to come down on me until high school when i started lifting weights and the weight wouldn't stop coming on little did i know it was muscle not fat. She really came down on me hard and so did my dad. I was playing all the sports i could and ran like crazy everyday. She started me on all the diet pills i could handle until i couldn't eat any more. My sophomore year of high school she thought it was best if i drank slim fast for all meals. I was embarrassed to take the can of slim fast to school so in the morning i would drink the nasty drinks and show her that i was taking one for lunch and head out the door. She didn't give me money because that would only mean that i would eat something from the school. So there i was at lunch time and my only choice was to either drink the slim fast and look like an over weight dork or just not eat. So i chose not to eat. At dinner i would drink my slim fast and after everyone was asleep go to the kitchen and sneak a quick snack and hope she wouldn't know that it was gone in the mornings. That was mostly fine during volley ball season because you don't really run to much. And at school there was always someone willing to give me 50 cents for a soda so i didn't really feel very hungry. But basketball was a very different story. I had a game on a Monday night out of town on of the few games my mother had time to come to, I was playing hard and before i knew it i was on my floor in the gym with my coach and everyone around me. I didn't know what had happened i just remember someone was shooting a free throw and i was ready then i woke up on the floor. I was sitting on the bench and my coach asked me what i ate that day looking at my mom i said nothing really. I told her i drank a shake for breakfast and didn't eat lunch. She asked me when the last time i ate was i said i don't remember. Right then she told my mom i could stay for the game but couldn't play until i was eating again. I don't know what else she told my mom that night but i remember my dad telling my mother that it was enough with diets that if i didn't want to stick with them i shouldn't have to if i was going to go and do things like this. I felt like i had let them down i felt the need to deal with it myself. So from that year until my senior year i had eating disorders like not eating or eating till i thought my stomach was about to explode but i didn't eat at home. I would go to my friends house where her mom knew what my mom was doing to me and would fix me all kinds of food. Im not saying what i was doing was right but i didn't know that at the time. When i left for college i found a whole new life where i couldn't be controlled by anyone because i made all my own choices and food was my number one obsession. My boy friend was excited that i was eating and never stopped to let me know that i was gaining weight like crazy. Before i knew it i was about 240lbs the heaviest of my whole life. Other traumatic things had happened but ill save that for another story. I moved back in with my mom and that didnt help only now i could go to a fast food place and eat as much as i could and then come home. by the time that i moved out again i was a big 265 and i found it hard to loose the weight once it started. little did i know i have polytheistic ovarian syndrome and it makes it hard to loose weight. I met the man of my dreams in 2008 we got married in 2009 where i was 275. I wasn't happy about the weight and it would go down and come back i was tired of trying and i didn't care any more i thought well if i cant get past 240 then what is the point. I just didn't care any more. My mom had been on my about weight loss surgery but i didn't think that it was possible and i didn't think that it would work i thought i was a lost cause and i would forever be "The heavy girl". I wouldn't take pictures with my kids or my husband i didn't want to look like a big whale next to small children or a whale next to a man. They are my step kids i don't have any children of my own. I was trying diet pills and all kinds of things but at the end of the day i would just eat and eat and eat. One morning woke up and just hated everything my feet felt like they where going to explode from all the pressure that i was putting on them and my back was killing me. I was at the end of my rope i wanted to be skinny and i wanted my life back. I didn't like they way people would look at me and i didn't like that i felt so ugly. I hated the way that people would look at me when i went out to eat and the way that i felt when i would eat in front of people. I didn't want to go any where or do anything. I hadn't worn a swim suit in six years or more. And my whole wardrobe was basketball shorts, jeans, and XXX L t-shirts. I felt like a cow and i didn't see an end in site. August 2011 my mom came and got me and told me i needed a change and she was willing to help me no matter what the cost. I was offended of course but i wanted to change i wanted to show everyone that i was more then just "The fat girl" i was someone. I agreed to lap band and it all started. I didn't know what to expect i was scared and thought they might tell me i was under weight or to fat to have it done. Or later i would hear them talk about how fat i was. But when i walked in to the office i was greeted real nice like i was a real person (something i didn't expect at all) considering all the times i have walked into a doctors office and had been treated like i looked. I met with the nurses and the doctor and they where so nice and caring. And i decided i had made the right choice. I cried because i was scared every time i met with the doctor to be honest I knew i was going to be cut on and that scared me more then anything. My husband didn't want me to do it because he was just as scared as i was but i did it anyways. The night before the surgery i was so scared i couldn't even sleep. I felt like i was going to summer camp where i didn't know any one. I thought about my doctor telling me that i was going to be beautiful and love the way that i looked and i was going to be happy. It made that day a little easier that and i had lost 20lbs in two weeks that was a boost to. When called to the waiting room i was so scared i couldn't stop crying and i hate crying. They sent many people in there to talk to me to tell me what to expect even a nurse that met me the day before came in to check on me when she didn't even have to. Just to make sure that i was going to be ok. Now i wasn't loud and crazy lol i was just quietly worrying my self to death. they came in and gave me meds to calm me down and man did that i was happy and laughing and making jokes. When i woke up the pain was ok the gas however sucked. i dont remember much of that day or the next to be honest i was moving around and not eating because my tummy wasn't ready for food but i tried. I know that the gas was gone from my stomach and that was much better. Getting rid of the gas from your stomach for me it was like im about to throw up and all that came out with this horrible burp see they don't tell me that you have to learn how to burp again. Any ways I went back to the Dr a week later and lost another ten pounds i was happy and i didn't cry when the doctor said im happy to see your not terrified of me any more i said well your not trying to cut me he just laughed. Since then i have lost a total of 80 something pounds with my ups and downs which i will get to more later, but in the end it is all well worth it. And im so happy that i when through with this. Still six months later.

I packed my normal breakfast of a Protein shake and a some steel cut oats, and drank my shake when I got to my desk. a couple of hours later I was hungry again and pulled my oatmeal out. Then Mistress Band spoke, "I'm not eating that stuff, get me some more protein!" So down to the cafeteria for a couple for eggs and hash browns, threw 3/4 of the hash browns away, and Mistress Band is now one happy camper. When I woke up this morning, I was feeling pretty lethargic, I knew I had been doing a lot of physical labor on 1300 calories a day with the constant snow fall here, but I thought I had been allowing for that. My body disagreed, and a real part of my journey is learning to listen to my band and my body. Food for thought.

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