internal struggle

I'm having an internal struggle as to which surgery I should have. I have a lot of weight to lose - almost 200 lbs. Most of which was gained in the last 2 years. I know I need to discuss this with the surgeon, but I'm still on the fence myself. I like the idea of the band as being a tool instead of actually changing my anatomy. But then with say the sleeve or the rny, the weightloss is faster. But its not all about how fast you lose - I know that. I keep thinking to myself that I can lose that much with the band. But then I think - then why can't I do it without the band? I've not been in this situation for a lifetime or even a great portion of my life so its difficult for me to comprehend. Sure, I've struggled with my weight my whole life, but up til I got sick in 2006, I always won those battles. Sure, I was a little overweight but I was healthy and happy. And now I'm far from healthy and I can't even see happy from where I'm at. Its not just that I'm sad. I'm ANGRY. I had started my training to run a half marathon. Yeah - i was in great shape! Then one day....The world toppled down on me. Combining not lifting weights, not running every day with making poor food choices and being depressed because I couldn't do what I wanted, then add in the IV treatments and the steroids, which caused more depression which caused more poor food choices and more eating - yeah I can see how I got here. I know I would have gained a lot of weight even without the poor food choices, but I just added insult to my own injury. I take full responsibility for Jack in the Box for dinner and breakfast nearly every day for quite a while. OH - and you bet that's a large fry with that. Diet coke, of course to drink. Or Iced tea - unsweetened! I'm on a diet, afterall!

I kick myself every day for making a bad situation worse. There's no telling what point I would be at if i had made better food choices. I know it wouldn't be at the 200 lb overweight mark. But maybe just 100 lbs. 100 lbs is doable! I can deal with that. But TWO HUNDRED?! What the hell did I do to myself? And all because I was sad that I couldn't run. Yeah. That makes sense. Now, I'm so far beyond being able to control this that I now have to have a device put in my stomach OR have 3/4 of my stomach removed in order to even be healthy. Uhm WHAT?!

I guess I'm an overachiever. I did in 2 years what it takes some to do in a lifetime!

But.

I'm addressing it now. I'm doing what I need to do to get healthy. It wasn't all that long ago. I don't need the pictures to remember what it was like to be a size 8/10. I remember how it felt. I remember that I could sit in any chair, climb a ladder, run stairs in 4 inch heels and put my feet behind my head *lol* it wasn't that long ago! So yeah - there's a bit of speed factor going on in my mind. But there's also a lot of "I don't wanna go through this again" going on too. But I know my lifestyle. I know what I want to do in the future and that tells me that its going to be the band or sleeve. Then I have to think about longevity - which again, is probably band. But can I just control it and do the sleeve? I just don't know that I want to alter my anatomy. But then again, if it was my foot that was killing me, I'd have that cut off....

So many thoughts. I know - meeting with the surgeon will really help. Buuuuut....the more I can work through in my mind first, the better.

*ramble*ramble*ramble*ramble*