Life in general...I have become quiet disenchanted with my current life and self. I did everything I could do to change me, to make everyone else love me and feel lost. Most days I am clueless as to who I really am, and some I am so confident that I know who I am, it truly scares me. But today I ponder how someone who has everything she wished for feels so sad about it all.

There is something to be said about the grass ia always greener on the other side. What did I sacrifice to become who I am? I feel more lost now sometimes than I did before. And in the quietness that has become my life I feel wretched.

Are we doomed to feel there is always something missing? Are we by nature never to have everything we want and nothing we really need? What do I want to make me happy?

I thought becoming the new me was all I needed to make me happy, but alas it wasn't true. I am even more lonely now than I ever was. I feel abandonned by many and intimidating to others. The thing about fat girls, most of them have lots of friends, and I miss my friends.

I am so blatently sick of discussion with co workers revolving around "How much have you lost" "Are you still loosing" "You look so good NOW". I just want to be noticed for who I am now, not who I was then or compared to it. IS that the source of my ambiguity?

All I have ever wanted is to be happy. Keep the castle and white horses for some other princess, I just want happiness.

Ok, so I have been a little scared about feeling just like you feel in this post. I am only about a month out from surgery - so I still have a ways to go. But, a few things:

If you lost friends just because you lost weight then maybe they were never really good friends to begin with. Skinny people with no self esteem have fat friends to make them feel better. Sad, but true.

If you were not happy with your "inner self" when you were over weight then of course you're not going to be happy now. The band isn't a cure all to make you happier - this is why they put most of us through a psych eval. It's not a fix all - just a tool to help you reach a goal.

Keep in mind that those co-workers really do mean well. I'm starting to get a bit tired of it myself. But, they know it's something important to you and guess it's something you might be happy to talk about. Be honest, or stop answering. My answer has become "Oh, not sure. Haven't weighed myself lately." It's true, I only do that once every two weeks!

And, finally (excuse the psych 101 here) you are the only one that can make yourself happy. If you are waiting for someone else to do it you'll never have it. Time for introsepction - what do you really want? What is going to make you happy? Only you know that.

But, you have friends here who are always willing to give some "tough love" advice!

BBK,

The next time a co-worker wants to discuss your weight loss, refer them to LBT and keep it moving. If they really want to know, let them do the work to find out. You could even say that for you, the journey continues, but you choose not to talk about it so much. You can only answer that question so many times before you get tired of it, which, by the sound of your post, you definately are!

I want to encourage you to get out of your regular 'circle' and find some new experience and new friends. If they are intimidated by you, then they don't really KNOW you...we've never met face to face, but I feel certain that you would never do anything to hurt a friend...I just got that feeling about you, dear heart.

Define what would make you happy - just you, not anyone else in your life. What makes you smile? What makes you sigh with contentment? Find out what those things / activities / people are and surround yourself with them. Build a sanctuary in your home that's just for you and you alone. If you have a spare room, decorate to YOUR taste (whatever that might be at the moment) and then put a lock on the door to which YOU have the only key. Create a 'safe space' for you to just be you...whatever that means on the day you choose to define it.

Hang in there, sweetheart - you have inspired so many people, me included, with your willingness to open up your heart and your life and share your experiences with us all.

God Bless You, girlfriend - Pressed down, shaken together and running over so that your fingers cannot catch it all...