She knows

My daughter Rowen is a very bright and perceptive four (almost five!) year old girl. Maybe it's because I am an "older" mother, or maybe because it is just the two of us, but she seems different than others her age. I mean that in a good way too. First of all she started early on talking in clear and concise sentences. Wasn't much baby talk or anything, her vocabulary picked up quickly. And her pronunciation has always been spot on. So a lot of people have a hard time believing she is only four. Yes, she does have a lot of traits typical of her age, but other things about her are more advanced. She notices things quickly, she gets that from me. She is very aware of her surroundings and what is happening at all times. Which sort of leads me to my blog topic....She knows. I told her up front and plainly I was having surgery to "lose weight and get healthy". I know everyone has opinions on how to handle telling their children, especially young ones. I chose to be honest. Rowen has had to deal with me being hospitalized for blood clots on a couple occassions now and it was scary to her. Mostly because each time was sudden andd unplanned. One day mommy is there, then she is in a hospital with things hooked up to her. So I wanted her to feel confident I was going to be ok this time, that I am planning this trip to the hospital. But in my confidence I am also being realistic and mature. I have drawn up a will and a living will. I know this is major surgery. I know I have a history of blood clots doing bad things to me. While every precaution in the world has been taken to ensure my safety, I know sometimes things just happen. So I am being an adult and dealing with every possibility. I am afraid my daughter has heard things though that are scaring her. I'm not sure. I know she has overheard me explaining the will/ living will to a couple people. I don't think she is old enough to grasp it. But I do know she has become super clingy of late. My child has never been the whiney momma's girl type. While we have always had a close bond, she has always been an independant girl. I have encourged it because I know it will help her succeed in life, make her a confident and outgoing person. But lately she is clinging. Suddenly she doesn't want me to leave her at the sitter's in the morning. (And this woman is like family, she has been with her since she was 6 weeks old!) In the evening Rowen wants to be on me every moment. She gets upset that I have to cook dinner, she just wants me to sit down so she can get on my lap. And she has been refusing to sleep in her bed. Again, never has been a problem. She isn't scared of her room, she just wants to be by me. I am afraid she is afraid. I don't know much of what to do. I reassure I will be ok. I talk of all the fun things we will do when I am "skinny" and able to. I think she is afraid I am going away. She has only known me as I am, obese. I am what is her normal. She has even told me I am fine and she doesn't want me to change. Even though she gets that I am much bigger than others, and that my weight makes me hurt and have problems, this has always been me. I even think her sudden desire to eat junk and snack all the time is her way of trying to emulate me, to be like me. ( which I actually don't do, but she knows eating like that will make her gain weight eventually) All I know to do right now is to show her I am here. I just love her and keep going. At this point, when it is so close, I think I just need to get through it. What better way to reassure that I am still mommy than to show her? Have the surgery, make the changes, and show her I love her all the same. I know that I will be able to be a much better mommy physically once the weight is gone. I just think right now a certain four year old is realizing "this" mommy (the obese one) has to go away, and part of her will really mourn the loss...