What an emotional day.

Went to my surgeon appointment today. After waiting AN HOUR past my appointed time, I was taken to a room where I waited another 30m to see the surgeon. She was a bit curt, in my opinion, but my mom said "She was just being a doctor."

The good news is that I've lost 12lbs in the last month. Considering I have been sick and not been to the gym in two weeks and Thanksgiving came and went in the last month, I'm pretty excited to see some weight loss. It makes me wonder what my true starting weight was since I was unable to weigh myself for so long.

That's about the only good news I got today. :\ My blood pressure was up to 142/75, which isn't horrible, but is worse than it has been the last few times I've been to my PCP. IDK if I should chalk that up to nerves or what. I'll ask my PCP about it tomorrow.

The bad news: The surgeon says I'm too heavy to operate on. That my weight and the fat distribution being mostly in my gut makes me too much of a surgical risk. Now, I was kind of expecting to hear something like this... I expected to be told that I needed to lose some weight prior to surgery. But then she said she wouldn't even consider doing surgery until I lost 50 or more pounds. That once I lost 50, THEN she'd put me on the liquid pre-op diet for THREE TO FOUR WEEKS to lose even more weight before surgery. WTF??? So all told I'd lose like 75 or more lbs before I even hit the operating table. That just seems... IDK, excessive to me. Not impossible, but I do feel like it's asking a lot. :\ And not only the amount of weight I'd have to lose being a lot, but also the extended liquid diet just sounds like torture to me. Definitely not what I was hoping to hear.

Then I had to go meet with the dietitian, who went over my current diet with me and told me that I'm already on a good eating plan. She suggested more veggies, but told me that otherwise I was doing really well with my diet. And she explained more about post-op (things I already knew). She was much more helpful and compassionate than the surgeon though. She actually suggested I get a 2nd opinion from the other surgeon on staff, mentioning that other people have been told the same thing by the surgeon I saw, then they go see the other surgeon and get scheduled for surgery. That seems so unfair!!

I started crying when the surgeon was telling me that I had to lose this weight before she would consider doing surgery, and she said, "Crying won't help you. You should see what I go through in a day, I should be the one crying." What kind of bedside manner is that? Can you just pass a tissue and let a girl cry?? (the answer: no. But the dietitian was nice enough to ask me if I was okay and hand me a tissue)

So, I feel rather disappointed right now. I've been doing the diet/exercise thing and trying to prep for this since July, and I feel like I'm nowhere near getting this surgery. I don't know if it's worth the $60 copay, the hour long heavy traffic commute, the parking fees, the gas... to get the 2nd op or just keep going with my diet and schedule a new appointment when I lose 50lbs. This isn't gonna stop me from the diet/exercise plan I've been doing, but I just don't know what to do from here... stay with this dr who upset me? Get a 2nd op? Try to lose 200+ lbs on my own and forget surgery? This visit really has me wondering if this surgery is ever going to be a reality for me. If sustainable weight loss will ever be a reality for me...

I hate feeling defeated. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...