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Every New Step

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Well this is my first blog on this site. I have this itch to write some thoughts out but I find my other online blogs pretty lonely. I have a livejournal that I frequent occasionally but it seems none of my friends on there are active anymore. And I have a tumblr but my friends that I've added don't add me back so I'm feeling a little lonely on the blog part. It's not so much that I want comments, I really appreciate them, but more than anything I just want to feel like at least I have the potential to reach somebody.. anybody.


There is something that is very hard for me to deal with and I don't really know where I can talk about it with open arms. I just feel that if I put it out there that someone, somewhere is going to use it against me like what had happened on another website in the past (obesityhelp).


I have a disorder called borderline personality disorder. Basically it is very hard to explain and pretty complex. BPD is not a chemically induced problem but rather learned behavior from a traumatic childhood of some sort. They say it is usually linked to familial problems but I had more problems from my school mates and people in the neighborhood constantly beating on me and making fun of me, that is what the doctors think was the trigger at least. I've ALWAYS been fat my whole life since I was like 8 but before that my sister was probably the culprit. There are things that I have only had a teeny tiny light shed on that she did to me but I do not even remember that specifically. I just remember the other parts.


I have this in addition to OCD, so instead of having a life full of drug or sex addictions, I have addictions to other things that are repetitive in nature. I do a lot of video games because I take to them and I can get "lost" in them as I become addicted to them without much health risk. I get "addicted" to crafting things with my hands, like arts and crafts. I do a lot of jewelry crafting and other crafts that allow me to "obsess" over learning to make. I've sort of contorted that way as a means of managing my problem on my own with BPD and not being a statistic. Apparently BPD is curable and is usually cured as the person ages, but it doesn't always happen. I also have read that a lot of people with BPD never make it to older ages because they are prone to suicide before then.


I feel I manage decent on my own but I am not perfect. I can keep myself from unhealthy habits such as drugs or alcohol or shopping, but I can't seem to control my thoughts. And I wonder how this will effect me in the long run of the WLS process. I don't think that it will be an issue with food because I have come to face that addiction and I don't get addicted to food like I do other things like my crafting. It's not the same. Food is a whole other subject for me. It's something that my family values a lot and Chef's run in my family down my fathers side. There is always gourmet food and lots of it around. Lots of fried foods and delicious elaborately cooked cunconctions that are just so delicious but not really healthy. I've never learned how to eat right or the right portions so basically trying to diet is so foreign to me. I don't understand how things go together with food (unfortunately that is never a craft I took to) although I can cook but I pretty much have to stick to a recipe because my brain just does not put things together with food very well. It's just hard for me.


From the ages of 13 to around 19 I was what you may know as a cutter. I use to cut myself. I have not done it since around 18 but I say 19 because I had a little slip up that year. I have overcome that obstacle, as well. I had lots of therapy and psychological evaluations and drug trials but in the end it was something I quit doing on my own. But I will always utilize things I learned from my counselors. I had one counselor that had learned of my fascination with a book from school called Sadako and the 1000 Paper Cranes. We had learned as a school project how to make origami paper cranes and I took to making them very well that I got an award in class. That was in 5th grade. I had this counselor when I was about 15. So in the book when Sadako was in the hospital with leukemia, her friend had taught her the origami cranes to keep her occupied and they hung them from the ceiling until she passed. And I just loved that book, it reached out to me for some reason. So my counselor asked me to teach her how to make the cranes, and we would each make a crane of a different color paper and size each session we had. When I stopped seeing this counselor she flattened each crane and placed them in a box that we decorated together. I still have that box.


I am by no means a hoarder, but I take to things that hold sentimental value. When my Mamaw passed away, my great aunt sent home her purse full of some personal belongings that were originally in that purse but some not. I asked my mom when she brought it home to me because I couldn't go to the funeral, what my sister had gotten. My mother told me nothing, she didn't have many personal belongings left because she went through a phase where she was giving away her belongings to people at church (she had dementia). I asked my mom, why did I get all of this then and nothing for her? She said, Thelma (my aunt) thought I ought to have it because she knew I take more value in things like that, the sentiment. It's so true that I do. Not everything do I keep but just little trinkets here or there from times in my life or people or memories of either.


I don't know. Since I'm not going through with the WLS with insurance I am curious if they will still ask me for a psychological evaluation. Should I get one even if they don't because of this problem? Does anyone else have any sort of personality disorder or borderline? I'm so afraid of making a post in a forum because I don't want to be judged. I am not crazy nor incapable of doing things for myself. I am very smart and very much capable of working and things. I take no medications although I'm sure someone would try to put me on some but after having so many problems arise from medications I decided to self-help and I feel it has been good for me. I did in my teens along with cutting have issues with sex and drugs but I have overcome that on my own and I feel that I have a pretty good idea of how to keep myself from going to any bad place like that as I've not slipped up since those times.


Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. Having BPD really makes things a lot harder on the brain aspects of things. I can usually catch myself when I am thinking too irrationally and all but sometimes I do get confused about being in denial, too under exaggerated or if I am being too much.


Is there anyone out there who understands this, at all, whatsoever? Am I alone?


Reference link: http://www.mayoclini...isorder/DS00442

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Hi Discordya :-) My oldest daughter has bpd. For years she was being treated for schizophrenia because she does have auditory hallucinations sometimes but some things just didn't fit the schizo template. She is her own worst enemy - continually sabatoging her chances at a "normal" or happy life. We are raising her two children (7 yr old girl, 8 yr old boy who is severely developmentally delayed) and she is now living in a homeless shelter somewhere in Dallas. She too was developmentally delayed and the absolute worse decision I have ever made for her was when the school system wanted to put her in a "special" program and I told them no - I wanted her to be challenged because she was intelligent. Instead what happened was that she was set up to fail over and over and over again. She would have been the smartest and best student in a "special" program. I was so wrong. She is now 33, has sufferend so much loss and pain and misery, I don't know what keeps her going. So, yeah, I get you. God bless you and keep you. And yes, you'll still have to go through a pysch eval :-)

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Thank you so much for your reply. I have read so many places that BPD is so often mistaken for schizo or other similar personality disorders. It's also very commonly mistaken for bipolar because of our constant up and downs. To be honest I have never felt better in my life lately and that's strange to me because I am also my biggest I've ever been. I have so many positive things going on right now that I am just overwhelmed with positive thoughts and for the first time the positive are shining through more than the negative. Because it's always been a vicious cycle of negative thoughts when anything good would happen. Don't get me wrong I'm not all cured and perfect, but it's just getting better for me.

I have read that BPD since it is not a chemically induced condition that it can be curable in your later years if you work at it. It's just a matter of re-learning to cope and not have such bad habits.

All in all, don't blame yourself. There's always things that "could have" been done in someones past, but at the end of the day after so long it really is only up to us the individual with the problem on whether we want to better ourselves or not. Our parents are not responsible for our lives after 18 even though a lot of the good ones feel they are to blame. But it's not true, I never blamed my mother for not getting me help sooner than when I was starting to cut on myself. By that point my thoughts were terrible and my habits worse. I was addicted to sex at 13! Can you imagine?

With that said, the fact that you CARE at all is enough to say that your love and encouragement was a good call, regardless of the outcome. Because it still would have been up to her what she wants to do with what she has been given. You know?

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