Nagging Doubts

Day 50: "Still Fat"

It's been a while since I've posted because most days were starting to look alike and it seemed a bore to write about. I'm doing well, not great. March has been a slow month for me. Everything was clicking along really well in February, losing an average of a pound every two days. It really felt good to see the changes in my body. I was on a real streak with my exercise, bumping walks from 45 minutes to an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. I was trying out different gyms to see which one to join, loving the strength my body had to go the distance.

But then I got hemorrhoids. Not just your run of the mill stuff, but the really painful stuff that made everything come to a halt. I hadn't been constipated, and I'm still convinced it was the stupid seat on the gym bicycle -- the hard, plastic piece of crap. Was fine that morning, but all wrong that night. I immediately spent 2-3 days mostly lying in bed, getting up for short spurts to make food, shower and a few other things. The weight loss nearly came to a halt. I found myself very depressed and upset that I was knocked down from my streak. A week went by, no change. Then I go see my gynecologist who's been monitoring the horrific pain I had been getting every month with menstruation. Turns out the last ultrasound showed another fairly large cyst, hemorrhagic, just above 4cm. I'd had these before, landing me in the emergency room with how painful it can be when they twist or rupture. To treat it, she decided to put me on oral contraceptive even though I've shown in the past I can't tolerate it. Sure enough, it was one of the worst weeks of my life. I would not get out of bed until 10am and force breakfast down. The nausea was absolutely unbearable. Then I'd lie in bed, both for the hemorrhoids to heal more and because I didn't see the point in getting up. I'd cry a few times out of sadness, then make my way to the shower sometime in the afternoon. I was picking fights with my husband for no reason, unable to sleep through the night without waking up wanting to cry. I barely ate, watching my protein and calorie goals go unmet. Thankfully, I was able to see my gynecologist about a week later and she immediately stopped the pill listening to my symptoms. Meanwhile, I had barely lost 5 pounds in the first 16 days of March - such a disappointment.

Now I have to get vaginal ultrasounds every two weeks to see if the cyst goes away on its own, or needs surgery. Ugh, the thought of another surgery just makes me shiver. On top of that, I may have endometriosis. It can't be diagnosed without going in laparoscopically. But it means potential fertility problems down the line. Something my husband and I were very much hoping to try for in a year or more after my weight loss.

Then comes in my two orthopedists. Yes, two. I have one for my right knee and one for my left knee. Complicated story. I'm getting joint fluid injections in the right knee, and can't go walking or stand for very long in the 48 hours after the injections (a series of five over five weeks). So, more time not exercising! They confirmed that I can't do squats or anything that involves bending the knee past my toes, elliptical is out of the question since it makes my knees hurt within just a few minutes of using. I have maltracking patella with hyperflexibility which basically means the cartilage behind my kneecaps is rubbing on bone and disintegrating. It's very painful and limiting.

My best option for exercise is swimming. But my bathing suit no longer fits and I have to have mine custom made in the mid-west. It costs me about $180 per suit and they aren't made for real swimming. The chlorine in pools kills the material. Plus, they take about two weeks to make and ship. I have such an odd chest size (34/36I) and I'm only 5'2" so the option of just ordering online or walking into a store does not happen for me. Then I'd have to join a gym with a pool, and get lap swim lessons since I've never really learned. That's about another $60 per month/$75 per lesson. Did I mention I'm unemployed right now and that kind of money is all tied up in the credit card that paid for my surgery and all these medical bills?

So, yes. This is a rant. I've had a crappy month of crappy realizations about my situation. It seems every corner I turn is giving me a new obstacle and I'm getting really tired of it. I'm losing my momentum and wondering if I did the right thing. It's amazing to me that I can eat less than 600 calories a day and still not lose weight! I was afraid of just this scenario and here it is. I'm drinking fluids to the point I pee 7-8 times per day. I'm getting in my protein, following the guidelines all the time (since stopping the pill). And yet, still only 6 pounds down in 20 days.

I hope this is just a stall, due to all that's been going on in my life. Now that things are on the mend, I hope this stall will break. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow and I'm scared. He's an excellent surgeon, but has no personality whatsoever. He's a hardass and I'm sure he'll see my lack of a good loss as a failure and will accuse me of cheating. I really don't want to see him, don't want to hear another person disappointed in me. I'm already pretty sick of myself right now.

The nagging voices are taking over my life. I'm really having a hard time wondering why I did what I did. I know 40lbs is a lot to lose, but why can't I be proud of that? Why is it not enough?