Well technically I do not have a black eye but it is more of way of saying I keep beating myself up. If you have read my blogs/post before, you know I have to maintain or gain (maybe 5lbs) to make BMI for insurance approval. My weight fluctuates on a daily basis, which is disheartening. Last night the insurance coordinator asked me my weight again and I felt so bad when she said you need to make BMI. I know ..Why is it that my whole life I have gained, gained, gained and now when I need to gain – it is so hard? I actually feel guilty about eating like there is no tomorrow. Ugh. Who would have thought gaining weight on purpose would suck so much?

The dark truth: I ate alone in a Wal-Greens parking lot last night. As I slurped up my noodles in fettuccini sauce, I felt this deep sense of embarrassment. I looked around for parking lot cameras. I hid every bite from cars that parked beside me in fear they would see this fat girl eating alone in her car. Here I am stuffing my face in private because I didn’t have time to go home and eat dinner before my seminar. I really felt like a loser… a lonely, fat loser. I could have gotten a child size meal and been full, but I had to get a full size meal with extra sauce. This is how I got here in the first place. This is a series of bad choices, bad eating habits and even worse eater’s remorse which ultimately leads to more pigging out. Food was my friend and is now quickly becoming my enemy.

I am starting to resent food. This might be great for when I finally get my surgery – but what if – oh that darn what if – what if I don’t get approved? I will have gained this weight for nothing? I so want to just drink one of my protein shakes and be done with lunch. Yet here I sit knowing if I drink it I will be full, eat nothing else and end up in the restroom losing 5 lbs LOL. Ok TMI .. sorry.

To make things worse, I look in the mirror and absolutely hate this new heavier me. Not that I am that much heavier than I was last week, but 5lbs really weighs on you. I feel like a monster. My clothes look ill-fitted, I see rolls I didn’t notice before and I just feel like poo. I suppose I should just suck it up and wait out the month to see if I am approved. I am not trying to gain anymore weight after today. I will rely on my current weight and clothing to make BMI. We shall see. I just can’t force down anymore crap food and expect to feel “good”. I hate this feeling – like dragging @ss… not cool.

Ok two black eyes… I know.