You get this surgery because you want a better life for yourself and your family. But what happens when your spouse doesn't want a better life for anyone except themself? How much do you take before you just throw in the towel?
I had my VSG on Monday 6/6/11. Things were rough, I stayed in the hospital 5 days instead of 1. During my 5 days in the hospital I saw my spouse maybe 45 minutes total. He was too busy swimming at the hotel, shopping at the mall and eating out. He says he was keeping the kids busy. Ok. Getting liquids in is a real pain. But you know what, I am a fighter - so I am finding ways!! I sit here across from the one person that is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader and well, to be honest, he is my biggest critic. It is getting old. Many of my friends have said "once you lose weight, you will leave him". I blew it off as rubbish because I love my husband. But the more he curses at me, the more he yells for no freaking reason, the more he sits around complaing about everyone and everything - the more I have to wonder - how long can you kick an injured dog before she bites the $%*@ out of you!?!??!
I am so close. Right there on the verge of just saying, you know what, pack you %$ and leave. If we didn't have kids maybe it would be easier. The surgery seems to have added stress to this situation 10 fold. He asked me what time my appointment tomorrow is and I said I don't know but the slip is on the fridge. He then progressed to curse me out for not remembering and told me that I should drive my @)#($&% self to the appointment - which I am not supposed to do - because he has a "hot date". yeah the whole "hot date" thing came out of left field. I don't know what his issue is. But seriously, I am so over it. I am here trying to heal, trying to take care of my kids and he acts like the 3rd child.
He has not mentioned the 24 lbs I have lost already. He has not made any mention of any changes - and I can see it in my face. I mentioned how much I lost and he just blew me off. He continues to eat junk food right in front of me. Ok so what.... I am ok. I have been sucking it up. I will grab a SF pop or leave the room. I shouldn't put my families eating habits on hold because of me. I did say one night that I was so hungry and he looked at me said, "Too f)(**&^ bad, that was your decisions to have the surgery." OK WOW... blow me away. I knew he wasn't totally on board but he knew I had a mass inside my stomach that needed removal anyway. So the surgery was going to be bariatric or to remove the cancer mass. So why not both? Either way I would be losing weight because I wouldn't be able to eat normally for while.
Why write this? Well I have no where else to vent I suppose. This is my blog and I am not one on not saying what is going on. Maybe I will look back on this entry and think I over reacted or maybe I will be divorced and wonder why I didn't leave earlier. Maybe I will shake my head because the same thing will be happening and I will have done nothing. No big shocker there either. Hopefully, I will look back and see that he was having issues and didn't know how to communicate very well - or at all.
One good thing.. my VSG is totally preventing me from falling into a pile of alfredo pasta or pint of ice cream. Now I have to deal head on with my issues. If you think VSG will make your marriage better, think again. You will have to learn to deal with the issues in a new way, preferably with communication. I suppose this is one of many reasons post ops go into a deep depression. Who wants to bother your friends or family with this BS? Not me. So learn to process it and keep moving on.
Will I go to my appointment alone tomorrow? If I do, damn sure there will be hell to pay. If not, good for him. He is safe for one more day from the dog bite.
Cheers/
Well here it is.. my day is quickly approaching. June 6th, Monday and the countdown is on. OK well the countdown was on since approval LOL but this is the T-minus 72 hours type of countdown!! So my knees are knocking - well as best they can with these wonderful thick thighs blocking the way hahaha! My feet are tapping like mad under my desk. My mind is racing with thoughts - some good, some scary. Debating whether or not to write my final good-bye's - just in case! I mean, there is so much going through my head right now. It is really a roller coaster ride and it is about to peak!
Start to finish, this has been a long journey. I started looking into WLS many years ago - off and on - losing insurance multiple times and resetting the journey. This time it was quick. I mean WOW that was quick type of quick! Seminars in March, approval, pre op labs and test and surgery in June. That is not as long as it felt. And I felt saying I can't wait till my surgery. Well Heather, here ya go! Your day is here and now you are a big chicken. (MMM chicken.. curry chicken... fried chicken... General Tso chicken..mm.... sorry.. shake diet does that to ya.)
So this weekend I will be gathering my thoughts and getting my house post op ready. I need to stock up on SF Jell-O and SF ice pops. I have my 2nd order of Syntrax Nectars in route and should be here tomorrow. My heating pad is lovingly placed next to my side of the bed. Although being a tummy sleeper, I will have to learn to sleep on my back!! (I don't have a recliner.. Boo!)
This is it. A farewell to Tula - my tummy. Tula has been really good to me. We have been through a lot together - thick and thin. Tula allowed me to enjoy many things in life and sometimes she was a bit fussy but overall she was a good tummy. So Tula, I love you and I will miss you but part of you will always remain with me (hehe).
Side note: you guys are the best. Believe it or not, VST is like a lifesaver to those of us with weak support systems. I have learned so much, got so much support and felt so much love here. These boards are very helpful - in fact, they are priceless.
Ok enough mushy stuff!!
<3 Heather
6/6/11
WHAT? I told my DH that I lost 6 lbs on my pre-op diet and his response; "Awesome, now you don't need the surgery!" WTH did he fall and bump his head?!?! 6 singular pounds and I should quit this multi-year process? WOW. I am so disappointed.
Top that with the stress of surgery in one week and yeah - I am frazzled. Sigh!
And so my story really begins: I got my date June 6th! I suppose I made it seem like I would never get approved, but that was mostly fear. I was psyching myself up to be let down. Well guess what, no let down! I got my date and I started my 2 week pre op diet. Nothing left to stop me but myself.
I am excited and scared. Wish me luck and I will keep you updated!
I <3 VST - you guys have helped me so much.... thank you all! <3 <3
Xox! Heather
Yeah I was nervous but this went above and beyond nerves. My hubby drove me to the hospital. I was quickly taken back for pre op prep because the Dr was earlier (Go Him!) and he could see me earlier than expected. The first issue was my blood pressure - a whopping 146/98 HOLY COW~! I never run that high - ever. Some deep breathing and a few minutes later I was being wheeled into the OR. They put the mouth block in and start the drugs. The Dr comes in and ask if I still want the VSG - oh heck yeah!! He smiles and starts my EGD.
I closed my eyes because I was now crying and super scared. I suppose they thought I was asleep because he inserted the tube. I began to fuss but couldnt move my arms or legs - I wanted him to know I was awake. They told me I wouldn't feel ANYTHING or know anything that was happening - YET I COULD. I was so scared. The last thing I remember was choking on spit or puke and the nurses were scurrying about to see what was happening. Well seconds later the nurse pushed more drugs after my fussing and I was out.
I woke up 20-30 minutes later in recovery and felt fine. My throat hurt like hell though. It hurt to suck on ice chips. About 30 minutes later I was released to go home and off I went. I was shakey and felt nervous on my feet. I slept most of the way home. I plopped in my bed, sprayed my throat with Cloreseptic and sucked on some more ice. I slept for a while and woke up later feeling a little better. I did eat, but it hurt to swallow. My tummy felt rough on the inside.
One thing that I didn't like was that the Dr never saw me post op. All the info was given to my hubby and he is really bad at relaying information. My hubby tried to remember what the Dr said and he came up with: Your stomach was extremely inflamed but no hiatal hernia. They found polyps (maybe a mass) and did a biopsy. Now I am waiting to hear from the coordinator or someone to explain what the heck they found and what that means for my surgery. My pre surgery intake is May 19th and surgery is generally within 14 days from that.
Don't get me wrong, I think very highly of my surgeon. He is a super nice guy, super easy to talk to, but he left me hanging. I suppose he thought my hubby could give me a clear rundown - hahah - he doesn't know my hubby.
Aside from being half awake, feeling the whole first part of the EGD insertion and the super sore throat - things went well. I am happy to wake up from surgery - especially when they tell you there is a chance that you might not ever wake up. Note: don't close your eyes or they will think the meds kicked in and start your EGD. Better to let the meds work their way through and knock you out naturally.
I am glad the EGD is over. Time to wait for the results and set my surgery date. My nerves are in overdrive.
After all the bad things I heard about Anthem BC BS, I was worried I would not get approved. I was barely at BMI and with no co-mo's, so yeah, my nerves were going crazy. Today I get the notice that my surgery was approved!! YAY! My Dr's office hasn't even called me yet. I got the news right from my insurance. Here is the crazy part: Anthem said the claim was submitted for approval on 3/29 and was approved on 4/01! WOW...That is less than one week for an approval turn around. Amazing. So now I wait for my Dr's office to contact me with my EGD date and pre-surgery consult. If they are on the ball I could be looking at surgery soon.
I have said many times that this did not feel real. Well it does now. I can't eat. My tummy hurts - I think it is like how your dog knows he is about to lose his gonads and he is giving you the sad face... well my tummy is giving me the sad face. LOL
Anyway, I am looking forward to getting an actual surgery date. Wow! I really doubted if I would ever make it to the losers bench... Thank God for small miracles
*Note: my insurance is BCBS of Cali but I work in Kentucky. The corporate office is in Cali though.
After reading so many comments about people being near their goal weight, I have to question my own goal weight. The Dr asked me what I thought my goal weight should be based on what I believe my bone size (I said medium). So anyway I currently weigh 265 ish and I am 5'8" ish. I told the Dr that my goal was 160-170 and he smiled. He did not disagree.
I wouldn't mind getting back to 145-150 lbs but wonder if that is "too thin". I would rather be 170 and very fit. Since I recently had spinal cord surgery, exercise will not be as intense as it is for other Sleevers. I included that knowledge when factoring my goal weight. The thing is, I wasn't planning on worrying about my weight, but instead to use NSV's as a tracking mechanism. I planned to weigh in maybe once every two weeks.... but I constantly read people weighing in daily (?), or every couple days. Maybe I am looking at this wrong?!?!
Lastly, I focused more on other types of goals instead of my weight, such as:
- being able to exercise for a full hour per day
- I want to do one charity race per year (Avon, Walk for a Cure etc)
- walking up the stairs without being out of breath
- Walk up multiple stairs LOL
- getting into a size 12, 10 or 8
- being able to play with my kids (not be winded or tired)
- maybe I will never run again, but chase my kids, or even a light jog daily.. that would be nice
- able to have amazing stamina in the bedroom (bow chicka wow wow) LOL
- I desire steamy romance, but being big makes it kind of uncomfortable and limits my stamina
- and maybe getting a few looks here and there...
- this is a selfish NSV, I know. But I am 30y/o and there is still a need to feel sexy.
Honestly, I wasn't so fixed on a number. Any number under 200 would be welcomed at this point. I know it sounds odd since so many people have that "number" and stay strict to it. I have always been the odd girl out, never following the norm.. So yeah, my goals seem to focus not on weight but on NSV's and I wonder if that is going to be a problem.
If you have been on OH, you probably noticed they have "surgery angels". These angels keep everyone else updated on the progress of the patient. I think this is a great idea and wish we could do this on VST easily. (Right now you could post a comment/update on their profile or the surgery date thread.)
I have gotten close to quite a few people on here and it makes me nervous when they leave for surgery and we have no update for a week (or more - or never hear from them again). I understand that not everyone wants to give out personal info and I think that is where the "angel" or trusted friend could update us. Maybe this is something we could start doing ourselves.. just keep everyone updated on your buddy. Let's look out for each other.
Friday is my one-stop stopping appointment. Bluegrass did a basic overview of my insurance plan to make sure I fit the requirements. Everything else will be done in their office on Friday: Weigh-in, lab work, psych, nut and whatever else they deem fit. I like the idea of one-stop shopping. I have seen people running around to different doctors to get everything done, and it seems very stressful. The bariatric groups gather the info and submit it all to insurance for me. I can dig it. The hard part for me is waiting up to 30 days to see if Anthem BC/BS bites. I fit the requirements now (no co-mo's), but still worrying about the co-pays, out of pocket cost and deductable. Really hoping everything comes together.
Once approved then maybe I will feel like this is real. Right now, it all just seems like a pipe dream. Anyone else feel this way?
Seminar: 3/5/11 and 3/15/11 check
Intake: 3/25/11
Approval: TBD
Surgery Date: TBD
Part 1 - voice: self
Muted laughter from behind the cubicles. Was it about me? I thought I looked cute today. Make a beeline for the ladies room, only to check the mirror and see a fat girl staring back at me. “Who are you?” I ask. She mocks me, “Who are you?” We both look down; sadness comes over. Cute? No. What was I thinking? I make my way back to my cubicles and work in silence.
What makes women so mean? We are all even right? Not so much. The easy answer is that they are mean because I am fat. The honest answer is that because I am fat, I am also insecure. Their laughter could be over a silly email or text message, yet I assume it was me.
One thing I need to work on is me. WLS is not going to cure me; so instead I shall use it as a stepping stone. I need to fix the outside and get healthy again. I also need to fix the inside so that the mind matches the new body. Fat. Skinny. Fatter. Skinnier. Obese and now extremely obese. I am reminded of this fact on a daily basis. My lack of self esteem has led my once extroverted personality to take shelter inside an introverted fat covering. The bigger I get, the more I hide. It is an evil game of cat and mouse. Sadly, I am both the cat and the mouse. I am my own worst enemy.
Well technically I do not have a black eye but it is more of way of saying I keep beating myself up. If you have read my blogs/post before, you know I have to maintain or gain (maybe 5lbs) to make BMI for insurance approval. My weight fluctuates on a daily basis, which is disheartening. Last night the insurance coordinator asked me my weight again and I felt so bad when she said you need to make BMI. I know ..Why is it that my whole life I have gained, gained, gained and now when I need to gain – it is so hard? I actually feel guilty about eating like there is no tomorrow. Ugh. Who would have thought gaining weight on purpose would suck so much?
The dark truth: I ate alone in a Wal-Greens parking lot last night. As I slurped up my noodles in fettuccini sauce, I felt this deep sense of embarrassment. I looked around for parking lot cameras. I hid every bite from cars that parked beside me in fear they would see this fat girl eating alone in her car. Here I am stuffing my face in private because I didn’t have time to go home and eat dinner before my seminar. I really felt like a loser… a lonely, fat loser. I could have gotten a child size meal and been full, but I had to get a full size meal with extra sauce. This is how I got here in the first place. This is a series of bad choices, bad eating habits and even worse eater’s remorse which ultimately leads to more pigging out. Food was my friend and is now quickly becoming my enemy.
I am starting to resent food. This might be great for when I finally get my surgery – but what if – oh that darn what if – what if I don’t get approved? I will have gained this weight for nothing? I so want to just drink one of my protein shakes and be done with lunch. Yet here I sit knowing if I drink it I will be full, eat nothing else and end up in the restroom losing 5 lbs LOL. Ok TMI .. sorry.
To make things worse, I look in the mirror and absolutely hate this new heavier me. Not that I am that much heavier than I was last week, but 5lbs really weighs on you. I feel like a monster. My clothes look ill-fitted, I see rolls I didn’t notice before and I just feel like poo. I suppose I should just suck it up and wait out the month to see if I am approved. I am not trying to gain anymore weight after today. I will rely on my current weight and clothing to make BMI. We shall see. I just can’t force down anymore crap food and expect to feel “good”. I hate this feeling – like dragging @ss… not cool.
Ok two black eyes… I know.
So I am doing my research and bouncing back-forth between the Band and the Sleeve. I have some questions and would appreciate any feedback possible!!
- How does the Dr remove the CO2 after the surgery?
- What do you if you have "trapped" CO2 post surgery?
- Do they test you for leaks before you leave the hospital? (US Dr and COE Hospital)
- Are there post op leak test?
- How will I know if I have a possible leak?
- Do you leave the hospital with antibiotics? Pain meds? Can you even swallow meds that early post op?
- Do the staples stay in for life? Do they dissolve over time? Need removal?
- How do you get adequate hydration with only small sips of water and having to wait so long after eating? (This is going to be hard for me, as I am a gulper!!)
Thanks in advance!!
