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Un-break my heart

Day Dreamer

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You get this surgery because you want a better life for yourself and your family. But what happens when your spouse doesn't want a better life for anyone except themself? How much do you take before you just throw in the towel?

 

I had my VSG on Monday 6/6/11. Things were rough, I stayed in the hospital 5 days instead of 1. During my 5 days in the hospital I saw my spouse maybe 45 minutes total. He was too busy swimming at the hotel, shopping at the mall and eating out. He says he was keeping the kids busy. Ok. Getting liquids in is a real pain. But you know what, I am a fighter - so I am finding ways!! I sit here across from the one person that is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader and well, to be honest, he is my biggest critic. It is getting old. Many of my friends have said "once you lose weight, you will leave him". I blew it off as rubbish because I love my husband. But the more he curses at me, the more he yells for no freaking reason, the more he sits around complaing about everyone and everything - the more I have to wonder - how long can you kick an injured dog before she bites the $%*@ out of you!?!??!

 

I am so close. Right there on the verge of just saying, you know what, pack you %$ and leave. If we didn't have kids maybe it would be easier. The surgery seems to have added stress to this situation 10 fold. He asked me what time my appointment tomorrow is and I said I don't know but the slip is on the fridge. He then progressed to curse me out for not remembering and told me that I should drive my @)#($&% self to the appointment - which I am not supposed to do - because he has a "hot date". yeah the whole "hot date" thing came out of left field. I don't know what his issue is. But seriously, I am so over it. I am here trying to heal, trying to take care of my kids and he acts like the 3rd child.

 

He has not mentioned the 24 lbs I have lost already. He has not made any mention of any changes - and I can see it in my face. I mentioned how much I lost and he just blew me off. He continues to eat junk food right in front of me. Ok so what.... I am ok. I have been sucking it up. I will grab a SF pop or leave the room. I shouldn't put my families eating habits on hold because of me. I did say one night that I was so hungry and he looked at me said, "Too f)(**&^ bad, that was your decisions to have the surgery." OK WOW... blow me away. I knew he wasn't totally on board but he knew I had a mass inside my stomach that needed removal anyway. So the surgery was going to be bariatric or to remove the cancer mass. So why not both? Either way I would be losing weight because I wouldn't be able to eat normally for while.

 

Why write this? Well I have no where else to vent I suppose. This is my blog and I am not one on not saying what is going on. Maybe I will look back on this entry and think I over reacted or maybe I will be divorced and wonder why I didn't leave earlier. Maybe I will shake my head because the same thing will be happening and I will have done nothing. No big shocker there either. Hopefully, I will look back and see that he was having issues and didn't know how to communicate very well - or at all.

 

One good thing.. my VSG is totally preventing me from falling into a pile of alfredo pasta or pint of ice cream. Now I have to deal head on with my issues. If you think VSG will make your marriage better, think again. You will have to learn to deal with the issues in a new way, preferably with communication. I suppose this is one of many reasons post ops go into a deep depression. Who wants to bother your friends or family with this BS? Not me. So learn to process it and keep moving on.

 

Will I go to my appointment alone tomorrow? If I do, damn sure there will be hell to pay. If not, good for him. He is safe for one more day from the dog bite.

 

Cheers/



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Girl, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I do have a question...how was your relationship before you were sleeved? Did he simply change over night or had he been like this for a while and you're just noticing?

I'm a firm believer in marriage and think it's forever but sometimes it just doesn't work out and it's better to be alone and happy than in a relationship and unhappy. Life is too short to be wasted on crap like that. With that said, I would evaluate your relationship and see if you can't work things out first.

You know, my husband never went to any of my appts, only saw me once in the hospital, and never really understood what I was going through. He still doesn't, but thats my fault for not including him in my journey. Hes very good to me but he sometimes doesn't understand when I'm not feeling well. And again, thats my fault for not explaining things to him.

I truly hope things get better for you. How long have you been married? How many children do you have?

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I think I will comment from two different perspectives...if I may. <BR><BR>First from the man perspective. Maybe he is scared...maybe he's worried that once you lose the weight, you won't want to be with him any more. or you start getting more attention from other guys and start looking at the greener pasture...so to speak. I would think that he would do well with some reassurance from you that even after you lose weight, even after you start getting the added attention from others, that you still love him and that will not change. <BR><BR>Ok perspective 2. I'll call this the Man perspective #2 or the child perspective (since there is not a whole lot of difference sometimes). Have you ever had a child act out because they are wanting attention? and any attention, even bad attention is better than no attention in their eyes. Maybe, in his eyes, you have been spending so much time and attention leading up to this surgery that he is feeling left out. Maybe a night out, just the two of you, once a week would help him appreciate the time you spend together more.<BR><BR>Anyway, just a couple of thoughts from a guy who has no idea what you or your husband are going through. Take them for what they are worth. Just remember, they were free.<IMG class=bbc_emoticon alt=;) src="http://cdn.verticalsleevetalk.com/public/style_emoticons/default/wink.gif">

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Hey Stac and CCBC,

after waiting an hour for him to come to bed last night, I went out to get some water (I already had a full glass.. LOL). When I passed him I said, you not coming to bed? He said oh yeah, just gaming. He quickly shut it off and came right to bed. He was all lovey dovey. IDK maybe he is bi-polar. I was happy he seemed ok. He was really fussing earlier over nothing. Today he is back to himself but I still have to wonder... what the heck is going on with him. I have taken both comments to heart and I will try to be more understanding as well as show more attention. I will see if that works.

I just hope that people know losing weight isn't going to make your spouse love you more. If the love is gone, nothing is going to help unless both parties make an effort. I just read The Emotional First Aid Kit for bariatric patients which touches on the whole post op weight loss jealousy. A spouse may be very worried (like CCBC said) about your getting all sexy and leaving them.

I have been married 5 yrs and have 2 kids. There is nothing more important to me than family, but emotional abuse is NOT acceptable - no matter what is going on around you. If he does this again, we will need to have a heart to heart.

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Hi, day dreamer remember you did this for your self and to be around to see some grand kids right ? l was married to some like your husband but add some booze it lasted 24 yrs till he died then l began a real lifes journey it is called living without verbal abuse dont wait a lifetime to try it god bless

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One day at a time... that's all I can do. And when he starts his fussing, I just kill him with kindness. Dr Phil said, one person has to stand up and say I will make enough changes for the both of us. When the changes no longer help then.. well then it is time to rethink the relationship. So my change, not fussing back at him. I will just be me...

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I wish you nothing but sunshine and rainbows in your relationship--honestly. I know how wonderful it is to have a reassuring hug and/or a passionate kiss.

I lost all of that when my SO of 5 1/2 yrs called me in the hospital the morning after my surgery and told me that I was no longer had a home with him. I was not to return. He is clinically depressed and told me that my having elective surgery while he is ill is extremely selfish. He said that I did not love him if I was able to do such a thing.

So, here I am recovering at a friend's house, but feeling completely alone in the world. My children are grown and live away. I am completely lost and without a purpose.

So, you see? Your life could be worse...

Valentina

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I see this post was earlier last year...but I am 11 days post op WLS and I will say...my husband did not go to any apts with me, nor did he go to the surgery with me...my sister attended the surgery and stood vigal by my side...love her! I flew home and he was there to pick me up...I had to ask him if he could carry my 47 lb bag.... He gave me a superficial kiss and when I jokinly said so did ya miss me after 11 days....he laughed and said "nope"...did just fine.

I have been married 20+ yrs now, 5 children later....I am thnking (ccbc) is way right on track...these men take their "fat ole' ladies" for their maid, mother, and care giver. I had meals pre-prepared for him and the kids prior to surgery...all he had to do was preheat the oven....I had laundry done folded, ironing done etc... of course he didn't miss me, why would he...I did all my chores 11 days pre-opt...

However I do have a very wise girlfriend who told me recently....Do not make any life altering changes just after surgery....He may be scare, insecure, and just waiting for his life to come tumbling down like the Roman Empire....what he is unsure of...we ladies just wonder...I married my husband 20+ years ago weighing in at 130 lbs....does he think I love him more since I am 354 lbs? NOT and especially when he acts like he is 3 yrs old.

I drove myself home home 130 miles after long plane ride while he was in the passenger seat sawing logs..

Weight and see is a big game!

Jan

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