2 Months, 1 Week, 1 Day and counting.

Hi,

Well I finally decided to start charting this crazy rollercoaster ride to a new and (hopefully) improved me, so here goes;

I am 30, I am a professional person, I have an astoundingly wonderful family including two beautiful children aged 6 and 2, and my husband really is my best firend and soul mate. I should be happy! In fact I should be ecstatic, skipping along with a song in my heart - I AM NOT!

I am truly thankful for all of the blessings in my life, but despite all that the biggest part of every day is painful for me, it usually goes like this;

When I wake up in the morning, just before my husband gets up to go to work I make sure we get to hug, but before I do that I have to make sure I am lying a certain way, that my body is covered, and that he doesn't accidentally brush past a body part I am not happy with.

When I get up shortly after him I agonise over the days clothing choice (nothing fits, nothing looks right etc etc etc). I weigh myself, I wee, and I weigh myself again shortly before kicking the scales hard and swearing loudly. I then try all of my clothes on again, and usually end up in the least revealing and most shapeless garment I can find, by which stage I feel humilliated and tearful.

I will eat something in secret even if it is just a few crumbs of something, and then I'll have a healthy and modest breakfast with my family to keep them happy.

By the time the kids are dropped off and I get to work I am always paranoid about my outfit choice, and will spend hours obsessing about how i look from each angle, and how much worse I will look if i actually breathe out, and what on earth people must think about me.

Lunch is an hour of trying not to eat in front of people, but usually failing. Sometimes I settle with just a coffee, and sometimes I go for as much crap as a human body can hold, either results in paranoia and a few odd looks!

The afternoon is just like the morning, and is followed by an evening of more secret emotional eating and snacking to "cheer myself up".

At night I undress and get into bed in stages intended to avoid unflattering angles, and if all else fails make my husband look away! I then spend 8 hours intermittently waking and re-positioning myself to avoid accidental touching of wobbly bits.

I know how repressed and tragic that all sounds, but thats my starting point, I have 66lb to lose to be a "normal" healthy weight, and have never come close to that through other conventional methods, so the sleeve it is.

Thanks for listening.

Cx